Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My First Period

Well, not my first period, like, ever.
Just my first period since my vagina went from being an area of little acclaim to A PORTAL TO LIFE.

Granted, it came very unceremoniously. Nobody took me to the tampon and pad aisle to pick anything out, and I wasn't subjected to a pregnancy/STD/God Will Hate You If You Have Premarital Sex talk.

I did, however, have a talk with my gynecologist about my plans for birth control, because I'm not sure if you heard? But you are just so damned fertile after having a baby!

Which, HA HA. That is hilarious. She should blog.

The other thing that happened at my postpartum appointment: I am cleared for S-E-X with my H-U-S-B-A-N-D. Which is S-C-A-R-Y because of the second degree T-E-A-R that I had even though I had a 5 pound peanut baby.

(I feel the need to spell things out because our moms read my blog, and I don't want them to think that we actually do it. Because we don't. Do it. The baby came from science. Stop thinking about us doing it.)

When I had my exam, it hurt. Which sucks because it was a one finger job, and being cleared for S-E-X is pretty useless when a finger hurts and your husband's P-E-E-P is definitely B-I-G-G-E-R than a finger. And the last thing I want to do is to try to have S-E-X and have it end up like a scene out of The Shining.

(REDRUM is not sexy)


Hey! Speaking of blood! Olivia has more of it in her diaper. This is, as you can imagine, fucking fantastic. The pediatrican upped her dose of Zantac, which...psh. Whatever. And also gave me test strips to use for three days to see if she has blood in her stool for three days. Which is pointless, because you can SEE the blood.

But still, I am scraping poop from her diaper onto a stick and putting it on these test strips because FUTILITY: IT COMPLETES ME.

I have already scheduled an appointment with a pediatric gastroenterologist, but can't get in until May 1. Which is awesome when your baybee has reflux, milk protein allergy, bloody stool even on Alimentum, ridiculous gas, and lots of grunting.

The very nice lady who answered the phone at the gastroenterologist office told me that if I had my pediatrician call, they would get her in earlier. So I'm waiting for that to all go down.

If it doesn't, then I'm going to have to bust out the raging demanding bitch mode. Which probably makes for better blog material! And who am I trying to fool? I love using raging bitch mode, especially when I have such a justifiable excuse!

One and a half weeks until I go back to work.
Three weeks ago, I was so relieved that this would all be taken care of before my return.
Which, HA HA. I am hilarious. Good thing I blog.

26 comments:

CJ said...

Oh no! That sounds truly awful. Your poor little sweetheart, and poor mommy and daddy. I hope you can get in sooner and talk to a doc with half a clue.

battynurse said...

Ok so I'm just guessing here and may be totally wrong and even if right you still she push for that appointment and all, but if it's not a large amount of blood and or if it's more like a bright red on the surface of the poo and not like mixed in (yeah to much info) it could be that she has a small fissure right inside the anus that maybe bleeds a bit? Just a thought. I've seen it before on babies. Hope you get in much sooner than May 1st.

hopeful #1 said...

Well, I have to say that I can't believe you are cleared to have S-E-X when just a finger hurts... ough!

Jen said...

battynurse - you very well may be right! She did have an anal fissure when she was about 2 weeks old. But we could see the fissure, and the blood was streaky and on the surface. This blood is kind of in chunks and all mixed in.

(And, you know, nothing is TMI for me!)

Mrs. Higrens said...

Definitely time to go smack-down on the pediatrician. Sadist.

Seriously? - Erin said...

That stinks. I hope you and Olivia get in faster. We already had a similar issue with the pedi-urologist, I finally got in sooner (Colin inherited a congenital urinary tract issue from me).

Are you excited to go back to work or dreading it? I won't be going back just yet but I have mixed feelings about it...

L. said...

I hope you get to see the doc soon! Bitch mode is totally merited. Whatever it takes.

The six week clearance for S-E-X was pretty much a joke for me (I had a 2nd degree tear too). I definitely didn't bust out with the S-E-X anywhere near the all-clear date. I think it was more like 3 months. Our OB practice is very cool and one of them told me, it'll take about a year for things to feel normal again. And that was about right. It took, I dunno, six or eight months to really stop hurting. It's very different for different people, but just wanted to say it's normal to wait and/or for things to feel not right for a while.

catherineshops said...

I'm usually strictly a lurker but your vagina as a portal of life has me choking on my mentos. That is awesome! (I hope Olivia feels better soon.)

Jen said...

All I have to say is yeah, it hurt. But not that bad and it got better.

Poor Olivia. Tell her doctors to fix her up immediately or I will come after them.

Parsing Nonsense said...

Poor Olivia! So sorry to hear that she's still not feeling well, that must be so frustrating.

Glad to hear you're all cleared for fun things, good luck trying to figure that out though. That's the one part of having a baby that terrifies me. I suppose everyone has to figure it out eventually, huh?

One of these days you'll have to post your birth story...

uncomplicateme said...

