Monday, October 26, 2009

The day I struck my mother blind with my Lady Business.

I wish I was kidding.

Last week, I went for my Annual Exam. For the Lady Business.

We all know that every Lady Doctor in Northeast Ohio has seen (and probably had an arm elbow deep in) my Lady Business in the past two years. But still. I've gotten kind of used to that region going back to being one of the least publicly viewed parts of my body. Call me crazy.

I was feeling a little apprehensive, and that was probably the reason that I almost crapped my pants when the nurse told me to take off all! my! clothes!

Nurse: Take off all your clothes and put on this gown.

Me: You mean waist down?

Nurse:No. ALL your clothes.

UGH! I hate when I ask those kinds of questions. If she meant waist down, she would have just said that, jerkstore. But who knows? Maybe she told me to take off all my clothes because she was bored, and how funny would it be if a patient was naked when the doctor came in muahahahahahaHAHAAAA!!!!!!!

For some reason, I have a strange fear that I will take off the wrong items of clothing. I'm afraid that I won't be paying attention, and they will tell me to take off my socks, and I will take off my bra instead. I believe it's along the same lines as my hiding my underwear neuroses (not aware of my underwear neuroses? Catch a glimpse here, and here).

So. I took off all my clothes, explained to both the nurse and midwife that no, I am not using birth control, and I do not plan to use birth control but hey! Thank you for your concern. And also? Let me school you on the difference between a fresh InVitro and a Frozen Embryo Transfer - no problem at all, because I totally enjoy futility! No, really, I look forward to explaining it to you next year!
I'm even willing to explain to you annually how 'transfer' is different from 'implant' and no, actually Jon and Kate did IUI so I wasn't really afraid that I would have 8 kids too but hahahaha YOU ARE DARLING, do you know that? Can I get a pap every month? Because this shit right here is the highlight of mah life.

I was so glad to put my Lady Business away and get home to mah baybee.
My Lady Business? She had other plans.

My mom stays at our house on Monday nights. She lives an hour away and watches Olivia on Monday and Tuesday, so it's just easier for her to spend the night and avoid an extra 2 hours in the car.

On a seemingly unrelated note, I've started taking baths with Olivia because she wants to drown herself and I am just so not down with that. So it's easier to restrain her and her death wish if I am in the tub with her. I don't believe I ever mentioned this to the Internet. Or to my mom.

I do have a point.

Since my mom was supposed to be in the basement using our treadmill, I left the bathroom door open while I was getting Olivia ready to get a bath.

And my mom...
My poor, sweet, innocent mom...

See, she didn't know that I was bathing WITH Olivia, so she thought that she would come up for bath time.
And I? I didn't know. I thought I had two floors of safety.

We decided to perform a brief reenactment to better describe the horror that followed...

Scene 1: I was completely nekked, bent over Olivia like this, taking her clothes off and just generally letting my Lady Business enjoy the scenery.



Scene 2: My mother innocently reaches the top of the stairs to see EVERYTHING. It was hard to hear her over the sound of her eyeballs bursting into flames and immediately turning to ash, but I think she said something to the effect of, "I DIDN'T KNOOOOOWWWW! AHHHHHH!!!!!"



And then we agreed to never speak of it again. Except to the Internet.
Mah Laydee Biznass: She can't be contained.

72 comments:

roztime said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA

kassiaann said...

You just made my night. Maybe my week. Maybe my month. Awesome.

Becca said...

Cannot breathe I am laughing so hard. I would have DIED. DIIIIEEEED.

The re-enactment is worth a million words.

'Murgdan' said...

Bwahahahahahaha....oh....the horror!

Once Upon A Time said...

HAHAHAHA- there are no words. HEEHEEHEE.

areyoukiddingme said...

Hahahaha

At least she didn't fall down the stairs in shock and horror! On the other hand, she saw your lady business multiple times per day when you were Olivia's age. It was just your baby girl business then, but I doubt things have changed that much!

Shandal said...

OMG! That was hilarious! LOVE the reenactment!

Lauren said...

LMAO! The reenactment is priceless. Completely priceless.

