Friday, November 5, 2010

Shocking new information about twin pregnancies!

Please, sit down. Even better: pull down your pants and sit on the toilet in preparation to drop the most spectacular deuce that has ever been dropped.

Apparently? When a woman is pregnant with twins? Her abdomen? It gets really fucking big.

Like, really big.

YOUGE even.

I know from experience that this is a very shocking concept for people to handle.

Yes, it is a matter of fact.  Women who are pregnant with twins are freaks and you should treat them as such.  It is your duty as a good citizen to be as obnoxious as possible when dealing with one of these weirdos. 

Because some of these beasts? Actually think they look good! Cute, even! I mean, don't let them walk around with this delusion.  First, you need to act really shocked at their massive girth each time you see them. You need to tell them exactly how fat they look. I know, I know, they are big and look scary, but they're fat and slow so just do it and RUN!  If you have any snacks, throw them in the opposite of the direction you plan to run.  Because they're hungry and their hate-rage blood lust can only be broken with snacks.

Sometimes? They are even excited! They think having two babies might be kind of adorable and there is no way you should let them have this excitement because it may possibly make the important things in your life seem less exciting.  I mean, if people are really busy listening to some fat heifer talk about her incubation of two humans, they might not have time to listen to you talk about what you're having for dinner or which shows you plan to watch on your DVR first. 

You should make sure to tell them how awful it's going to be. Say something like "GOOD LORD you are going to be BIZZAY! UR NVR GNA SLEEEP! EVAH!"  Or, "your stomach is going to be so messed up."  Or!  OR!!!!!  "Your vagina is going to explode, probably." 

(I don't know if that vagina part is true, but making shit up is totally acceptable in this situation.)


And of course, they have names picked out - which, by the way, you should ask about and then act awkward and pretend you like them while making some sort of passive aggressive gesture to let them know you don't. 

Because YOUR opinion is what matters.  Always remember that.

---

One Year Ago:  Jennepper's Must Have Baybee Gifts for 2009
Two Years Ago: 23 Weeks: Am Hardly Showing At All, Apparently
Three Years Ago: Did You Seriously Just Say That?

37 comments:

Two Kayaks said...

Nah.
I had an amazing pregnancy with our twins.
My vagina didn't explode despite pushing two babies through it in only 90 minutes total.
I have nary a stretch mark to speak of and my babies were both over 6 pounds.
I now can't even begin to imagine how people who have singletons do it - I mean, our babies entertain each other! Good for Mama!
Don't listen to people. Most, if not all, are idiots.

Gwen said...

I was definitely huge with twins, but no stretchmarks. And you're right...two babies are the most adorable thing ever. All squished up together, sleeping, snuggling together. People are idiots. Like you don't know it'll be hard.

Liam's Mom said...

I just love how this post comes well-timed with 2 yrs ago "23w:am hardly showing." Sorry Jenn, but it seems like you can't win w/ the comments about your size :( Keep up the hilarity in your posts though. You always crack me up.

ErinEvelyn said...

I was ENORMOUS with twins, but then, I was/am kinda Amazon-ish to begin with. It was the layer of squishiness everywhere on my body (mostly feet & legs) that made me feel like a walking waterbed. The swelling, oh the swelling! But who cares. I hated pregnancy, and I didn't care what anyone thought or said. It was a total means to an end. I grew 2 tiny and perfectly healthy little boys. Infancy was horrendous (but that's because they cramped my style). Toddlerhood was better.... preschool was better yet.... and now, my 2 5-year old kindergartener (at home attending VIRTUAL school, no less) are more fun than I could have hoped for! Whatdya know? I learned I'm not a baby person.

Jennepper, since when do you care? I'm surprised you aren't delighted that these morons make wonderful blog carnage. ;)

Amy said...

I was an absolute sub-continent with my twins. I didn't look pregnant from the back and only "normal" pregnant from the front...but from the side?!? People actually pointed at me in Target. One woman actually pointed and GASPED. I mean, my waist was 53 inches at 36 weeks, but you know, two people and stuff. It is however fun to screw with people like that. Make up some due date that is reeeeeally far out and tell the person you're bucking for a reality show. When the ask names tell them Cashmoney and Millionz Adollaz.

I hate to be a doomsayer, but after a singleton that produced no stretch marks I was horrified with the state of my abdomen. I still (7mos PP) look like I'm wearing a fanny pack made of flesh. But you know what? That's what tummy tucks are for.

