So I got the confirmation of the negative beta today, and really? Not a big deal.
I don't think the nurse really knew what to do with me, because she was being really sweet and saying she was sorry, and I really had no emotion about the situation whatsoever. She even asked, "Did you expect this? Did you start to bleed?" And I said no, that I did a home test this week, so I knew what to expect.
She also seemed a little taken aback when I asked what we need to do to start another fresh cycle right away. I mean, maybe she's used to people crying and just being too upset to move on. She explained it to me, and we were done! I talked to her while Mark and I walked the dogs in the park, and it is upper 70's and perfectly sunny today.
I just couldn't be sad today. I had a great day.
About a half hour after I spoke with the nurse, Dr. Goldfarb called me to also say he was sorry, and he understands how frustrating it is, and he is frustrated too. He said that the nurse told him that I wanted to try another fresh cycle, and I think he basically wanted to make sure I had my head screwed on straight.
You know, since I do have three babycicles, and a FET is way easier than a complete IVF cycle.
And yes, I could do a frozen cycle, but I am not going to post the rationale behind the choice to do another fresh on my soon to be very public blog (more about that in a few days...) for fear of being Dooced, if you know what I'm saying.
(Not that I would mind ending up like Dooce, but I don't have that kind of talent, so I can't be that bold)
So, when I get my period (which, apparently, will be a doozie), I will call and get a prescription for birth control pills. After taking them for three weeks, I will start my Lupron, and so on with the stims, and the retrieval and transfer in early June.
While I'm not feeling particularly funny today, I am feeling really positive. I just feel like infertility has been getting the best of me lately. And by lately, I mean the past two years. And I'm over it.
I don't have a baby, and I can't easily have one. And you know what? That fucking sucks. But I do have a kick ass, hilarious husband who I love madly, wonderful family, and fabulous friends. I like my job, and I'm close to having a Master's degree in a subject that is challenging to me and makes me use my brain in new ways.
And lots of really positive things have come out of infertility for me in the past few weeks. So while it sucks, it has opened me up to new possibilities that never occurred to me before.
I just don't want to look back and feel like I flushed these years down the toilet. Yes, infertility is a giant part of my life, but it isn't my whole life. I'm not going to let it eat away at all of the things I love about my life.
Two years is enough.
(Also, I have some cute dog pics to post, but not today.)