Well, not my first period, like, ever.
Just my first period since my vagina went from being an area of little acclaim to A PORTAL TO LIFE.
Granted, it came very unceremoniously. Nobody took me to the tampon and pad aisle to pick anything out, and I wasn't subjected to a pregnancy/STD/God Will Hate You If You Have Premarital Sex talk.
I did, however, have a talk with my gynecologist about my plans for birth control, because I'm not sure if you heard? But you are just so damned fertile after having a baby!
Which, HA HA. That is hilarious. She should blog.
The other thing that happened at my postpartum appointment: I am cleared for S-E-X with my H-U-S-B-A-N-D. Which is S-C-A-R-Y because of the second degree T-E-A-R that I had even though I had a 5 pound peanut baby.
(I feel the need to spell things out because our moms read my blog, and I don't want them to think that we actually do it. Because we don't. Do it. The baby came from science. Stop thinking about us doing it.)
When I had my exam, it hurt. Which sucks because it was a one finger job, and being cleared for S-E-X is pretty useless when a finger hurts and your husband's P-E-E-P is definitely B-I-G-G-E-R than a finger. And the last thing I want to do is to try to have S-E-X and have it end up like a scene out of The Shining.
(REDRUM is not sexy)
Hey! Speaking of blood! Olivia has more of it in her diaper. This is, as you can imagine, fucking fantastic. The pediatrican upped her dose of Zantac, which...psh. Whatever. And also gave me test strips to use for three days to see if she has blood in her stool for three days. Which is pointless, because you can SEE the blood.
But still, I am scraping poop from her diaper onto a stick and putting it on these test strips because FUTILITY: IT COMPLETES ME.
I have already scheduled an appointment with a pediatric gastroenterologist, but can't get in until May 1. Which is awesome when your baybee has reflux, milk protein allergy, bloody stool even on Alimentum, ridiculous gas, and lots of grunting.
The very nice lady who answered the phone at the gastroenterologist office told me that if I had my pediatrician call, they would get her in earlier. So I'm waiting for that to all go down.
If it doesn't, then I'm going to have to bust out the raging demanding bitch mode. Which probably makes for better blog material! And who am I trying to fool? I love using raging bitch mode, especially when I have such a justifiable excuse!
One and a half weeks until I go back to work.
Three weeks ago, I was so relieved that this would all be taken care of before my return.
Which, HA HA. I am hilarious. Good thing I blog.