Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Woe is pee.

I had my first OB appointment last week.  It was mostly uneventful, but started off with soul-crushing disappointment.

I am a pretty amazing pee-er.  I mean, it takes some amazing skill to have a HUMAN in your stomach, sticking out like a watermelon, and still be able to aim your pee stream into a small sample cup every week.  It was a major source of pride for me to pull up a full cup with a dry hand.

Naturally, I was excited to nail my first pee of this pregnancy.  This will be my last pregnancy and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't up for the challenge of peeing in a cup with TWO HUMANS in my stomach.  I am a winner, after all, and I require many challenges to keep my killer skills fresh.  Bring it, multiples!  I will pee around your collective asses!

Imagine my surprise when I arrived to find a whole new setup in the OB restroom.  Apparently, the normal, small, skill requiring pee cups are reserved ONLY for those dirty bitches who have an infection.  And they're serious about this, because the sign was in all caps, like this:

THESE AWESOME LITTLE SKILL REQUIRING CUPS ARE ONLY FOR YOU DIRTY BITCHES WITH AN INFECTION. KTHXBAI.

It is possible that I'm slightly off on the wording a bit, but it was almost exactly like that. 

So now I have no way to boost my self esteem, besides showing a doctor my vagina on the reg again (which, come on - it does make me feel pretty and popular).  Now?  I have to pee into a giant cup which requires no skill whatsoever.

Woe.  Woe is pee.


My appointment was uneventful.  Showed my vag, bewbies were fondled, dignity questioned.  I had to take everything off for my exam, and of course I sounded like a complete pistachio when I was all, "everything?  Because I have this fear of being naked when you come back and you'll have told me to only take off my pants."  And she was all, "uh...everything."

I go back in a month for my 1 hour glucose and my NT scan.

I got a prescription for Zofran, and guess what?  It doesn't do shit for me.  As in: it doesn't help my All The Live Long Day Sickness, and it does not allow me to take a much needed dump.  So...if you need me, you'll find me lying in bed, most likely.  Much like Brian Wilson.  Please don't take offense when I dry heave in your face.

39 comments:

Laura said...

Try thee some Phenergan. Or compazine. Or ginger candies...or just laying in bed. But glad all is well, sorry about the big pee cups....

HereWeGoAJen said...

I'm so sorry about your pee disappointment. Perhaps you should picket and maybe you can bring about Change.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Laura on the Phenergan. I am about a week ahead of you and it has been my BFF for the past 3 weeks. Of course, I'm not rockin multiples, but my single bean is obviously related to the rest of my family and gets a big kick out of reeking havoc in my daily life!

Lisa said...

I'm sure you would have dominated that picky ass tiny cup. You are way better than those infectious whores.

Enjoy your last pregnancy!

*~*Lis*~* said...

I have to know what it says on that cup...

sorry about the sick - as I mentioned with my twinners I was sicker in the beginning but it went away sooner. Although I was sick with my singleton until like well labor so that might not be saying much.

Hope you're better soon!

Rebecca said...

Maybe you can bring your own tiny cup to pee in...try a shot glass and then pour your shot glass sample into the bigger cup........trickery!

Denise said...

Zofran took about two weeks of a constant level in my system before it helped. And it never took the nausea away, just the vomiting. Oh, and colace was a must with it. I feel for ya!

Two Moms, Two Monkeys said...

Oh Zofran sucks! I was so sick with my now 15 month old twins that I was taken off work for weeks 8-16...hope you do better than I did!

(I know I'm just a ball of sunshine right?)

Molly said...

Just a quick story to (hopefully) make you laugh. It's about taking too many clothes off at the doctor...

I used to work for an eye doctor. No clothes removal necessary. One of the technicians was prepping her and, when finished, said, "OK, the doctor will be in shortly" and left. The doctor (A good-looking male) arrived in her room to quite the surprise...she was sitting there in her bra and underwear!!!! Oops!

Hopefully you always have on enough clothes...

Sonya said...

love the writing style. i'll be following along! sonya

Michelle said...

I am so very, very jealous of your pee skills. Once knocked up, my pee-er seems to malfunction. Getting a few measly drops in a cup pretty much requires me to take a shower afterwards, as pee goes everywhere EXCEPT the damn cup.

