Monday, March 10, 2008

Good Times Over the Weekend

Or: Lupron + PMS = The Perfect Storm

I don’t know where you all live, but in Ohio, we had a fucking blizzard. Not just a blizzard. A fucking blizzard. All told, I think we got about 12 – 15 inches, but I didn’t go out there with mah measurin’ stick or anything.

Now, in my part of Ohio, every weekend the weather forecast is something like, “2 – 20 inches of snow and mostly cloudy. Bend over.” And usually, we get about 3 inches and it’s totally not a big deal because WE LIVE IN OHIO! We are badass! We are used to crappy weather from October until May and we deal with it because it’s cheap to live in Ohio, so suck it, California!

I love snow, until about March, then I’m over it. I think snow is beautiful and I have no interest in living in an area where there is never snow. I also love weekends where I can lay on my ass and eat nonstop because I have no choice – it’s a fucking blizzard outside! So, Friday and Saturday were just peachy and I enjoyed the cabin feverishness of it all.

Sunday, the shit hit the fan.

I don’t know if it’s the Lupron, or just your run of the mill PMS (AF due Wednesdayish). But there was Rage, people. Pure, unadulterated RAGE (and Loathing, if you saw Wicked). Two particular Rage incidents occurred and I will share them with you, because I love to air my dirty laundry to the entire Internet.

Incident 1: Some asshole had a baby.

OK, not just some asshole, but my cousin. She went into labor with her second baby since we started trying. (You see where this is going, don’t you Internet?) Maybe it’s not fair to call my cousin an asshole. I could go back and delete, but meh. Too much work.

It gets a little sticky here because this blog is “public” and I’ve given the link to some of my family. As I’ve metioned before, they don’t read this blog often (if ever). So when my family pisses me off, do I post it? Do I not? The dramz.

The Rage made it’s first appearance when my mom called to follow up on the email she sent me to let me know that my cousin was in labor. Email? Fine. I can have my private reaction and nobody knows about the Rage. No problem. Phone call? Not so much fine, because: 1.) I am not at a place in my life where I can be expected to have an appropriate response to such news, and 2.) WTF?, and 3.) the Rage! Oh, the Rage!

Let me replay this for you:

*Sex and the City Ringtone*

Jen: Hello?

Mom: Hey! Did you get my email?

Jen: Yes, I did.

Mom: OK, good. I just wanted to let you know.

Jen: Yes, I now know.

Mom: Well, I just want to make sure you’re sending out good vibes to Cousin.

Jen: What? (seriously, I thought I didn’t hear her)

Mom: Good VIBES. You know, you always feel sorry for someone who has to give birth, so we need to send out good vibes.

Jen: I don’t feel sorry for people giving birth. She’ll get an epidural. She’ll live. She has two kids now, so no, I don’t feel sorry at all.

Mom: OK then. (probably wondered how she raised such a Raging bitch)

Jen: * head spins a full 360 degrees and mouth expels green, pea soup-like substance. Possibly begins to grow horns *


Incident 2: Trying to get some damn chicken at Wal-Mart almost leads to divorce.

Apparently I am a poor planner and also I think meterologists are LIARS because I planned to get groceries on Saturday even though we were supposed to get a fucking blizzard. We needed groceries hard core – we were out of every. thing. We did have toilet paper, so that was good.

Since we couldn’t get out of the driveway on Saturday, this had to wait until Sunday. The day of the Rage. Now I don’t have kids so I can only guess, but I think grocery shopping with Mark would be like grocery shopping with a 4 year old.

First: decision making is not Mark’s thing, so it takes him forever to pick between things. Granola bars? 5 minutes. Deodorant? Bring a snack, it’ll be a while. Etc. Second: while putting things on the belt at the check out, you see that Mark has thrown in about 10 items in some covert mission to fill our house with shit. Example: 97 cent chocolate bunny? Gotta have it. He would be a great contestant on Supermarket Sweep.

Mark is also a conisseur of chicken, particularly chicken fingers. A true, rare expert, especially in the fried or breaded niche. He loves the chicken at Wal-Mart, and in all fairness I love it too because YUM! It smells like heaven near the chicken counter.

Rage struck at the chicken counter.
I won’t put the conversation down for you, but it was ridiculous and I wanted to rip Mark’s face off. And I swear, the Wal-Mart chicken counter worker was giving me the finger. The finger that requires two arms, because you put your fist on your elbow of the hand giving the finger to emphasize the FUCK YOUness of the finger giving.

But there was much indecision and mind changing about the damn chicken. I striaght up walked away and let Mark finish ordering because I couldn’t stand there for one single additional second.

