Friday, April 30, 2010

Adventures in Real Estate

On Wednesday, we had another Get Out of the House Situation so that people could come and view our lovely home.  Which is good.  You want people to view your lovely home when it is for sale. 

You know what else is nice?  When people want to buy your lovely home.  Or, I imagine it is nice.  I have yet to experience it, but I bet it feels like rainbows and unicorns and success all rolled into a giant happiness-filled burrito.

So we're out of the house and we have to stay out past Olivia's bedtime.  Which, you know.  You already know.  I won't make you want to stab your eyes out with further description of the obvious horror of the situation.

Truth be told, I was feeling pretty good about the situation.  We were eating at Applebee's (because we are super fancy) and everyone was just generally adoring our attention whore cute, well-behaved daughter.  AND it was half price appetizers.  I mean, it simply does not get any better than a attention whore well-behaved daughter saying DUCKY! to other customers sitting patiently while you tear into some half price mozzarella sticks  enjoy a small side salad.

Until Olivia starts grunting.
And at first I'm all, oh that's funny she's grunting.
Then her face turns red and her entire area smells like a cow pasture.
Oh noes.  She pooped right here in this very Applebee's.  That is not fancy at all.  And I'm pretty sure we were dealing with The Smelliest Diaper Ever Soiled.

I realize that public poop in itself is not a crisis.  I did bring a diaper bag, so all was not lost.  And, there was one of those super sanitary koala changing stations so clearly I lead a charmed life. 

I try to pull out a paper cover from the dispenser, but it's crammed so full that I can't get one and keep ripping tiny chunks.  So I take the cloth changing pad out of my diaper bag and prepare to super mom the shit out of The Smelliest Diaper Ever Soiled.

Oh, my friends.  FAIL.  Colossally.

I'm telling you, this child has not shit up her back since she was 2 months old.  Until today.  There was shit everywhere.  And of course Olivia is completely tired and hyper and rolling all over the place with her shitty back and her shitty shirt and her shitty shitty bang bang oh-my-god-i-am-going-to-die-at-an-Applebees. 

I wouldn't be surprised if someone recorded me in the restroom and posted it on You Tube because I?  I don't even know what I was saying.  Probably something along the lines of "shitty shitty bang bang" in a high-pitched freaking out voice.

I bet that you already guessed that I only had 4 wipes in my diaper bag, and that the wrapper was partially open so they were completely dry.  And that I had to carry a bare-assed toddler out in front of me to get paper towels in order to finish the job.  And that I had poop in my fingernails and got everything around me wet trying to hold Olivia while I washed my hands.  AND that I stress ate about 4000 more calories afterwards.

And our house is still for sale.


34 comments:

Minta said...

Dontcha just love how they pick the least possible opportune time to take a monster shit like that?

Charbelle said...

I laughed out loud!!! I mean I know this wasn't funny at the time but someday you will tell this story to her when she is in high school and she will want the floor to swallow her up because she is so mortified, and it will be funny all over again! Good luck on selling the house!

Jackie said...

OMG, that sucks! But the mention of a burrito makes me hungry :)

Jersey Beth said...

So here I am, starting a FET cycle, and OMFG remembering those smelly public blowout diapers from when my (now 7) son was little. And laughing cause, of course, that couldn't happen to me!! That only happens to lovely women who needs stuffs to write about! HA!!
Beth

Crossed Fingers said...

hahahahaha - I'm laughing WITH you, I promise.

DJK said...

I'm dying over here!! SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG!

My wife sent me the link to this post...and I'm pretty sure we both just peed our pants. Where are those dry wipes when we need them?

Anonymous said...

That is the funniest shitty shitty bang bang I have read in a long time. Thank you.

Laurel said...

Oh well I remember the baby-out-of-the-house-while-agent-is-showing-it-days. Fun, they were not. Our son was six months and we lived out in the sticks. The worst was a day that he had just had vaccinations (which previously had not been a big deal). I took him out in the carrier for a walk, and it must have pressed right on a painful shot site because he started WAILING like I had never heard before or since. He wouldn't stop and I was sitting there in a baking hot car on a rural road trying to comfort him to no avail. He couldn't even latch on to the boob, he was so miserable. I got him up the road to our neighbors' (they were at home thank dog) and burst in the door, crying miserably myself by that time.

On the upside, our neighbors were super nice, gave him Tylenol and me tea, and everything was OK, and one day our house sold. But that day sucked.

We've had poop disasters too, though fortunately on other days.

Emily said...

Thank you!! Thank you!!! For making me laugh till I cried.

4 week old + 2 year old = needs good laugh.... and you have provided!

Chicago Mom (Heather) said...

Ok this might be your funniest post ever.

I can SO RELATE to those kind of baby blowout poops but thank you baby jesus I've never had one in a public place. Especially a place as fancy as Applebees. :-)

Stephanie said...

Oh. Blowouts are the worst. Good luck with selling your house! Where are all those people who want a first-time homebuyers credit. It ends today, people!!! (as if I needed to tell you that.) :)

Mel said...

Poop like that ONLY happens in public places. And at least there was a changing station! Last time we had one of those, the 7-11 didn't even have one of those. I had to clean crap off my baybee on the FLOOR of the 7-11 bathroom. I might as well have rolled her around in a garbage can.

Thanks for the laugh!

Kate said...

