Thursday, July 24, 2008

Motherhood Maternity is a Whore

And not the good kind of whore, like an Infertile Whore.

You'll remember that I am FAT. And I have no pants that fit around my newly massive girth. I have been wearing dresses, loose skirts, and two Banana Republic skirts I have that I can pull up above my belly button (I am short, so it works out). Let's not lie - I've worn the same 10 things in a constant rotation for the past 9 weeks so that I wouldn't have to go out in public with a muffin top.



So today I decided that I would go to Motherhood Maternity and try to find a pair of pants. Yes, it's a bit premature for maternity wear, but since it is the only maternity store in the mall by my office, I figured I'd give it a shot.

Yeah.

The thing about the Motherhood Maternity at the mall by my office is that it smells like cigarette smoke. I think (or hope) it is unique to this particular Motherhood store. But I have stopped there three separate times only to be disgusted with the smoke smell. Me thinks a mall employee takes a few puffbreaks in the building...

Today I battled the smoke smell to still nearly cough up a lung at the sight of their prices.

$40 for khaki pants! Whaaaa? And not nice pants, but Wal-Mart quality pants. Gross, rough feeling, flimsy pants. Pants with a 32 inch inseam that I would need to shell out another $10 for so that they can be tailored to fit my freakishly short legs!

No way, you dirty, smoke smelling, overpriced whore! NO WAY!

A lot of their pants have elastic in the back. Like mom jeans. You know - small pockets, spread far apart, so as to maximize your wideassedness. 12 inch rise so they sit just under your bewbies? Sexy.


And maybe you won't want to read this next part, because it's just rude and mean.

Speaking of Muffin Tops. The girl working at the maternity store had the hugest, most fluffy, freshly baked muffin top I have ever witnessed. I mean, I don't even understand how she buttoned the pants. And of course, there was camel toe to boot, because when you have the hugest muffin top this side of the Mississippi, the two pretty much go hand in hand.

In the absence of safety goggles, which I did not bring with me to the mall, I kept my hand near my face. Just in case the button exploded off of her pants and took out an eyeball.

I suppose you can gather that I did not leave the store with a pair of pants. But! I did get 3 Bella Band knock-offs so that I can keep wearing my regular pants unbuttoned. That is, until my ass gets fat, but that won't be for a few more weeks, hopefully.

52 comments:

Meghan said...

Belly bands saved my life. And then when I was ready for the jump (12 weeks for me because I too was fat), I went to Mimi (same company as Motherhood, just a step up) and shopped only their sales. About the same price as motherhood but WAY better quality. It is the only way to get stuff in season anyway. I do not understand why maternity stores sell a season ahead like other stores...who can plan for that???

Target and Old navy are good for everything else. Seriously I got 3 good pants at mimi and all of my tops come from either target or old navy--stupid to pay that much money

Red Headed Mama said...

Oh, and the best part...their clothes shrink. Yea, always something you want when you are only getting larger!

Jen said...

I got my jeans from Old Navy online. I had the best luck with shirts at Sears, Target, and JC Penney. I went to Motherhood, but I found NOTHING good.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

One word...GAP!!

suzy said...

Hey just an fyi, there is a store in chagrin falls called ALL About Mommmy, well its going out of business, so everything is marked down. They are supposed to have very cute maternity wear. I'm going this saturday to check it out, I'll let you know about prices and if worth the drive!!

Betsy said...

I'm seriously LMAO!!! I can just picture how sexy the lady's muffin top & camel toe look! EEEEEKKKK!!! It could only have looked better if her bewbies were touching her muffin top! ICK!

SS you didn't find anything at that store - ITA w/ you...cheaply made & pricey! WTH! Try Target...they have the best maternity clothes for the price!

Zach's Mom said...

I started out overweight when I got pregnant. I had the best luck with pants from Gap and JC Penney. Wait till you move up to maternity tops -- most everything (except JC Penney) is a plunging v-neck that reveals way too much cleavage. I invested in a lot of tanks to wear under shirts.

Andrea said...

Target has reasonably priced maternity wear, Old Navy has it too... and really you only need it to last about 8 months.

As far as the up to the tatas pants-- it depends how big you get. My up to the tata stretchy part eventually became middle of the belly. And I hated haveing anything over the belly earlier on. I was horrible-- at home, I lived in stretch pants. I may have even worn them out of the house lol.

Good luck finding some clothes you like!

kr7466 said...

I have the short leg problem also so here's my tips.

