Wednesday, June 4, 2008

INFERTILE WHORE: The Premier Issue!



Please note the part where I am touted as the blogosphere's latest model. Because how much more true could that be? (Well, maybe if it said supermodel.)


For the next issue, I'm thinking about a Demi Moore-esque photo of me. In the buff. With my faux pregnant belly. Maybe smoking a cigarette? Or chugging a giant bottle of $3 Boone's Strawberry Hill wine. I could pull it off. I look, literally, 4 months pregnant.


There's nothing more fun than looking pregnant, but not being able to get pregnant, but still desperately trying. And talk about SEXY! WOO! Mark is one lucky guy.








Pam made this cover for me, and I love love love it! Thanks Pam!


Today was my first day back at work, and I have to tell you: it sucked ass. I was totally uncomfortable, as my stomach has blown up like a balloon and my ovaries feel like grapefruits.

Not to mention, I spent my lunch break at the post office, preparing ebay items for shipping. It was empty, except the workers, me, and a lady with a baby.

Alone.
In the post office.
With baby lady.

By baby lady, I mean the lady who answered every question that the postal worker asked her as if she were speaking for her baby. It was a cross between a deranged ventriloquist act and a reenactment of LOOK WHO'S FUCKING TALKING!

And I was contemplating the real meaning of "going postal."

Seriously. Here is an example:

Postal: Would you like delivery confirmation?

Baby Lady: (to the baby) Tell him, "We don't know, how much does it cost?" (while bouncing baby on hip and shoving her in workers face)


The only good part of being forced to witness this exchange is that I have another item to add to my "Things I Will Never Be Stupid Enough to Do If I Have Kids."

Will not use baby talk and ventriloquism in public. Ever.

What's on your "Things I Will Never Be Stupid Enough To Do If I Have Kids" list?

**Click here to read about my creation of INFERTILE WHORE

47 comments:

Lost in Space said...

I will not try to have a serious phone conversation with my friends and only half-ass listen because I am also talking to my kid.

I will not put those retarded family stickers on the back of my vehicle - you know tht ones with the stick people of the dad, mom, 3 kids, a dog, and a cat.

I will talk about things other than my kids with the general public.

**Sorry you are still feeling crappy, Jen. I hope it is a good sign of things to come.**

BB and MTB said...

Seriously, I think this is one of the Oprah publications, right?

JuliaS said...

No, isn't it Martha Stewart publications? :0) You know - just another one of all those special issues she puts out all the time.

Here from NCLM.

My ovaries would do the grapefruit thing on Follistim too. Belly bloat too. Ah yes, good times, good times . . .

Good wishes - I wish you a great cycle!

Stephanie said...

I would sure as hell not tell people to take my kids and then they would change their mind.

I would not let my kid run around the dinner table with her poop in her diaper for everyone to see (like my trampy sister-in-law who is fertile as hell and I HATE).

Gosh, I could make an entire post outta this....maybe I will someday.

I hope your bloated belly stays bloated for 9 months!!!!

Io said...

You're gaawwwgeous darling.
I think the woman needs somebody to recognize that her child isn't saying these things and ask her very sympathetically if her child is special becasue he's not talking at __ months.

Shanny said...

LOL you are very creative and funny writer. The cover looks awesome! Wishing you lots of babydust, and hoping this is THE IVF. Good luck!

andrea said...

omg i love your new cover - and i think boone's farm will do for the next!

as far my 'list' - that is definatly on it, along with many other things that i have witnessed people doing... but most of all it's babytalk. hate.it.

oh ya -- and really i am so shocked that POAS hasn't brought that stupid bitch on yet...

PJ said...

I could do a whole post about stupid parents. A whole blog. A whole novel! But what comes immediately is letting them (toddlers and on up, really) run all over a store wreaking havoc, or taking your baby to the movies (WTF?), or really just NOT taking your baby out of a public place when they are squealing bloody murder. That is the epitomy of stupidity! (new future blog title?)