I gave you a little shout out on my blog this evening. :)

Mrs. Higrens said...

I'm so glad I read this at home and not at work. Because the crazed laughter that just exploded from me would have been a total tip off that I wasn't exactly working at the moment.

Thank you for sharing the reenactment with teh internets. It totally made my night.

The Red Headed Mama said...

The fact that you took reenactment pictures is why I :heart: you!

rachel... said...

My mom watched me give birth three times, but I'm not sure she'd ever recover from something like this. I hope yours comes back next Monday!

Parsing Nonsense said...

Thanks for posting this, I needed that laugh :)

Heather Rodriguez said...

I cant stop laughing

Robin said...

you are one brave woman to post the reenactment. And hilarious!

WorryWart said...

Too friggin' funny!! Thanks for this!!

Two Moms, Two Monkeys said...

OMG HILARIOUS just freakin HILARIOUS!! I haven't laughed out loud like that in forever! Caught myself off gaurd! Thanks for sharing!

Everyday Mom Ideas said...

Oh my goodness you have me laughing so hard I can barely type this... so glad it was you and not me. this kind of thing sounds like it could totaly happen to me. Eeek!

Marnie said...

The pictures were the added bonus... I woke the baybee laughin so hard! Thank you! (And your lady bizness)

Candice said...

Funniest post ever. You have outdone yourself! :)

Milla said...

You are awsome! Many thanks for the laughs, was having a morning that sucked till then. I also love the crime scene reconstruction.

Sorry to hear about the unsalaried ART education you've been called on to provide and why, for the love of gd, did they make you take all your clothes off?! Are you sure that these people were nurses/doctors?

Thanks again for the extremely hilarious post.

liina said...

Thank you, that was funny, I might get through the day without taking my prozac now afterall :)

Dawn's Recipes said...

Hahahaaaa!!! Thank you SO MUCH for the re-enactment. You are too awesome!

Strawberry said...

Thanks for the laugh! I wonder if your mom will now be in the habit of announcing herself when she's walking around your house ("I am walking towards the kitchen now","I am coming up the stairs now"...)

Lauren.Furrer said...

Really wishing I hadn't put on mascara today. you are too damn funny. bahahaha

KLTTX said...

Haaa! That's the funniest thing I've read in ages. Thanks.

Jess said...

HAHA! Trying hard not to crack up at work...could you please post like, 12 times per day?

Bean said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You just made my day!!!!

Aimee said...

you may want to consider having your mom wear a cowbell to know her where-abouts... :)

Stephanie said...

"It's (Lady) Business Time!" I heart Flight of the Conchords and will forever insert lady into that song... :)

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA...the pics are fantastic!

I also (IVF'er) have an underwear hiding obsession.

A New Beginning said...

Just wait until you are taking a bath with the baybee and hse points at your lady business, and will NOT quit pointing at it. Yeah, fun days, and the last time we took a bath together.

renee said...

ok i'm lmao right now!! i still can't get over the fact that you took re-enactment pics lol.

Alyssa said...

Oh my lord, I thought I was the only person who hid her underwear. I always do this. When I was going to my weekly OB appointments and getting checked, and my lovely husband was there, he'd frequently move my underwear to the top of the pile, just because he knew it freaked me out.

Mel said...

This one is so damn funny, you had me to tears. My husband thought I was dying.
Thank you.

alison said...

Ha! Love it!

I also have a fear of taking off the wrong item of clothing. Which would, you know, be so awkward if I took off my shirt and I wasn't supposed to.

Leah said...

And that is why I read your blog you are hilarious!! I never take my bra off just unhook it and for my chonies they stay safely by my side. Your poor mother.

Kristin said...

Well sometimes you need to take your Lady Business out and give her some air!

This is so funny Jen, thank you for making my day!!!

Stephanie said...

First time here. Damn funny. And by damn, I mean Dayyyyyyyy uuummmmmm. Loved it!

Also I have weird fears of taking off the wrong clothes and hiding my underwear. And making sure I look like a very neat person with my perfectly folded clothes. And then I sit down, smooth out my paper gown and make sure everything is in place. The right place..and covered. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

You had me at Laydee Biznass! Hilarious.

