Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Big Shoe Shuffle

I hate Crocs.

Really.  Hate.  Like, if you're one of those people who says infuriating things like, "Hate is such a strong word!"  Then I hate you, and I hate crocs, and I bet you are a grown woman and you wear pigtails in your hair.

I hate that too.

I'm sure there are a billion people whose delicate little feelings are hurt right now because they are sitting at their computer wearing pigtails and crocs and are about to leave me an Anonymous comment telling me that Hate is too strong of a word and I should just do everyone a favor and die. 

And to you I say: let's stay friends.  I know a bunch of people who love Crocs and think that wearing pigtails past the age of 7 is adorable (and sexy, which ha.ha.ha.) and they are all my friends.  I just make fun of them. 

And in return they torture me.  For example, I had a party once, and they all came wearing pigtails just to see if I would pound my face through the wall.  I didn't, but it was close and I'm not even lying.  I was only saved by the presence of Mojitos and the hilarity of things that are sold at Pure Romance parties.

My mom knows that I hate Crocs, but she still bought me some for Christmas because LOLZ!  So I decided to wear my Crocs today for walking in the parking lot at work so that my cute work shoes wouldn't get wet. 

Crocs are the most ridiculous things.  Ever. 

I feel like a cartoon character with them on.  I feel like I need to take huge steps, or march, or something.  I feel like I should have humongous hands with big white gloves.  I feel like I should dance a little jig and say things like "doodey do".  I feel like a flaming moron. 

Or, Mickey Mouse.



Having these giant shoes on made me completely incapable of acting normal.  As soon as I put them on I felt the need to dance around and throw out jazz hands and just generally act like a dick.  I did a little jig for my coworker as soon as she came in to work.  Like, "Happy Wednesday, Melissa!  Bet you wish you had an office with a door that closes but you don't so watch this little jig I'm doing for you!"

I was in the midst of a repeat performance after lunch, and Melissa suggested that I show our boss.  OUR BOSS. 

Obviously, A Stellar Idea.  I'm in.

So down the hall I go!  I am dancing the entire way from my office to his office - complete with jazz hands and outrageous facial expressions.  But alas!  He is on the phone and not looking my way! 

I do not let the lack of attention get me down.  I am an attention whore, and I'm wearing MAGIC SHOES, and so I just keep on dancing down the hall.  At some point during my arm flailing grand finale, my hand swipes what should be the back of my skirt...

What SHOULD BE the back of my skirt.  But is actually not the back of my skirt, because it is my giant ass.  Which was, thank the sweet baby jesus, covered with tights. 

Because during my spectacular dance display, my skirt managed to scoot up above my butt.  And so here I am, dancing down the hall at work in Crocs and throwing out jazz hands and MY ASS IS HANGING OUT.*

I scream!  I run back to my office and tell Melissa!  And after she recovers from a deep belly laugh she's all...do you want me to take your picture?

Of course I want you to take my picture. 


The Big Shoe Shuffle: Not To Be Performed in a Skirt, and Also, Maybe Not At Work.**

On my way home, I call Mark and tell him about the big shoe shuffle and my ass hanging out.  He thinks it was a subconscious move on my part because I stayed up until 10:30 last night watching Jon Lajoie videos on You Tube over and over.  One can only hear Show Me Your Genitals so many times before she gets ideas.***


*Somehow, I am so lucky that everyone was out of the office.  Except for my boss who was on the phone, and another guy who was further down the hall and missed out on my performance.  I die a little bit inside just thinking about doing the Big Show Shuffle in front of my boss, and then him seeing my ass as I walked away. 

**It appears that Mah Crocs make me dance like Elaine from Seinfeld.

***I promise I won't try to show my boss or anyone else my genitals.  No matter how many times I watch that video.



61 comments:

HereWeGoAJen said...

I also hate crocs. And I am so glad to get the explanation as to why you were wearing them. I saw the picture before and I was so worried.

EZ and RJ said...

I HATE crocs as well! I do however think they look cute on little kids. I also HATE Ugg boots but at least they serve a purpose when it's cold out!

Anonymous said...

Love,Love, my crocs. Lands End fleese lined. Not so much the pig tails though. Robin

Mama Bee said...

