Monday, November 2, 2009

Jennepper's Must Have Baybee Gifts for 2009

There are 8 weeks left before Christmas.

Listen, I know how hard it is to think of gifts for your preshus baybee - especially those pesky little 6-12 month-ers. Sure, they won't remember their first Christmas, and will be more interested in the paper and packaging and OHHHH LIGHTS than anything you actually buy.

But! We have an economy to stimulate here, people! And plus, you've got to spend more than the other mommies and then take a lot of pictures or else your preshus baybee will know that you do not love her/him. You're really just saving yourself the cost of much mommyhate therapy down the road. This is money that you can use for a tummy tuck or liposuction!

(Or, maybe just some tall brown boots?)

I've been diligent in my research, and am confident that I have come up with the Must Have Baybee Gifts for 2009.

Are you ready?
I don't think you are.
Sit down.
Prepare.
The greatness-ish of this list will be mind numbing.
Soul crushing, even.
Here we go...

Jennepper's Must Have Baybee Gifts for 2009:

Electrical Outlets and Cable Cords Fisher Price cannot create enough Colorful Baybee Junk to distract your preshus from outlets and cords. As soon as I sit Olivia down in a room? She crawls straight toward the cords.

This is a picture of her in her playroom, and if I had a wider lens, you would be able to see that Santa barfed all over the place and Olivia couldn't care less because ELECTRICITY! And RUBBER! And CHOKING HAZARDS ZOMG!

And lest you think that you will go all Scrooge McDuck and spoil Christmas by covering up the electrical outlets? HA.HA.HA. Because your preshus will LOVE fondling those plastic outlet covers. And you know what else? There is no childproofing solution that you can buy at Target to cover up the awkward cords sticking out of your wall.

(Dear Internet/Better Moms Than Me: is there a childproofing solution that I can buy at Target to cover up the awkward cords sticking out of the wall? Kthxbai.)

Dog Bowl

Nothing screams !!!Put Me In Your Mouth!!! like a bowl full of dog food laying on the floor. I think all babies love the petri dish appeal of the dirty dog bowl, but my daughter does especially since she grew up (for three days) in a petri dish at the Cleveland Clinic.

And really. We should have named her Typhoid Mary for the speed with which she infected our entire family with the Snot of the Century cold that lasts for three weeks. It is only fitting that she contract some sort of disgusting intestinal parasite from the dog dish and spread it to everyone.

My only hope is that I can maybe catch something that will help me lose 5 pounds. Illness is useless to me if I don't lose a little weight.

Blinds
Anything that hangs down is just generally fun to play with. Olivia loves the vertical blinds at our house, and at my mom's. Not limited to blinds, Olivia also loves to go after the dog's balls. Not the balls in the toy bin, either. I'm talking about testicles. Did you catch that? No? I'm talking about Dog Testicles. Testies, testies, one...two...three? Like that.

Yet another reason to neuter your dogs instead of buying more clothes for your baybee? I think so. But GAHD it is so much more tempting to shop Baby Gap.

Crib Bumper
Great for tossing around instead of taking A Lame Ass Nap, but also for completing the look of Bitch, Come And Get Meh NOW angst.
"I will cut you. Seriously. My fingernailz is longz."

Olivia has mastered the Big Girl Crawl. I'm thinking of putting her up for hire on Craigs List - you can pay me $100, and I will bring her over and let her find all of the horrible, rotten, no good, downright dangerous shit in your house.

"Am Comin ta getcha RAWR! Hide ur doggiez!"
video

What's on your Top Baybee Gift List of Death and Destruction for 2009?

24 comments:

HereWeGoAJen said...

This thingy: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2792252 And sadly, not available at my Target.

It doesn't fix the cord thing, but it shortens the cords and keeps Elizabeth from yanking the cords out of the wall. Now she can attempt to yank over the lamp instead! Ack. But it is better than it was.

areyoukiddingme said...

I have no advice on the cords - we just buried them in the carpet edges and behind LARGE furniture. And we got rid of all of our lamps. It's not like you can read or anything with an infant - you're either entertaining them or sleeping - so why do you need light? If the sun's down, everyone should be in bed! :)

uncomplicateme said...

Cords and sharp-corners-on-furniture-that-we-never-noticed-before are the awesomest toys at our house! Screw you expensive toys, we like plastic water bottles and baby wipes.