Do you have the 8 mg Zofran that melts on your tongue? Regular old 4 mg tablets that required swallowing with (gag) water did nothing for me.

Kansas said...

Try Activia for, ahem, the eh, "digestive" issues;)

Or greek yogurt is even better. If you can stand eating vomit out of a little cup. Which actually you may have no problem with considering the progesterone poisening.

raisingmiles said...

I have the same fear of being naked when really they only wanted to see the vag, not the entire package!

Have fun on your last pregnancy!

Brenda said...

I cannot remember if you related a similar story in your last pregnancy, but you may want to prepare for pee pee pants. A much bigger target than a cup, unfortunately.

I dry heaved and hurled so hard during my twins' pregnancy that I would sometimes find that in addition to 'vomit hair' I had pee pants. Not exactly the work attire I strive to present.

Oh, yeah, and there was that one time that I had to run off to the bathroom at work to hurl, didn't make it, peed in my pants and then had to call to maintanance in order to clean up the barf all in the stall. Sigh. All day sickness sucks the big one. I hope you get a reprieve soon.

MagaliesGarden said...

I'm so sorry your feeling pukey. But I must say your hair looks fab in that photo. I am jealous with my post-natal 2 inches of regrowth. Enjoy your fancy locks cuz you know what will happen once A&B are born...BALDNESS! LOL Congrats once again...looking forward to all these preggy-posts.

Jill said...

It sounds kind of wacky, but the scent of fresh lemons also helped a lot with my pregnancy nausea. I learned the trick from my supervisor, who got through subway ride induced pregnancy nausea sniffing lemon slices in a baggie (not the weirdest thing one sees on the subway, but pretty far up there...). I went with an enormous cup of water at my desk at work with a truckload of lemons in it. Two birds with one stone- staying hydrated, and warding off the heaves.

MissMVK said...

Did you get the Zofran ODTs which dissolve or pills? The pills didn't do anything for me either, but the
ODTs at least took the edge off. Nothing made me feel 100% better, which meant that I often drove with a plastic bag tucked into my collar. My record for a 20 minute drive was six bags.

Lucie Charlotte said...

What about Ginger in some form (crystallized - like candy, tea, fresh steeped with honey and lemon). It's an acquired taste tho... Could make you more pukey. Agree about yogurt to help get stuff moving. Or psyllium? Oh, and pregnancy sounds great; can't wait.

hydrogeek said...

I recommend magnesium supplements to help the pooping. I am no help whatsoever on the puking or the large pee cup woe. Good luck!

Bekah said...

I've never had the answers about easy pooping. Maybe someone else will have something that works for you. I hear yogurt and think yogurt and it makes me gag. I couldn't eat yogurt when I was pregnant before, and I can't this time either. My aversion to it was so strong the first time that I still couldn't eat it for six months postpartum.
Here's hoping that your morning sickness abates soon. I've gone something like four days without puking! Huzzah! It's okay. You can call me a whore. I kind of deserve it for that. I've found that eating more actually makes me puke less. Unless it's a sandwich. I want so much to eat deli sandwiches, but my stomach denies them with a vengeance.

Leah said...

I am glad everything was good. As for the pee cup you are the master. That is a talent that not everyone has.

Angie said...

I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum with all of my pregnancies (3 total with two births). During My last pregnancy I had to have a pic line placed in my arm for liquid Zofran. Something a little less drastic than the pic line but works well is a Zofran pump. It's a small needle (almost a pin really) that goes in your thigh or hip. This way you get the meds in your system constantly. It helps. You may be able to use a stool softener to get things going down there. ;) Also Unisom at bed time helps you sleep and helps ease nausea in the morning. Phenergan never really worked for me. Just made me really drowsy and unable to puke but the nausea was still constant.
Try visiting this site http://www.hyperemesis.org/
You may not have HG but it has a lot of useful tips on Severe Morning Sickness.
Good Luck! I hope you get better soon.

Anonymous said...

LOL...I have the same fear about taking off more clothes than requested. I'm always reviewing exactly what the nurse told me in my head to be sure I *really* have to take my shirt off.

Lauren.Furrer said...