Um, Crocs are full of The Ugly. But I have to admit that I secretly want a pair just to figure out what the fucking big deal is. Like, I have TOTALLY NORMAL and fashionable friends that wear them around (albeit, at home).

Also, pigtails on adults are stoopid. Except that I have semi-pigtails in my hair right now. But only because my 2yo insisted and I trust her fashion judgment.

I mean, as long as she doesn't make me wear Crocs.

jenicini said...

LMAO, jazz hands and all! I broke down and bought a pair of crocks after incessantly borrowing my husband to go out in the backyard with my doggie. Yep, I'm a sucker for her because I bought the ugly shoes! Enjoy.

Melissa said...

I almost peed my pants all over again! Seeing all this in person was the highlight of my day!!

'Murgdan' said...

*snort*

Well. I don't have any crocs. But I do have fake crocs made by Easy Spirit or some other ridiculous company. But I work in a job where I can practically wear pajamas to work. And I only wear my fake crocs at work. And only with my pigtails.

And sometimes at work I have to look at genitals.

Babe_chilla said...

The hubs said if anyone buys our babe crocs ever, they are no longer our friends ha. We found a Crocs store in Maui and spent a lot of time putting them on, taking photos of how stupid we look and making fun. I also hate them. HATE THEM. Unless you're a gardener, then maybe.

I don't get them. My BFF has them and I've hidden them on her several times to avoid having to be seen with her in them.

I have to say, I love that you mom bought you crocs, and not only that, but she bought them in THAT colour. Classic.

Love the big shoe shuffle, even if your ass was showing.

I don't do pigtails, but I do do low side ponytails. So you can only half hate me ;)

Once Upon A Time said...

LMAO! Thanks for that. :)

areyoukiddingme said...

You will love crocs for Olivia, though, because she will be able to put them on herself! With no help from you! Which is the best thing EVER! Besides, of course, jazz hands, magic dances, and skirts creeping up your ass...

Mandy and Jack said...

LOVE. LOVE LOVE LOVE. LOOOOOOVE this post.

Hate crocks. And pigtails. BUT love when you make yourself look like a douche at work and blog about it. Because clearly, you are here for my amusement and that only.

Gah. Love this post so very much.

Jorden and Kristin said...

bahahaha this made me laugh out loud! I used to hate crocs as well! now, well, i plain ol' love em! who knew!

Michelle said...

Hahahahahah!!!
This post made me laugh my ass off. So glad your office was mostly empty and didn't see your butt.
I wear pigtails - not to work.
I have 2..yes 2 pairs of sketcher Crocs which are slightly less large and offensive but freakin perfect for outdoor activities and taking the garbage out.

Marie said...

That was great!

I too hate the Crocs but I have to say I bought the baby some just cause they were soooo cute AND it made my husband die a little.

E said he know Santa is real because we would NEVER buy Crocs lol.

Heather Griffith Brewer said...

Hated Crocs. H A T E D them. Then I finished a half marathon and mocked the Croc stand as I was crawling to the fruit stand. The chipper salesman actually asked if I had ever tried them on. Who effing cares? They're hideous.
Curiosity got the best of me at the running store the next time. Dammit. Mickey was on to something...but he's not wearing a shirt...so really? Who knew?
Pigtails on grown women? No way. My brain goes the direction of bad porn, and I just laugh.
(The word verification was "screark" which I'm pretty sure is the sound that I made when I first saw Crocs...and the picture of your jig.)

Brahm said...

Muy excellente post -- I hate hate hate crocs. So ugly. Should be banned, would rather wear clown shoes. Have not tried them on because don't want to risk chance of hating them less! Love love love the pic of your jig!

The H's said...

I also HATE Crocs....it will be a cold day in hell if they ever touch my feet...unfortunately, some smart a$$ thought it would be funny to buy our boy a pair...possibly to torture me....I hope he drows out of them soon....

Two Moms, Two Monkeys said...

You are really hilarious! You should do stand up! Dancing and all!

amy =) said...

yeah, not a big fan of crocs either, particular the originals. their are some styles that are cuters (and smaller, more normal shaped) but the toe grooves don't fit me feet right.

ellbee said...

