Tuesday, September 22, 2009

You know what's funny? Rugs.

Over the weekend, we went to Target to buy some new throw rugs for the kitchen.

Because someone peed on the old ones, and I don't want to throw anyone under the bus here, but it was either Baxter, Milo, or Mark. You can draw your own conclusions.

But we tried to wash the Pee Rugs and they got totally funky and misshapen. Kind of like my midsection - lumpy and puffy in weird places. And while that does blow a bit of a fatty, I am never really sad to have a valid excuse to spend more money than necessary at Target because Target is pretty much the wind beneath my wings (or flabby sides of arm beef if I'm going for accuracy).

So we go to Target and we strap Olivia into the cart like a big girl. Which, OMFG you guys! She sits up like big girl, the only certainty now is that she will achieve world domination very very soon! And so I say to Olivia, in a perfectly normal voice, "let's go get some rugs."

That statement totally cracked her shit up! Like, belly laughs. And she is not much of a belly laugher. Giggles, yes, but belly laughs are a rare treat usually reserved for times when I yelp from her pulling my hair or digging her fingernails into my nostril.

I kept saying Rugs during our 40 minute Target trip and she cracked up every single time. And later that night, after a nap and a delicious banana dinner, I scored a video of Mark saying Rugs and Olivia laughing. The next day, she was being grouchy before a nap, but would crack a huge grin any time I said Rugs.

Right now I'm in Florida on a business trip. Without Olivia - she's with daddy and grandma - and everytime I think of her laughing about Rugs, I get a huge grin. Which is nice for me, but impretty sure that people think I am high and I fully expect to be presented with a pee cup tomorrow morning.

It can't be Friday soon enough. RUGS!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

7 Months: We're about to be in a world of trouble.

Do you see that? That! Right there? Is a baybee!
The only problem is that her arms? Have not gotten the memo. She does more of an inchworm move. Across the room. To try to put dog toys in her mouth.

The past few weeks have just been out of control. As in, we can no longer control this baybee! This...person! She is getting opinions - like, I don't want green beans GIMMEH MANGO!

And I have to be all NO! YOU CANNOT HAVA THA MANGO!
(And then I slap my ass, because obviously.)

This baybee? Is finally crossing the threshold of being smarter than the dogs.

The dogs? Just hope that we drop some of those green beans. Or mangoes. Or turds, whatever, they'll eat anything.

Olivia lurves her some jumperoo. She gets in there and jumps (in a jumperoo - shocker!!) and yells and plays.

She giggles.
She talks. She says amazing things, like:
GAAAAAAAAH! gagagagagagagaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
BA! BA! BA! .....................BA!

She plays in her crib, and whines when she's ready to come out. If you stand out of her sight, you can watch her yell, then get really quiet and poke her head up to see if anyone came.

Just this week she started handing us her toys. Like, "here, slobber on this!" And then she smiles and takes it back. Rinse, repeat.

The most fun thing to do EVAH! is bang things together.
Except when you bang things together like your smooshy preshus baybee face and your giant plastic flower...then that is the worst thing EVAH!

No! Wait! The boogie sucker is the worst thing EVAH! I know this because we had our first cold. But thanks to the fountain of snot, we learned that Olivia can sit up by herself like a big girl. You know, because she sneezed a giant wad of snot onto her face, and I had to run and get a tissue. She sat up an watched me leave and come back.

Which was pointless because everyone knows the snot just ended up on my hand anyway because little preshus turned her head as soon as I came at her with a tissue.
Is that drool on her chin? Or snot? You just can't tell until you touch it.

We got the green light to try to reintroduce dairy. So we're slowly sneaking in some Gentlease - or, more accurately, the dirt cheap Target ripoff.
Cost of 24 ounces of powder Enfamil Nutramigen AA Lipil? $78
Cost of 24 ounces of Target Gentlease Ripoff? $12
What will I do with all that extra money?
Roll around in it naked because obviously.

She is the best way to start and end a day. Naked money rolling or not.

*Would you totally make fun of me if I told you that Olivia has been saying "Hai" for a month? Like, hi. When you go to get her up from a nap, or when someone comes home.
If you would totally make fun of me: She does not to that.
If you would not totally make fun of me: She says HAI! I swearz!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

And so now I call her Stinkfinger.

I should know better than to proclaim how great everything is. Mah baybee is easy, and blah blah blaaaaaaaah.

Yes, last Thursday I put Olivia to bed and then wrote a smug, lame little entry about how fantastic everything is and how much easier my life is than yours. And then I watched some TV and probably ate, because I love to eat and can't stop doing so even though my pants recently had the police come to my house and try to arrest me because they just couldn't stand being held hostage by my oppressive girth. But I sat down and my stomach roll smothered my pants to death and so it was all OK, no jail.

Anyway. After I put her to bed, I was thinking that I should have cut her fingernails because they were really long. Like, long enough that I thought about maybe dressing her in a red and gray sweater and fedora.

Ah well. I'll cut 'em tomorrow night.

The next morning, Olivia woke up with a...gift for me? In her diaper? It wasn't even mother's day or my birthday or anything!

Changing Olivia is like a wrestling match lately. She wants to ROLL OVER! And CRAWL(ish) AWAY! And EAT WHATEVER IS NEARBY! And shove her foot in my face for some NOM! Sometimes it is amusing, and sometimes it is.not.amusing. There is just no telling which way she will go or what exactly she will do.

Like, who knows? Maybe she will reach down into her poopy diaper at the exact same time that you open it, and come up with four Freddy Krueger fingernails full of poo?!

Or, she will DEFINITELY reach down into her poopy diaper at the exact same time that you open it, and come up with four Freddy Krueger fingernails full of poo!!!

So I am all dressed for work, ready to head out the door to the sitter, and I have to take a break to dig poo out of Olivia's long fingernails. And one might think that is easy, except that she really really really REALLY! wanted to put those poopy fingers in her mouth. In my mouth. In her eye. In my eye. Etcetera, ad nauseum, woe.

And so now I call her Stinkfinger.

It is amazing what comes up on Google Images when you search "stinkfinger."
And by amazing, I mean freaking disgusting.
But this was my favorite:

(No political agenda behind this photo, by the way, so don't bother commenting about how Democrats eat babies or Republicans hump kittens.)
(Unless you are being funny and not assholey, then go ahead.)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Tell me your favorites.

I was just discussing my blog with Mark, and we decided that I am boring right now. I asked him what I should write about, and he looked around the kitchen and then suggested that I write about a blanket. So he is a bevvy of ideas, clearly.

It's all Olivia's fault, really. If you want to blame someone for the suckage of this blog, blame her. When she isn't having horrid reflux, or dangling from her crib, or shitting on someone's floor? Well, I really have nothing interesting to say.

If I can't write about shit, near-death experiences, or vomit, what can I write about, ya know?

Olivia is great right now. Adorable, fun, easy(ish), growing like a weed yet still looking like a 3 month old at almost 7 months. Work is good. Marriage is good. My ass is too fat for all of my pants, but I have a Bella Band so whatever.

(The good news: now that I've told you how good everything is, it is all bound to go to hell. So yay! Blog fodder!)

Ugh. If you haven't clicked away already, which you should have because this post is awful and boring...

Tell me - what are you reading these days? Blogs, I mean. I purged a lot of things from my Google Reader recently. And by a lot, I mean that I went from 304 subscriptions to 27.