I have a huge list that really is from teaching and having to interact with so many bad parents. I will certainly know what NOT to do, should I ever be that lucky!

Lorrie said...

Can you add a "The 10 Most Annoying Things to Say to an Infertile Couple" article to your next issue?

Uhhhh.... I will never take a picture of my toddler beside their newly christened, still full of poop potty, like Kate did on the episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 that I saw on Monday.

Jill said...

I will never take my kids shopping all day for myself and then get upset when they get bored and aren't perfect angels.

I will never take my children to PG-13 or R rated movies because I want to see them and don't have a babysitter.

I will never let my kids stay up until all hours of the night and I will never take them shopping at 11:30pm

Ms. J said...

GAWD that faux magazine cover was freakin' funny!!!!!!!!

By the way, if you run out of Strawberry Boone's and wanna move to the hard stuff (full-fledged red wine), consider "Two Buck Chuck."

Suzanne said...

Love the cover! Hope you are feeling better.

What a crazy lady!!

Kim said...

I have kids so this isn't really a question for me. But I do hate when I talk to friends on the phone and they talk to their kids the whole time or tell me a play by play of what the kid is doing. Call me when your kid is asleep or discipline them to not yell into the phone! NCLM

april said...

As much as I'd love to get a subscription for your fabulous magazine, I'm hoping we're both off this crazy ride soon! ;)

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Never say never. I was determined not to:
1. Use a soother. Ended up using a soother.
2. Put a Baby on Board sign in the car back window. Had one free with the cot. Looked at it for a month then caved. Put it in car.
3. Try for another baby after the living hell of infertility and then a month of NICU. Currently watching for signs of ovulation...

Damn.

DawnsRecipes said...

I vow never to put my kids on the phone when people call to talk to me. I know no one else thinks it's cute hearing junior babble incoherently!

J. Nelson said...

These are a few things I say I'll never do as a parent....

Sometimes it's cute when the kid in the booth behind you is turned around playing peek-a-boo. Until they decide to toss the contents of their plate on your side. All while the parents are enjoying a peaceful meal.

I find myself correcting other peoples kids all the time. Like when your at the grocery store and the kid is hanging out of the buggie about to fall to it's death. The mother with her back turned debating which box of cereal(sugar)to buy. I grab the kid before he hits the floor which makes him scream and then the mother turns around with a shocked look on her face.

Do they issue blinders to the parnets when they leave from the hospital?

Mrs. Higrens said...

Take kids into a restaurant past their bedtime (once they've reached the hour of doom). That's why most of the chains have a carryout window.

Speaking of bloat, and wearing dresses (which you did a while back), where do you find your dresses? Inquiring minds want to know!

Heather said...

Oh my God! I can't believe the lady in the post office! Love the mag cover! I'd buy it. I want to see the shoes!

Malloryn said...

Hey, I'd subscribe to that magazine! 88 ways to get pregnant, I mean, surely *one* of them would work?

I hope you're feeling better soon, and that the bloat/swelling go down. Ugh.

I won't stick one of those "My kid is an honor student" stickers on my car. I'd be more likely to get "My border collie is smarter than your honor student"... and I don't even have a border collie!

Anna said...

Hi! Former lurker coming out to say 'hey'.

I will not allow my child to bring toys to church. If they are not old enough to participate, then they can stay home with their Dad.

I will not throw a ridiculously expensive, over the top birthday party for a child who is not even old enough to know what is happening.

Those are my two biggies. Thanks for the great Blog!

seriously? said...

Hope all the bloating leads to good!

My list:
- I will never drive a minivan
- I will never put magnets/stickers on my car of my kids activities with their names on them
- I will not stay in a restaurant, store, etc. if my baby cries and won't stop
- I will not look at them and say he's just high spirited when they do something wrong and refuse to address the poor behavior.

Infertile Friend said...

I'm with Anna - If your child is old enough to sit in church they shouldn't be coloring in Barbie coloring books - if they can't pay attention at least get them a Bible Story coloring book.

