Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Let me bore you with the inappropriate workings of my subconscious.

You know how there are some things that people say that let you know that you will be in for some serious faking of interest? And you are all, "Oh, my gosh, yes! Enlighten me!" but really you are thinking, "Dear god, how long until lunch? I could really go for a latte right now, or maybe even a Big Mac...I wonder if anyone has a Tic Tac...My butt itches..." while trying to keep eye contact and laugh and say uh huh at all the right places.

Let me give you some examples:

1. Maybe you had to be there, but the funniest thing happened...
2. No offense, but...
3. Oh my gosh, listen to this dream I had last night...

Any three of these things, from the wrong person, can cause much head explodyness. So good luck to you, because:

Oh my gosh, listen to this dream I had last night!
HA!

Last night I had a dream that I was nursing. Which I suppose isn't surprising considering my current state of being seriously, for realsies pregnant. Probably given my discovery that The Ladies make colostrum. They've been doing it for a month now, but now they are really doing it, and it kind of makes The Ladies less about The Sex and more about Feeding The Lady who will be coming directly out of My Lady Business in a mere 6 weeks.

Which is weird.

The dream was probably just normal anxiety about the future, right? Nighttime brain dumping, perhaps.

Except that all this maternal nursing business was between mommy and her 1 year old Shih Tzu, Milo.

Meet Milo: He's one hell of a nurser. And thanks to the groomer, a bit of a cross dresser, but only when the groomer ignores his wiener and balls and sends him home with a pretty pretty bow...



In my dream, Milo was being fussy. So I say to Mark, "give him here." And I pop him right on the tit, where he proceeds to Nurse Like a Human.

Then I woke up and thought two things:
What the fucking fuck?
And,
I really, really need some carbs. Stat.

(Is right now a good time to mention that I originally wrote this post with Meconium, instead of Colostrum?)
(I wrote that my boobs were leaking fetus shit.)
(I didn't catch it until I did my final spell check, after I read, and reread the post multiple times.)
(It is no small wonder that I am trying to nurse dogs in my sleep.)

29 comments:

alison said...

Bahahaha. This made my whole day because I had the nursing dream 2 nights ago. Except it was a combo giant baby/nursing dream. Have you had the giant baby dream yet? The one where you give birth to a 3 year old? I've had it a few times. But this time, she (SHE!) was potty trained and talking and I had her nursing on the boob. All while in the hospital bed. Seriously weird. Seriously

sarah23 said...

Ha! about the meconium vs colostrum distinction. That is funny.

I also started making some colostrum...yippee!! i first noticed it on 12/24/08 which I guess was 36w1d. It doesn't actually leak spontaneously; I had to give myself a little squeeze to notice it. S (hubby) thinks it's neat but it definitely makes him shy away.

I usually do hate when people describe their dreams in detail, but yours was pretty damn funny!

Sarah

Valeta said...

I have VERY similar dreams. And we don't even have a dog. Ive dreamt of nursing strangers babies.

Pregnancy dreams are weird. Heh.

Anabelle said...

Here's another one to freak you out.

My daughter will be three in April. I breastfed for 8 months and then I finally had it and switched to formula.

My boobs... still make colostrum.

the insanity never ends!

Anonymous said...

Had the SAME dream but with my beagle/lab dog...don't ask me what it means, but they same you have some strange dreams while pregnant...

Denise said...

Haha! You're freakin hilarious. I had a dream that I gave birth to puppies at one point during my pregnancy.

L. said...

It's beautiful and natural and all that, but breastfeeding is also kind of really weird. I did it for a year and now when I see someone nursing I still find it kind of weird. But, like all things weird, you get very used to it.

On the other hand, nursing a baby will be a lot less weird than nursing a dog!

JoDee said...

That's so hilarious! I also normally hate hearing other people's dreams (really, who gives?) but that was awesome! Meconium boobies- now that's a nasty mental image! Ha!

Dawn's Recipes / The Baby Blog said...

Okay, I went from, "Hunh, that's pretty weird" to "Holy crap, booby fetus poop!" Hahahaha! Thanks. I just spit my drink at my monitor.

*~*Lis*~* said...