KristenWiley said...

I? Am Crying. Hahaha. Sorry, these are tears for your pain, not tears of laughter.... And I'm lying. Thanks for the belly laughs (though they did nothing for my nausea....)

PJ said...

hahahaaaaaa! I may have just peed myself laughing!

You should have seen the intern listen to my story last month, as I spilled my whole depressing story to the GYN. Her jaw was on the floor.

Anonymous said...

SO FREAKING hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!

The Salem Family said...

Your story made my day! Freakin' fantastic!

Anabelle said...

that's the first time i've ever shared a blog post with the family around the dinner table because it made me laugh so hard... lol

Anabelle said...

that's the first time i've ever shared a blog post with the family around the dinner table because it made me laugh so hard... lol

Kerri said...

O.M.G. This was hilarious. I really, really loved the reenactment because I don't think I would've fully appreciated the awkward position you were in without witnessing it first hand. Awesome. You crack me up- I love this blog.

Mama Bee said...

Oh. Em. Gee. That was full of The Awesome!

Crazy Sister said...

The re-enactment is the best thing ever!

Team Skinner said...

OMG, that is hilarious!
I love the reenactment.
I would have died. I am glad you didn't and decided to tell us all about it instead!
Keep 'em coming!

Shanny said...

Holly crap lol

B and B's Mom said...

Best story ever!

Anonymous said...

That might possibly be the funniest story you've blogged... dear gawd I busted out laughing at work... in the middle of a quiet office.

Thanks...!

Kara said...

This has my vote for best blog post ever. Laughing hysterically. Posted a link as my facebook status.

Nikki said...

That was the funniest thing I have read all week, and thank you for the re-enactment photos.

Full of the funny, you are.

Deanna said...

I LOVE the re-enactment!!!! Pictures are worth a thousand words, but I'm oh so glad you wrote about this as well!

Emily said...

the photos make this post!!!

Tiffanie said...

you are one funny bitch. thank you for the pictures, it totally sealed the deal for the funniest thing you have ever written.

Andi said...

OMG. You kill me! This has got to be the funniest thing I've ever read, the reenactment is fan-freaking-tastic!

AmandaMqn said...

hahahahahahaha
::breathe:::
hahahahahahaha

OMG, I had tears I was laughing so hard! Love the blog and your awesome sense of humor!

Anonymous said...

Nice Seinfeld "jerkstore" reference.

Mrs.Salsaburger said...

BWWWWWWWWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ::::breathe:::: BWAWAHHHHHHHHHHH

I think I just died.

Shila said...

This post made my laugh so hard I probably lost 20 pounds! :)

becky @ misspriss said...

a week after first reading it... still laughing. the pictures seal the deal on this one. awesome.

Kahla said...

OMG, that is totally hilarious and devastating at the same time! Ha!

Jem said...

Just found your blog. I laughed so hard reading this post that my back hurt (one of my ribs is out, treated by my chiro today, trying to take it easy).

DH wondered why I was cackling on the other end of the couch.

Thanks for the laugh

lori said...

howdy from another IFer turned mommy. i. can't. breathe! omigod...highlarious! even my 13mo is laughing (at me, not with me).

love yer blog. wish i'd found you sooner ;-p

Christa said...

I found your post from Creme de la Creme. I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing at work! Hilarious reenactment!

Lut C. said...

Popped in from the crème de la crème list.

Bwahahahah!

The reenactment photos are such a fabulous touch.

Having to explain IVF to the ob/gyn staff, not so funny though. :-/

T Lee said...

Here from the Creme-

Oh my god, you included pictures. I am crying right now... and also clicking follow...

Jo said...

I TOTALLY needed this today. Thanks for the giggle. (Who am I kidding? The snorting-out-loud spit-out-my-coffee guffaw is more like it.)

:-D

LaurenKauf said...

hahaha!! Came over from the Creme. Love this!!!!

densfordfamily said...

here from the creme! and wow, this was so great. so great!

your lady business is the shit! that sounds wrong, but you know what i mean.

hope your mom is okay!

xoxo