Five years ago, when I was young and incredibly smug, I fell madly in love. With my husband.
Alright, so I wouldn't say that we fell madly in love. Mark and Me? We aren't really the fall in love madly types. It was more like, "Oh, there you are! I've been looking all over for you!" It was all just very...easy. It was a perfect fit and really didn't require any effort. It's still kind of like that for us.
At the time, I was working as a banker (read: bank sales slave), and I hated it. I think that it takes a crazy person to enjoy working in sales. And while I am crazy, I am not that particular flavor of crazy. So I was applying for jobs and having all kinds of luck.
Somehow I had two job offers at the exact same time. That does not mean that I am awesome, that just means that I have a generic business degree and am qualified for a slew of entry-level jobs.
But. Two job offers all the same. One paid more than the other, but I just had a gut feeling about the latter. So I took the job with a lesser salary because it felt like a better fit.
Five years later, I'm still with that company. And while my self-indulgent, irresponsible 24 year old self would have never guessed that her gut would lead her in a direction that was SO RIGHT? My 29 year old, jaded, more grown up yet still feeling like a kid self is glad that she made the right decision.
It never occurred to me back then to check my insurance for an infertility rider - nor did I know such a thing even existed, because hello?! That would never apply to me anyway. Yet, luck would have it that I took this job at a company that is forward-thinking enough to purchase an infertility/IVF rider in a state that does not mandate such coverage.
Total dumb luck.
I was thinking about this during an hour-long car ride. Just me and a sweet, sleeping Livi. On our way home from breakfast and shopping with a friend, during which Olivia was sweet and charming and all heart melty. All the events that had to line up for her to be here - it's amazing.
It seems strange that I'm old enough now to start seeing how my life decisions have caused a chain of events that define the way things are for us now.
What's weird is that I still feel like a "kid." My house, my mortgage, my job, my baybee, all of my responsibilities - it all just feels like I'm living a life of someone much older. When I see old high school acquaintences on Facebook, I automatically think: Wow! He/she is married, and has kids, has an awesome job. Like those people are frozen in my mind as immature kids who flung pudding at cars or skipped class to go to the Hot Dog Shop.
Like my accomplishments are amazing feats: tricking a fantastic man into marrying me and agreeing to reproduce with me. How could anyone manage to accomplish these things? HA!
It seems like one day I woke up and realized that I am a grown up - which is awesome sometimes but sometimes it also sucks an amazing amount of ass. And everyone else I know? Is grown up too! Some of us are better at it than others, but we are all adults now. For some reason it just takes me by surprise.
I wouldn't say that I am insecure as a parent. I'm figuring it all out. But I see other moms, and the seem so much more...mature? No. More...capable, maybe? Like, they would know what to say when their child asks, "Mommy, what is sex?"
(My answer: It's bad, is what it is. Yucky!)
(Actually, that phrase could be used to answer a long list of inquiries - balls, penis, vagina, the tax system, the word panties? Bad. Yucky.)
And Olivia is growing up, too. It's like one day she doesn't do something, and then one day she wakes up and all of a sudden has this cool new skill. And that sounds stupid, like saying that you found something in the last place you looked. But sometimes I just think about the little, floppy, helpless newborn that we brought home and wonder, where did she go?
Thinking about the big impact that these small decisions have had makes me nervous. Will I screw up some small thing? How will I know the right moves to make now that I realize how big of an impact something can have?
Last night, we spent at least two hours making Olivia belly laugh.
One of my finer moments as a grown-up. Hands down.