Tuesday, Dr. Fabulous did my follow-up ultrasound to make sure my cyst was gone. It was.
But excuse me if I can't help but feel like maybe he should get to know me a little better before he...well, gets in there with that thing! You know, take me out to dinner, or learn my favorite color, or ask me about my hopes and dreams.
Really, what is the difference between this lovely Pure Romance dildo and the internal ultrasound wand? Sure, you may say the ultrasound wand doesn't vibrate, but how do you know for sure? It might.
Turns out my hormones are fine. Fine fine fine. We are going to go ahead with the laparoscopic surgery on October 29 to check for endometriosis. I have my pre-op appointment on the 25th (I think), then they shall blow up my belly like a fat whale and get rid of the gunk inside. Great times.
Dr. Fabulous said that the average couple has a 20% chance each month of getting pregnant. Mark and I have a 5% chance (sperm issues, see below). Because of our decreased chance, he thinks that we can conceive naturally, but he thinks it could take about 5 years. No reason for us to wait that long, so we are going to move forward with some fertility treatments.
Now Mark's results, well, we've got an issue. Not a major issue, but still something we'll have to deal with. It turns out that Mark's morphology is a little off. Meaning, they're shaped funny and have a little bit of a hard time getting in the egg. We are going to try some vitamins and extra-healthy eating for the next two months to improve the morphology.
It might be the little hats they insist on wearing. And I think my eggs may be a little nervous about pirate sperm, given the immediate association with butt pirates and also the fear that the embryo will want to sport an eye patch and parrot.
I digress. The plan is for me to get the lap surgery, then try 3 IUI (Intra-uterine insemination) cycles with Clomid. He said our chances with Clomid and IUI are 20% each time, which puts us on pace with normal people. After three cycles: reevaluate.
Since I am a horrible lazy whore who is bad about giving updates, here is the information you will need to figure out what the hell I am talking about:
IUI - Intra-uterine insemination. The sperm are taken from Mark (by masturbation or fear tactics, whichever works) and washed, then put directly into my uterus with a catheter. Washing them weeds out the unhealthy sperm and gets rid of any debris in the seminal fluid. This is timed with my ovulation to up our chances of conceiving.
Clomid - a pill that I will take for a week at the beginning of my cycle to make my eggs grow. It helps to improve egg quality. Will make me feel crazy, fat and bitchy. Good times. 10% increase in the chance of conceiving twins, less than 1% chance of triplets.
hCG - a hormone that induces ovulation. I will be monitored by ultrasound to see when the Clomid has developed a few eggs. When I'm ready, I will get a shot of hCG to cause me to ovulate. Two days later, I will have the IUI done on back-to-back days.