Ugh, poor litle munchkin. Hopefully you can get in to the specialist sooner than May.

Good luck to you with the s-e-x too. :) I go to the magic doctor next week and I'm excited and nervous to be cleared for it as well. Somehow I had a 2nd degree tear AND an episiotomy. Not so much sure how I got so lucky for both. Yikes.

Callie said...

Only you could make a gyno exam and blood in places it's not supposed to be (although is it really supposed to be anywhere apart from our veins...?) downright hilarious!

On a serious note, I'm sorry to hear Olivia is still having such a tough time of it. She's lucky she has you on her side!

Chicago Mom said...

If it hurts at least it won't be like "throwing a hot dog down a hallway". That's my lame fear for vaginal birth.

I feel so bad for you. You probably feel sort of powerless right now to help Olivia. My brother had the same thing and he ended up on goat's milk. I know that sounds awful but it was like a miracle for his stomach. Just thought I'd share.

Ezza said...

On birthcontrol... I vote heartily for Mirena. My kiddo is about to turn three, and I LOVE it. Not that I actually have s-e-x anymore since I'm divorced, but it's nice knowing it's there. The first two years, my period was markedly lighter than it used to be, and now I only get one every few months. I haven't had to buy pads/tampons for years: simply a liner sufficed!

Mel said...

Ah, man, poor Olivia. That really sucks... I sure hope than can get her in sooner.

Sex? What is that? I thought it stopped all together once one had a baby.

Jaci said...

I remember being afraid of S-E-X, but not as much as being afraid of the first P-O-O-P. *shudder*

Drink 3 glasses of wine--straight. Then maybe if you just relax....

HA! Sorry, I couldn't resist. :)

Lyndsay said...

We had the same bleeding issues with Kate when she was a newborn. It was so frustrating and ketp getting worse without a lot of help from our Ped (or the second Ped we switched to). How long has she been on Alimentum? It took Kate about 4 weeks to clear up symptom-wise after getting on Alimentum. I guess the milk proteins can linger.

Hang in there mama! I remember those stool sample tests so well - sigh!

evolwhisper said...

Suggestion for the S-E-X, L-U-B-E. It helps immensely, but of course you have to be ready. Being scared about how much it's going to hurt, probably not helping in the being ready department. You should wait for your body to tell you it's ready. Which could be 2027, I'm just saying.

Impulsive Addict said...

You are crackin' me up over here! I think I might be in like with your blog.

I have NO advice. I haven't had to use my birthing canal yet.

Veronica said...

(((hugs)))

Kristin said...

Jen,

That is so jacked up. Oliva, the little princess needs help and they expect you to wait? WTF? You can always offer to come in and wait in the office to see if an opening "magically happens". With all the screaming they will be happy to get you in and out so fast. Just a suggestion!

As for sex, oh please, that area has seen enough action you would think it was opening day at Rigley Field! I asked my doc how many stitches I was getting, she patted my on my knee and said, "It's best you don't ask sweetie". My daughter came out so fast she removed the hymen and tore me all the way up to my clitoris. Needless to say I didn't get my grove back till about 9.5 months later...it came back so well I got pregnant w/my son. So please god use birth control!!!! I loves me IUD now.

I will talk to my very good friend who is a WIC nutritionist and see what she suggests for Princess. They know so much more than doctors.

Many hugs sweetie,
Kristin

Anonymous said...

At my six week appt the dr asked if we had had sex yet. I had 4th degree tearing (yes as in "hey were going to put you under now because even though you had a 6lb baby he came out still in the fetal position and it's going to take us an hour or so do stitch you back up and it's going to hurt like a bitch"). I looked at him and told him to ask me again in 6 years instead of 6 weeks.

alicia said...

redrum sex, haha too funny, can't stop laughing!

sorry your bits are still painful, oh god tearing scares me!

poor little baby girl! I hope your ped gets things going and you get a appointment sooner!

Anne said...

Check out infantreflux.org. Might be a good resource for you.

Mrs. Hammer said...

I'm sorry to hear that the Alimentum did not help. I definitely think you need to get in to see the gastro pedi as soon as possible. I had posted before the formula trial information in another comment (I am the pediatric dietitian). My experience has been that general Peds MD's are good for the basics but the reality is that they actually know very little about formula and formula tolerance. Bring out the mama bear in you and get her to a specialist; whatever you have to do. It's ridiculous if you can SEE blood in her stools but they are still making you test it. Especially since it CAME BACK which would clearly indicate that Alimentum is not the answer. When a hypoallergenic, lactose free formula is still causing that much trouble it should equal an instant referral.

Sandy said...

I love your blog and have been lurking for a long time (actually, I sent you an email a long time ago--big nerd that I am). My son was born Feb. 13 and it's been great reading your posts to compare experiences. I have had a hellish time breastfeeding and am ready to give it up, AND I just got my period too, which you are not supposed to get while breastfeeding (so much for THAT benefit). Anyway, you make me laugh.