Monday, November 23, 2009

My body is a wonderland. Ish.

Oh, post pregnant body is surely what inspired John Mayer.

(Speaking of: I say you can't get stoned, John Mayer. ME! That's who.)

Right after I had Olivia, I felt SO SKINNY. My stomach looked so flat on the top, and huge on the bottom. Like a big human butternut squash.



That looks awfully phallic, doesn't it? My abdomen looked like a giant flesh colored penis squash. Definitely inspirational. My uterus was huge and it was pulling everything down and making it appear that I was the Ohio version of Heidi Klum, except at least a foot shorter and with bigger thighs (ESPECIALLY when my milk came in...because RAWR).

Eventually my uterus got way smaller, and I was left with a belly full o'pizza dough. And somehow my thigh cellulite made its way up to my stomach. At around 8 months post partum, the doughyness started to disappear. But now my hips are moving back in and it is causing my belly to pop out in the most Three Months Pregnant fashion.

So, yeah. I look ridiculous. I don't really care that much because I am ridiculous. And every time I type ridiculous, I think of Balki Bartokomous.

Exhibit A: Don't be ridikalas, Cousin Larry.


Most disturbing, in my most humble and worthless opinion? Hair loss. When Olivia was three months old, I started losing hair. And for me to say that I was losing hair is serious, because I am basically a human Golden Retriever. But only in the hair loss department, not in any of the good desirable ways like loyal or friendly.

I really started going bald at my temples and my hair line went back about half an inch. So my movie theatre-sized forehead went to drive-in movie theatre-sized in the span of a month. This is the best picture I can find.


Title: In Which I Sport A Combover and A Bald Temple. (But Look At That BAYBEE! With Two Bald Parents, Bless Her Heart.)


And now all my hair is growing back, and I look like a chia pet. Here is a pretty good view of my itty bitty short hairs...


Today, my hair is really dry and so all the short hairs are sticking straight up on one side like some demented version of the Kate Gosselin haircut on the front of my head. It's really inconvenient because all of these men are swarming me and OH GOD I'M MARRIED (unless you are Robert Pattinson then YUM).

(Or Taylor Lautner)

(I'm seeing New Moon tonight.)

(I'm just gonna end this awkward post right here, mkay? Bai.)

33 comments:

Carrie said...

I'm totally Team Edward when I read the books, but Team Jacob when I see the movies. Um... how awkward is it to be swooning over the sexiness of a 17-year-old. Oh well.

But wait - you're in Ohio, too? Where-ish, may I ask? I'm in the Columbus area. If you're nearby and need someone to see New Moon (again - because you'll want to see it again)... :::waves!::: I want to see it again but know my husband will just laugh at me if I try to talk him into going with me. Again.

:)

Jaci said...

My stomach also looks like a squash, so don't feel bad. And? My dough belly baby roll just hangs off my the new pregnancy.

Awesome.

Stephanie said...

When will the hair loss end? It started for me about two months ago (3 months PP), and so far, no end in sight! How can there be any hair left to lose???

Alyssa said...

I am so glad I'm not the only one who is sporting the new hair growth. I have some really strange things happening at my hairline. It looks like I cut myself a set of bangs, only I did them too thin and too short. So maybe it looks like I let my preshous baybee cut a set of bangs for me.

Dana said...

My daughter Ava is 7 months old, I would say my hair fell out from the time she was 4 months until about a month ago! It is now also growing back and we could be twins! It looks like I am a 1st grader that took sissors to my head! Dreadful! I used gel this morning to try to push it in with the other hair...nothing is working! LOL! I have been following your blog forever! Thanks for keeping me laughing! A fellow Ohio-ian!

JuLi-ElLe said...

First off, Olivia is such a doll!

Secondly, wonderland body? Me toos! I've got more surprises around every corner then a freaky side-show attraction at the fair. I can see the signs now, "Come and take a peek at nature's scariest creation! The postpartum baby body!" Yes, tis I. Scary.

Oh and lets make matters worse. My maternity clothes are falling off huge and my pre-pregnancy clothes..well lets just say they wouldn't fit even if I was poured in them. My hubby wanted us to go out to dinner Friday night but I cried that I had nothing to wear. "I am fat and ugly."

He assures me that I am still sexy and suggests that I wear one of his shirts. Like, I was a 6 before getting pregnant, you honestly think that fitting into a 2x is really going to make me feel better about myself?! Thanks hon.

Have fun at New Moon! **Team Emmett**!!!

MagaliesGarden said...

Jen, here, feel better. My hair is all falling out, clogging up the shower drain, and any bits of regrowth I have are coming in SILVER GRAY and corky like a freakin zig zag shape that sticks straight up off my head. Most amusing is trying to use my flat iron to beat them down. They become like check marks trying to ski jump off my scalp. Just when I was going to go back to being a brunette...sigh.

I had a c-section and lost all my baby weight plus in the first 2 months pp. Then, my metabolism kicked the percocet habit and woke up, wherein the skinny jeans I was wearing have been cruelly sent a'packin once again after a brief tease. Are you old enough to remember the little rascals episode where they bake a "cake" with random stuff laying around and it starts to puff out of the oven and go, "weeep-woooow" yeah well that's my pizza dough story.

Your family is totally cute BTW.

Michelle said...

You gave me hope! I am almost 6 months pp and have begun to despair that the doughy-ness will stay forever! Does it really go away? Really?

I, too, sport the bangs that look like my son cut them. Yeah, the hair loss? That's something nobody mentioned before I got pregnant! Surprised the crap out of me!

LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog!

Chicago Mom said...

