Tuesday, October 21, 2008

In Which I Am A Big (Not So) Fat Hypocrite.

There is nothing I hate more than when a blogger gets a less than agreeable comment, then posts a rant against that person. But…sometimes I like to be a hypocrite. From Anonymous, in response to my last post:

“OK I love, love love your blog. But I have to say, PLEASE stop the “I’m so fat blah blah blah” but here is my adorable belly pic.

Don’t forget your roots as an infertile. You’re making us feel kinda bad.”

* sigh*
* eyeroll *
* siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh *

OK.
Okokokokok.
OK.

First let me say: I get it. I do! I completely and totally get it. I can’t count how many times I happened upon a pregnancy blog while I was doing IVF and wanted to scream over the complaints of a pregnant person.

I mean, how dare she be uncomfortable? Or feel fat? Or…ugly? Bah! How dare she be happy or sad or miserable or anything but compassionate for the INFERTILES?!

But really. Really? Get real.

I really hate it when people act like someone can’t complain about something just because there is someone in the world who is worse off. There is always someone going through something worse than you, yet everyone complains, right?

You may hate to read it, but I have news: Things to not turn to peaches and cream once you get pregnant. They just don’t. Things are still annoying, and sometimes pregnancy is uncomfortable, and sometimes it is not all that fun.

I can appreciate, at any single moment, how fortunate I am to be pregnant and for things going so well so far. Actually, after two straight years of being depressed, I can tell you: I am, in fact, feeling pretty fabulous right now. I love being pregnant and while the numbers on the scale do bother me (and I’m not saying that’s right, but that is the truth), my belly is round and adorable and I can feel our little girl every single day. It is the best thing.

However…

Just because I went through fertility treatments and put myself out on a very, very public forum during those treatments, does not mean that my writing at this point needs to revolve around infertility. Actually, I got some of my rudest comments and emails when I was still blogging about infertility at Redbook while I was in my first trimester, because apparently it is common practice to hate someone who was infertile just as soon as they get pregnant.

It has nothing to do with “forgetting my roots.” Trust me. It is a daily part of my life, and nothing could make me forget the way that I felt during my treatments when I thought that there was no hope of ever getting pregnant. And in a year or two, I will be back in the stirrups and will most likely be amusing the infertile population once again. How will it be then? Should I not complain about my second round, since I will already have a child? Shouldn’t I just be satisfied that I could have one when some people can’t even have that? Where does it end?

I don’t feel any need to translate my feelings in a way that is more appealing to the infertile community just because I went through fertility treatments and had the nerve to actually be successful. I am entitled to write a sarcastic entry about being uncomfortable or feeling fat, regardless of how my pregnancy happened.

It is a really horrible thing when people are trying to get pregnant and cannot. You know what else is horrible? Being so bitter that you need to leave a backhanded compliment to someone who has been a huge cheerleader for the infertile community. I think it’s horrible that someone has to leave a “zinger” under the cloak of anonymity just to bring me down a notch because I have something she doesn’t.

It is only going to get worse from here on out. I am only 5’1”, and I suspect that I am only going to be more uncomfortable as time goes on. And then I’ll have the baby and I’ll be tired and will complain about that. And surely I will complain when the baby barfs directly into my face, and blah blah blah. Am I expected to preface every negative or sarcastic statement I make with a disclaimer of guilt for the rest of my life?

This will be the only time I address this, but I’m sure it won’t be the last time it comes up. I refuse to change the way I remember my pregnancy to cater to anyone else’s opinion about my infertility and how it relates to my writing about pregnancy.

**EDIT TO ADD:

As of 10/23/08, comments are closed on this post. If you didn't get a chance to comment, then I'm sure that your viewpoint has been expressed by someone else.

I did approve all comments except three. Two of them being attacks on me personally, outside the scope of this post, which is unacceptable. The third was one of the rejected commentors - who, by the way, said they were NEVER COMING BACK! - who wanted to point out that I did not publish all comments. With the exception of these comments, absolutely all comments and viewpoints were posted. You do not have to agree with me, but you do not need to be an asshole, either.

I don't have a desire to go on and on about this with people. You either "get" my sense of humor, or you don't. You either agree with the way I write, or you don't. You will either continue to read, or you won't. I can't control what you think.

