Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Newest Member of the Hair Club for Men...

...is not my right breast.

I think it is important to clear that up. My right breast is not the newest member of the Hair Club for Men.

You are familiar with the club? The whole, "Oh, I was balding and thus greatly unloved, but then I joined the Hair Club for Men, and now I have a comb-over and all these young ladies in bikinis are swimming in this pool with me and also I have a Ferrari. Not only am I a member of the Hair Club for Men, I'm the president."

But. About righty. People are always getting confused about her status with the Hair Club for Men, because I have a real Hair Club for Men-type situation here. Involving my bosom.

My less-than-ample bosom.

Now I know that right now you are all grabbing for your tissues and getting ready to cry on my poor, pathetic, flat chested behalf. Please do not fret. I am a proud card carrying member of the Tiny Titty Committee, and have been since...well, puberty.

I'm not only a member of the TTC*, I'm the president.
If you're finding this whole comparison to be quite the stretch, you are so totally right...

But anyway, I'm kind of a fan of my little ladies. I mean, it's nothing that Victoria can't help with her Secrets, right? I find them to be cute.

Well. I found them to be cute. Until this morning I noticed that there was complete ANARCHY happening on old righty.

Being the president of the TTC, I realized that pregnancy would not make me into a brunette Pamela Anderson (or, Pamela Anderson without a bottle of peroxide and Hep C). I did not expect to be mistaken for the St. Pauli Girl. And so far, I've been completely correct.

The ladies have grown - in fact, they have long since outgrown their holster. But they really are nothing to write home about, and they are still rather small. However, righty seems to have grown enough to have developed some STRETCH MARKS.

Bah! I am prepared for belly stretch marks, since my mom has described her pregnancy marks in a way that makes me think that some sort of wild beast was trying to claw its way out. (That wild beast would be me. You're welcome, mom.) But boob stretch marks? On just one? What.the.devil?

I suspect the under-the-shirt anarchy will continue, since my belly skin has been feeling like my face after a terrible sunburn: tight and itchy.

I should go buy a Ferrari.


*1,000,000 bonus points for everyone who wondered why I was talking about Trying to Conceive, and had to figure out that I was talking about the Tiny Titty Committee.

21 comments:

Laura said...

Very funny.

By 30 weeks I thought I wasn't going to get any stretch marks during my pregnancy, only to walk by a full length mirror (at 32 wks) in the buff and realize the bottom half of my stomach (that I could no longer see) was covered in the battle wounds.

Tiffanie said...

GAH! 2 posts in 2 days! well, well, well! umm, i wish i had something to say about your brewing situation other than mederma.

oh, and you can't trick me w/ the TTC;)

i am however confused as to what the hell the ferrari refernce was about.

and, lets get to some pics please:)

Brenda said...

LOL. Oh dear Lord, I so thought you were going to say that your right boob had a combover. Seriously,I was imagining this nipple peaking out undernlong, evenly spaced hairs that were combed neatly across it!

Jen said...

Dude, I have had boob stretch marks since puberty, as well as ones of my thighs from stretching out taller. Pregnancy totally skipped the belly stretch marks but gave me a nice set on my butt. I look like I've been clawed by a wolverine.

Peach said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Seriously? - Erin said...

My boobs have had stretch marks since puberty. That's right since I was like 13. It is awful. I hate them but I exploded from a training bra to a C like overnight. Now I am worried about the marks on my belly, can't something not be all marked up (I mean I already have scars from surgery on my abdomen, isn't that enough?).

I wanted to tell you of all the people I know IRL who are expecting next year and online, you are the ONLY one having a girl! I am a tiny bit jealous of the cute clothes you get to buy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tricia said...

I am only 13 weeks and I have booby stretch marks. I get some like spokes on a wheel around my nips.. and some all squigly on the bottom-side. If this is my boobs at 13 weeks... Well then, I can't wait to see what is to come. Mine have had a major growth spurt and are quite frightening to me.

My mother had no sympothy and just lifted her shirt and said.. these are from you. Touche Mom!

Sorry your boobs are not cooperating with each other. I hope they don't get worse.

Tricia said...

I am only 13 weeks and I have booby stretch marks. I get some like spokes on a wheel around my nips.. and some all squigly on the bottom-side. If this is my boobs at 13 weeks... Well then, I can't wait to see what is to come. Mine have had a major growth spurt and are quite frightening to me.

My mother had no sympothy and just lifted her shirt and said.. these are from you. Touche Mom!

Sorry your boobs are not cooperating with each other. I hope they don't get worse.

Sarah said...

Oh stretch marks. I didnt have any until I was about 7 months, then all of a sudden i had ONE. ONE little stretch mark on my belly. And I thought, "well...I can deal with one! Thats not bad." and then I woke up the next day..they WERE everywhere. My boobs, my belly. And because I gained a TOOOOON of weight, my thighs as well.

WiseGuy said...

Time to bring in the anti-stretch mark squad...

C said...

I didn't get any on the girls (I am a card-carrying TTC member myself) or my tummy, but I was shocked to one day notice that my butt has stretch mark stripes like a zebra. Lovely.

And speaking of the girls... I *love* their size while I'm nursing. Not too big, no longer too small. I'm thinking of becoming a wet nurse after my son weans, I love them that much. *sigh*

Aunt Becky said...

As a former member of the TTC, who has now transformed into Pamela Anderson, thanks to my first son, I can relate. Thankfully, they fade in time.

alicia said...

oh boo! stretch marks are nooo fun especially on the boobs! I think a ferrari would help.

Annegirrl said...

As VP of the TTC I was ambushed approximately 4 weeks after giving birth to my little bundle of baby joy. I had become complacent and thought I had dodged the stretch mark bullet, but those bastards snuck up on me and camped on the undersides of both boobs. Fargin' bastages!

www.andreacaroljones.com said...

Dude, I feel ya on the stretch makes. I got a map of Michigan on my stomach. When people ask me if I am ever going to wear my belly ring again, I promptly pee myself laughing so hard.

PJ said...

If I can ever manage to get pregnant, I am kind of scared about the whole boob thing. See, I have the complete opposite problem. I don't know where they came from, but I have some gigantic hooters! I simply cannot imagine them getting any bigger.

MamaSoon said...

Haaaaaaaaaa! Thanks for NOT posting a picture.

The Future Mrs. Reynolds said...

Just a thought, go buy some vitamin E oil, and put it in your bath. soak in it, it will help with the ever expanding belly being itchy and tight. Just a little note to make you jealous... after 4, not one stretch mark. ;)

Mrs. Higrens said...

I've got puberty (and perhaps college) stretch marks as well. The weirdest place I have them - the back/underneath part of my arm where it creases into my back.

After seeing what my skin did when it was younger and more supple, I'm afraid of the wreckage thanks to pregnancy at this older age.

Anonymous said...

For the love of God woman, go to the nearest drug store and get some cocoa butter, STAT!! Your skin is stretching, and it needs moisture to retain the collagen and elasticity and prevent claw marks. If you moisturize before you see any stretch marks, hopefully you can prevent them from happening at all. HA! My 7 years of working at Bath and Body Works finally paid off...

KimboSue said...

I also have had boob stretch marks since like....I don't know know - 5th grade. Also when I blossomed from a mere A into a C cup overnight. I am scared beyond all imaginable what the beasts (that is what they are referred to now that they are DD PRE-pregnancy) will look like after having little peanut. A co-worker was a DD pre-pg and went to an H! HOLY HELL I tell you that is what H stands for. Holy Hell!