This post really made me laugh. I had the same thing happen with my hair. I was like "what the hey is going on with these new little bangs? I didn't remember cutting them?" Thankfully it grows out!

Chicago Mom said...

This post really made me laugh. I had the same thing happen with my hair. I was like "what the hey is going on with these new little bangs? I didn't remember cutting them?" Thankfully it grows out!

HereWeGoAJen said...

My hair still looks massively stupid. That is not meant to discourage you. My short little hairs grow out like horns. Horns! I have hair horns!

Aunt Becky said...

When they say "having a baby changes everything" they mean that you look like John Wayne Gacy for awhile. Sorry.

Wes and Dani said...

A) I LOVE your dimples.

B) Love the line about the golden retriever. :)

C) You'll LOVE New Moon! :)

PS...just because I love everything about you doesn't make me a blog stalker does it? Okay..maybe it does. Oh well!

Dani

poppy.f.seed said...

ah, the doughy phase, I am full in it!
That is crazy about your hair, my friend had it more all over. Now you have cool hipster bangs!

Robin said...

I love-love-love the honesty and comedy of this post. It is all soooo true and I can relate to all of it. Motherhood truths are so much more comedic when other people share, so thank you! :)

Shandal said...

My baby is 8 months old and my hair started to fall out when she was 3 months too. Except my hair is STILL falling out! Like so bad that I can not believe that I'm not bald. I have 1 inch hair regrowth all over my head too. It looks ridic!

Parsing Nonsense said...

Heavens, post-partum posts scare the pants off me. It's hard to remember what it felt like before my stomach got huge and round, but now it's even more inconceivable that it will get all empty and slushy soon.

And hair loss. HAIR LOSS!! Say it ain't so!

Anonymous said...

I went through the dry bald phase as well. For the dryness, try fish oil or salmon oil vitamin supplements. Also, a weekly deep conditioning treatment is the bees knees. I do both religiously and my hair is restored to it's former glory - mousy but soft and flowy :)

I have no advice on the body except exercise...which is no fun at all.

Angie said...

I think this might be my first comment, but I have been reading for a while...
You have given me hope that:

the doughy belly will eventually go away

and my hair will eventually grow back a little. It's pretty thin right now.

But, being only 6 months PP, I've got a bit to go before I see some differences. sigh. :)

Erin said...

I have been waiting to hear your thoughts on New Moon, so be sure to update when you get home. I went to see it at midnight on Thursday night with a group of friends, and then was forced (yeah, right) to go again on Saturday. I know it seems like I have no life, but I'm actually a pretty busy person. It was just THAT GOOD.

P.S. I'm in Ohio too!

Erin said...

Umm, did someone say New Moon? Cause I haven't been processing any other thoughts since Friday. Can't wait to hear your review on it Jen.
Again, I think you know which team I play on... Woof, Woof! Pretty sure after you see it, you will agree.

Good Egg Hunting said...

I'm scared! I'd go dip into a carton of ice cream for comfort, but heaven forbid I contribute to my future doughy belly!

Dorothy said...

Knowing that it is you saying John Mayer can't get stoned makes me feel so much better!

Everytime I hear that song I think, "Well someone has to say it, John!"

Devon said...

that's why my hair does not grow beyond a pixie. people think it's because I have some hot "new mom" do and I'm too cool for school. nope, not so much.

uncomplicateme said...

Oh the hair loss... people said I'd lose my hair, they just didn't say WHERE it would be from. I didn't know I'd look like I was in Jr. High trying to grow my bangs out... Aye yi yi. I'm so with you. Big forehead and all. Although TRUST me, mine is bigger than yours. ;o)

Lauren.Furrer said...

Does your hilarity know no limit?

Shanny said...

Haha, thanks for the laugh... as always!
New Moon was good!!!! The guys get nice and shirtless =)~

Dana said...

We can rock out with our matching stupid looking hairlines Friday night. We can drink beer and toast to it, k?

The sad part is, by the time it all grew back in and looked normal, I got pregnant with G so it started all over again. Good times...oh yes.

Crazy Sister said...

Balki was so much fun. He was always happy! Your poor hair. Whatever - start a trend!

mom2anangel said...

Jen, I love your blog! I'm glad you posted this. I was just telling someone that while I do weigh less than I did before I was pg I am still in the same size because of all the excess dough - I mean skin I'm carrying around. As far as the hair, I'm glad you mentioned that - it never occured to me that it had anything to do with having been pregnant, I was seriously trying to figure out how my hair got cut. It's like I have a layer of super short hair - but, that's got to be why. Anyway, I'm glad I'm not the only one. Thanks for writing, keep it up, you crack me up.
-Amy in MI

Max's Mommy said...

I lost SO MUCH HAIR too! And when it grew back behind my ears, I, now, constantly have little hair wings!

Nat said...

My hairline is the same! It actually looks like I found some kiddy scissors and hacked my fringe really short and it left all these sticky outtie bits. It's so wrong.
Needless to say, I almost wet myself laughing at your post and have nothing but sympathy for your hair iss-ewes and butternut squash-ness!

OperatorGirl said...

Don't you just love the doughy stomach thing? Uber zexy. I'm 5 months pp now and sporting a fairly interesting tummy and c-section happy face scar. I seriously can't tell you why my husband doesn't run away screaming all Home Alone-style.
Also? I had a little giggle over the chia pet thing. Okay maybe a big laugh. Perfect way to describe it! I too was losing hair like crazy, on my pillow, in the shower drain etc. I noticed my hair is doing the same thing, little short Kate-inspired hairs growing at my temples. Oh, will the sex appeal never end??