1. Cropped pants or capri length could work for the summer.
2. Target (take the time and check the clearance racks)
3. Jc penney used to have some petite maternity clothes (5 yrs ago)- not expensive but some not so stylish either.
4. Borrow from friends. I was lucky with this one as my cousin(she's a little shorter than me) was 3 months ahead of me so she passed me things as she outgrew them.
5. Remember, what goes up must come down. But it takes longer to go down in weight post partum so if you buy something in a larger size (non-maternity),then you can wear it again later after the baby comes.

good luck!

Two Hands said...

Don't know if you've got Thyme maternity where you are, but their pants fit well (but are, sadly, also overpriced). They are good at fitting you for bras though for those ever-expanding bewbies.
Have I told you lately that I love you?

WellaWitch said...

Delurking to suggest looking for maternity clothes on Ebay. Wait, before you get grossed out, just think of it as borrowing clothes from a friend (unless that grosses you out, too). I found some killer deals and you might find those same pants for $10 instead of $40.

Kelly said...

I found me a new love for muffin topness, camel toed and fat assedness. Thank you.

Bekah said...

I went to Motherhood early on to try and find a skirt that would fit me. I was pretty much horrified by the prices. I ended up buying a skirt in a bigger size at Walmart, and I'm still rockin' it (I'm super fat now, yall).

Also, when you decide you need some new bras for your newly burgeoning bosoms, do some research on the sizing before you go. I went there stupidly thinking that their "trained" staff could help me. Now I can't wear the sleep bra (my boobs still hurt at 25 weeks) that I bought at 13 weeks because that ridiculously stupid girl did not measure me correctly. I'm still pissed about it.

Emily said...

Oh my god, I totally agree... Motherhood Maternity is the grossest ever. I was freaking out because like you, I've been living in one pair of Gap Maternity shorts and baggy stuff all summer but I have to go back to work in September and I'm pretty sure they won't let me go in an oversized t-shirt and nothing else, so... I have a suggestion...

Mimi Maternity (which I think is owned by the same company as Motherhood but try not to hold it against them because they have decent name brands) is having a huge sale right now. I bought a skirt, jeans (marked down to $39 from $108) and four shirts that are all totally work appropriate for less than $150. I ordered it all online and ordered it all big so I can grow into it and it hasn't actually arrived yet but I'm excited to have found cheap, cute clothes.

So I say check out their website... and good luck! I feel your pain :) Also, I'm watching tivo'd episodes of Tori and Dean and I so want to know where she gets her maternity clothes because they are super cute.

Cairo Mama said...

Maternity clothes are a conspiracy. the same company owns Motherhood, Mimi, A Pea in the Pod and the maternity clothing line in Sears. Target is often poorly stocked, but if you figure out the right size in the store, you can order online. Nothing is really cheap unless you get the sales, though Old Navy has pretty good deals.

Invest in one good pair of jeans and one good pair of black pants that fit well and look nice and supplement with what you find on sale. You can also check Good Will or Once Upon a Child or similar places for used maternity clothes. People sell them in lots on ebay as well if you want to get into that.

There are lots of very nice expensive online places, but it is hard to justify paying a lot for something you don't wear long.

I just got a maternity dress from an expensive maternity boutique that was originally $105 for $10. I would never have paid $105 for it, but it is worth more than $10. So hit that closeout sale in Chagrin Falls and look for bargains!

Tricia said...

So you ventured into a maternity store before you were PG??? (Maybe I read it wrong but, it sounds like you were there before) Brave Brave Women. I can't do it. I barley let myself look in the direction of the store as I walk by.

Sorry it smelled like smoke. That is so nasty. And it sucks that pant were so awful.

FYI. I hear that the secret fit pants from MIMI are the best. They don't have elastic waists. They kind of look normal and then almost have a big stocking on the top (that is how the picture looks at least). They are a little pricey. And Target and Old navy (mostly online for ON) have cute stuff. I hear all this info and store it away in a little place in my brain so maybe one day I can use it!! LOL

seriously? said...

Hey don't worry it is NOT just you. My clothes were getting tight to begin with (serves me right for going on a shopping spree at my lowest weight). I am 8 weeks and barely fit into ANY pants and most of my suit skirts are getting hiked up, feels like catholic school all over again (I am short too so I don't look like a total corporate whore).

My boss swore by gap, old navy and target for her maternity stuff. She bought three pants and a bunch of tops and still wore suit jacket blazers (open of course). I think that is my plan. Adding a few things for home. I am guessing I can hide it until 14 weeks at most.

