Monday, June 9, 2008

My Neuroses: Let Me Show You It

3:32 am: Wake up. With cramps. Period is coming, I just know it.

5:25 am: Mark wakes me up. Have cramps. YES. Totally pregnant. Why else would I have these cramps? With this bloating?

7:48 am: Arrive at work. Catch glimpse of OHSS pregnant-like belly in window. Awwww!

7:49 am: Walk through revolving door. Catch glimpse of OHSS pregnant-like belly in window. Ewwww!

8:02 am: Pee

9:17: Pee

9:22: Google 8dp3dt. For kicks.

9:23: Holy shit, there are some real weirdos out there…Holy shit! People get positives that early!

9:24: I need to go to Wal-Mart on my lunch. You know, for important marriage related stuff. Like bread. And, you know, maybe some EPTs.

9:25: NO! WILL NOT BUY ANY TESTS! AM RATIONAL AND STRONG MINDED!

9:58: Pee

10:46: Pee. Damn Gatorade.

10:47: Wait! Pee…again…Hmmm…?

11:24: Lunch in six minutes. Could sneak to Wal-Mart for Pregnancy Tests.

11:25: Am totally going to Wal-Mart. Am totally going to buy a shitload of peesticks and maybe some of those delectable Hostess cupcakes that are brown with the white loopy on the top.

11:30: Chicken out. Read book outside and get sunburn in mere 20 minutes. Am white like chicken fat.

12:12: Could probably make it to Rite-Aid and back. No time for Wal-Mart, but Rite-Aid…

12:30: Am holding head high. Am free of the sticks for pee.

12:31: Pee. Wish I had a peestick. Or a steak. Or both.

1:15: Google Cramps after IVF. Am swearing off Google for the rest of the day.

1:17: Google OHSS.

1:19: Serously, done with Google.

1:20: Pee.

1:40: Did I wear deodorant? Not sure. * Pretend to stretch * Oh, yeah. I'm good.

2:10: Pee.

2:14: Woe! Am so not pregnant! This so didn't work!

2:16: Eat 23 Jelly Bellys from coworkers candy dish. Enjoy the coffee flavored ones more than is normal.

2:23: OMFG. I am so knocked up right now.

3:01: Pee. This is fucking ridiculous. Does walking to the bathroom count as cardio?

3:02: Since I exercised so much, I should get ice cream tonight. Or cookies. Or both.

3:25: Leave work early. Take car in to get estimate since some fucktard rear-ended us on the way home from the retrieval. (Sorry, Internet. I forgot to tell you.)

4:45: Get home. Narrowly avoid peeing pants.

5:00: Pierogies. Like a little slice of heaven right on my plate.

5:37: Pee.

6:35: Holding pee to finish this awesome blog.

6:36: Pee.

48 comments:

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

You're so funny!!!! Had me smiling and laughing all the way.

Sending you a pee-free hug...

Bev said...

You crack me up!!! Your writing reminds me so much of Bridget Jones' Diary! I love it. Amd sending TONS of pregnant vibes to you dahling!

hairyfarmerfamily said...

I'm so, so glad it's not just me that has days like that! I had to stagger my pregnancy test buying over a number of days and different checkouts, in case someone noticed just how ridiculously many I was buying and laughed at me. And I've googled every symptom I've ever had. Dr Internet, eh? Gotta love him really.
Fingers very tightly crossed for that magic second line.

Anonymous said...

POAS damnit! I'm dying to hear about your BFP...and it will give me hope, since I'm in my 2ww also and have been having all the pg symptoms, just like I do each and every month. Damn IF...it will make you crazy.

Seriously though...love your blog, on here and on Redbook.

Jill said...

seriously.... I'm almost afraid of what I would hear if I could hear your thoughts. You are TOOOOOO funny!

andrea said...

so, do you keep a journal of the times you pee? just wondering... :)

and i most certainly think that walking to the bathroom counts as cardio - it is down the hall right? right, that's what i thought.... so eat some ice cream damn it!!

hope you enjoy your many trips to the bathroom tonight and um.... you know, keep up the will power if you so desire - or not? maybe wait two more days!

thepromiseofourlove said...