Also won't let kids roam free in parking lots - or anywhere dangerous for that matter - that is my biggest pet peeve to see a 2 or 3 year old just standing in the parking lot somewhere!

I would totally subscribe to the magazine!

Jendeis said...

I've figured out 2 of the 88 ways. Relaxing and baby dust. Can you run down the rest in a later post? Maybe it's sexy lingerie!

I will not allow my children to go without washing their hands when they use the bathroom.
I will not do one of those cartoon stickers of the members of our family on the back of my car.
I will not tell people that they don't understand anything because they don't have kids.

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

Good to know you love the cover! You go ahead and pose your Demi Moore-esque for me! No, I think not with a cigarette! What about a syringe between your mouth? That would speak volumes of the pain we go through!!!!!!!! Send me a picture and I'll take it from there! :)

The one thing that I won't do is not bring my baby with a pram to the market!! When I go to the market, it's so freakin' busy and i just want to grab and go without being in the way to grab my meats..as much as i love babies, but i can't have too many of them crying at the same time at the markets! it drives me nuts.

I'm sorry but that's just me.

Anonymous said...

I will not constantly refer to my husband as "Daddy" once we have a child. As in, "Daddy, the baby needs more milk, would you get some for him." I've managed to call him by his real name (or sh*thead when he really irks me) for 6 years now. I think that can continue.

I will not constantly talk to/discipline/play with my children while talking on the phone to other people.

I will not ever, ever, ever, present my new baby to a woman and say "Doesn't this make you want to have one?"

Dreamer4agift said...

I L.O.V.E. the mag cover!! I'd def. subscribe for life!

A few of my "nevers":
1. I will never continue to sit in a wedding, church service, or any other "quiet/reverant/none child-focused" event when my child starts crying/screaming/talking very loudly.
2. I will never allow my child to get away with smarting off to an adult, whether it be a family member or a stranger.
3. I will never talk ONLY about my child(ren) around ppl that don't have them themselves.

christine said...

I wholeheartedly agree about not allowing a child run crazy in a parking lot. I HATE THAT.

I also would never put up with a child screaming in a store because they want something. I see parents bribe children with candy and toys all the time.

Anonymous said...

Ha! I'm with the anonymous poster who will refer to her husband with the proper name. I really hope I won't refer to myself only as mommy. IE: bring it to mommy, come see mommy, mommy says to be quiet, mommy sees you, etc. Sorry, but how will the poor child ever speak properly? Bring it to me, some see me, I see you, be quiet, etc. will have to suffice!

Murgdan said...

OMG. Please sign me up for a subscription. I need the ovulation kits. Love 'Infertility Whore'.

spike0216 said...

Great Mag. Not only would I subscribe, I'd pimp it for you!!

My 'nevers':

I will never utter the most condescending words to another woman, "Once you become a mother, you'll understand."

I will never ask a woman when she is going to have kids. It's not my GD business and if she's another IFer, then that's just plain hurtful.

I will never flaunt my child around as a status symbol.

And finally: I will NEVER forget what it was like to be on the other side. NEVER. EVER.

Kelly D said...

The mag cover it too clever. I think there's a great market for it - about 7.3 million.

Best of luck to you in this cycle. I hope it works for you so you write a new list about what you WILL do when you're a mom.

here from NCLM.

Senora Roocell said...

If I have a daughter I won't let her dress like a whore when she's 12 years old (or ever). I used to be a Jr. High teacher and I sent kids to the office ALL THE TIME for dress code violations. I'm like "Hey, I don't want to see your boobs." Besides, it's depressing that a 12 year old has bigger boobs than I do. And this is what they wear to school! I cringe when I see them at the grocery store or Target. I know we had Daisy Dukes when I was that age and I had a few pair but I don't remember ever showing that much skin.
So anyway: I LOVE YOUR MAGAZINE COVER!!!

alicia said...

some people are weridos! I love the magazine, I saw it on Pam's site too, and didn't know if she made it or your did! She is awesome!