Sarah said...

I think it may be all motherhood stores that are icky. The one close to where I live is hardly big enough to turn around in, let alone if you get 2 or 3 pregnant bellies in there...it could get dangerous! And there was DEF a smell. I dont know that it was smoke, but it sure wasnt right. Nope, not right at all.

And the "dressing room" HA! You didnt get that far did you? Well the sales woman(who I'm certain was at least 100, and had been smoking for about 98 years...y'know...the voice) kept pushing into the dressing room. And then....she strapped the pregnancy pillow to me. This pink, well it started out pink anyway manky strap on pillow. All in all it was a pretty gross experience. I bought a couple shirts. Out of desperation.

Old Navy was my new BFF after that little excursion.

Rebecca said...

Old Navy is definitely the way to go for Maternity clothing. It's reasonably priced and somewhat more hip than Motherhood. I mainly bought pajamas from Motherhood and the rest of my clothes came from Old Navy. Go online for the best selection as your local store will probably have a limited selection if any. Plus, you can get the shorter length online which I also need.

Belly bands are really useful too. Check out http://www.mamaspeaks.com/reviews/2008/07/baby-be-mine-ma.html for some bands with funky patterns. I only had one black one but next time (hopefully there will be one) I will probably invest in a few more. They will come in useful after you have the baby but are too small for your maternity clothing and still too big for your regular clothing.

Kate said...

I just laughed my ass off at that post! I loved that mom jeans skit.

MamaSoon said...

I have no ideas or advice but learning from your experiences. you always have me peeing in pants in laughter. Even 'bewbies' was funny. Do the knock off bella bands work?

alison said...

I got their bella band knockoff too. It's cheap at least.

Check out Target for maternity stuff. Seriously. I'm a closet Target shopper when I'm not knocked up, so it was a natural transition to their maternity section. They've had a few cute things there in the last couple weeks, but they're in that weird in-between clothing season, so hopefully fall stuff is on the way.

Mel said...

Hahaha... you made me LOL several times, thank you!
Have you looked at Target or Gap maternity? I would also try Old Navy or something else cheap. Maybe just buy cheap regular pants a size bigger for now.
I am a bella band whore, have been wearing them for a week and I am only 8 weeks pregnant. How pathetic is that, seriously? Thanks for being fat with me.
*hugs*

sarah said...

Get yourself to Mimi Maternity--really comfy pants, long inseam, but feh, that happens to some of us.

Bean said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've been in the worst funk for the past two days and you just made me laugh out loud!

Anonymous said...

Motherhood scares the bejesus out of me. It's not just your store, they're all stinky, small, and packed to the gills with scary looking, cheap clothing. I went in there looking for a bella band when I was around 7 weeks, and I ran out swearing I was never walking into another maternity store. Then I found my mecca: A pea in the pod. Pricey? Yes, but they have good sales. I'd rather pay more and not fear for my life!

nancy said...

I ~loathe~ motherhood because of their materials. So terrible and scratchy, you are right.

Mimi's is pricey, but I like them.

My FAVORITE is gap and old navy. I shop online, order all sizes and free returns! yay!

Steph said...

I always felt like the biggest fatty trying stuff on at motherhood. I think it's cause I would pick up clothes that I THOUGHT would fit (I would pick up stuff that USED to fit me). Then I would try it on and just get super pissed off. hee hee.

I'm only 5'1" and finding pants was tricky. I liked the maternity jeans from old navy, maybe you will get lucky there?

Thanks for commenting on my blog! Someone famous looks at my blog ;)

Take care :) And enjoy the mom jeans, cause you're going to be a MOM!!!

Amy said...

I admit it...I had to google cameltoe, and good 'ol wikipedia got me up to speed with pictures and everything. I had no idea, but you know I'll be noticing now, and applying the proper name. I guess you learn something new everyday!

sheilah said...

I just read your Redbook post and cried. My little IVF miracle is 5 years old and I can still remember the pain that you ralk about. I don't think you will ever have that easy acceptance that fertiles have (and they will never understand it).

IF changes you. You are different.

Mrs. Higrens said...

I was going to say Target is supposed to rock the maternity section, and then I read the other comments and realized that I'd be the eleventy-billionth to say that, so I'll just shut up about that. Also still in avoid evil baby and maternity store mode, so am not the person to give any useful advice.

Your Redbook post was very powerful.

(I tried to comment there, but Redbook treated me like a whore* and refused to accept my log-in.

