Thursday, February 25, 2010

Let Me Just Go Grab My Checkbook...

(Sorry for the repost of my Guest.  I want to have it on my blog, too!  New post coming tomorrow, while I steal Internet from the Panera parking lot.)

That was my response to Jillian Michaels a few weeks ago.  When I first started the 30 Day Shred.  "You don't get abs like these for free, people!"  She yells, as she helps someone do crunches.  Someone with abs that would probably break your face if you looked at them wrong.

Yeah, well, at that point, I was ready to pay someone to shred my abs while I soaked in a nice bubble bath.  Preferably, someone good looking, muscular, who loves my jokes and wants to feed me chocolates instead of encouraging me to work out.

I want to hate Jillian Michaels, just on principal.  Workout videos are obnoxious.  I hate when people try to motivate me, it just annoys me.  I also hate when people with perfect bodies try to tell me how easy it is to jump around for thirty minutes.  And I can't watch The Biggest Loser because all of the grunting and crying makes me want to claw out my own eyes, or just change the channel to something more respectable.  Like Jersey Shore.

So many valid reasons why I should hate Jillian.  But the truth is that I have a strange girl crush on her.  I've been doing The Shred three days a week for almost a month, and I must say...that bitch means business.  There is a whole side-lunge thing combined with an arm exercise that has me  all sweaty and groaning like something dirty is happening in my living room. 

Yes, I groan and grunt like a 400 pound Biggest Loser contestant.  It is about as attractive as it sounds.

BUT, I have lost about 5 pounds.  And the workout that once made me leak profanities from the blackest part of my soul?  Is not so hard.  I still have more rolls than a bakery, but I can notice a difference underneath the dough.  And I've been able to work in three days a week of running on the treadmill along with Jillian.  I'm like two workouts away from being able to give my husband a piggy back ride to the Taco Bell drive through.

Why am I hogging up Beverley's blog to tell you this?  Well, because I am a slutty whore.  That's why.  Because I'm a slutty whore, and I'm ready to change it up and cheat on Jillian.  And I'd like your help, because you are smart and pretty and your ass looks fantastic in those pants.

What workouts do you love?  What workout gurus do you love to hate?  Do you make naughty noises while you workout? 

10 comments:

Sarah said...

http://www.amazon.com/Crunch-Super-SlimDown-Pilates-Blend/dp/B000CEXF8I/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1267145804&sr=8-5

http://www.amazon.com/Crunch-Burning-Pilates-Ellen-Barrett/dp/B00009V7QF/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1267145804&sr=8-8

That being said...

I HATE JILLIAN. With every fiber of my being.

But...you're right, bitch does not play. I lost 20lbs over the summer doing 30 days shred and those two listed above. I've since gained it all back( I FUCKING LOVE fertility treatments!!) But the point is, Jillian is the devil...but she kicked my ass right into shape. Every time I convince myself to do the DVD I end up sweating and cursing like a french whore in a gang bang...it aint purty.

The Thai Family said...

I use Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds workouts... they can be VERY ANNOYING but they certainly aren't as kick ass as Jillian but some are more challenging than others so they aren't a waste of time. I did a variety of them to lose 51 lbs after our second was born. I'm back at it now and am only 9 lbs away from my pre-preggo weight with our third.

Mrs. Higrens said...

I like Denise Austin - but you might want to hate her because she looks pretty damn good for having not one but two kids of her own.

And she can be annoyingly peppy. But always has a couple of people with her showing different levels so you can work yourself up and not want to kill yourself because it's 'sooooo haaard'.

Jill said...

I agree that Denise Austin puts out some good workouts, but her "pep" would probably drive you nuts.

I did the Turbo Jam workouts for a while. I thought they were a blast (and I HATE working out, so that's pretty major for me to say that) and saw great results, but now I'm in horrible shape and I'm scared sh*tless to try it again.

I think you would get a kick out of Yoga Booty Ballet. I mean, don't go out and buy it - see if you can rent it maybe? The name itself is just funny, but the leaders are these two middle-aged women who do moves such as the one they call "bad kitty"...and it kind of makes you throw up in your mouth a little when they say it :)
But its a nice, light workout and good for a laugh.

I started 30 day shred today, UGGGGHHHH!

Emily said...

Um, you lost 5 lbs doing the shred 3 days plus treadmill? f$ck! I have shredded for a total of 28 days. The first time I did 14 days in a row. L1 for 10 days, L2 for 4 days. Then I hurt my ankle. had to rest it for 8 days. Started the shread again, have been doing it for another 14 days straight. Did L1 for 5 days, and L2 for 9 days. I have lost, maybe 1 lb!!! *jealous of you!*

I have been shredding my ass off. Sweating puddles on the floor. Killing myself. I have noticed my C-section disgusting gut has subsided quite a bit. My legs are stonger. I'm starting to get pipes. But weight loss? Zilch. Clue me in! I eat quite well! What the frack!?

Jayne said...

Don't worry Emily, muscle is heavy! Last time I was on a program and did body compositions to measure progress, the 1lb I had GAINED was muscle -> lost 5lb fat, gained 1lb muscle - awesome!
Keep going girls - to quote Rob Schneider in, like, every Adam Sandler movie "You can dooo-it!"

Jayne said...

Oops - lost 5lb fat, gained 6lb muscle - for net gain of 1lb
:)

thelushers said...

Jillian's got two other DVDs, Boost Your Metabolism & No More Trouble Zones, that manage to put me back in my place when I think I'm all hotshit for doing well at The Shred. Jillian's pretty ruthless, but I kinda like her too....

Anabelle said...

I like Denise Austin too, and her fun dancing workouts make working out fun!

of course you know I like the Couch to 5k... running for life! hehe

and no, i dont' make any noises... but it sure sounds like fun ;)

Shelly said...

I love the Shred too! Did you notice that Jillian has a thing for Natalie (the "helper" who does the advanced exercises)? Watch how she giggles over her and touches her...yep, definite "thing" going on there.

Yesterday I was walking (first time it was nice enough to get out in months) and I could hear her in my ear, "Those thigh muscles should be BURNING!" (They were)