Hilarious!! Waiting to see if you hold out!

Caba said...

Here for NCLM.

I'm sorry you are dealing with OHSS. My sister went through that, I know that it was not fun!!!

Wishing you good luck!

Tricia said...

LMAO. You are too funny. You just put my brain during the TWW into words. I really hope this month worked for you!!!

~Jess said...

Haha...I hope you are knocked up!

I pee that many times in a normal day: I drink a lot.

PJ said...

Seriously, you had time to pee that much at work? Some days I think about peeing around 10AM, and then it's 3:30 and I realize I haven't peed. You're leading the good life, my friend. :)

Ahhh, the ole' pretend stretch and sniff routine. Done that. :)

To POAS or not. Touch times. Hug.

Meghan said...

Dear God that's alot of pee....hoping it means good things!

and buy as many pee sticks as you want. I once bought the dollar tree out of theres (I think it was 20+ or something insane like that)

DawnsRecipes said...

Hahaha! Girl, I'm so proud of you for holding out!

Io said...

I love you. Please don't pee on me.

KellyF said...

Wow lady, you pee a lot!

Katie said...

Everytime you say fucktard I think to myself, "Self, I need to figure out more ways to incorporate fuckard into my vernacular."

I also think you should test, but admire your tenacity. Hope this is a peein' positive.

Lost in Space said...

I pee that much on a regular day and yes it does count as cardio. (:

Hoping this is a great sign for you.

Shila said...

You are so funny Jen! I can't believe you haven't bought any tests yet! I start testing the minute I think I could possibly get a positive! I went to the dollar general last month and bought all the test they had! I saved all of them for some reason and lined them up on the counter! Gross I know...but I looked at them every time I walked by to make sure they didn't change to positives!

Dreamer4agift said...

Oh my gosh, I might've just peed in my pants alittle from laughing so hard at this post...okay, I lied, but I DID really laugh a lot. In fact, I think my hubby has decided I've lost it.

I'm over Google myself. I googled OHSS so much a few wks ago that I think I knew more than the RE.

Here's to + things comin' your way. Don't ya just love the pee trips from all the fluids?? ugh.

theclam said...

Hoping the peeing is a prelude to that BFP :) Go on pee again, I dare ya!

BB and MTB said...

Step away from the sticks and pee like regular people! Hope you make it a day or two more before you actually POAS. When is your beta? Good luck!!

Stephanie said...

Go buy a huge stock of sticks and pee everyday....all day. Every time you pee, POAS.

That's what I would do anyways (could be why I am in debt :)

Mrs. Higrens said...

Gotta love the cycles between positive and negative thinking.

(No pun intended there in reference to POAS.)

(Also, I can't believe you don't have any at home. Aren't we IF groupies supposed to have cabinets full as proof of our desperation?)

Heather said...

You crack me up. I love 1:40. I've been known to do the sneaky smell check in the summer months.

I'm hoping for good news for you. Don't succumb to the pee sticks!

MamaSoon said...

Oh man, that sounded normal to me. Funny, very funny, but normal. So can you do it? Will you hold off POAS?

J. Nelson said...

Fucktard

noun,

A person of unbelieveable, inexcuseable and indescribable stupidity. (Stupidity being defined as "knowing how and doing it wrong anyway")

NOT A CONTRACTION FOR "FUCKING RETARD"! Those who are truly "Retarded" are not responsible for their affliction. True Fucktards are 100% responsible for their situation and provide vast entertainment as they are usually blissfully unaware of their own Fucktardery. Most politicians for example.

I Like this word.

calliope said...

who are all these people telling you NOT to pee?!?! PEE!!! do it!!! You know you want to. You can do it & just tell me & I promise I won't tell. heh...
funny as always!

Mel said...

You must have been inside my head because this sounds uncanny to my last 2WW.
Thinking of you, hun.
*hugs*

Anonymous said...