A few minutes later we were waiting to check out, because there were literally 3 lanes open. On a SUNDAY, after a fucking blizzard, at 2 in the afternoon. And I told Mark, “I wonder if it was the Lupron that made me want to rip your face off just now.” And Mark was all, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I told you exactly what I wanted, blah blah blah.”

And this additional conversation made me not only want to rip his face off, but throw it on the ground and maybe pee on it.

Then I changed the subject to Suri Cruise because talking about the Rage only makes the Rage worse, especially when your husband doesn’t understand the Rage. And why should he? I don’t expect him to understand. He’s good about it, too, he just ignores it. That’s the reason we get along so well – he’s just a nicer person than me.

So that was my weekend. I should also mention that my weekend included about 9 hours of studying because I have a test today, so I’m sure that made me irritated and maybe contributed to the Rage because SUCK! I hate school and I want it to be over now now now! Why must you, higher education, be such a bane to my very existence?

I'm off to take this damn test. Hopefully I don't fall into a Lupron induced coma while taking it, because I am all kinds of tired right now.

*edit*
DISCLAIMER: This post is me, making fun of myself for being a Raging hormonal bitch. I should point out three things:

1. No, I don't really think my cousin is an asshole. Of course it is great news that she had her baby.

2. No, I don't think it was wrong for my mom to call and let me know that my cousin was in labor.

3. No, I shouldn't have rushed Mark while he was picking out his chicken. It was a big big decision.

Carry on.

12 comments:

PJ said...

My sister in law said she couldn't even walk the dog because it was so bad. She lives is South Euclid.

I cracked up yesterday when on the news they said they were clearing out the snow around the schools, so the kids could go to school on Monday. I know we'd have a whole WEEK off here in VA, and I'd be in heaven!

Lupron. Sounds fun!

Good luck with your test.

Stacy said...

OMG, Mark and my mom should go shopping together b/c it literally takes her forever to pick anything out, even though she buys the same stuff every.single.time.

Sorry about the Rage, but thank you so much for the laugh today. It was much needed. :)

Io said...

OK, Mark, Stacy's mom and my husband should all go shopping together - they will be there for DAYS.
It sounds like you are in quite a rage. I hope you feel better and the weather gets nicer - we JUST missed the big snow and only got about 4 inches.

the Babychaser: said...

Hey, the Rage visited me this weekend, too. Also in the grocery store. Thank god J wasn't there, he'd have been toast.

I'll have you know I was holding it together reading your post until I hit this line:

"And this additional conversation made me not only want to rip his face off, but throw it on the ground and maybe pee on it."

Laughed my ass for for about 5 minutes. And, it being Rage Time, I totally needed the laugh. Nicely timed, hon.

apronstringsemily said...

Totally there with you on the Lupron Rage. Just ask my Mommy Dearest as to what happened to me last Friday.

What gets me is the dang hot flashes. Grrr.

Thanks for the great laughs today!

Mombi said...

hil.fucking.arious!

Kara said...

OK - we need to throw my husband in with yours, Stacey's mom and Io's husband. Seriously, cannot handle the market with him and if it's Trader Joe's, Wild Oats or Whole (friggen paycheck) foods forget about it.

I've often experienced feelings of regret about giving out my blog info - I could have really used a good place to vent about my family. I feel your pain. Hang in there with the Lupron - one day , it will be worth it.

Keep your eye on the prize.

Wendy said...

I'm sorry about the Lupron side effects. I've been there. I had similar rage issues when I took Clomid, too. I hope they aren't too bad for you after this - good luck.

Thank you for the post on my blog.:)

casicola said...

I am sure you already know this and I think I have already stlaked and praised you...but seriously you make me laugh out loud.

And my husband doesnt think everything through like yours...he RUNS through the store and throws as much shit in the cart as possible. also causes me some rage...and im not even on lupron..haha

Bec said...

I just had to tell you that I had tears running down my face when I read your post - that is so much like me! I always end up going nuts when DH and I go shopping, unfortunately I don't always have IVF drugs as an excuse! :D

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but you it really wasn't okay for your mom to call you and tell you to "feel sorry" for someone going through labor. It's like when my mom made me host a baby shower for my sister in law the weekend after a miscarriage. "life goes on" she said, "you have to pick yourself up." People just don't think. So Rage away, my dear, you've earned it.

Anonymous said...

When on lupron and bc pills I wanted to slam my husbands head repeatedly in the car door. I feel your rage. I always find a bench to sit on when shopping with my husband because he likes to look at everything, makes me freaking nuts! I'm the type of gal that writes my grocery list in order of store placement, which makes me a nut :).