*Not a nice, safe, infertile whore, a nasty diseased whore you'd find under the overpass downtown with needles and used condoms hanging off her.)

alicia said...

ha ha ha!!! so funny. Sorry that the store sucked butt, I hope you find some pants soon!

alicia said...

ha ha ha!!! so funny. Sorry that the store sucked butt, I hope you find some pants soon!

battynurse said...

Ok, took me a minute to figure out the word bewbies and then I started laughing hysterically. I hate pants that hit me just under the girls. Being a bit chubby this was a big issue for a long time until the low rise pants started. Oh and the muffin top thing with camel toe? Ewwww. Why do these girls think that just because they can get their ass into it it looks great on them.

JamieD said...

Where did you find the pic of the women in mom jeans?!?! It is hysterical. If you look at their faces, they are clearly singing, "I'm too sexy for my jeans . . ."

Nicky said...

JCPenney online was my lifesaver. Their in-store selection isn't great, but ordering online worked really well for me. I'm also short, but I quickly gave up on even TRYING to find pants in the right length. I'm certainly no seamstress, but I was able to hem 3 pairs of maternity pants without them looking too horrible.

Kim said...

Congrats on 9 weeks! Yep, I was there. No clothes to fit, not big enough for maternity clothes - short legs too, too much weight gained during IF treatments. Add some OHSS fluid, swollen ovaries and bloating. Then you have a newly pg me looking like a seasoned veteran! Ugh! When I got to about 15-16 weeks I finally started to look more pg than fat! Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I'm a week behind you...and I splurged on new designer jeans from Pea in the Pod. They were super expensive but designed to stretch with you as you "grow" -- I figure, since I'm due in winter, it's a good investment. They are so comfortable I may never go back to regular jeans! They're also having a 60% off sale...Everything in the store is overpriced but I think the jeans are worth it.

Roses Daughter said...

LOL! I needed a good laugh. Thanks.

sarah23 said...

My local Motherhood actually had a few cute dresses that were about $24... I didn't buy any yet, though. I agree with your comments about the pants (although I haven't fully explored the racks there.)

"A Pea in the Pod" has some petite length maternity wear, but that store is expensive. Sales are a must!! However, I will mostly need maternity wear in the fall/winter, so it is frustrating to shop anywhere at this point because all the sales feature tank tops and shorts.

I don't think that any of my local Gaps have maternity, but one of the Old Navys does. It seems like a lot more stores have maternity stuff online... but I hate ordering clothes on-line!!

Jill said...

Hilarious as usual! Sorry you are having trouble getting good maternity wear. Hopefully, you'll find some good stuff soon. The gals responding back to you had lots and lots of great suggestions!

Just wanted to pop in and see how you were doing! So glad everything is going well with you!!

Sarah said...

I've added you to my blog list. Hope thats OK. =)

E_Sharp said...

Like car accidents, I am bizarrely drawn to muffin tops. Looks you had an encounter with a doozy! Too bad there was no way to take a photo on the sly...

Wendy said...

I just wanted to see how you were doing, too. I'm sorry you didn't have much luck at Motherhood Maternity. I know my SIL has found a lot of stuff at Old Navy.

E_Sharp said...

Brace yourself for the fun times ahead... consider yourself tagged.
This one's easy, I swear!

hopeful #1 said...

Fupa, Dupa, Duppiddy do... I see the clerk's gunt looking at you...

GGGeeeewwww! Seriously, shouldn't someone kindly warn this person what she's bringing to the retail world... just all sorts of badness!

Kim said...

Ann Taylor Loft has maternity stuff online now and I've loved everything that I have purchased. Gap Maternity is great, too.. but runs really big.

Malloryn said...

That little muffin image cracks me up! Good luck finding some wearable maternity wear.

sarah said...

Hey, when you don't post, we worry!

Kim said...

Please visit my blog - I have something for you!

Anonymous said...

I'm looking at this pic of you and I think to myself...where is this fat girl she keeps talking about?? You are tiny, tiny, but with the cutest little baby bump EVER!!! So happy for you!
Jen S.
Texas

Anonymous said...

I'm going to go anon for this, because, well, I really do like you and don't want you to think of me as a horrible person who can't take a joke.

You aren't fat. You're pregnant.

I'm not pregnant. I'm fat.

I have PCOS and because of this am having the worst time getting pregnant AND the worst time losing weight. Hearing someone who is pregnant describing herself as fat is really very hurtful to me for a number of reasons. I know that your blog is not about me. It still hurts.