Things I will not do in public with my children: treat them like I don't want them. I CAN'T STAND THIS! I want to slap the parent and say if your child is such a burden to you, let an infertile loving person take them! I am sure arrests of attmeping kidnapping would fall down on me, but I can think about it all I want!

Stacy Woodruff said...

Great cover, although it was conspicuously absent from my REs office at my last visit. Check out my blog for more info. Can I get in line for the cover lineup of Infertile Whore? I am really good at looking fat and pissy in photos, if that's any kind of qualification. Not that you do, but it certainly is a common face among us infertiles.

smartypants said...

IF I ever have kids, I will never ever ever try and convince my non-child friends that they should have kids or ask my non-child friends WHEN they are going to have babies.
Love the title of your blog btw. That is one of my "favorite" solutions that family and friends have said to me in the past 2 years....
(here via NCLM)

Tricia said...

LMAO!!! I LOVE the cover of infertile whore!!! You just made me laugh so hard. Which is a difficult thing as I am dragging my butt to work with less than 2 weeks to go before summer break!!

Something I will never do.. Dress in matching outfits with DC.. Uggh..

Shereen said...

Love it, Jen! tooo Funny!

Karen said...

Love the blog...am an "unexplained secondary infertile" myself, taking a break from it all for a few months.
Things I promised myself I would never do (and had to eat my words)...
1) use a leash on my toddler...until she developed the ability to escape the stroller and go all track-and-field-superstar on me in less time than it took for me to sneeze.
2) call my husband "daddy" instead of by his given name...until our daughter started calling him "Chris" as a toddler
3) dress a helpless baby girl in frilly pink clothes like a little doll...until somebody gave me a frilly lacy pink little dress and it was just too damn cute to waste
4)fall asleep nursing in...until she needed to nurse Every. Hour. Around. The. Clock. For. Four. Freaking. Months. (good thing she was cute!)
5) leave my child in the car for "just a second" while I ran into the post office/grocery store/bank/etc. instead of wrestling with a carseat or little one...until, umm, wait, I NEVER did that (I guess if I was going to keep a promise, the dangerous, stupid one was the one to pick)

Ashley said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR POST. THEY MAKE ME LAUGH. EVEN WHEN I DONT FEEL LIKE LAUGHING. IM PRAYING FOR YOU AND I DO HAVE A FEELING THIS IS YOUR MONTH.- ASHLEY

Motel Manager said...

That ventriloquism lady has lost her fucking mind. There should be some sort of citation you can issue to people like that. Also to people who park their SUVs such that they take up two parking spaces.

MamaSoon said...

You are such a scream. I could read you all day. That story about the lady in the post office is so ridiculous that I could almost say that God put her there to give you a blog story to write home about.

And I so want to subscribe to Infertile Whore. That is so freakin' funny.

Nicole said...

I would get several subscriptions to your magazine.

1. To keep

2. To give to women that give me horrible advice. I think Infertile Whore might catch their attention!!

WHAT I WILL NOT DO: I will NOT hold my stomach at 4 months pregnant in public, as if I was 9 months pregnant!

Alison said...

Can I just say that I HATE those kind of women and I fear that I will do the very same thing. So friggin' irritating!!!! Husband and I L.Our.A.O. with your Demi Moore thing.

Sprudeln said...

Too funny! I'd order a subscription!

My list:
1. Ride the bus during rush hour with a big ass buggy, unless absolutely necessary. Small strollers or carriers only.

2. Allow my kid to dictate meals. We'll be eating what's prepared and if he's hungry, he'll eat it. (This is of course within reason - no kid likes brussels sprouts.) My sisters and I grew up with this rule and now we are quite adventurous diners.

3. Use baby words for anatomy. When I was a kid, I thought vagina was a swear word.

4. Put the kid on the phone unless they are old enough to dial for themselves or unless requested by the other person (I can imagine that my mother will want to be put on the phone regularly with my kids.)

5. This one's for me. I will try my very best not to compare myself to other parents and my children to other kids.

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