Oh, post pregnant body is surely what inspired John Mayer.
(Speaking of: I say you can't get stoned, John Mayer. ME! That's who.)
Right after I had Olivia, I felt SO SKINNY. My stomach looked so flat on the top, and huge on the bottom. Like a big human butternut squash.
That looks awfully phallic, doesn't it? My abdomen looked like a giant flesh colored penis squash. Definitely inspirational. My uterus was huge and it was pulling everything down and making it appear that I was the Ohio version of Heidi Klum, except at least a foot shorter and with bigger thighs (ESPECIALLY when my milk came in...because RAWR).
Eventually my uterus got way smaller, and I was left with a belly full o'pizza dough. And somehow my thigh cellulite made its way up to my stomach. At around 8 months post partum, the doughyness started to disappear. But now my hips are moving back in and it is causing my belly to pop out in the most Three Months Pregnant fashion.
So, yeah. I look ridiculous. I don't really care that much because I am ridiculous. And every time I type ridiculous, I think of Balki Bartokomous.
Exhibit A: Don't be ridikalas, Cousin Larry.
Most disturbing, in my most humble and worthless opinion? Hair loss. When Olivia was three months old, I started losing hair. And for me to say that I was losing hair is serious, because I am basically a human Golden Retriever. But only in the hair loss department, not in any of the good desirable ways like loyal or friendly.
I really started going bald at my temples and my hair line went back about half an inch. So my movie theatre-sized forehead went to drive-in movie theatre-sized in the span of a month. This is the best picture I can find.
Title: In Which I Sport A Combover and A Bald Temple. (But Look At That BAYBEE! With Two Bald Parents, Bless Her Heart.)
And now all my hair is growing back, and I look like a chia pet. Here is a pretty good view of my itty bitty short hairs...
Today, my hair is really dry and so all the short hairs are sticking straight up on one side like some demented version of the Kate Gosselin haircut on the front of my head. It's really inconvenient because all of these men are swarming me and OH GOD I'M MARRIED (unless you are Robert Pattinson then YUM).
(Or Taylor Lautner)
(I'm seeing New Moon tonight.)
(I'm just gonna end this awkward post right here, mkay? Bai.)