If you don't like my blog, or you think I am not a good read, the solution is simple: Don't read this website.

I would completely understand and encourage you to stay away if the way that I describe my pregnancy annoys/bothers/enrages you.

65 comments:

Stephanie said...

I'll be completely honest here. I don't post much on your blog now, only because I don't know much about being pregnant, so I don't have anything much to add. HOWEVER I do have something to add to this one. I, as an apparent forever infertile, have not once been offended by your blog. Yes, you write about your worry with weight gain....the same as those going through infertility treatments often write about worry with weight gain. If I remember right, that's where your worry started. Anyways, you always make me laugh and to the person who wrote it-if you are too upset to read what a pregnant person writes, don't read it. Take care of yourself, but don't bring others down with you.

K-I'm off my soapbox now.

MDZ said...

You go girl!

Dawn's Recipes / The Baby Blog said...

Good for you! I'm glad you addressed "Anonymous". The best thing about your blog is the honesty, so why change now? Even if that weren't the case, this is your blog. You're taking time out of your schedule to write it. It's free to those of us who want to read it. You know what I do when I don't like someone's blog? I don't read it! It's a simple solution. Okay, I'll step off my soap box now.

Amy said...

You go girl! I personally have no problems with the way you write...it's witty and sarcastic and fun to read. Though some will say I only feel that way since I'm now in the same boat...but even before my pg I didn't mind. You have to keep it real!

Sara said...

Well said.

anabelle1122 said...

I agree with you! Pregnancy is uncomfortable... getting fat with that big belly does suck, and trust me.. those sleepless nights you'll have with a baby... suck too.

That's part of the experience of having a child... and I think that because you struggled so hard to get to the point where you get to experience the oh so amazingly wonderful shitty part of being preggers and a parent, means you get to complain about all the normal stuff just like the rest of us. Personally.. I feel you've earned that right! So bitch away girl.... you deserve it!

Anonymous said...

i've been reading your blog in all its variations for almost a year now. i was rooting for you during every cycle and actually, you and i have due dates about 2 weeks apart, yet i've never felt compelled to write until now. DO NOT let other people get you down. you have treated both the highs and lows of infertility and pregnancy with the utmost respect and you should feel no obligation to preface your complaints with disclaimers just because you got lucky. there will always be haters, no matter what. let that all roll off your back and please, PLEASE continue to share your life with us. i check in here every day and always look forward to reading what you have to say.

wishing you and your little muffin all the best

barbara & baby peep

Esther said...

WAY TO GO! As a writer, I've struggled with feelings of guilt when I write about how I feel about some of the people in my life. My musings aren't always "nice" or "pleasant" but they are just that: MY musings. Fortunately, you are brave enough to share your experiences with all of us, and I know you were worried about how the infertile community at large would react. I still haven't started my blog...I keep a very private journal and haven't shared it with anyone yet. But you give me hope that one day I can get over my fear and put myself out there. Thanks for being wonderful you!

momofonefornow said...

I struggle with this myself. My dh and I tried for 4 years to get pregnant before we finally had our bean. He is 4 1/2 now and we are trying again but I feel like I don't have the right to complain about the treatments or worry over rather or not we will be successful because other IFers might think I am being insensitive or don't have the right since I already have a son. It is frustrating and I commend you for asserting your right to write the way that you choose.

Malloryn said...

I agree with you, Jen. People can always choose not to read someone's blog if the content bothers them. But this is YOUR blog and you have every right to post whatever you please. I might not always be able to relate to what you're going through, but I enjoy your writing, your honesty and your humor. Thank you for sharing this amazing time with us :)

Seriously? - Erin said...

You can't be apologetic for the rest of your life. You are being honest and true to yourself.

I hate the weight gain too, and you are right, it isn't always perfect days!

Jen said...

I've always said "my blog, my space, and it is going to be about what is going on in my life." If someone can't handle it, I totally understand and they can leave.

I get sick of comments like that. Of course you are happy to be pregnant, but you are totally entitled to complain about the bad parts.

Molly said...

