Friday, January 9, 2009

Meteorology? Pfft.

Tomorrow is the day of my second shower, and apparently the weather forecast looks like something predicted by Nostradamus: On the 10th of January in the year of 2009, snow will bury everyone in Northeast Ohio and surely all will perish except those with mullets. (So maybe it won't be so tragic?)

Dear everyone alive: Yes, I heard the weather forecast for the day of my shower. Yes, I am fully aware that it sounds a bit like Armageddon. Thank you for telling me, because I am so completely not stressed out about it, like, at all.

I always get pissed off about the weather forecast. Mostly because the meteorologist on the news channel we watch is just downright frightening looking. Someone you could shrink up and place in your garden as one of those gnomes to scare bunnies away so they don't eat your plants. Or something.

In addition to offending my delicate little eyes, the weather forecast is always wrong when I want it to be right. Like when I really don't want to go somewhere and 10 inches of snow would just be so fab, and I get really excited because the forecast says 10-20 inches of snow? We always end up getting flurries.

Woe. Snow. Blah blah blah. Someone might get stuck with an awful lot of cupcakes, and it won't be me because I have the beetus.

I went to breastfeeding class last night, and saw more huge knockers than I ever wanted to see in my life. Boobs make me really uncomfortable. Probably because I have tiny ones. Every time the guys were at the Bing on the Sopranos, I had to look away because DEAR GOD, THERE ARE BOOBS! BIGGUNS! (Please note that all the cussing, killing, adultery, and violence didn't bother me a bit.)

Luckily, the instructor was not one of those super earthy, tree humping, granola chowing breast milk pushers (although, I did not examine her thighs for bark burn). She went over the benefits, talked about how to cure cracked and sore nipples, and showed a few videos about latching on and positioning. It was informative. I took notes like a gigantic nerd.

The video was a little off-putting. There were these women at the hospital, bearing it ALL for a bunch of people in the room. And yes, yes, I know, I know - I will probably not even notice my public nudity because I will just be ready for the baby and la la la I don't want to hear it because it still freaks me out.

And. So. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
If my blogging abruptly stops, you'll know that I probably got buried naked under 20 feet of snow because I do not have a mullet and was practicing being comfortable showing my Lady Business to rooms full of strangers.

Remember me by eating nachos and Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Maybe light a candle (but not french vanilla, because gag).

18 comments:

~M~ said...

Have fun at your shower! You know that tomorrow is the 10th, not 17th, though, right?

Mandy and Jack said...

Your blog is so funny. You really should move to Dallas if you want better meteorology - 1) It never snows here, and if it does it's a huge and exciting event for which they literally shut the city down, and 2) Our meteorologist is just plain yummy! http://www.unclebarky.com/dfw_files/page5_blog_entry341_3.jpg

Jen said...

Good catch! I have poo leaking from my nipples and no idea what day it is.

alicia said...

boo bad weather! i hate it to, and that is exactly why I am leaving for Mexico on Sunday morning! yay!!

have fun at the shower, I hope you don't get too burried in snow!

Amy said...

Have fun tomorrow! Hopefully the forecast is wrong, b/c they are predicting heavy snow totals for tonight here (Chicago).

Joelle said...

Are you this funny IRL? because you crack me up. I try to write funny and it comes off as...well not so funny.
Have fun at the shower!

Rach said...

I'll send you some LA sunshine and maybe that will help. :)

Chicago Mom said...

It's true. If you BF you will soon loose all boobie-related modesty. Oh and your boobs will get huge when your milk comes in. I don't care how "small" you are now!

Dawn's Recipes / The Baby Blog said...

a) Wow, I did not know that was the lowly garden gnome's true purpose.

b) I am totally with you on the big boobs thing. If they're bigger than mine, please hide them. I do not want to see. If they're smaller, go ahead and show them off so I can laugh at you, Miss Carpenter's Dream.

c) I'm picturing you trying to nurse (don't worry, there are black boxes in place where they need to be) while referencing your notes. "Okay, step one: remove boob from bra. Step two: place baby on boob."

Julia said...

Big boobs freak me out too. I gone up a whole bra size and can't believe their even mine. Same goes with my ass. That's got to be someone elses.

areyoukiddingme said...

Ha ha ha ha ha...just laughing at your modesty. Might as well leave that at home, because they certainly won't let you keep it in labor and delivery. But, you probably haven't even had your first internal OB exam yet, so you're in for some good times. Here's how to practice: Remove all your clothes (maybe you can keep your socks). Put on a sheet. Start exercise by lying flat, lifting up sheet and pressing your heels to your butt (the better to check you with, my dear). Flip sheet up entirely while waving legs in the air (you don't want to practice the knees to chest pushing position in case you actually break something loose). After several hours of that, start dropping top of sheet intermittently, alternating sides. Now you're ready for your hospital stay. If you can reel in strangers off the street to watch, so much the better.

Good luck with the shower - although, if it snows it might be a good thing. You won't have to go and be taunted with cupcakes. But, you'll still get all the presents - because with baby stuff, no one thinks "Oh, I'll just keep this for myself since I didn't make it to the shower."

Wendy said...

You're so funny, Jen. :) I can't believe how far along you are; it seems like it wasn't too long ago when I read your blog and found out that you were pregnant. I'm glad it's all going so well. I'm really happy for you.

Shanny said...

I hope the meteorologist is wrong... just like they are 90% of the time. Have fun at your shower you hilarious woman you!

PJ said...

My husband remembers Dick Goddard and is amazed he is still on the air!

Jeanna said...

Seriously, you crack me up. I hope your shower went off without a blizzard! jp

Erika said...

It would amuse me greatly if your notes ended up saving the day for you breast-feeding wise. I'm also a huge nerd/note-taker and I'm convinced they'll pull me out of a jam someday...

Jill said...

Jen-Hope your shower wasn't ruined! You're so funny as usual. I think those videos are a little disturbing too. Hmm...Dairy Queen ice cream cake sounds delicious...

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