Friday, April 18, 2008

Beta is Negative, but I'm surprisingly not.

So I got the confirmation of the negative beta today, and really? Not a big deal.

I don't think the nurse really knew what to do with me, because she was being really sweet and saying she was sorry, and I really had no emotion about the situation whatsoever. She even asked, "Did you expect this? Did you start to bleed?" And I said no, that I did a home test this week, so I knew what to expect.

She also seemed a little taken aback when I asked what we need to do to start another fresh cycle right away. I mean, maybe she's used to people crying and just being too upset to move on. She explained it to me, and we were done! I talked to her while Mark and I walked the dogs in the park, and it is upper 70's and perfectly sunny today.

I just couldn't be sad today. I had a great day.

About a half hour after I spoke with the nurse, Dr. Goldfarb called me to also say he was sorry, and he understands how frustrating it is, and he is frustrated too. He said that the nurse told him that I wanted to try another fresh cycle, and I think he basically wanted to make sure I had my head screwed on straight.

You know, since I do have three babycicles, and a FET is way easier than a complete IVF cycle.

And yes, I could do a frozen cycle, but I am not going to post the rationale behind the choice to do another fresh on my soon to be very public blog (more about that in a few days...) for fear of being Dooced, if you know what I'm saying.

(Not that I would mind ending up like Dooce, but I don't have that kind of talent, so I can't be that bold)

So, when I get my period (which, apparently, will be a doozie), I will call and get a prescription for birth control pills. After taking them for three weeks, I will start my Lupron, and so on with the stims, and the retrieval and transfer in early June.

While I'm not feeling particularly funny today, I am feeling really positive. I just feel like infertility has been getting the best of me lately. And by lately, I mean the past two years. And I'm over it.

I don't have a baby, and I can't easily have one. And you know what? That fucking sucks. But I do have a kick ass, hilarious husband who I love madly, wonderful family, and fabulous friends. I like my job, and I'm close to having a Master's degree in a subject that is challenging to me and makes me use my brain in new ways.

And lots of really positive things have come out of infertility for me in the past few weeks. So while it sucks, it has opened me up to new possibilities that never occurred to me before.

I just don't want to look back and feel like I flushed these years down the toilet. Yes, infertility is a giant part of my life, but it isn't my whole life. I'm not going to let it eat away at all of the things I love about my life.

Two years is enough.

(Also, I have some cute dog pics to post, but not today.)

19 comments:

Lorrie said...

I admit I had to look up the word "dooced" to see what it meant!

You sound incredibly positive and so over what infertility can do to a person, their relationship, and their life. That's wonderful. You're absolutely right... infertility is such a dark place, and it's difficult not to let it consume your whole life. Good for you for making a conscious decision to live and enjoy your life, even when going through this. And congrats on making the decision to try again!!

Lorrie said...

I admit I had to look up the word "dooced" to see what it meant!

You sound incredibly positive and so over what infertility can do to a person, their relationship, and their life. That's wonderful. You're absolutely right... infertility is such a dark place, and it's difficult not to let it consume your whole world. Good for you for making a conscious decision to live and enjoy your life, even when going through this.

PJ said...

It's good to hear from you, and to hear that you are doing well. I think you have a very healthy attitude!

Very public blog? Hmmm...

I talked with my mother in law today who lives in Cleveland, and she was ridiculously happy that it was so warm!

Have a great weekend. :)

the Babychaser: said...

I'm really proud of you. It's easy to fall into the Desperation Pit, and not so easy to see the Big Picture. You're showing some really great bounce-back skills.

I'm also relieved you're doing better. I've come to care about you, and I've been worried about how you would be holding up. (Not that you should EVER feel obligated to be "brave" in blog-land, just to keep us from feeling bad.)

I also totally understand your fresh-cycle decision; the odds are better for the fresh and it seems like you're feeling like going gangbusters right now. J and I ended up with two frosties (first ever!). If this cycle is negative (no, I have not POAS yet!), we'll do the FET, but only because the next step for us is to sink a whopping $21K into shared risk.

Spring is making life beautiful here in DC as well. It really helps. Try to keep spring in your heart as long as possible. You might not always feel this positive, but you'll always remember that you were able to pull yourself out of the Pit once, so you can do it again when you have to.

Hope that makes sense.

Emily said...

So sorry about your BFN, but I admire your positivity, strength and spirit. I jumped right into #2 as well and left my totsicles frozen (insurance coverage reasons) & I am feeling good about our decision to move ahead. Yes, your period will be a doozie - I was not prepared for it and it kinda scared me, but at least it was short, bad but short. Thanks for checking in with my blog, I am looking forward to catching up with yours! Have a great weekend!

Waiting said...

Really admire your attitude. Letting infertility consume my entire life is what I fear the most. I want to be able to say I did other things and enjoyed life since we only get one. You're absolutely right on all fronts.

Have a great weekend!

Lorrie said...

Sorry about the double post, everyone! How embarrassing!

Alison said...

Can I just drink whatever you are having. Your attitude is totally awesome. Good for you. But I truly am sorry this was not the cycle for you.

Lost in Space said...

Your attitude is inspiring. Wishing you all the best with your next cycle.

andrea said...

so proud of your positive-ness!

and i want to see the cute dog pictures :)

Tiffanie said...

i'm glad to hear that you are doing so well and that you are so sure of the next step. you are awesome, keep that great positive-ness (word?) up.

as alison said, can i have what you're drinking? i need to mainline some of that shit:)

Ahuva Batya said...

Jen, you are so strong. I am happy that you can keep all the bullshit in perspective, and see the positives in life too. I hope the best for you.

peesticksandstones said...

Wow, can I borrow some of that positive energy? I'm lovin' it. Been really struggling lately to keep living my life despite IF -- just have lost so much of the drive, motivation and excitement I had for all the things I used to love.

Looking forward to hearing how your next cycle progresses. I'm chomping at the bit to get back on the horse myself...

Jill said...

Wow. Can I capture your positive spirit? I'm really proud of you. Picking yourself up by the bootstraps and just moving on. Hope you keep up your positive attitude!

Bev said...

You are so awesome! I gave you a shout out on my blog because I finally did that thing you tagged me on WEEKS ago.

I'm so sorry for the BFN but like everyone else I wish I could borrow some of your positive spirit, it is truely amazing and an inspiration. Hugs!

Mrs. Higrens said...

Can I borrow a cupful of your positive for this weeks HSG?

You are an inspiration. IF may be part of our lives, but it doesn't have to be our whole life. (like that diabetes commercial) There's so much other good stuff out there.

Malloryn said...

You have an amazing attitude, Jen. Your outlook on dealing with infertility is great -- I hope I get to a point soon where I don't feel so suffocated by it. I'm very sorry that the last cycle didn't work but hopefully the next one will be successful. Best of luck... and keep enjoying the beautiful weather. :)

Emily said...

Forgive me, Jen, for being so late in commenting on this post. I just wanted to tell you how incredibly amazing you are. I am wishing the best for whatever next step you take ... Big HUGS to you!!

jen said...

Hi there. I came across your blog from another gal's. We had about the same IVF cycle...including the negative result..so I get exactly how you feel. I'm doing FET after AF shows next month.

Here's my blog: bjenn.com/blog

Good luck to ya!