I've read your blog for awhile now but have never commented. I've struggled with infertility for more than 4 years now, and I will admit to pangs of jealousy towards you and anyone else who has been able to get pregnant (through whatever means) and rolling my eyes at complaints about being pregnant. But that is MY problem and not yours. Enjoy your blessing!! If I went through life deciding to hate anyone who was able to get pregnant, I would have zero friends. ZERO. Though there are times I struggle, that is not for you or anyone else to feel guilty about, those are my own issues to work through. When and if I do finally get pregnant, I hope I can complain with as much enthusiasm as all other preggos have! I'll relish complaining, as I know you do!! Don't let it get you down! I appreciate your blog so much!

marty said...

I've never commented on your blog before, but I heart you. I think you're hilarious and cute and I'm so happy for you!! And I think your attitude is perfect. Good for you!

alison said...

Amen, amen, amen...

Lauren said...

Hey there! I've been a follower for awhile and I'm officially delurking to say THANK YOU!

While I haven't yet received any anonymous hateful comments, I've also been afraid to talk on my own blog about how uncomfortable this pregnancy has been for me. After having no complications in my first pregnancy back in 2006, I lost a baby to miscarriage 8 months ago. I remember getting some not so nice comments on a networking site about how I should be grateful that I at least hava child because some of the other women in the groups didn't have any children. I remember how that made me feel... it was like they wanted me to just ignore the fact that I'd lost a baby and deal with it because I was already blessed. Now, after 2 rounds of fertility treatments we are pregnant again and I have the same fear of complaining because of what people might say.

That's no way to live and it's certainly to way to blog. We have every right to feel uncomfortable and write about it if we want to. Don't let the negative people get you down, and I promise not to let them get me down either.

You go girl!

Emily said...

I still don't think you look like a Simpsons character! Can I still reply with "I don't think you look fat?" because on eof the reasons we are here is to try to cheer you up?

Haha- ...when the baby barfs directly info my face....

I think I just spit up my coffee.

Kelly said...

AMEN sister!

Anonymous said...

" because I have something she doesn’t"

Ouch. I was with you until this phrase. That hurts. You really couldn't think of a more sensitive way to say the same thing? Would you have been stung by that before you were successfully pregnant?

Aunt Becky said...

*nods head vigorously*

I'm not an infertile, but I am a friend of yours. And yeah, I get this. I get this from both sides. As someone wise said to me, "Your cancer doesn't heal my broken back."

Well said, my friend. Well said.

And complain away. Bottling it up gets you nowhere.

sarah said...

Thank you for standing up for the right of infertiles who make it to have teh 'real' experience of pregnancy. Yeesh. You keep on telling it like it is, please.

Jen said...

Anonymous:
I make no amendments to the quote you pointed out. I would not have been offended prepregnancy, as I never would have argued with a pregnant person on her own opinions posted on her own website.

grace said...

Kudos for you for putting up boundaries. My sister and I have struggled with infertility but when she got pregnant after many years I screamed my head off with joy. I share your pain AND joy AND complaints!

Julia said...

Damn straight!!! We are sitsas no matter what.

I know how you feel on the whale scale. It's your right to bitch!

Megan said...

I have enjoyed your blog and agree with what you write here. As devil's advocate, I think sometimes when someone is using sarcasm and self-deprecation as a way to be funny or add some comedic effect (or dramatic effect) it can come off as being negative and "Debbie Downer." There are exaggerations and exclamations...and it's all part of a tone you set. When words like this are spoken aloud, we all often get what the tone is supposed to mean. But when it's written, some of the intent disappears. For me, I "get" what you have been saying. This is YOUR blog. I think people come here excited for you and want to vicariously see what it's like to finally achieve "the big dream" only to mostly be hit with complaints and self-put-downs. When you mention in this post about the good parts "my belly is round and adorable and I can feel our little girl every single day. It is the best thing" well...I felt like I'd been thrown a bone. That there IS something positive about pregnancy. Complain all you want, it's your blog and your feelings. My point is, lots of us are here cheering for you and want a slice of what it feels like. As someone who knows the hell it took to get where you are now, we want to be reassured for ourselves going through it (at least sometimes)that it wasn't to just be more miserable when it finally happens. I'm glad you said what you did to clarify where you stand.

Jaci said...

Jen, I enjoy your blog, and I love your humor. I always have. ;)

I'm glad you chose to keep your blog going at all. You could have just posted a big THE END the day you found out you were pregnant and left us all dangling.

