Sunday, May 9, 2010

Worlds Collide: Photographic Proof!

What's a girl to do when her boss signs for her Fed Ex full of 2inch ass needles and other fertility-related drug paraphernalia?

Right.  Take pictures!

Now, since I'm such a positive person, I'm being totally optimistic about this whole FET thing even though the success rate is...well, not in my favor, or in anyone's favor really if you look at the numbers.  But I have a lovely vagina, a beautiful cervix, and a uterus that could kick that ass of your uterus any day (if your uterus had an ass).  So let's just assume that I'll fall in the 40% success rate, even though I have shitty luck and generally skew the numbers of suckage in everyone else's favor all of the time by taking one for the team in all horrible situations.

Basically?  This Fed Ex package?  Is my next baybee.  See me gaze lovingly at my next baybee:


Oh, what, Fed Ex Baybee, is you hungee?  Well, let me try to breast feed you!  Breast is best, after all, if you haven't heard.


Could I be any more of an obvious titty quitter?  Perhaps my nursing experience with Olivia was so piss poor because I was shoving her face into my side boob instead of my nipple?

Perhaps I will supplement with poison formula, as well.  I'm all out of bottles, so this kid will just have to choke it down out of a water bottle.



It is very important to burp your baybee.  Even if it isn't a Fed Ex Baybee.  But what's nice about a Fed Ex Baybee is that it can't vomit on your shoulder.  I mean, you still run the risk of being stabbed with a needle, but you will not smell like vomit so at the end of the day?  You win.  You just might be wearing a band-aid is all.


I would like to take the opportunity to point out that the Fed Ex Baybee is very happy, despite having two different sized ears and a pubic hair on its head.  What can I say?  I make happy baybees! 

(Also?  I did not pick out that picture on the office wall.  Just saying.)

We've all heard of the EASY method, right?  Eat, Activity, Sleep, You Time!  Now that the Fed Ex baybee has a nice full belly, it's time to play!  Goochie Goochie Goo, Fed Ex Baybee!


And now it's time for sleep.  For the baybee.  Not for me.  I should probably do some work.  But make sure you swaddle your baybee tight!  It's a girl, but only because I had a pink shirt in my gym bag.  But maybe we'll have another girl, and Mark will be destined to deal with PMS times three?  You have to admit, you're waiting anxiously for the blog fodder from that situation.


Big shout out to my coworker, Melissa.  She took the photos (she's my main photographer, remember this shot?) and is also forced to Deal With Me daily.  Last week, she broke her front tooth on an orange, and I offered to make her famous by posting a picture on my blog.  But she declined, not sure why.

--  <-----My segue, since I'm such an excellent writer.

And I can't go without saying Happy Mother's Day, to everyone who considers themselves to be a mom, and to everyone who wants to be a mom, and...ya know.  Mother's Day is hard for people, and so I think we should all just eat a big ass cookie and enjoy this Sunday.  Happy Cookie Sunday?  Does that work for everyone?

-- <-----And, again.  For Good Measure.

One Year Ago: Mother's Day and Other Such Nonsense
Two Years Ago: Jen's Top Ten List of Things That Suck

27 comments:

Allison said...

Aw, congrats! Your new baybee is adorable!

Happy Cookie Sunday to you as well. I already obliged without being aware it was a holiday. So I shall oblige again. (That's the rule, right? Right.)

'Murgdan' said...

Happy Mother's Day Cookie Sunday to you...and what a cute boxy new baybee you have there.

FET works sometimes, yo! Fer realz. Living proof here. And soon to be more living proof if he ever decides to make his exit.

I'm wishing you all the success rate-age out there.

May cookies make everything perfect today...

PJ said...

Really, the success rate on FET's is only 40%? I thought it was higher.

I thought my FET was much easier than the fresh cycles, although I felt like it took forever to do. I think I was on Lupron for like 45 days or something ridiculous!

I'm excited for you!!!

Superstar said...

I've had two cupcakes so far today. Does that count? Maybe it should be Happy Big Ass Cupcake Day.

rebecca said...