This is by far the funniest blog post I have ever read. Ever. I laughed until tears poured down my face. Probably because my baby girl did this to me on an Amtrak train, and I was remembering trying to give her a sponge bath in the tiny Amtrak train bathroom--which has no changing table, of course, so I had to perch on the toilet seat while she rolled around in her own poop on the floor, gleefully mashing her hands in the clothes I was trying to keep clean. I feel your Applebee's pain.

EllenCas1974 said...

That's awesome. I just changed a stinkopotamus diaper in the parking lot of Target yesterday because it was too bad to even put him in the cart and get him in the store. Thank God for hatchbacks!

Rebecca said...

Our house was for sale for an entire year and we finally gave up leaving for showings. We would even be eating dinner like nothing was going on...my kids got so used to it, they woulnd't even stop eating or acknowledge people were in our house. It was clearly a great parenting moment on my behalf.

Also, the crappy diaper bit....you should have just put her in the sink and gave her an Applebee's bath. It would have been a great youtube moment.

DJK said...

Applebee's gives me the shits, too.

Betsy said...

i just laughed out loud at work, sending you good home selling vibes, and worrying about your fingernails! :)

JennloveAustin said...

I'm sorry but I had to laugh out loud at that one!

Aunt Becky said...

They always shit when you don't expect them to. Asshole babies.

Kelley said...

The exact same thing happened to me at Applebee's. Haven't been back since.

Kahla said...

OMG, that is freaking hilarious - mostly because it didn't happen to me, although now it probably will because I laughed at you and we know karma is a Bitch like that.

Maggie Fuller said...

I love you b/c I think we are the same person (creepy, right?). Seriously though. I found out my FET failed today (I know, be thankful I had 2 frozen embryos to transfer and spend 4K to find out they didn't stick). Anyway, so we decided to go out to eat with Charlotte to cheer us up. She decided to scream every 5 minutes - where everyone was looking at us, and she was flirting with a chubby 11 year old, and throwing food everywhere (but not a shocker). I just went to check on her not 10 minutes ago and her room stunk and I knew she had a massive poop in her diaper. So, I put the crib rail down and changed her right in the crib. I will find out tomorrow what I got on the sheets. But when I came downstairs to wash my hands - poop in my fingernails!!!!!!

Told you.

Jess said...

I have to admit, I was smiling at your trouble. I remember this happening one time when my little brother was 1 1/2, at DISNEY WORLD, of all places. The bathroom was dirty, FILLED with people, and tons of little kids were yelling "EWWW! POOOPPPP! EVVVVVERYWHERE!" I think my mom was very close to snapping.

Shelly said...

Great post. We're in the lovely world of trying to pull off showings with a toddler as well. Good luck and hope your house sells soon.

Candice said...

I laughed so hard I cried through the whole thing, while tried to read it to my husband who couldn't understand me because I was laughing/crying hysterically! Great post!

PJ said...

Um yea, I can't help myself.

What a crappy post! :)

Cernanec Family said...

Yeah, so one of our girls did that at El Rodeo a few months back. Only we thought we would be crafty and change her in the back of the minivan. I say "we" because I made my husband come with me to assist. Yes, it was a 2-man-blow-out. Actually, turns out it was a 3-man-blow-out and we were one man short. Shit was EVERYWHERE. It was so bad that my rock star husband held our preshus baybee out in front of him while I attempted to peel her pants off. I then proceeded to un-velcro her diaper and let it drop to the ground in the middle of the effing parking lot (mmmm, El Rodeo patron enjoying your window seat lunch, how are your refried beans tasting now???) And the clean-up was just as disastrous. I wiped her entire body down as she dangled from my husband's hands. Shit smeared so badly that I couldn't even lie my kid down to clean her. I don't even know how that happens! Eventually the job was done, and not only did we dump the diaper and the 50 wipes that accompanied said diaper. But we also dumped her outfit. Even "Shout" wasn't going to take care of that mess.

So, yeah, you should feel good that you could at least take care of business in the bathroom, rather than the parking lot.

tracyl said...

that totally happend to me at applebee's with my little boy. i took wipes & 1 diaper w me then had to ask a total stranger to have my hubby bring the diaper bag w a clean outfit to the bathroom.
ooooo...we are so fancy!

Anonymous said...

I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard! The only reason I feel okay about that is because I COMPLETELY understand what you were going through. Been there. Done that. I'm so sorry you had to experience it, too.

KLTTX said...

Funniest post EVER! We've all been there and hate it at the time but it sure is funny to ready about someone else's misfortune. I don't even carry an extra change of clothes anymore but I really should.

Thumbnails said...

OMG that was so funny I cried! We've all been there, but you described it MUCH better! I still have the $24 onesie (that shrunk after 1 wash)I had to buy for my 18 mo old after she had a blowout at the Shedd Aquarium. You are too funny. Good luck with your house!

Erin said...

You have the best poop stories ever!

Shauna said...

You crack me up!! Love your stories!!!!!

poosemommy said...

Oh no! I've been there (thankfully not recently) Mine usually were kind enough to do those blowouts at home, and I just put them in the tub and sprayed them down with the hand-held shower sprayer (except for that one time in the front yard with the garden hose...)
I'm SO fancy!
And leaving the house for the looky-lous? You know how I sold my house? Some realtor knocked on the door with her client "I know we didn't call first". Screw it, come on in. 7 month old in nothing but a diaper, me in ratty old pj's watching 7th Heaven and folding a MOUNTAIN of laundry, Hubs trying to kill me with his eyes because the only clean room in the house was the nursery (because nobody but the cats slept in there). She bought it. For our asking price. I like to think she could picture her family in it because of our sloth, but I probably know better! ;)