Keep us posted on all the details, including your tubs.

Mrs. Fakes said...

Hi. I've never posted on your blog before, but I've been following you since I started my own IVF cycle just after yours. After two years and countless drugs, I am pregnant with triplets.... and I complain ALL THE TIME!!!! I don't love being pregnant and I'm not afraid to say it! This pregnancy has been seriously difficult and I think we, as former infertiles, can complain all we want! This didn't come easy!!! You have every right to complain away!!!

A said...

Your ability to talk so honestly about your struggles and about your pregnancy give myself and others hope that we will one day have that happiness too. We all share in your excitement as we follow you along this journey!

Ms. J said...

I have always kinda felt that if ANYBODY is allowed to complain, gripe, vent about pregnancy . . . it's those who have struggles so much to get there!

Can't we stand united in loathing the "it took us three whole months to get pregnant" crowd, folks?! (C'mon, we still universally hate them and the "It Just Happened!" chicks, right?!

Elle Charlie said...

I doubt this woman was coming from the most emotionally stable place (as infertility can sometimes drive one to feelings of madness!), but I agree that this is your space, and only positive comments should be left on your posts (or else, don't read this blog anymore!).

I do feel bad for this woman though - she is probably not at her best at this point in time. Maybe under different circumstances she wouldn't have been so attacking...

I'm sorry that you got a negative comment on your blog, though, that can be very upsetting since it's your space to talk about whatever you want!!!

Anonymous said...

I have read your blog for a long time. I cheered when you told us you were pregnant. I love your sense of humor.

However, I have to agree with anonymous. I am the same height you are. I gained 25 pounds total during my pregnancy. It never ever occured to me to be upset about my weight gain because I was so happy to be having a healthy baby. Last time I think you said you gained 9 pounds! Really, you're upset because of NINE POUNDS? I know people whos weight fluctuates 9 pounds in a week! In all honesty you do tend to focus a lot on the weight gain.

With that said- it's your blog. Write whatever you want. If it the weight thing gets too much, I just won't read it. Big deal, right?

Laura said...

I've been wondering when you were going to get a comment like that. I just find other blogs have handled this issue maybe more a bit more ... um, graciously. Are the eye rolls and sighs really necessary about a comment that I think was placed pretty politely? The commenter simply praises your blog, and then makes a small request that you think of your audience.

As soon as you got pregnant, it seemed your writing turned quickly to belly pics and "here's a picture of every fun thing I get to buy", etc. You are totally right - its your blog, you should write whatever you want. Its just feels a bit alienating. The weight gain stuff may also be hard for those of us who worry about their own weight gain. You must know somewhere that 9 pounds over 21 weeks is not a bad weigh gain at all. I've already gained 6 pounds in my first 10 weeks, so reading these complaints just makes me feel bad about myself, you know? I know its all relative, but maybe give it a thought. You know other people are reading, this is very different than a private diary. You write not only for yourself, but for your readers. I'm not sure I'll be back.

That said, you do look lovely and I hope everything goes well very with your little one.

C said...

Very well said. Can't an infertile experience pregnancy and motherhood just as other women do -- all the good and bad, without any "survivors" guilt? I never, ever for one minute forget how lucky I am to have my son. I thank God daily for bringing him to me and pray that every woman gets the baby she longs for. However, I do some days contemplate sticking my hand in the blender so I can be admitted to the hospital and get a few days off.

Such is life.

Julie said...

OMG people. She wants a BABY. You either have a baby by pregnancy or adoption. Is pregnancy fun for some people? Sure. Is it miserable for others? Yes. It's a means to an end.

And as for the comment, "I have something she doesn't," that is PRECISELY the reason anonymous wrote the comment. She is jealous (understandably). When she's pregnant, she will find something to complain about too.

Sarah said...

Jen,
you dont have to justify ANYTHING you write in your blog. Its your friggin blog!!
So, what just because you're a "former infertile" who has been blessed enough to get pregnant, you're supposed to NOT complain about your pregnancy like every other woman in the world?! Fuck that I say!
You have earned the right to complain just as much as any woman who has or hasnt gone through treatments! complain Jen! Complain a lot! I wanna hear every detail of this pregnancy. All of it!

