You're about to be replaced!
After last week's post, We did end up getting a prescription for Pepcid on Wednesday. I did not have to shove the bottle of Maalox up the pediatrician's ass. It was really a win-win situation.
I wish that was the end of this ridiculous melodrama. But no. Pepcid didn't do anything. Unless you count the hunger strike it caused, or the additional two copays to the sadist pediatrician.
Since Olivia didn't lose any weight from her babyrexia, the ped decided to give us a prescription for Zantac.
What's that you say? Why Zantac, when it does the same exact fucking thing as Pepcid?
Well, why not? I enjoy dicking around with the general satisfaction level of my newborn. It is funny to make her cry, because she looks EXACTLY like her mother when she does so. Like here, in a photo that I like to call "Mom, this hat is ghey":
Alternate title: Easter Blows.
Olivia absolutely refuses to swallow her Zantac. Not even when I blow in her face. Or when I hold her head up so that gravity is on my side. Not even when I do teeny tiny squirts. She holds it all in her mouth and spits it all over her pajamas.
Good news: her pajamas are reflux free.
If you would like to know what baby Zantac tastes like, follow these simple instructions:
1. Go to your bathroom cabinet.
2. Remove the crusty old tub of Vicks Vapo Rub that you've had for 3 years.
3. Scoop out a large glob.
4. Open your mouth.
5. Place entire glob on tongue.
6. Swish around.
I know from experience. Because after Olivia spit out every single dose of Zantac that I gave her, I tasted it just to see what all the fuss was about. And to tell you the truth, I can see why she is pissed off because I only licked the dropper and OH MY GOD I TOTALLY GAGGED.
Reflux: likes our house, plans to stay.
My daughter: the new mister yuck.
(I plan to lobby for a hot pink sticker instead of green.)
I'm going to call tomorrow and see what else they want to do to prolong Olivia's suffering. Perhaps we can hang her by her toenails? Or maybe we could tickle her nose with a feather so that she sneezes all the time? I think we should just pinch her really hard so that she forgets about the acid burning her throat.
In the interim, I'm trying to get creative about all this reflux bullshit.
The carseat formerly known as A Sleep Miracle? Not so much. It seems like it is bothering her to have her legs crunched up.
I read that propping her at a 30% angle would help. So I basically had to bust out some serious motherfucking math. Which sucks, because I almost got a D in geometry, and I think the only reason I got a C was because the teacher felt sorry for me for being so morose.
But I figured it all out by drawing a picture of a 90 degree angle, then splitting it into three, then translating it into the carseat jimmy rig. I looked in my desk for a protractor, but it turns out that I'm not a nerd and don't have one.
It's sort of working. We've got a growth spurt on our side - she has been sleeping nonstop for three days.
Olivia is 7 weeks old today! She's so alert when she decides to stay awake. We've gotten a few smiles that seem real (as opposed to fartsmiles), but they are on her terms. I haven't figured out how to really make her smile. She likes her swing now, and still despises her bouncy seat. Baths are a little piece of heaven; tummy time is a hunk of hell.
BUMBO: forcing children to meet their milestones months in advance.
Eat, poop, or cry? Eat, poop, or cry?
OOOOOHHHHH! Mah hands!
I go back to work in two weeks. Just typing that gives me a stomach ache. It was so much easier to think about leaving her with someone I don't know when she was just an alien in my stomach. Now that I know her, I can't fathom how someone could care for her the way she needs.