Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Jen’s Anatomy

Bladder – is pissed. Is having no more of this scrunched up, crowded abdomen. Is making me pay with multiple trips to the bathroom and vague symptoms of a UTI. Ovaries are being overbearing and Bladder is so over it.

Ovaries – planning hostile takeover. Are strong and mighty from the fertility drugs, and are revolting in what can only be compared to a roid rage. Are in cahoots with Bladder but negotiations are at a standstill (Ovaries are trying to steal all the glory, obviously). Thinks Bladder is a pansy ass.

Ass – Hurts. Is big. Has prick-marks all over. Is threatening to bruise. Wonders why someone hit me in ass with a baseball bat, but the realizes that it is from the PIO Shots. Considers joining the Bladder and Ovaries in their mission to FUCK JEN UP!

Stomach – is sick of all of these drugs. Is churning at smells, but strangely wanted to suck Grey Poupon directly out of the little foil packet in my sandwich kit. Now producing Grey Poupon burps every 5 minutes (is not so bad, actually).

Face – is ugly. Has morphed into pizza-faced teenage boyface in the past week. Beginning to bear an odd resemblance to Gary Busey.

Bewbies – Ouch. And veiny. That is all.

Brain – finds this post to be lame. And thinks that maybe I should be studying for my accounting test, while at the same time refusing to retain any additional information like a baby refusing to take a spoon full of pureed carrots.

The only reason my back isn't on here as an enemy of the state is because guess what I found out today? That my car seat as LUMBAR SUPPORT! My fucking god. In my defense, I've only had the car since December. But still I probably should've realized sooner because I've had the car since December.


 

11 comments:

Rachel said...

Hello, stranger... can't remember what search terms led me to your blog, but now you're on my reading list, and I wanted to say hi. My ER was 4/2 (also took me 4 tries to get an IV). Transfer 4/7 and beta 4/17.

Anyway, just made my partner read your description of the bladder-ovaries rumble, because it was so very apt.

Take care!

Mrs. Higrens said...

You are making this process seem oh so glamorous.

Lots of peeing, funky stomach + sore bewbies...that's the combo they always use in romance novels to show the heroine is knocked up before she realizes it herself. Hope the same is true for you!

Malloryn said...

Ugh, good luck in the war with your body parts! You IVF girls are so damn brave, I don't know how you do it.

Ahuva Batya said...

You are SEX-AY.

Katie said...

Cracked me up.

Are we done waiting yet? :)

andrea said...

hope all the aches and paines get better soon.... or you just get used to them ;)

Emily said...

LOL ... Never seen "bewbies" spelled that way before!

And for some reason, I've got an image of "Schoolhouse Rocks" in my mind. Remember the one about the "digestive tract"?

Or am I showing my age ... ?

Bec said...

Half way to beta - am keeping everything crossed for you xxx

sarah23 said...

I want to add one more:

Uterus - is busy making a snuggly home to welcome one or more embryos to settle in for the next 8.5 months.

:)

Alison said...

You made my day!!! Thanks! This is just hilarious. Did I ever tell you that I just love reading your blog? :)

Bev said...

I love this!!!!