And for those of you who dont wanna read about her wonderful pregnancy, or her complaining about her wobble arms(which by the way Jen, I totally have you beat! and I'm not even preggers. YET)
GO READ A DIFFERENT BLOG! For freakin serious. Yea, Jen has what we all want...but she earned it. Let her be just like any other freakin pregnant woman!

Heather said...

I agree with you 100%! I'm currently going through infertility, and to be honest, I just don't understand those people who are offended by women such as yourself who struggle through infertility and then become pregnant--and blog through the entire process. Your blog is your journal about your life. There's no rule anywhere that says your blog can only be about infertility. I, for one, am happy to read the blogs of infertiles who get pregnant. I am happy to read your blog. It gives me some much needed hope! Also, I think it's completely normal to write about your experiences with pregnancy. Why wouldn't you want to chronicle this part of your life like every other? Readers want to know what you're up to and how you're feeling. I find nothing hurtful about it. I'm glad you wrote this entry, and I think you'll find that more people agree with you than disagree.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous here.
Sorry about the comment last night.
It's your blog, you can write whatever you want.

However, what is irking me is all the self-deprecation. Did you read the comment above? 9 pounds is healthy and normal for 21 weeks. So why do you act like you are the most gigantic pregnant woman alive? You're not. You are clearly a beautiful prenant person. I know exaggeration is funny, but at some point you should give it a rest. You're a funny person, I'm sure you can make any aspecty of pregnancy humorous without all the self-deprecation.

You know when someone is like "Goddd I look like CRAP today..." and they CLEARLY just showered and look amazing? And they are just fishing for a compliment?
That's how your blog feels lately. But you have the right to write whatever you want.

Congrats on the little one and sorry about the trouble my comment caused.

JenM said...

If I could get my big pregnant after infertility ass off the couch, I would stand up and applaud. You have every right to compain about anything you want to complain about. I don't want to say that going through infertility means you earned it. . .but, well, you earned it!

I'm going to put it this way. I know you. If you were to start sprouting nothing but sunshine and roses, you wouldn't be you. It wouldn't be true to who you are. Just because you're pregnant now doesn't mean that you need to be a different person. Keep up the bitter.

The weight thing in pregnancy sucks. You worry about gaining too much, or not enough. You were so freaking skinny in the beginning, obviously 9 pounds on you makes you more uncomfortable.

Complain away, my friend. I'll keep reading!

kirke said...

When you can't even comment on the changes your body is going through, the aches and pains and you have to smile thankfully through all of it....doesn't it seem like just one more thing IF has robbed you of? Why can't you grouse and complain like all the other pg ladies?

I think your blog is excellent!

Anonymous said...

I say - You're pregnant, you can complain about what you want when you want...people should wait on you...Mark should rub your feet and get you chips or pickles or a Big Mac in the middle of the night......As my wise sister says..."I do what I want, B****!"

Love your nursery color and bedding, so perfect for a little girl!

Kristen

Anonymous said...

BRAVO Mrs. Thang! I am giving you a standing (so whatever, I'm sitting) ovation. I'm an infertile and find your blog HIGHlarious. It brightens my sad and depressed days and I appreciate it. Not like you needed to be reminded, but maybe Miss Anonymous does, this is YOUR blog, YOUR space ... you write whatever the hell crosses your mind in between trips to the restroom and cravings.
Furthermore ... I appreciate all the flower and teddy bear former-infertile-now-pg bloggers who profusely apologize for thinking about being happy about being pg, but it's not necessary. Just like you said "When will it stop!?"

Anyways...I've used up too much space, but I LOVE your blog and can't wait to keep on reading.

K.I.T. and Have a great summer.

Beautiful Mess said...

Awwwwwww and WOW...a lot of comments! I agree with you. You do whatever the f*#k you want. I'm only an inch taller then you and every pound shows on. BUT I am taller then YOU nananananana!!!!
Have a good one!
-D

Denise said...

Jeez, I don't know if you'll even see this after your 41 comments on this post already! But from one 5'1" tall pregnant after IF treatment gal to another, can I just say "Hell Yeah!!"

Sarah Hetrick said...

