Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Well, this sucks.

I mean, I wish there was some funny spin to put on a negative home pregnancy test, after your 25th month of trying to get pregnant, and after your first procedure of state-of-the-art motherfucking SCIENCE fails.

But really. I knew how this was going to end. Don't think for one second I was little miss sunshine this entire cycle. I'm still saying "if" we ever have a baby, and "if" I ever get pregnant. And "if" any single person tries to tell me that I need to think positive if I want to get a positive result? Well, I will positively knock their ass out.

Transfer was last Saturday. Monday - Thursday, I felt like ass on a platter. I was sick, burping and dry heaving at my desk. Pretty much feeling like the antibiotic they made me take was eating an escape hole in my stomach. Because maybe my antibiotic would have more fun floating around my abdominal cavity? I don't know why.

During the same time, I felt weird. Tired, sick, my boobs were so sore and I thought for a second...hey, maybe...

Then Friday - poof! I felt 100% better. Like I haven't felt since I started Lupron. I felt like a million bucks, which I wish I had right now so that I could commence serious retail therapy. Saturday? The same. Felt fine.

Sunday. Sunday I got the bad news from Katie. And it just sealed my fears that this did.not.work. I could feel it. I could feel it on Friday when I was all, "fuck, where did the "symptoms" go?" And yes I know that pregnancy doesn't have to be a hormonal war of the worlds, but it just felt like something changed between Thursday and Friday where I couldn't even think in my mind that we had a shot of this working.

On Sunday I told Mark, "I don't think it worked." And he was like, "what? all of it" and I said yes. He was the first person I admitted it to. I had one pregnancy test left from the IUI we did in November, and even though I was adamant about not testing before the beta, I knew I would test Monday morning. I knew because we have Friday off, and we made a bunch of plans, and I just want to have the day off and enjoy it. I wanted to get the pain out of the way.

Despite my thought that a negative pregnancy test would be less of a blow if I knew it was negative, it was awful. I felt like going outside and running as fast as I could because my heart was pounding and I couldn't catch my breath. All I could, and all I keep, thinking is how we are never going to be able to have a family, because this is it. It doesn't work for us. We had doctors fertilize our fucking eggs for us, we had the embryos halfway hatched going in, we had steroids to make my uterus all but suck in the embryo. And no. We still don't get the one thing that everyone else gets for FREE! By having sex and maybe an orgasm!

So I cried at home before I left, and cried in the car on the way to work. Then I had to make myself stop crying before I got to work because hello? AM UGLY CRIER! Everyone will know! I think the red satanic eyes, tomato face, and snot hanging down to my chin would be obvious. So I drove with my windows down in 30 degree weather for the last 20 minutes.

Have you ever seen American Beauty? I was all Annette Benning at work - were she was trying to sell that shitty house to someone, and she closes all the windows and starts bawling for about 20 seconds, then she stands up and starts slapping herself in the face. Then she's composed, fine, walks right out of the house with a smile on her face. Totally me at work. I would tear up, then in my mind, I'd be saying, "stop it, you fucking pathetic baby. stop it. get over yourself." And I'd be fine for a little while.

Being Monday and all, I had work, then school. So all I could think about all day was just getting back to my car after class and letting it go. Just crying all the way home and crying myself to sleep. But apparently scheduled crying isn't all it's cracked up to be, and instead of wanting to cry, I just wanted to listen to old school Mariah Carey on shuffle (Mimi is my vice. My secret weakness).(shut up) So I did. And then I came home and ate popcorn, cheese cubes and pickles, because it was the first time all day that I had any appetite at all. Thanks Mimi - your music brought back my appetite.

I also got my letter today about the 5 extra embryos that were sitting in the lab, trying to get to blast. 4 of them "died in culture," and only one made it to freeze. And yes, yes, yes, aren't we lucky to have 3 on ice and blah blah blah. But excuse me for being the smug jerk who thought hey! we're young and healthy! We should have 5 or 6 make it to blast and freeze! No. 3. That is all. And all of them were ICSI, because apparently there is not a shot in hell of us having an egg fertilized naturally.

I tried to get online and google anything to make me feel better, but all you find are stories of BPF at 7dp3dt! BFN and 7dp3dt but BFP at 8dp3dt! You don't see anyone saying, yeah well, BFN 10dp3dt, then BFP 11dp3dt because if you have a negative at 10 days past, you should hang it up. You're toast. Not good toast with peanut butter - shitty toast that is burned on one side and has butter substitute sprayed on it.

And now I just feel kind of bitter and weird. I don't want to talk to anybody, because I know people are sick of the ridiculous failure. I know that people will try to say something nice, but will probably just say something like, "well, there's always adoption" or "you should've done acupuncture, then it would've worked." Because why not? I mean, you kick a homeless guy as you walk by him when he's down, right? Why not just kick me, too. In the uterus. Go ahead. There's nothing in there that you could hurt anyways.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

It all does suck and is so unfair!!I am so sorry!!

liina said...

I'm sorry. Don't know what else to say...

E_Sharp said...

I know there is nothing to be said to make you feel better (I've been trying to come up with something for a few minutes now, and I got nothing). Just wanted to let you know that I feel for you.

~Jess said...

I'm so sorry: It does suck...the whole thing. Especially when the one thing that you hope will work doesn't. *HUGS*

(Nestie: WhiteysWifey)

Malloryn said...

I'm so sorry, Jen. It hurts when you put everything into it, and it doesn't work out.

Alison said...

I'm really so, so sorry. Thinking about you!!

BB and MTB said...

It does suck and you can be mad, angry and whatever else. Just take care of yourself - and I am so sorry.

Lost in Space said...