Happy Mothers's/Cookie Sunday:) You are freaking hilarious...loved this post! I too had to have my fed ex packages delivered at work & went through a bit of a scare when one was almost lost (work at a large hospital so it could have ended up anywhere)! Thankfully all ended up being okay. Wishing you best of luck with this FET cycle:)

Emily said...

please stop being so funny. i woke my husband who is napping on MY couch on MY Mother's Day. now he's grouchy. kthxbi.

Rebecca said...

I'm pretty sure you need to change the baybee's diaper......Happy Mothers Day!

christine said...

Ah! I love your posts! A long time reader here and I just had to comment on this one as I was feeling all crabby on this day...but now that it is officially Happy Cookie Sunday, I'm feeling a lot happier!

So, thanks! And, all the best to you on your upcoming FET!

Erin said...

OMGah, Fex Ex baybee is so stinkin' cute. I want one. I'm so exited for you (SQUEEE!!) and can't wait to laugh along the way... BTW, Olivia is going to be so adorable when she's screaming jealous of the new baybee!

*~*Lis*~* said...

Good luck with the FET!!

And please stop linking to the Big Show Shuffle because I seriously piss myself everytime I read it. And I've read it like 50 times

K said...

I love the new baby!! LOL
Have faith in you FET, I am 27 weeks prego with a SET FET!!!

Alyssa said...

Oh, congrats, it looks just like you!
So I have questions and I'm wondering if you'll answer them in upcoming posts because I'm nosy and in my mind we're friends and I can come over for pie and also ask you questions.
Does your insurance stuff cover three tries total of IVF, or three tries per baby? Do you have things you'll want to do differently (stay home longer or shorter, make Mark stay home longer - this gets my vote, by the way - try breastfeeding again, do other things that apparently bring on the wrath of the internet and the Mommy wars for reasons I don't fully grasp)?

Dana said...

I am seriously LMAO off here.
Are you feeling ok??? ;)

areyoukiddingme said...

I think I want to work where you work...not that I couldn't do that kind of thing at my current job, but there are no fun people to serve as my photographer. Much luck with the FET - I hope you beat the odds for a change!

Kitty said...

You look cute and skinny in all of these pictures. Clearly your lunch workouts are doing you right!
What ever happened with the turn-out-the-lights lady?

Anonymous said...

FedEx Baybee reminds me a bit of Wilson in The Castaway. Thank you for making me laugh. :) -Katie

Lauren said...

I think this may be one of my favorite posts. What an adorable FedEx baybee you have there! You always have the cutest kids. ;) Happy Mother's Day to you, and good luck on your next mommy venture!

Mrs. Higrens said...

Oh man, I thought it was Happy -Brownie- Day. Whatever. Still yummy.

Laura said...

Your Fed Ex Baybee is adorable! Possible the most adorable Fed Ex Babybee I have EVER seen! Crossing my fingers that your FET works......

ABLynch said...

OMG can you totally come and be my coworker? My coworkers are so not funny. Though one is kinda batshit crazy, but not in a good way. In the really really scary way.

Congrats on your new arrival!!

Parsing Nonsense said...

Happy Mother's Day to you too, I'm sure you'll have two babies this time next year!

Aunt Becky said...

Your baby is kinda sexy. Is that weird to say?

Shanny said...

That is the cutest Fed Ex Baybee I've ever seen! And of course the mommy is also the cutest =)
GL with the FET!!!

Tasha said...

Again, I am sitting here 30 weeks pregnant with twins from a FET after 3 failed cycles, you need 2 FedWx Baybees ;)

Jaci said...

Wait, I'm NOT supposed to shove the baby's face into my side boob? Oh, that's right! I'm supposed to do like the nurses at my hospital did--pinch the baby's cheeks until she screams, pinch my boob until it puckers, and then mash boob and baby together until baby a.)latches, or b.) smothers and dies.

Good luck with your box of goodies!

Crossing My Fingers said...

This post is hilarious! Way to keep it positive and good luck with FET!

InfertileNaomi said...

Your box baby is gorgeous! Welcome back to the land of infertility. It's great here! :)