Oh Thank God!!! I thought I was weird or something - I once dreamt that I was nursing my nephew. My 7 year old nephew.

Maybe it's a colostrum thing...

Kara said...

I had a similar dream in which I was nursing a fish. When I told my husband about it, he laughed so hard he photoshopped a picture of it (not with a picture of me, some random internet nursing boob). Yes, we're strange like that.

Stacy Woodruff said...

I think that the dog can be fairly easily explained. Up until this point, Milo has been your "baby." The baby that you will give birth to shortly, you have not seen yet, so your subconscious subbed in the image it has on file of the "baby." Once you have the baby, and know what she looks like, you will probably start nursing her, instead of Milo, in your dreams.

KimboSue said...

Between nursing Milo and then seeing cross-dressing Milo....I just spit all over my monitor!
Very weird PG dreams!

KimboSue said...

Between nursing Milo and then seeing cross-dressing Milo....I just spit all over my monitor!
Very weird PG dreams!

Jaci said...

Meconium boobs--hilarious!

In the hospital, I held my brand new sleeping baby for about 4 hours and talked with visitors. I fed her, I cuddled her, I stared at her...then finally said, "It's been a long time. Should I change her diaper?" (Cause I'm a baby moron.) Sure enough, she had pooped Meconium everywhere, and it was dried to her butt. Who knows how long it had been there? My sister scrubbed it off (because I was too scared) while I cried in my bed cause I only had her a day ago and I already SUCKED as a mother. Ah--memories.

Erika said...

That is absolutely a bizarre dream, but I greatly respect your courage in blogging about it for the whole Internet to behold.

If it makes you feel any better, I once had a nearly identical dream involving my Labrador. I wasn't pregnant, though, which makes mine considerably less reasonable.

emily said...

I'm due in two and a half weeks and I keep getting those two words confused too. Probably because they both sound funny...?

peesticksandstones said...

I've dreamt I was nursing kittens before -- and to this day, I always shudder a bit when I see my cats lick something with their tongues. Come to think of it, once I woke up with one of them kneading my boob. Ouch.

dreamsandfalsealarms said...

Ha ha! I give birth to and nurse my cats all the time! Pretty freaking upon wake up!

alicia said...

LOL! the dream is weird, but I have had some freakin strange ones in my time, so I wouldn't be too concerned about it! the boobs leaking fetus poo, sooo funny! haha, it would have been so great if you published it like that and then some innocent reader paniked in your comments, that OH MY GOD your boobs are soooo not supposed to be leaking that stuff! haha

JenM said...

You think Milo is bad? I had a dream awhile ago that I gave birth to twin Lily's, AND I had to nurse them. I kept saying, "but they have teeth!" and freaking out about it. Even in my dreams, I'm carrying or having twins in every one. Weird.

JenM said...

You think Milo is bad? I had a dream awhile ago that I gave birth to twin Lily's, AND I had to nurse them. I kept saying, "but they have teeth!" and freaking out about it. Even in my dreams, I'm carrying or having twins in every one. Weird.

Tricia said...

OMG... I was just laughing so hard I almost peed a little... That was some dream. Leaking fetus shit... Omg.. laughinng my ass off.

Brenna's Mom said...

I just have to tell you, you seriously make me laugh my ass off.

Lauren.Furrer said...

Pregnancy makes you nucking futs, and it doesn't get much better. My dreams haven't been right since, and my little one is a year old. While pregnant I always dreamed about giving birth to different animals, and having to fake like I loved them so that people wouldn't think I was a bad mom. Now there's a case for Freud.

Red Headed Mama said...

OMG...I'm dying over here. seriously.

I just tried to explain to hubby why I'm laughing...he doesn't get it.

Whatever...oh that Milo!

Dana said...

omg - this is by FAR the funniest thing I've ever read on your blog.
I almost spit Diet Pepsi all over the screen :)

LOVE IT

Dana said...

omg - this is by FAR the funniest thing I've ever read on your blog.
I almost spit Diet Pepsi all over the screen :)

LOVE IT

Katie said...

I realize this post is over three years old, but I am so happy I found it because I had a dream the other night that I was nursing my cat. And I woke up totally freaked out because I must be insane to dream about nursing my pet! Hilarious!