Bahaha, I do the same thing when they tell me to undress and put on the gown.
"So you want me to take off my pants and underwear?"
"Everything."
"And shirt and bra?"
"Everything."
"Socks?"
"No, you can leave your socks on."
"Ah-ha! Glad I asked. That could have been embarrassing."

Crossed Fingers said...

hahahaha - I am the same way when the doc says "undress" and I say waist down or everything? Because I don't want to be the nudie girl when the doc walks in and says "ummm...I'm married?"

Parsing Nonsense said...

My midwife always had me pee on this little test strip to test protein/glucose/ascorbic acid, and I always felt such anxiety about the whole thing. What if I miss the stick (since I couldn't see it around my belly) and am out of pee? What if all I get is my hand?

I wish I had your mad skills. It would have made those bathroom trips a little more fun.

Sarah Soon-To-Be... said...

I'm not really into all the baby/mommy blogs, because I'm still all "omg eewww babies/pregnancy/parenting eek."

That being said, if you're still reading and haven't called me mean names and cursed at your monitor yet, I came over here from ALin's 'This Year's Love', and just love your blog. Seriously. You crack my shit up.

That's all I wanted to say. Please accept my backwards compliment (I have intimacy issues, ok?) and continue telling funny pee stories. They're my favorite.

Ellie said...

Oh Jen, you are so hilarious!

Zofran didn't do anything for me, either, when I was pregnant with my twins. And the pooping thing, oh it was bad! It was bad....I tried everything. The only thing that worked some of the time was drinking a big yummy glass of prune juice and then sitting on a heating pad- true story.

Good luck with that! :)

KristenWiley said...

Do you know what I had for this past mother's day? An enema. Yeah. I was 38 weeks pregnant, and ended up in the ER. I thought I was in labor.... Nope. Just "poop pains" Seriously. Happy Effing Mother's Day. Hope you find something that gets your bowels a movin'. :)

M. said...

I'm about a week behind you and am pregnant with twins, too. The nausea is...there's not a word invented yet to describe how bad it is. Zofran didn't work for me either. The doctor recommended taking Unisom and B6. There's no way I can get any B6 pills down but the Unisom pill is small and it has helped more than anything. I take one at about 10pm and then another half at about 3pm.

Hope you begin to feel better oh so soon.

M.

Anonymous said...

A couple of points:
1. I too fear being totally naked when only my pants should have been moved and vise versa, not being naked enough.
2. I am so jealous of your peeing skills I may not be able to read your blog anymore. I can pee like a horse but it covers my hand in the end. Not good for the multiple veiwed pee tests I seem to have to take.

Bekah said...

OMG! Why did I have to gloat at you about not puking for several days?! Karma has caught up to me today and she is a cold hearted bitch mother.

Stephanie said...

If you wanna good dump, try eating fatty nuts ^_^ I like pecans best...looots of pecans

Carrie said...

Just found your blog! Been reading it for the past hour! I've added you, can't wait to follow your journey!

http://pinkcamogirl.blogspot.com/

Leah and Mike said...

Long time reader, First time poster :)

I'm currently 11wks and have been doing acupuncture, I've yet to have M/S. A friend of mine had quads and did acup - same thing - no m/s - just thought I'd throw that out there....

mab said...

That's awesome. I still have some work to do, since I'm not skilled at all. I pee on my hand every time, and then my husband teases me. I washed my hands! I swear.

Shannon said...

ok- so I am a little quieter on antidrama and decided to check out your blog. I absolutely love it. I seriously laughed out loud while reading through it...

Anonymous said...

Try the B6 Unisom combo it seriously kicks ass. I am only a week behind you and it has been awesome; just a vague possibly might could be nausea around meal times. Fab!

Anonymous said...

If the Zofran keeps you from puking everything up, then it's doing it's job! I still felt terrible when I took it too, but at least I could keep down my peanut butter sammiches! Which come back up just the way they went down, FYI... and you think to yourself, "I could swear I chewed that sandwich before I swallowed it. But, apparently not since it is whole again, and I am seeing it with my very own eyes." Anyway, if you are that sick, Zofran is the only thing that will keep you feeling even REMOTELY human. I'm so excited for you and the babies!