Can I press assault charges against a goose?
I was minding my own business, walking to my car so that I could spend ridiculous sums of money at Toys R Us, when I was assaulted.
By a goose.
It is quite possible that this asshole goose was after me for whatever crumbs were surely all over my body. I can't leave the house without some crevice being shoved full of debris - puffs/yogurt/graham cracker/snot/booger/macaroni and cheese (it is the cheesiest)/etcetera.
Whatever it was, this goose was all over my ass. Like a bum on a bologna sandwich. And he had a friend (whose head you can see looming over to the left in the picture below). It was like, a Gang Goosing...Geese-ing? Whatever. One goose away from a Gaggle Bang, is what I'm getting at.
Hey Laydee! Is that a drumstick in your armpit?
Hand it over, bitch!
I tried to take a photo of the Goosehole while he was snapping at my ankles, but I was clearly under duress and was unable to...press buttons. While I screamed. I was too startled to even swear. I was all, "AHHHH! WHAT GOOSE?! HALP! GOOOOOOOOOOOSE! GET! AHHHHH!"
And then, of course, I stepped in a giant pile of goose shit on my way back into the office after lunch.
Two Years Ago: Assault By Mail