I wish I was kidding.
Last week, I went for my Annual Exam. For the Lady Business.
We all know that every Lady Doctor in Northeast Ohio has seen (and probably had an arm elbow deep in) my Lady Business in the past two years. But still. I've gotten kind of used to that region going back to being one of the least publicly viewed parts of my body. Call me crazy.
I was feeling a little apprehensive, and that was probably the reason that I almost crapped my pants when the nurse told me to take off all! my! clothes!
Nurse: Take off all your clothes and put on this gown.
Me: You mean waist down?
Nurse:No. ALL your clothes.
UGH! I hate when I ask those kinds of questions. If she meant waist down, she would have just said that, jerkstore. But who knows? Maybe she told me to take off all my clothes because she was bored, and how funny would it be if a patient was naked when the doctor came in muahahahahahaHAHAAAA!!!!!!!
For some reason, I have a strange fear that I will take off the wrong items of clothing. I'm afraid that I won't be paying attention, and they will tell me to take off my socks, and I will take off my bra instead. I believe it's along the same lines as my hiding my underwear neuroses (not aware of my underwear neuroses? Catch a glimpse here, and here).
So. I took off all my clothes, explained to both the nurse and midwife that no, I am not using birth control, and I do not plan to use birth control but hey! Thank you for your concern. And also? Let me school you on the difference between a fresh InVitro and a Frozen Embryo Transfer - no problem at all, because I totally enjoy futility! No, really, I look forward to explaining it to you next year!
I'm even willing to explain to you annually how 'transfer' is different from 'implant' and no, actually Jon and Kate did IUI so I wasn't really afraid that I would have 8 kids too but hahahaha YOU ARE DARLING, do you know that? Can I get a pap every month? Because this shit right here is the highlight of mah life.
I was so glad to put my Lady Business away and get home to mah baybee.
My Lady Business? She had other plans.
My mom stays at our house on Monday nights. She lives an hour away and watches Olivia on Monday and Tuesday, so it's just easier for her to spend the night and avoid an extra 2 hours in the car.
On a seemingly unrelated note, I've started taking baths with Olivia because she wants to drown herself and I am just so not down with that. So it's easier to restrain her and her death wish if I am in the tub with her. I don't believe I ever mentioned this to the Internet. Or to my mom.
I do have a point.
Since my mom was supposed to be in the basement using our treadmill, I left the bathroom door open while I was getting Olivia ready to get a bath.
And my mom...
My poor, sweet, innocent mom...
See, she didn't know that I was bathing WITH Olivia, so she thought that she would come up for bath time.
And I? I didn't know. I thought I had two floors of safety.
We decided to perform a brief reenactment to better describe the horror that followed...
Scene 1: I was completely nekked, bent over Olivia like this, taking her clothes off and just generally letting my Lady Business enjoy the scenery.
Scene 2: My mother innocently reaches the top of the stairs to see EVERYTHING. It was hard to hear her over the sound of her eyeballs bursting into flames and immediately turning to ash, but I think she said something to the effect of, "I DIDN'T KNOOOOOWWWW! AHHHHHH!!!!!"
And then we agreed to never speak of it again. Except to the Internet.
Mah Laydee Biznass: She can't be contained.