This question was left in my comments:
“I was wondering if you would be willing to share your thoughts on infertility now that you have had a baby? Do you feel that it has erased the bad feelings associated with the last few years of TTC? When do you think you will try again for #2? Will you go back to the RE right away or try on your own for a while?”
I’m always scared to write about infertility now.
While I was pregnant, I wrote about weight gain anxiety, and was summarily ripped a shiny new gaping asshole.
And maybe you’re thinking that I exaggerate.
I moderated two comments, and also got a handful of HATEFUL emails. Calling me a train wreck, narcissistic. Calling me pathetic.
All of those things are somewhat true, but hey! I don’t need to hear it from people because I already know. I was accused of being a piss poor infertile for talking about…pregnancy? I guess?
(I do fully realize that I am a narcissistic pathetic train wreck, but at least be accurate. I mean, I like Britney Spears and watch The Hills. And I have a blog, for the love of the sweet baby jesus.)
So what I’m taking way too long to say is this: I am going to answer these questions. And you are welcome to disagree with me. Welcome, I say! But if you plan to disagree with me via Blogger comment, then do so respectfully. Don’t hide under the cloak of anonymity and attack me personally, because you are only making yourself look stupid and I will reject it anyway. I already know that you think I am lame and that my ass looks fat in these pants….
(…and all pants, if we’re being totally honest, because I have developed a very serious case of shovel butt.)
(Like someone smacked me in the ass with a huge shovel?)
(Flat and smooshy.)
Do you want to know what I think about infertility? I think it is unfair. I think it sucks. I think that people are so ignorant about infertility that it makes me wish that I could breathe fire. I am tired of the only public examples being Jon and Kate Gosselin and Nadya Suleman. And Michael Jackson.
I think that I need to calm down, because my bitterness is showing in the most unflattering Tara- Reid-Boob-Exposure kind of way.
No. Having a baby hasn’t erased all my bitterness toward the overtly fertile. Dulled it? Perhaps. But I still have inappropriate reactions to unplanned pregnancies. I cannot be the person who will feel bad for you or agonize with you when you are not using birth control and are SHOCKED! when you have sex and * gasp * get pregnant.
I cannot be the person who feels bad for you because you have been trying to get pregnant for three months and it is upsetting you.
I have a bit of a hierarchy of happiness, if you will, when it comes to being able to relate to people who are trying to get pregnant. Kind of like a second grade math type of thing…
Trying to get pregnant for 3 months
is less than…
Having to do a cycle of Clomid,
which is less than…
Clomid with IUI,
which is less than…
IUI with injectibles,
which is less than…
Which is less than…
I have a strange, stalkeresque feeling of instant friendship with anyone who has done IVF. Like, I feel the need to instantly overshare about my vagina and Mark’s sperm. More than I feel the need to overshare about that on a regular basis, anyway.
We do want to have another baby. At least one, I think. We’ve got 11 frozen babies waiting for us at the Cleveland Clinic – I wave to them when I go to the mall next door to the Clinic. “Hellewwww ice baybees! Mommy needs some new shoes!”
I’m pretty sure I’ll never do another fresh IVF. If these frozens don’t work, then I’m done with the drugs and the stirrups and the vag cam. That entire experience was hard on me, and I’m enjoying it’s fading from my memory too much to want to bring it back.
I’m way too busy trying to (unsuccessfully) bring sexy back, anyway.
I don’t know that we will ever “try on our own.” When I decide it’s time to try again, I’ll go to the Clinic and have them load me up. We will not be using birth control, though.
But if one more person tells me just how fertile I am right now, my head will probably explode because seriously. My giving birth has nothing to do with the state of the sperm.
What do you guys think? If you have been through infertility, how would you answer those questions?