Cramps after IVF is a very good sign, I hear! I just found out my first IVF cycle was successful. 5 weeks pregnant, and those cramps are pretty much still my only "symptom". Hold out! Do not pee on anything - wait for the beta. It will be worth it...

Anonymous said...

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Kara said...

Your post was just too funny - I was laughing aloud, here's wishing you success!

kate said...

Hilarious! Thank you for putting into words how I think so many of us feel during that 2ww. :D

seriously? said...

I agree you are hilarious. I wish I could come over and hang out with you and we could make fun of things together.

I had to teach my friend the stretch and smell move in high school. She always was paniked and didn't know how to check it. I showed her the move. She never smelled so I lived with her in college. She still uses the move...

Lisa said...

Fucktard. I do believe that sums up a boatload of the general population quite nicely. Very very nice. I think I shall borrow your word if you don't mind. ;-)

Hang in there, the 2ww will be over soon!

jmg said...

You f-ing crack me up! I'm so totally having pierogies for dinner now.

Jill said...

Jen-you always crack me up? OMG, I think we are sisters separated at birth: I pee all of the time, too! It's so ridiculous! But, I hope in your case that it's totally a good sign and that you are pg!!

Gotta log off--must pee!

peesticksandstones said...

My god, I think I'm peeing in my seat right now.

Thanks for the smile today! Looking forward to hearing some good news soon. Hopefully some day you will be peeing AND pooping on some labor-and-delivery doctor as your baby emerges. I know that is my dream :)

gabrielle said...

Jen, too funny. I would send you "baby dust" if I knew what the hell that was. Do you know what that is? At any rate, I am wishing you well and hoping that you at least make it to the potty before you need to pee again.

You do know that your post has probably prompted at least 30 trips to the bathroom, right?

Cernanec Family said...

Hi...My name is Crystal and I'm stalking you. Have you peed yet? You need to pee soon! I found your blog before I did my FET at Cleveland Clinic and was pretty bummed for your that your last cycle didn't work. My first fresh cycle was canceled b/c of OHSS (so I TOTALLY know how you're feeling right now with the bloating and everything else....pretty much blows). My first FET ended in a negative after transferring 2 embies. Then we had all of our embies shipped from our NJ clinic to Cleveland and did FET #2 there. We transfered three day 2 embies and are now prego with triplets (I guess we didn't have embryo quality issues after all). We also did acupuncture right before and after transfer, so maybe the needles helped...who knows. Anyway, I am still stalking you and I think you should pee...but, like, only if you really want to. But I did get my positive at 9dp2dt...and I NEVER would have tested had my hubby not kept whining at me to "pee on a stick". So lots and lots of luck...and having the OHSS is a really good sign...cause it gets totally worse if you are actually prego.

Kim said...

So funny! I had mild OHSS and looked pg too! Mine didn't improve at all for a long time. I went to re for u/s to check for fluid in my abdomen at 11dp3dt and they don't do betas until 14dp3dt. But re told me that since the OHSS is still going on that it didn't mean I was pg, but that he would be surprised if I wasn't! Hope the same is true for you! Good Luck! NCLM

Mary said...

ROTFLMAO!!

SAHW said...

Lol...I love it...this is the essence of the crazy mind games we play in the 2WW...more than a year later, I still do this, every single month.

Visiting from NCLM. :)

Katt said...

OMG...you are too funny! Brought back some serious memories for me.

Def. adding you to my reader.

hopeful #1 said...

You are hilarious!

I too love pierogies!!! I haven't had those things in months! Now I'm craving them!

Thanks!

Alison said...

You are by far the funniest thing God ever created!

Alison said...

Wait, how did that come out? I can't see what I said... I meant that you are funny and God made you. Wait, you are the funniest girl ever and God made you. You know what I mean, right?

Anonymous said...

HILAR! i love reading your blog, you are right on with the mental games we play with ourselves

Scott, Jill, Tanner, & Josie. said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever read! Thank you for the laugh!


FYI, I found you through Alison at uncomplicate-me. :o)