Hee! I actually interviewed (and was offered, but turned down) a job at the actual Crocs corporate headquarters. I loathe the shoes, and was just applying for the job because it fit my skill set, not out of any love for the damn things. Imagine my chagrin when the interviewer asked me what style of Crocs was my favorite. ::blink, blink:: I was frantically looking around her office, searching for SOME style of shoe that didn't make me want to poke my eyes out. Still not sure how I managed to get them to offer me a job, anyway.

Stefanie Blakely said...

I'm dying. I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard as I read this...

Crazy Sister said...

I hate them, too, but was forced to get some for yard work cause I HATE flip flops even more. Ew, toe thong, ew ew ew.

Got to say, though, mine aren't as ugly as yours.

Love the dance!

Nic said...

LMFAO!! I could not stop laughing at your post and ur ass hanging out!!
I too hate crocs and pigtails!

Danielle said...

Hate pigtails on adults with the intensity of 1000 suns (also).

Could NOT agree more with the analogy of Crocs to Mickey Mouse, that is 100% how I have felt and the 'you could stand in them for hours cuz thats what surgeons do'. Makes me angry and futile.

But I like that you danced and rocked your silly gift!:)
D

ks and jd said...

Hate Crocs!!! But I do have a pair for taking the dogs out in the backyard... And I totally feel like dancing a jig when I have them on!!! Just call me Minnie, Minnie Mouse watching her doggies poop! LOL!

Jessie W said...

Ahaha! I have a pair of Mickey Mouse crocs that I got while I was in Disney. I wear them everywhere because I'm too lazy to take the time to put on real shoes. :@)

..R.. said...

I hate Crocs AND Mickey Mouse. So looking like Mickey Mouse in Crocs would probably kill me.

But I love Jon LaJoie. DH and I got to see him live at the beginning of the month. Amazing. It was also amazing how stoned he was. Jon LaJoie...not my DH.

Victoria said...

I like pigtails, thank you very much! But then, I am a college student and such ridiculousness is almost forgivable. Crocs are of the devil, though.

P.S. I love your jig. Jazz hands and Mickey Mouse shoes for the win!

Stephanie said...

I think Crocs are douchy as well, however they rock for canoe trips where I have had too much to drink and need something I don't have to tie and that will stay on my feet without much effort from me (because I'm also a clutz).

Minta said...

Come on, now, Crocs have their place. Like... if you happen to be in a lake, shoes that float if they happen to come off = great idea. Or, if you're taking the dog out and it's raining, again plastic foam shoes = good thing. Or, if you want to dance like a clown at work and show your ass off ('cause nobody believes that was an accident!), clown shoes are the way to go :)

That was a great story!

Strawberry said...

While this had me LOLing, it would've been that much better had the crocs been pink. I hate them, too...and UGGs.

Good Egg Hunting said...

You made me laugh very hard with this post. And right now I'm spending most of my day hand wringing about the horrors of childbirth ahead, so congratulations to you on making me laugh. I think that Crocs should go someplace and disappear, along with Uggs (and I'm with you on the pigtails too). Sorry if you have/like Uggs.

Robin said...

This post had me on the floor laughing!!!! Funny stuff, to take me right into 2010. Keep em coming. And Happy New Year to you and your family!

Anonymous said...

I needed this post beyond words today. I was laughing hysterically at my desk! I hate CROCS and pig tails over 7, I knew I Loved you!

Jenifer said...

THank you for making my day a little bit brighter! And I agree wholeheartedly about the crocs. Mickey Mouse is the only one who should be rocking anything like them.

Max's Mommy said...

Oh My Gah! (in the words of my MIL).

Thanks for the laugh today. :O)

K. said...

I hate crocs AND i hate UGG's too. hate me.

renee said...

oh jen...how i love thee. :D i HATE crocs and my mil insists they are the best things ev.er. omg i dont care how effing comfortable they are. slippers are comfy and you dont see me wearing them to home depot do ya?

also, i LOVED the dance. most especially the elaine-esque pic.

Amy said...