YOU ARE HYSTERICAL. SO incredibly funny. My bff coworker and I check your blog daily for updates. DONT change a thing. There will always be anonymous-ers with opinions. You bring laughter and joy to many other people so don't sweat it!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm not quite sure how I feel about this one. All I can say is this. When you 'cross over' from the infertile side to the pregnant after infertility side, you have high hopes that everyone will stick around and keep cheering you along and supporting you.. and that most of all, they'll still 'get you'. But the fact of the matter is that they usually don't.. they don't stick around, and they don't understand. Because they're not where you are. And even if they are where you are, they had a totally different journey and are a completely different person with an individual way of dealing with things. Now, this is just an ASSumption.. but MAYBE your slight obsession with the 'little things' about this pregnancy, are keeping your mind off of the BIG and SCARY things.. like oh my god, am I really going to get a real live baby out of this? Or will all of this be ripped away from me one fateful day? Maybe it's easier to just focus on the surface instead. And I would probably do the same thing. My only advice is to be yourself, and continue to blog what you feel.. but maybe be a little more sensitive to your audience who has been there reading/hoping/praying/supporting you along the way, who at this very MOMENT - would kill to be where you are (even though they TOO will probably complain when they ARE). It's hard for people in THAT position to imagine EVER complaining once they have what we're all searching for.

Kathleen said...

Jen, I love your blog. You provide both levity and insight in this amazing and strange place that straddles both infertility and pregnancy. I came across your blog this summer during an agonizing two-week wait after my second round of IUI with injectibles. I read all your archives, and I now eagerly await new postings each week. Here's the thing though-- I'm so happy to say that I'm exactly 5 weeks behind you, due on March 31!!! If I hadn't been fortunate enough to conceive by now, though, I might not be reading your blog anymore-- I'm guessing it would be too hard for me both to see your glow and to read your pregnancy complaints. But that's the choice we all have as readers, right? If I find what you write to be hurtful or offensive or if it makes me jealous, I don't have to keep reading your blog. Lucky for me, I think I get you, and I'm just a step behind you, so I continue to eagerly await new posts. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with all of us! I can't wait to read about what's to come, complaints or otherwise!

Jenn said...

Like some others, this is the first time I've posted on your blog. I've been following it for about the last six months when I discovered the Infertility Diaries on Redbook. While you were much farther along in the process and I was only getting started with the testing it was nice to read about somebody else's thoughts and experiences. Since then I've experienced a miscarriage and am back to TTC again. I still read your blog and I enjoy reading about your experiences through all of this. To follow a story that goes from infertility to success gives me hope. So keep on writing!

Veronica said...

You know what? I know how you feel.

It took us 12+ months of trying to fall pregnant with my current pregnancy (27 weeks and counting). Then a fortnight ago, we had a scare and I landed in hospital on pre-term labour watch for 3 days.

So while I am thrilled to be pregnant (finally) and oh so grateful to still be pregnant (because I really didn't want to give birth at 25 weeks), I am uncomfortable. I have long legs, but a tiny torso. There is hardly any room left for my lungs and I am sure there are a pair of feet wedged into my ribs. I want to whine, but I don't feel like I can because it could be so much worse.

Sigh.

(So now, I'm whining on your blog, where I had only ever lurked before. Sorry about that. I'll back away quietly now)

Rebecca said...

Well, to be fair to the commenter, you have a lovely bump and definitely don't seem fat to me (I even showed my husband how cute you were) but I know it's all relative. You also definitely have a right to complain, every infertile who is lucky enough to get pregnant does, in fact, I did a post on that very topic recently.

I'd like to complain about how tired I am right now. I'm 8 weeks along and pregnant with twins. My first child was born via IVF and my second pregnancy was also IVF.

So, complain away and enjoy every minute of it!

Veronica said...

Also, I feel like I need to add: pregnancy isn't the point of trying so hard to have a baby. Pregnancy is simply a means to an end. When you are trying you don't simply want a pregnancy, you want a baby at the end of it.

Pregnancy sucks. Babies however? Are definitely worth it.

calliope said...

well everyone else has already said all the stuff I wanted to say. So I just wanted to chime in with a "SO get you!" moment.
I constantly struggle with this new world of pregnancy and blogging about it- after 3 years of blogging about infertility- is effing hard. I'm glad somebody is doing it and doing it well.
xo

calliope said...

p.s. looks like you need a new header. E-mail me!

Anonymous said...

