Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Next pregnancy will be Jimmy Dean's love child.

Dear Jimmy Dean,

I have a confession to make: Sausage is not my thing. Sure, I'll enjoy the occasional pork dish - bacon! and pork chops! oh my! But sausage does nothing for me. (I am trying really hard right here not to make a sex joke. You know, so that you will take me seriously.)

It's not your fault, Jimmy. Whenever I eat sausage, I burp it all day long. Which is disgusting, right? I know that you don't care, I know that. But I'm just saying, this is why I had never purchased any of your delicious (or so I hear) sausage.

And while we're being honest, Jimmmy? I also hate your logo. Just between us: I do live in Ohio, and so I'm sure that most people will assume that I am a bit of a hilljack, but I have a very strong dislike of cowboy boots. And other things country. If people are into that then I think that is fantastic, but I am not, so I'm sad to report that I am a little turned off by the cowboy boot portion of your logo.

Anyway! I'm not writing to tell you how much I hate you! No! I'm writing to tell you that I think that I might be falling in love with you and to see if you want to get married. You know, in case I ever get a divorce...or maybe just make out? I'm good at making out.

First of all, the sun commercials complete me. I know you probably hired some sort of fancy marketing company to create that for you, but I'm sure that you, being Jimmy Dean, were in charge of making the final decision to make the sun your new commercial logo of choice.



That shit cracks me up every single time.

Whoever reads your letters is probably getting really bored with my rambling. But at least they will be earning their paycheck, right? HA!

So anyway, I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I have gestational diabetes. Or, as you may better know it via Wilford Brimley/Liberty Mutual/Google Images: The Diabeetus.



Since I have The Diabeetus, I can't really eat carbs. And really, how many hunks of colby cheese can a girl eat, right? It's hard Jimmy. It's hard to find things that fit my gestational diabetes diet and also taste delicious enough to satisfy my giant pregnancy hunger.

But then I found you! You and your cowboy boot logo bearing microwave four cheese omelets and OH MY GOD! I feel like we're close enough that I can tell you that I really needed a moment alone after eating the first one. It was THAT GOOD. And hardly any carbs! You little devil, you.

So what I'm writing to tell you is that I think I love you. Or, I think I am very much sexually attracted to that handsome cook who wears the cowboy boots in your logo. If you are looking for someone to have little cowboy boot, pig slaughtering, omelet making offspring? I'm in.

Giddy Up!
Jennepper

25 comments:

Cryss said...

REALLY?!?! I believe I will be laughing all day over this one...
Your hilarious Jen!! Can't wait to see you saturday!!

Callie said...

Oh thank goodness! When I first started reading your post, I thought to myself, she's going to ding the Jimmy Dean Sun Dude, and then we can't be Netty Friends anymore...and then I read further and was so thankful to see we are of one mind. Despite the fact that I spent a previous career in marketing and spent countless never-to-get-back meetings in ad meetings, I rarely remember a commercial...but JDSD always makes me pause and chuckle. I have been known to adopt the same beleagured tone as JDSD when he says "because I have to get up early to light the world" with my husband from time to time...

In all seriousness though, I love reading your blog and am very excited for Cupcake's arrival.

Monica said...

I laughed so hard I cried at your post!! Loved it!

Seriously? - Erin said...

I do love those commercials. I like the rainbow one the best.

I was just looking at your ticker and it says 19 days, which is to full term right? Does it freak you out at all especially knowing they want to induce before that?

Oh boy baby soon!

Jen said...

Erin - 19 days until 40 weeks. 37 weeks is full term, so I am considered full term now. Am still not all that thrilled with the prospect of induction but have decided to plug my ears and yell LALALALALA until they bring it up again.

calliope said...

I am just wildly impressed that you didn't pepper your love letter with X rated sausage lovin'.
heh

Minta said...

I am now completely unable to say diabetes. I can type it, but it come out "The Diabeetus."

Hope you're enjoying your maternity leave, and endless nesting, so far!

alison said...

Thanks for taking one for the team by having The Diabeetus - I mean there's probably some percentage of us who have to have it and I can tell you right now that I would fail miserably if I had to attempt to follow any type of "diet" at this point. So thank you, I appreciate it. I will buy some extra sausage this weekend in your honor.

Mandy and Jack said...

Oh my gosh, that was so funny. Please tell me you're ACTUALLY sending that to Jimmy Dean.

Wendy said...

Oh how I love the JD omelets! The cheese ones are the best. Like breakfasty heaven!! Jen - your blog is hilarious. I'm dealing with fertility issues (have lost two pregnancies already) and usually lose interest when a infertility blog turns into a preggo blog, but I have stayed with yours because it's so funny. Can't wait to hear about your adventures with a brand new baby!

KandiB said...

I'm afraid to say it, but Costc.Ho has the JD breakfast sammies. Get a little morning delight, EVERY morning.

Grace said...

Sausage,egg and cheese anything in a JD. Never thought I would like them until the economy took a hit and I couldn't go to MCD's even once a week and justify all that money for something so cheap. Love ya, JD! Thanks Jen for singing its praises!

alicia said...

LOL!! haha, I may just have to try one of those now, after all this turning me on with omlete talk.

alicia said...

LOL!! haha, I may just have to try one of those now, after all this turning me on with omlete talk.

Kaitlyn said...

You've made me giggle. In a public library. I ♥ that sausage. Now I want an omlette.

Erika said...

I remember my ill-fated dalliance with Atkins, and that all-consuming drive to find something tasty and satisfying but not carb-y. I'm glad you've found Jimmy, and that he can satisfy where so many have fallen short.

MamaSoon said...

You are so funny. I am not hungry. Hee hee.

angie said...

i know what you mean about the sun commercials. You are absolutely hilarious!

Minta said...

OK, Wilford was just on TV hawking diabeetus testing supplies for Liberty Mutual, and I could not stop laughing. The dogs are looking at me like I'm crazy! Maybe they're onto something :)

SomewhereOverTheRainbow said...

Hey Jen! First of all, love your blog and check all the time! You always put a bright spot to my day! But anyway, I am sure that you are already a million steps ahead of me, but in case you didnt know (and wanted to...) your formal redbook co-blogger JJ had her son Oliver Miles!

Sarah said...

Hahahahahaha! You are hilarious!

JuLi-ElLe said...

Uhm, I happen to know that you've been home baking cupcake for a few more weeks. You might be busy washing her clothes for the 6th time, or arranging them by color (dark pink, lighter pink, lightest pink) for the 5th time, or maybe you've been buried under a huge mountain of baby socks or you have eaten more jimmy dean omelets then you were supposed to and you've exploded into a huge four cheese and egg mess all over cupcakes room and now you are cleaning it up. Whatever the case, we think you should be focusing on more important things, like our laughter. We are going to have to ask you to put down the fuzzy sock and slowly step away from the eggs. Now if you don't mind, sit down at the computer and type something funny for us to laugh at. After all, it's been 4 days since your last post and I'm having withdrawls. Not to mention you are making us all worried that your water broke or you went into labor early and nobody knows!!!! So even if it's not funny, maybe just something to say "Hey, I'm still smuggling dingo bait", just to put our minds at ease. Thanks for your cooperation on this matter and we hope to be hearing from you soon =)

Lots of love! --Elle

PJ said...

OK NOW I understand the status update!

And yep, "a humdinger"!

Sexually attracted to the cowboy! ahaha!

Hmmm... I might have to try those omelets now.

Elle Charlie said...

Hilarious! I love the sun commercials too :)

Princess LadyBug said...

OMG! Those commercials crack me up every single time. And I love there food too. :)