Thursday, March 4, 2010

I need legal advice about a very important matter.

Can I press assault charges against a goose?

I was minding my own business, walking to my car so that I could spend ridiculous sums of money at Toys R Us, when I was assaulted.

By a goose.

It is quite possible that this asshole goose was after me for whatever crumbs were surely all over my body.  I can't leave the house without some crevice being shoved full of debris - puffs/yogurt/graham cracker/snot/booger/macaroni and cheese (it is the cheesiest)/etcetera.

Whatever it was, this goose was all over my ass.  Like a bum on a bologna sandwich.  And he had a friend (whose head you can see looming over to the left in the picture below).  It was like, a Gang Goosing...Geese-ing?  Whatever.  One goose away from a Gaggle Bang, is what I'm getting at.

Hey Laydee! Is that a drumstick in your armpit? 
Hand it over, bitch!

I tried to take a photo of the Goosehole while he was snapping at my ankles, but I was clearly under duress and was unable to...press buttons.  While I screamed.  I was too startled to even swear.  I was all, "AHHHH!  WHAT GOOSE?!  HALP!  GOOOOOOOOOOOSE!  GET! AHHHHH!" 

And then, of course, I stepped in a giant pile of goose shit on my way back into the office after lunch. 

---

Two Years Ago:  Assault By Mail

24 comments:

Jorden and Kristin said...

oh thats too funny! my friend used to have a goose that would ALWAYS attack you! I was scared of it all the time!

C said...

Those geese are mean bastards!

HereWeGoAJen said...

When we feed the ducks in the morning, there are a couple of ducks that I refer to as the "cheeky ducks" that are WAY too pushy. I've seriously sent the dog at them a couple of times to threaten them. (And of course, I say, out loud, "I WILL let my dog eat you, duck.")

Oh, and my parents' old golf course had a swan that used to attack people. Once, someone had to beat it off with a golf club. Then they had to take it to the vet. Then it went back to attacking people.

claire said...

I'd be careful playing hardball with geese, i hear they have really good lawyers, Ducks? i think?

*~*Lis*~* said...

*I tried to take a photo of the Goosehole*

I actually pee'd my pants a little when I read this - seriously I need to go change now!

Alicia said...

O.M.fricken.G.
I am terrified of geese.
Like that unnatural it'll-peck-my-eyes-out-given-half-a-chance kind of fear.

Thanks for the nightmares:(

areyoukiddingme said...

While I'm almost entirely certain that you cannot press charges against a goose, I don't think anyone would care if you shot him and took his carcass home to make it into a lovely dinner. :)

Goosehole...

Yeah, I'm stealing that.

amy =) said...

i was once assaulted by a goose, it was the white variety as opposed to the canadian variety that attacked you. it bit my lip, of course i was about 3 and at the zoo, but i've been scared of them ever since. also, that was my family nickname

kimbosue said...

What a goosehole! Ha! Love that one.

And isn't more than 1 goose called a gaggle? Idk

Mary said...

My husband went jogging around a pond a few years ago, and on his first trip around, a goose hissed at him. Second trip, the goose waddled into the trail and honked. Third trip, it came at him in the air, wings flapping, in full attack mode. My husband did the only thing he could think of: he punched the goose directly in the chest. It squawked and flew off to the middle of the lake.

Only then did my husband look down and see the little cheeping fluffball the goose had been trying to protect. *gah*

Mandy and Jack said...

LOL. You actually got goosed by a goose. Brilliant.

Laura said...

So, when I lived down "south" (as in southern MN), I went to work. All la dee da. I worked 3pm to 11 pm. I parked in an open parking lot. I had a nice shift and was anticipating a lovely drive home. But NOOOOOO. I was goosalted from the air. SO MUCH GOOSE S*!T!!!! ALL OVER MY CAR! I kid you not. IT was EVERYWHERE! So, the next day I went through this car wash where people actually wash your car. The guy that I had to pay looked at me and was like, "No, way." It was horribly, horribly embarrasing. So anyway, if you're suing. I would like to get in on that lawsuit, because there are a whole flock of geese down in southern MN who deserve the chair!

Anonymous said...

You are my hero.

Mrs.Joe said...

"gagglebang" made me almost pee my pants. Ok - maybe I did pee a little. This brightened my morning. Thanks!

Annegirrl said...

I'm pretty sure those particular types of geese are protected by the government. They must have paid them off or they have diplomatic immunity with their Canadian credentials and shit.

Either way, I think you're screwed and will lose a suit.

'Murgdan' said...

*snort* ...'goosehole'

May you heal from your trauma quickly....

Minta said...

Geese suck! Damn migratory bird act.

Carrie said...

How are you so stinking funny? This post just made my day. Thanks for making me laugh so hard!

Jaime said...

Your blog seriously makes my day! You are hillarious :)

Molly said...

Did you wipe the goose shit on the treadmill of the "Lights Out Lady"? Not like she'd see it or anything...

kmina said...

Information is knowledge. ;-)
And if it works for ducks, perhaps it could work for geese as well.
http://friendsofirony.com/2010/02/24/ironic-photos-why-are-you-hyperventilating/

JenJen said...

A swan once tried to eat my one-year-old. I almost choked it out and fed it to some nearby giant coy fish. Those big birds need to be eaten or extinct. End of story.

http://jensbattlebook.blogspot.com/

Karen said...

Seriously some of these geese need to be reminded that in centuries gone buy they were a favorite holiday dinner, more favored than the turkey.

Loretta said...

You could take a cue from some frat boys at my alma mater and carry some golf clubs around with you to defend yourself. Just make sure it's not a Canadian goose b/c evidently clubbing an endangered species is a felony.