Jen..you go girl!! I have been reading your blog for about a year now. As a fellow infertile (and newly pg) I am so happy for you!! I understand worrying about your weight, I have always worried about mine. So many people seem to be like....you've gained 9 lbs. what's the big deal?!? Maybe you have only gained 9 lbs, but with your newly expanding belly I am sure it feels like alot more. And who the hell cares what people thing. Bitch all you want...I will still always read.

Anonymous said...

Good for you. You don't have to explain yourself to ANYONE.

Screw the mal-contents.

alicia said...

i find this topic sooooo hard. I didn't complain on my blog for a while cause I knew I had some IF readers. But man I was sick and I was feeling horrible and really my whole life was being shaped by the rotten pregnancy condition I was in. So I evently wrote about, I said I am sorry if I offend you, but I am sick and need to wine and did and still do. But I am liking the way you put it a whole lot better!

My stats have gone down, many readers have left my blog since I got knocked up, thats ok I understand, but you are right. I shouldn't have to appologize for my writting when all I can write about is being sick and being tired and being freakin sick of it!

Argh, turning infertile to pregnant was not easy, I thought it would be, I thought every flippin second of this pregnancy would be amazing, but it has been so hard, and so draining and yes I complain, but I won't change it for the world.

thank you, thats what I am trying to say! You have said it well.

Lisa said...

You deserve to enjoy every single minute of your pregnancy!!! As someone who struggles with infertiltiy on a daily basis, your story gives me so much hope. And I pray that one day I too, will be on the other side of this pain. Now that you are there, please, don't let anyone make you feel bad or guilty. You have earned this baby and deserve to have all the happiness and joy in the world. I hope one day, i will join you.

Tricia said...

AMEN!! I just don't get the theory that because you had infertility, you can't complain at all about any of the side effects of pregnancy! Because, guess what? Sometimes pregnancy sucks. I am only 8 weeks but, here I am sick as a dog with what had probably turned into bronchitis, having a major asthmatic flare up and all I can do is take Tylenol and my inhalers. That SUCKS!!!

Just because you complain doesn't mean you don't appreciate your pregnancy every single moment of every single day. It wouldn't really be fair if every pregnant women had the right to feel a little down and complain-y during their pregnancy, unless of course you were infertile. Then it all has to be rainbows and sunshine.

In the end, I write my blog for me. I understand it can hurt some people because, they are not there yet. That sucks too. There were blogs that I did't read as much when I was still doing the infertile thing. I don't know.. I'm just rambling.

Anonymous said...

As everyone has said, it's your blog and you can do what you wish. But I agree with Laura, you have not made the transition from IF to pregnancy with as much grace as other online bloggers. And knowing you have an IF audience who was rooting for you the whole way, you could have been a bit more sensitive.

Go back and read your own posts about "moron management" Even recently from redbook: "Nobody going through infertility wants to read the woes and jokes of a pregnant lady. I know that. I remember reading some pregnancy things that made me feel all murdery and stabby while I was going through all my treatments." Your anger at Rebbecca Romijin and Jerry O'Connel for their flippancy in the fun of "trying." or "At some point, I had to change myself just to deal with what was happening. I couldn't hold babies, because I couldn't see past the fact that we may never have one. I couldn't smile at a cute toddler, because it was a reminder of how long we had been trying to start our family - since before that toddler was even conceived - and how life was flying by while we were standing still. I couldn't go to a baby shower because I was afraid I would cry, or something equally inappropriate."

Again, you have the right to do what you want on your blog, but your response to anonymous was childish and rude. And it hurts more when its a pregnant IFer who is insensitive, we expect more. We expect you to remember. And today's post, shows that you've left those who supported you on your journey and haven't achieved what you have behind.

Yes, when I was pregnant after I was VERY careful to temper my feelings of great joy and the irritants of pregnancy around my friends who were still on the journey to becoming parents. It's the polite thing to do. It's being a good friend.

Anonymous said...

Since you are reading comments before posting them, there is no need to post mine once you've read it. I really do agree you can do what you want with your blog. I just think your reaction to an IFer's comment, a group who has supported you for a long tme, was made without any consideration for her.

Blue said...

