Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Or Geese?

A little over two years ago, while I was pregnant with Olivia, my coworker was also pregnant.  She was six weeks behind me then.  I had my baby in February, she had hers in April.  Our maternity leaves overlapped by about a month.

I don't mean to over exaggerate our importance, but what we came back to was a textbook cluster fuck.  We are the only two people who do our job, and while there are people employed by our company to cover for exactly this type of situation?  Still.  Clusterfuckery to the greatest degree.

So after that it was a big joke, like, "oh what if we got pregnant at the same time again hahahahahahaha."  And then everyone was always all, "oh yeah hahahahaha don't." 

Um.

She's due 1/20/11; I'm due 2/24/11 with twins, which may as well be 1/20/11.

So then after much evil belly laughing and hand-wringing, we had to tell work about The Situation.


Nooooo!  Not THAT Situation!*


THIS SITUATION:
Hai, am pregnant with twins
and totally messing up your company.
This is pretty much how my abs look, too.
(I have to thank my friend, Lynn, not only for her amazing photo shop work, but also for still being friends with me after Olivia shat on her floor.)


We went around the office and told everyone about our collective Situation.  It was mostly uneventful, except when we told The Office Old Guy.  You remember?  The guy who told me that walking to the copier would help me lose my baby weight?  And who asked why I was eating my lunch at 10:55?  AND who comments on every single thing that I eat to the point where I had to tell him to shut his old wrinkly yapper?

The Old Office Guy did manage to give the appropriate smile and congratulations.  Then we told him our due dates, and he had a question. 

"What do you guys do?  Get together and have orgies or something?"

Except he pronounced orgies like OR-GEESE.

I would go on about the horror of the situation (red faces, hysterical laughter, uncomfortable exits ensued) but really, I'm sure you can imagine.
So yeah.  It's in the water in the office we share.  Or maybe it was my fertility drugs and following Frozen Embryo Transfer Yay Science.  One can never tell.

*OK seriously, who will confess to watching Jersey Shore?  I can't help it.  I love those dysfunctional dumbasses.  GTL, BABY!**

**OK, so my GTL is less Gym, Tan, Laundry and more Gestational Beetus, Taco Bell, and Lazy Whore.  But still.

--

One Year Ago:  Talking is Hard.  Making Baby Food is Not
Two Years Ago: Gone Gay For Belly Bands (Or: Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have A Fetus!)

28 comments:

lparsons15 said...

You are sooo funny..

Lauren said...

That's hilarious. And congrats! Yay for baybees!

Bekah said...

Holy crap holy crap holy crap. Is this guy real? Like, really? Is he from the Jersey shore? Because I totally imagine him as a leathery creepy old man that checks out the spray tanned ladies and thinks about them having orgeese. Gross. In his mind, you and other office girl are totally the closest thing to his fantasy.

Kelly said...

Hahahahaha... You are the funniest blogger on the planet. Love your stories...

I totally watch Jersey Shore. Guilty.

Kahla said...

Ha, that is hilarious! Even more so since it didn't happen to me. I can't even believe he would say that except I can after reading the other stuff he's said.

Haven't watched JS, but they are in People quite a bit so I've had a taste.

areyoukiddingme said...

I can't watch Jersey Shore, but my husband said he was going to.

Or geese. Nice.

Candice said...

Gestational Beetus, Taco Bell, and Lazy Whore

LMFAO

Mrs. Higrens said...

First Dia-bee-tus, and now or-geese?

Thanks Jen for corrupting my mental files on how these two words should be said.

How did you not just die right there when Old Office Guy came out with that one? (I'm glad you didn't though since otherwise the story wouldn't be out there for the rest of us to pee our collective pants over.)

Julie said...

Sweet GEESE-us, you are funny. I am WEEPING with hilarity.

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

Blogger Laura said...

One Christmas we were all sitting around laughing at the Christmas Story movie and my grandma said "I think this is what they call an or-gee." Which of course took us from laughter into a surprised silence and then rolling on the floor... I wonder if anyone ever taught grandma what an or-gee really is...

Abigail @ Skywaitress said...

Or-geese ::snort:: Creeeeepy!

Dead Cow Girl said...

Did you say, "Why yes, we do. But since I'm infertile, it's purely for recreational purposes. You know. Like for losing baby weight."

Jamie @ Bungalow Bee said...

You make me laugh.

Crossed Fingers said...

Bwhahahaha - yes...that is EXACTLY what happened, a month apart...*side eyes*

*claire* said...

um, hilarious! people can't learn to shut their stupid mouths sometimes!! that's awesome that you guys will be gone together again :) and i love your Situation pic.

ABLynch said...

No to the Jersey Shore but big fat YES to Teen Mom. That's some quality programing right there. Go MTV!

One of my friends had her baby the month the medical community helped me get pregnant with mine. She's due this October with #2, and now I'm all tempted to call up my RE...

Rebecca said...

Congratulations to you both.

kimbosue said...

The pregnant girls on a mission to bring down the company one (or 3) babies at a time!

I don't watch Jersey Shore so was all....what is GTL? HAHAHA

Kris said...

Ok, I spent the last week reading every single entry because I'm basically the creepiest stalker in the world, and I want you to know that I loooooove yooouuuu! My cousin told me about your blog to cheer me up and make me laugh, and it worked super much and I even started my own blog to help deal with my stress. So, thank you. And your daughter is cute, and congrats on the twins!

Kris said...

Oh, and I forgot to tell you: My great grandma has a huge Texan accent, and pronounced diabetes "dahbeetiz." Enjoy.

Jaci said...

I can't believe that ass wipe is a professional.

At least the old fart who told me if I dropped weight I could be *HOT* was just a random plumber coming in one time. You have to work with that dipshit every day? Ugh. I'm so sorry.

Parsing Nonsense said...

Your due date was my due date! 'Tis a fine due date, it always treated me well.

I have no interest in Jersey Shore, though. It looks vapid, and like the kind of thing that would irritate the crap out of me. Like Billy Madison or Joe Dirt.

Stefani said...

My husband watches Jersey Shore. I don't let him live it down. EVER. But in his defense, it IS kinda like a train wreck... you just have to peek.

I just had to tell you, that every time I sit down and read your blog the hubs always asks, "What are you snickering about now?"

Boys don't understand. Thanks for making me laugh. :)

Greta said...

That's awesome...made me AND my husband laugh out loud.

PJ said...

I got that too, "there must be something in the water", to which I couldn't help but say... No, I'm pretty sure there's not!

Yep, science. Yay, science! :)

Erin said...

You look like a total juicehead in that pic. Love.

Shannon said...

That is funny!

My twins were due on 2/14/1994, valentines day, but they decided to make their appearance on 1/14/1994. I think most twins are born early, thank god~! I was miserable the entire pregnancy, I couldn't breath (thanks for them both being breech and up in my lungs) and I had morning, noon and night sickness for the first 6 months (most of the pregnancy), it was miserable, and I have always felt guilty about not enjoying it. Now that they are teens, I don't feel guilty about it, because they are once again making my life miserable♥ Hope you feel better soon.