Let it all out. It toatally sucks and is so not fair. I have been there too and it was the worst BFN I have ever had in all this hell that is TTC. I am so so sorry. ((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

I normally just lurk here, but wanted to say I am so sorry. Screw all those people and their lame "advice", they don't know how you feel.

andrea said...

this sucks. what else can i say? my heart is hurting for you...

Mrs. Higrens said...

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry.

Jill said...

I am so, so sorry. I want so badly to cry for you. Please know that there are SO many of us out here thinking of you and sending virtual hugs through cyberspace.

Katie said...

Seriously. Two healthy 30-and-under women with good embryos both get BFNs after having retrievals on the same day? J thinks it might be a conspiracy.

the Babychaser: said...

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! Are you sure you can tell this soon? (If so, why are they making me wait until Saturday for my beta?) When is your beta? I thought it wasn't until this Friday! Seriously, don't stop taking your drugs until you're certain.

I don't know if this helps--I'm not sure where you are financially or whether you have any coverge for IVF or whether you're in shared-risk or what--but IVF is still just a game where you try to beat the odds. Sure, the odds are better than a fertile person's month-to-month odds of getting pregnant the old-fashioned way, but it's still less than 50% per cycle.

I'm just saying, I know LOTS of people who have had IVF work on cycle #2 or #3.

That being said, this totally blows and I'm really really sorry you have to hurt like this. Try to take good care of yourself and cut yourself a lot of slack.

Waiting said...

I'm sorry, Jen. The fallout from a BFN is the worst.

Dreamer4agift said...

I'm sorry Jen, it's really not fair at all. If anyone gives you a$$vice, you send 'em my way and I'll "take care of them."

On a side note, Mimi is my vice as well...especially old-school mimi...kinda makes me feel like a summer day when I had not a care in the world...

Sending ((hugs)) to you.

Misty River said...

Jen...at this point it's all been said right? The right thing, the wrong thing...been there, heard that.

I am very sorry for you...and for all of us! Hearing stories of cycles that actually WORK give us all hope and when we read about a BFN, it starts to shrink that hope.

S. and I are a few weeks behind you and your comment about this being it and being afraid of never having a family is a thought that swims around in my head all day long. I mean, for how long can I do upgrades to my house, tell my dog I love him, buy new shoes...whatever all just trying to fill that effin' void?

I have no answer for you, but can tell you that are in no way alone. There are so many of us out there with you we could have a serious pitty party.

Drink...drink alot, and then drink some more.

Emily said...

Aww ... Jen, I can't tell you anything more that everyone above me has already said. Just know that you are not alone and dang-nabbit! Screw the rest of the world and let them see you cry. Because those tears are justified. And because I'm a damn ugly crier, too. Hugs to you, sweetie!

Anonymous said...

I'm so so sorry... :-( My hubby and I have been TTC since Sept 2004 and are just about to start IUIs (I know - what took us so long? Long story...). Not that this will make you feel better (or it might) but I was feeling especially sorry for myself today when I found your blog for the first time, and read EVERY POST. I was laughing out loud at work through most of it. So just wanted you to know that a girl on the East coast who was feeling SHITTY this morning is now feeling better because of your great blog....

JenM said...

Jen - there are no words for how much this sucks. There are swear words running through my head that would make a sailor proud, but they aren't fit to post in a blog.

I am so sorry. I'm here for you if you need anything :-(

Kim said...

I am sooooo sorry! :o(

Eggie said...

It sucks and it's not fair...and I'm sorry. So very sorry

Annegirrl said...

My heart goes out to you Jen.

Anonymous said...

Jen - I'm so sorry you didn't get the news you were hoping for. It DOES suck. All the feelings you are having - anger, resentment, etc. - are totally normal. Wish I could take them away for you and give you a big hug.

Ahuva Batya said...

Jen, the emotional trauma of a BFN, after all the hard work and money, is so crushing. So unfair. I wish there were something to say to make it better, but I've been there too and I know it's something you just have to survive through on your own. I'm so sorry.

the Babychaser: said...

Jesus, Jen, who knew you had so many readers? I'm in awe.

Post again soon and let me know how you're doing. I keep checking in.

Dana said...

I'm so sorry, Jen :( :(

Mombi said...

I'm so sorry Jen.

sarah23 said...

Yes, it really does suck!!!

I am so sorry to read about the pain that you're going through.

Jill said...

Jen, I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. I wish there was something profound I could say, but just know that you are not alone. Cry if you feel like it--forget what anyone else thinks. This will get easier over time, but for now lots of hugs to you, sweetie!

Lorrie said...

I'm SO sorry. You have a complete right to be mad, angry, furious, whatever. We feel for you!

ps Love Mimi too!!! Vision of Love is the greatest song ever. If anyone could pull you out of a horrid BFN slump, it's Mimi!

Bec said...

I'm sorry hon :( You're allowed to be angry and upset, it is completely natural. Get it all out to clear your mind. (((HUGS)))

Jamie Touchette said...

Thank you SO much for the laugh!!! I really needed it this morning and I was laughing my ass off out loud as I read your entire entry. I am so sorry for your heartache but I love you for being so real about it.
Thanks again, you made my day!
*still giggling*
Jamie

Andrea said...

I know all of these feelings all to well. I just had my first (and only, due to cost!) cycle of IVF and it didn't work. I was heart-broken. And just like you, I knew...I just knew it didn't work. Odd, huh?
So glad I found your blog...It's nice to read other people's stories and not feel so alone about the entire process.
A

lorashook said...

Blogging is so weird...it makes you feel like you know a person and totally want to be friends! I have laughed and cried through your posts. Thank you so much for taking the time to put this in writing and in such an honest and sweet way. I'm only 7 months in, just finished my first IUI...with a negative test this am. I started by googling "infertility blog" and wanted to jump off a bridge...then had the good sense to add "funny" and yours came up! Thank you so much again! :)