Jen - totally, completely agree with you!
I went through a similar path of infertility, IVF, and finally I'm pregnant, 7 weeks behind you. I've recently lost one of my twins - so yet another difficulty to add to this entire experience.
But throughout all of this (and wherever I've been personally), I've been an avid reader and totally loved your blog.
You should be free to write about how you feel without censorship - everyone knows, or should know, that you are unendingly grateful to be pregnant so you don't have to preface every sentence with it. And whats wrong with acting like a normal pregnant woman (i.e. talking about weight gain etc)? Isn't that what every infertile wants? Going through infertility doesn't take away the right to complain about pregnancy symptoms.....we all suffer enough on this journey (often in silence out in public) so we deserve this outlet.
Finally - if you are into reading blogs, its unrealistic to think that you can always relate to what someone else writes all of the time...thats the beauty of having the freedom to read, not read, or go and try out someone elses blog for a change!
Good for you, I say! (And you do look adorable by the way, I have bump envy :-) !)

Anna said...

Yes, yes, yes of course. You are more than right. Pregancy is a joy and a blessing, but it is also a struggle. Complain away, my friend! I know I will when it's my turn.

BUT. I seem to remember your own rantings about other women's complaints about pregnancy. You even admitted that you couldn't bear to be around pregnant women because of the reminder that "they have something I don't". It wasn't too long ago that you were that commenter. Maybe you didn't call up pregnant women and make them feel bad for the baby growing in their uterus, and maybe that's why this upsets you so much. I don't know; only you do.

I think you have a really unqiue opportunity to encourage and uplift those who are still in the midst of IF....because well, you've been there, done that, and you survived! So be sensitive not because you want to be a people-pleaser, but because you know and appreciate what it's like to be on the other side. You know how incredibly lucky you are.

Peeveme said...

I don't think the commenter was saying you (or others who are pregnant after IF) can't complain.

In my very long experience reading infertility blogs I have found those who get pregnant tend go one of two ways: 1) Those who never look back and experiecne pregancy much like a non-IF-er would. 2) Those who are profoundly and irrevocably moved by the experience of IF and are careful and compassionate to those still in the trenches.

It doesn't mean a pregnant person can't complain or be overjoyed. The issue is more nuanced and complex than that.

I don't read your blog as much since you got pregnant (And i have been reading since you started...way before Redbook) not becasue you are pregnant but becasue the lack of compassion is just a turn off. I'm all about listening to complaints and getting a laugh in at the same time. So I skim the parts I'm not into and laugh my ass off at the rest.

Of course, it's your blog. Post what you want but people have right to their options about what you write.

IDK...this latest post just seems....mean. I'm all for negative, sarcastic...bring it on. Love it. But this just seemed to attack a fellow infertile who made a pretty innocuous observation.

BTW think it's cool that you have posted comments from people who do not agree with you.

battynurse said...

I stumbled across your blog after reading some of the articles you posted on Redbook. I liked them, thought they were funny. I did start reading your blog after you had already become pregnant. I'm an infertile who started a blog before she knew she was an infertile and totally expected it to be a mommy blog. Who knew. I have not ever had a problem with what you've wrote or complained about, mostly because it's done with humor. It's not like your saying "I fucking hate being pregnant and it's ruining my life" You've just got that sort of snarky sense of humor (mine is similar with a bit of darkness thrown in for shits and giggles). All women have some discomfort during pregnancy and virtually all women complain about it somewhere or sometime. I've never seen what you've posted as being over the top, unsensitive to your supporters or anything else. As a chubby girl who probably equals 2 of you I've thought "darn she's so cute with that belly and I'll probably just look fat" but that's my thing not yours. Besides, most women regardless of what they weigh also complain about their weight. Keep blogging what you want. Yes some readers may leave and you may gain new ones. It's just the way it is. Our lives change and we need different things from different people at different times.

Anonymous said...

I was really rooting for you and although I am not IF and have never gone through treatments I am still very aware of how many people have and try to temper my comments in light of their struggles. It's just the mature, tactful thing to do. It's also considerate, especially to people who have been supporting you. As a parent, I hope that you give your child the gifts of patience, tolerance and kindness. After all, courtesy and compassion don't cost a cent.

nonlineargirl said...

It would be weird to just talk about infertility once you are pregnant. Most people start blogs for themselves - if you didn't talk about what was important to you in order to not alienate readers, you might as well not have the blog.