I hate Crocs as well...but alas, I have a pair, but the cheap fleece lined kind. They were the only shoes that would fit my hideously swollen ankles and feet during the last few weeks of pg. Hideous shoes to go with the hideous swelling = perfect.

Amy G said...

Crocs are the worst. I got a "fancier" pair of Crocs (they had a rhinestone on them, which qualifies them as fancy). They made my feet smell horrible!

Parsing Nonsense said...

I, too, dislike Crocs. You make them look good, though ;)

milfromhell said...

hahaha. I had no idea that my daughter in law was such an exibitionist,first showing off to your mother now this! Love the blog, made me laugh and makes me know one of the many reasons Mark loves you.

mom2anangel said...

I hate crocs too. But, your post was so funny today that I was crying from laughing and my husband had to know what I was laughing about so I was trying to read it but couldn't...from all the laughing. Anyway, he read it and said "I bet she's really popular around the office now" and then "she should make that a holiday tradition". LOL

Deanna said...

Gettttt OUT!

This has been such a CROC....

And you just have to HATE that...
~~~~~~~

OK .. thought this was perfectly funny.

Amanda said...

Tears...serious tears and the hugest belly laugh that piss poor mood needed today :)

Aunt Becky said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sending you a BIG BOX of Precious Moments dolls now.

Chris and Annalisa said...

I totally agree about the crocs, and oh my gosh about the ass-hanging-out. Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I think I just peed my pants laughing.
kthxbai

PJ said...

Yea, I hate crocs too. I like the pigtail thing, but only on certain people, which does NOT include me!

Kansas said...

You could only have been saved by the presence of a Mojito. lmao!

Courtney said...

that was so funny I read it out loud to my husband. He thinks you're tops.

Shelley said...

I've been trying to downsize the look of my 8.5W feet all my adult life. So to put on a pair of minnie mouse shoes would be crazy.

I agree with you 100% but there is just a tiny part of me that wants to put on a pair for a laugh. Maybe bright yellow.

GeekByMarriage said...

Omg I am freaking dying over here. They do look like Mickey Mouse feet on your tiny little frame of a body! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sarah Trcka said...

I lurv me some Jon Jajoie videos. Seriously, can't get enough of them. Also, love the dance photo, way to rock out those horrible crocs :)

Kimbosue said...

I so feel you on the Crocs! HATE THEM, HATE THEM, HATE THEM! So ugly! They should be used for shower shoes like when you have to shower in a nasty stinky concrete shower while camping. UGH - the holes? The rubber? I also think people look like they have big huge feet like Mickey!
Good thing the Boss was on the phone! Note to self - next time I wear a skirt, check the ass portion constantly to ensure it is indeed, covering the ass.

lori said...

hilarious. crocs work great for newly walking people and people who don't hold still long enough for you to tie or velcro their shoes. not so much for people who have been walking for more than 2 years, though.

can we back up a bit here...why do you keep complaining about your weight?! you are TINY. what size pants are you trying to put on? 18m?? good lord, girl...rock the tininess (with your skirt NOT caught up in your waistband (or otherwise showing your arse while you do the elaine)).

Lori said...

Oh lawd, for the love of all that is good and holy, PLEASE promise me you'll wear your Crocs again sometime and repeat the whole shenanigan. At a grocery store maybe? Or a family gathering? Reading this just now was true highlight of my day.

Stacy Woodruff said...

I think crocs are hideous. That said, I wear them all the time. I got a pair when I was pregnant because first it was too hard to tie my sneakers, then my feet were too swollen to fit in anything but my crocs. Now, nearly 5 months after giving birth, I can't seem to stop wearing them. They are too comfortable. I'm addicted.

The mental image of you dancing and the skirt riding up had me laughing so hard I almost peed myself.

Nikki said...

Oh my god the LULZ. I just laughed so hard my boss came out to see "what's going on out here? are you having fun? not enough work?"

So...thanks for getting me in trouble. But thanks even more for telling us about your ass hanging out during your magic Croc dance.

Evan's mom said...

I'm dying here from laughter. I stumbled upon your blog by accident and this absolutely made my day. You are now a permanent bookmark on another stranger's computer.

Angie said...

Oh...my....god....jen...I laughed at your butt! Now my husbo thinks I'm crazy!