Olivia? Is going to be one this weekend. ONE. As in, an entire year old. I can not believe it, and I'll tell you who else can not believe it: My Lady Business. She has not stopped bitching about the trauma of her birth, what with her I'm So Dry and Ouch Ouch Scar Tissue routine. A real complainer, that one. It's like, she produces the miracle of life then expects everyone to treat her all special.
But anyway, I was tempted to make my first line, "holy fuck, you guys, I have to stop swearing." But then I thought better of it, because you know, I do have some self control. Not to mention standards.
Paragraph 3, it is!
Seriously, though. I love to swear. I love it. I love to swear, and mix swear words to make new swear words. I love to make fun of people who say Fudge and Shucks and Darn by calling them Assholes and possibly giving them the finger.
Except I have a one year old (!!!) and she is starting to imitate the noises we make. And it won't be long before she's all, "I can't stand Jay Leno, he is a total twatwaffle." And then I'll laugh, and she'll know it's funny, then she'll go on a playdate and call some other kid a twatwaffle, and then they won't want to be friends with the lady whose kid says Twatwaffle.
But there is hope, because the Internet is helpful and you guys leave me really funny comments so I know that I can count on you to help me find satisfying, kid-friendly substitutes for my favorite swearz.
My Favorite Cusses:
Shut the fuck up.
Bitch face killah! (I honestly have no idea why.)
Dear, sweet, pretty, skinny, perfect-skinned Internet friends - help me replace my favorite swears!
One Year Ago: Next Pregnancy Will Be Jimmy Dean's Love Child
Two Years Ago: Fun With Drug Paraphernalia