Lauren said...

That is video is totally adorable. You have such a preshuss baybee!

Heather Rodriguez said...

I never baby proofed and all five of mine are alive. :) She is so cute. Anyway.....

Two Moms, Two Monkeys said...

That was a funny post! Olivia is really adorable.

KLTTX said...

Great post. I hear you on the dog bowl thing. My 14 mo is obsessed with the water bowls - anything he finds he runs to throw in the water bowl. I had to fish out his lovie earlier in the week. Just wait until she starts climbing on things. I seriously think that babies have some sort of death wish. Either that or they just want to give their mommy's a heart attack.

KLTTX said...

Great post. I hear you on the dog bowl thing. My 14 mo is obsessed with the water bowls - anything he finds he runs to throw in the water bowl. I had to fish out his lovie earlier in the week. Just wait until she starts climbing on things. I seriously think that babies have some sort of death wish. Either that or they just want to give their mommy's a heart attack.

PJ said...

Ugh, dog bowls! Yuck! Ours are so big they would probably be a drowning hazard!

Annegirrl said...

You need to add the following items to your list:

1. Gas fireplace that still gets dangerously hot with just a stinking pilot light or we could just push something wood/upholstered against and create a fire hazard.

2. Gateless stairs, because you're thinking "How could your barely crawling baybee possibly climb stairs?" as you run up 7 of them to stop her.

3. Toilet lids. BEST TOY EVER! Wait a few months to when they can reach the handle and make that thing they threw in there disappear in a swirl of water.

*~*Lis*~* said...

Sorry to say that my 2 year olds STILL play in the dog water. They don't eat the food so much, but what a mess the water dish can make!

For the cords - I've got something similar to this one, same brand but a different model - not sure if they have it at Target, but I know I didn't get mine at the brand's site. http://www.safety1st.com/usa/eng/Products/Home-Safety/Electrical/Details/67-48308-Outlet-Cover-with-Cord-Shortener

KimboSue said...

You are too funny! Can't wait for everyone's death wish list 2009. Miles is on all fours doing the humpty dance aka rocking so it is just a short time before he will find all my lingering death items...

WannabeMommy said...

The dog's balls.... Laugh.Out.Loud.Funny!!

Thank you!!!

Mrs.Salsaburger said...

for the cords http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=399762&parentCategoryId=85183&categoryId=85216&subCategoryId=86200

Alyssa said...

My preshous baybee cannot get enough of the remote control. If there is a remote in the room you've put him in, he will immediately find it. Try hiding it. That only makes it more fun. Honestly, like I wasn't already annoyed with trying to wrestle my husband for the remote, now I must deal with this nonsense from my 8-month old? GAH.

kbreints said...

You are hysterical :) Everything is SO true that you have written... but my youngest is turning 3 and even though those baby times are not that far away in the past my boys are done with the cords, and plugs, and dog food eating and coins in the mouth stage...

Yup you forgot that one! Babies will locate the smallest thing on your floor and insert it into their mouth in .02 seconds...

Robbie said...

You didn't add garbage can. My 20 month old likes to throw things away and retrieve nasty things from the garbage can. The lid does not stop her.

JennyM said...

That Olivia is so darn adorable!! Who knew that sweet face could cause such destruction? :)

Well, my preshus baybee is the same age as yours and you have totally summed up the list of Death and Destruction items in our household! The vertical blinds in our house are weighted with thin, metal slats...and they're like nuggets of gold to my little one! You should see her eyes light up when she retrieves one and attempts to slice her face and gums with it. I swear, it's her favorite pastime these days!

sheilah said...

Haha...love the Mr. Spock-one-raised-eyebrow look in that one picture. She is so adorable.

Send her over to my house. I am sure she could find all the lose change, missing puzzle pieces and old lint-covered cheetos.

Shereen said...

Oh.My.God. I laughed my ass off at "Testies, testies, one...two...three" Good times!

Anonymous said...

Well, not Target, but Frys has a bunch of these type of things:

http://www.frys.com/product/5239417?site=sr:SEARCH:MAIN_RSLT_PG

http://www.frys.com/product/3924668

Krys R. said...

Our baybee's favorite thing is dog hair. Yanks huge chunks of it out of the doggie's back and yep, tries to put that hair-filled mitt of a hand directly in her mouth. Uh, no. How about you don't poo a hair ball before you're a year old??

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