Monday, May 18, 2009

Dear 21 Year Old Metabolism,

I never appreciated you.

You were so kind. You always kept right on moving. Even when I drank alcohol 6 days a week sophomore year in college. And when I went to Taco Bell or Perkins for the Fourthmeal after the bar closed.

No, I never appreciated you. Not even when I was zipping up my teeny tiny Abercrombie jeans and cursing you for making me "fat."

It is really true that you never appreciate what you've got until it's gone.

A couple weeks ago, I was joking with a coworker about how I spend half of my day walking back and forth from the copier. And he said, "that's good - it will help you lose those couple extra pounds."

And I was all: seriously? And he was all: seriously.

Last week, I was wearing shorts and sitting cross legged on the floor while nibbling on Olivia's feet. And I got totally confused, because who put egg cartons on my legs? And why?

Then I realized. Cellulite. Like, scary cellulite. Like, will not be able to wear shorts in public places for fear of scaring small children.

Yesterday, I accidentally made a phone call with my thighs. They are evolving into a totally independent life form, capable of making phone calls and imitating thunder. God forbid I wear corduroys for fear of starting some unstoppable forest fire.

There is nothing like 29 year old post pregnancy metabolism to make a girl wax nostalgic over you, dear, sweet 21 year old metabolism. I find it hard to believe that I would still have such a problem with my Pizza Hut midsection if you were still around.

I sincerely miss you. Because hearing, "You look great," and "You look great...for just having a baby" are not on the same level of flattering, if you know what I mean.

Please, please come back. And bring your friends: 21 year old energy and 21 year old natural muscle tone. We could have so much fun together, eating whatever we want and just generally being smug.

I love you. I miss you. You have the nicest hair.

All My Heart,
Jennepper

23 comments:

Sandy said...

Oh, Jen, you think a 29-year-old metabolism is bad, wait, just wait. I dream about my 29-year-old metabolism. Try out a 38-year-old metabolism. Ha ha! I know what you mean about the "you look great for just having had a baby..." comment. Sigh.

Parsing Nonsense said...

Aw shucks, even when I was 21 I never had that kind of metabolism. Dang.

Also, your observation about wearing corduroys and starting forest fires made me laugh out loud while on the phone with a customer. You made me sound jolly.

Stacy Woodruff said...

Yeah, I'm thinking back, and 21 year old metabolism wasn't all that great for me. I have to go back a little further, like around 13-14 year old metabolism to have many happy memories, and even then, it wasn't all that great compared to all my friends. I'm 25 now, maybe it will work the other way around and 30 will be better... one can dream, right?

Linds said...

Yes...the comment...for just having had a baby...otherwise you would what look like shit??? I am getting this constantly, my boy was born about a week before your lil girl. When I hear that disclaimer of for just having had a baby, I have to push back the tears. I gained 30lbs and still have about 8 to drop so I guess it isn't so bad.

Erin said...

I wrote a letter to my long lost pal too, 21 year old boobies. She's lost her perkiness and can no longer fit into anything made by Victoria Secret.
And Oh My Gah, would the ass fat give me a break already?! I seriously think I'm gaining weight here eating my damn rice cakes. And who has time to exercise? I have mouths to feed and butts to wipe! Now I know why women get lipo.

alicia said...

haha!!! i hope she listens and comes back!

Sarah said...

Oh man, I hear ya lady! I wish I had my 19 year old stomach back. I used to call it fat or ugly...now, I'd probably sell a boob to have it back.

Metabolism....what on earth is THAT!?

Steph said...

This is so true and hilarious! I am sick of hearing the "don't worry, you just had a baby, everyone understands" about my fat. You always make me laugh out loud, thanks!! You are the cutest mom ever by the way, you have one lucky little girl!

andrea said...

i realy want my 18 year old metabolism...
maybe they will come back together!

areyoukiddingme said...

Ha! In ten years, you'll be wishing for your 29 year old metabolism...or any at all, for that matter. Life is conspiring against you (and me, and apparently everyone, but women especially).

*~*Lis*~* said...

Can I plagiarize this and send it to my own 21 year old metabolism?
I still hear "you look great - for just having twins". Thanks and all, but they are a year and a half now - I didn't just have them so the sentiment isn't the same.

Sunny said...

Do you mind if I borrow this letter to send to my 21 year old metabolism?

Lauren.Furrer said...

21 year old metabolism, stomach, butt, boobs, skin, optimism, and general state of well being and rightness with the world...come back!

Cort said...

Between the ages 19 and 22, I had sixpack abs while eating pretty much whatever I wanted and drinking almost every night. I also never got hungover.

Now? Ha! If I look at food I gain five pounds. My abs (well, before being pregnant anyway) were nowhere near a sixpack, I don't care what my husband says. He just wants sex, so he'll say whatever he can. LOL.

If you find your 21-year-old metabolism, please have it go look for mine and bring it back.

SmartAssMom said...

I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one that has developed postpartum cellulite.

Between this and leaking pee on occasion, I'm starting to think there is A LOT people don't tell you about childbirth.

Annegirrl said...

This 35 year old metabolism post baby (ok, 17 months post, but still post) body made the zipper of her pants fly open crouching down to hug the toddler waddling toward her yesterday in the front yard.

Didn't notice the broken fly until 45 minutes, 2 neighbor conversations, and one dinner feeding later. Hi, I'm your cool new neighbor and these are my underpants.

Kara said...

How about this one, "You look good again."
Ouch, I must look like shit when I'm pregnant. I knew it, but hearing it just drives that knife right in.
I'd like to send this to my 21 year old metabolism too. And I'd like to cc my 21 year old tight, glowing skin as well.

Sweetart32 said...

29 here to and can so relate. Can't even say it's from the baby...she's 17 months now. I have a picture on my dresser of me with friends on spring break when I was 21. I look at it and want to cry. My mother found a pic of me and my DH from when we were 20-21. He said Damn my wife was hot. *was* being the operative word. And to think I thought I was fat with the itt bitty belly I had. Hell, I'm wearing maternity pants today as they're comfortable.

Aunt Becky said...

I've had 2 kids in 2 years and my metabolism? Is laughing. Laughing it's way to the cupcakes.

Fuck, man.

PJ said...

I know this is profound and all but.... Ah Yep.

battynurse said...

Your posts are so funny. I never seemed to have a 21 year old metabolism, not even when I was 21.

B said...

You are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

See, I kind of get the impression my 21 year old metabolism is laughing at my fat. I think, beings it was my metabolism, it's pretty snarky and thus enjoying my new found fatness (post baby).