There are 8 weeks left before Christmas.
Listen, I know how hard it is to think of gifts for your preshus baybee - especially those pesky little 6-12 month-ers. Sure, they won't remember their first Christmas, and will be more interested in the paper and packaging and OHHHH LIGHTS than anything you actually buy.
But! We have an economy to stimulate here, people! And plus, you've got to spend more than the other mommies and then take a lot of pictures or else your preshus baybee will know that you do not love her/him. You're really just saving yourself the cost of much mommyhate therapy down the road. This is money that you can use for a tummy tuck or liposuction!
(Or, maybe just some tall brown boots?)
I've been diligent in my research, and am confident that I have come up with the Must Have Baybee Gifts for 2009.
Are you ready?
I don't think you are.
The greatness-ish of this list will be mind numbing.
Soul crushing, even.
Here we go...
Jennepper's Must Have Baybee Gifts for 2009:
Electrical Outlets and Cable Cords Fisher Price cannot create enough Colorful Baybee Junk to distract your preshus from outlets and cords. As soon as I sit Olivia down in a room? She crawls straight toward the cords.
This is a picture of her in her playroom, and if I had a wider lens, you would be able to see that Santa barfed all over the place and Olivia couldn't care less because ELECTRICITY! And RUBBER! And CHOKING HAZARDS ZOMG!
And lest you think that you will go all Scrooge McDuck and spoil Christmas by covering up the electrical outlets? HA.HA.HA. Because your preshus will LOVE fondling those plastic outlet covers. And you know what else? There is no childproofing solution that you can buy at Target to cover up the awkward cords sticking out of your wall.
(Dear Internet/Better Moms Than Me: is there a childproofing solution that I can buy at Target to cover up the awkward cords sticking out of the wall? Kthxbai.)
Nothing screams !!!Put Me In Your Mouth!!! like a bowl full of dog food laying on the floor. I think all babies love the petri dish appeal of the dirty dog bowl, but my daughter does especially since she grew up (for three days) in a petri dish at the Cleveland Clinic.
And really. We should have named her Typhoid Mary for the speed with which she infected our entire family with the Snot of the Century cold that lasts for three weeks. It is only fitting that she contract some sort of disgusting intestinal parasite from the dog dish and spread it to everyone.
My only hope is that I can maybe catch something that will help me lose 5 pounds. Illness is useless to me if I don't lose a little weight.
Anything that hangs down is just generally fun to play with. Olivia loves the vertical blinds at our house, and at my mom's. Not limited to blinds, Olivia also loves to go after the dog's balls. Not the balls in the toy bin, either. I'm talking about testicles. Did you catch that? No? I'm talking about Dog Testicles. Testies, testies, one...two...three? Like that.
Yet another reason to neuter your dogs instead of buying more clothes for your baybee? I think so. But GAHD it is so much more tempting to shop Baby Gap.
Great for tossing around instead of taking A Lame Ass Nap, but also for completing the look of Bitch, Come And Get Meh NOW angst.
"I will cut you. Seriously. My fingernailz is longz."
Olivia has mastered the Big Girl Crawl. I'm thinking of putting her up for hire on Craigs List - you can pay me $100, and I will bring her over and let her find all of the horrible, rotten, no good, downright dangerous shit in your house.
"Am Comin ta getcha RAWR! Hide ur doggiez!"
What's on your Top Baybee Gift List of Death and Destruction for 2009?