Monday, March 17, 2008

Dear Tylenol,

Today I was really feeling like crap. I was feeling like crap not only because I'm giving myself daily injections of Lupron, but also because I got my period. I was crampy and exhausted and feeling the beginnings of a migraine. That's when I gave you the opportunity to be the hero and save the day but NO! You did not save the day.

Now, Tylenol, I would never normally buy you and waste my time with taking you. But apparently you are the only pain reliever that I can take during my month-long IVF party. So I gave you a try because I was in pain and was seduced by your promises of pain relief and fever reducing. You liar.

Let me share some of my thoughts on you, Tylenol, in list form:

  • Acetaminophen? Hmph. More like Ashitaminophen.
  • Tylenol, don't quit your day job.
  • Hey Tylenol! You suck at life and your ass looks fat.
  • Tylenol: I fart in your general direction.
  • Suck it, Tylenol.
  • I HATE TYLE..zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


 

I'll have you know that I came home, looked at my dirty sexy bottle of Aleve, and cried giant crocodile tears for at least two minutes.

You are a disgrace.

Hate,

Jennifer Knepper

5 comments:

dayzofrain said...

Just wanted you to let you know I completely understand. With the meds Im on I can only take this and it just doesn't work as well as my aleve does...

but with risk of death...I have to stick with what doesn't work.

I hope you feel better sooner rather than later

PJ said...

Yep. Tylenol sucks. That would be my unimaginative post.

But you have that storytelling gift, plus you are freakin' too funny!

Dirty sexy bottle of Aleve! LMAO!

Katie said...

Ashitaminophen is the funniest thing I have heard all week, although I also like the variant "asshitonmenophen."

I had bad pre-period pains this afternoon, so I went to consult Mr. Medicine cabinet, and thanks to your post decided that downing 4 aleves might not be what Dr. G would order. So I also took two Tylenols, and guess what? They didn't help. So thanks (I guess) for the post, although who are we kidding? In a couple of days/weeks we will be pumped full of synthetic meds that would make even the half-used bottle of Perocet in my cabinet wince.

apronstringsemily said...

LOL! I love the Ashitominophen comment ... And yes, Aleve IS sexier!

Thanks for the laugh today!

Kristen Carney said...

Jen,

I FEEL your pain. Last night, I had the WORST migraine I've had in years. I normally take this stuff called Vanquish to relieve my migraines (no one really knows about this over-the-counter-miracle but it works wonders). However, I couldn't find my trusty bottle of it... in desperation, I crawled down to the local Rite Aid but they didn't carry it. And, because I never take anything else, I didn't know what the best alternative pill would be. But, because of the wonderful marketing done by the Tylenol camp, I figured it couldn't be that bad. So, I took the recommended dose and waited and waited and waited for it to give me a little relief but the pain just grew WORSE and I found myself vomiting from the severe pain.

Thanks Tylenol. You suck.