My vagina did not explode, in spite of pushing out two 7 pounders in 4 minutes flat. That's right. 4 minutes. 4 pushes total for 2 babies. Go go gadget vajayjay!

Twins are all sorts of adorable, and sleep is for the WEAK!!

Hang in there!

Heather Rodriguez said...

I was huge and HOT. I rocked carrying two babies and am sure you can too. Screw the world, no one cares what they think anyway.

Heather said...

While leaving one of my last MFM appointments (and by leaving, I mean shuffling slowly with feet so far apart they weren't even in the same zip code) I met the most lovely man whose job it was to sweep the parking garage clean. Our chance meeting went like this:

me: shuffle, shuffle, sigh...
him: wow! how many kids are you having?!
me: two (weak smile, trying to be polite and quickly speed-shuffle past him with no eye contact)
him: yeah, I thought so, cuz you're HUGE!
Yeah. That was awesome. Thanks, Mr. Parking Garage Sweeper Man. You made my day. Now F off.
Screw everyone else. You rock.

Jaci said...

Don't share your names with anyone other than your family--and even then prepare yourself for the stink eye.

I don't know why people are all concerned what I name my kid. I'm going to be the one saying it thousands of times a day, so what the fuck do you care?

Shut it.

Sally said...

Vagina=fine.
Tummy=flat, with some cute, tiny wrinkles above the belly button.
Two babies in one bassinet=cutest thing ever.
Haters=gonna hate.

HereWeGoAJen said...

Are they crazy? I just saw pictures of you, you aren't huge at all. You look massively adorable and all even.

NEVER tell anyone the names. You'll never forget who said what. (Matt's parents looked at Elizabeth's twenty week ultrasound picture and informed us eagerly that the baby was obviously a boy because "he had a very masculine profile". I have never forgotten that they think their adorable granddaughter looks like a boy.) But I do think you should make up two just slightly over the edge names and then let everyone believe you are serious for the rest of the pregnancy. You can't go too far overboard or they won't believe you, but just a smidge so that they all WORRY.

Now, are you going to tell us the names?

areyoukiddingme said...

Shoot, I have the flesh fanny pack and I only had one! People are idiots. I'm sure you look very cute.

keysergoings said...

Wow I just delivered twin boys via c-section 10/16 and my water "exploded" literally!! I wasn't due till 11/24 but babes were healthy, 9 days in NICU. Anywayzzzz I recently started reading your blog and absolutely love it and there couldn't be more truth to what you wrote right here, peeps were so quick to comment on my size and to tell me how much life would suck after.....it doesn't suck and the babies are adorable and watching 2 interact as twins is going to be awesome.

Superstar said...

SMFers = Stupid Mother F... well, you get the rest. They're EVERYWHERE! And when you're still a couple months away from vaginal explosion, they'll say, "gee, you look like you're ready to explode."

Squeezed two babies out within seven minutes of each other and nothing on me exploded.

And I was a tank and damn proud of it. I'm 63 inches tall and my belly was 50 inches around. Moo y'all. Moo.

Kahla said...

Am I your only commenter that didn't carry twins? Regardless, I think you're pretty safe.

maresi said...

That's why I told everyone we were naming my daughter Bertha. It was implausible enough to keep them guessing, but still handy to have a made up substitute.

May I suggest Ethel and Mildred?

Caelan Alice said...

People think I'm having twins and comment on how YOUGE I am. And definitely not having more than one baby..in January. I had a woman at Target ask me if I was SURE I was only having one... truly ignorant. Because I am allowed to say I am a planet with my own gravitational pull, but strangers, are not. Ever.

YOU, my friend, are gorgeous. And rockin' the twin thing like it's your second calling. Haters can't hang. Let 'em go.

Caelan Alice said...

Caelan Alice = Devon Pearl LOL
Forgot I started a blog for that little Nert.

Ruby said...

My aunt had twins (her first babies) at 48. You can imagine the comments & questions. But she is my leading example in being a mom - she's funny & laid-back, but also completely disregards whatever other people think of her when she's protecting & raising her kids. The stories she'd tell of her walking into a hospital for a BF'ing group with her little boys in the stroller, and all the people wanted to come and stare. But they were so little and the germs... oh my, the germs. So she just sort of crouched over the stroller and waved her arms around her, yelling 'get out of the way' as she made it down the hall.

So yeah, that's the attitude I'd try to adopt. I try to adopt it myself, too. It helps when doing stuff people have never heard of before (wow, you brought your baby to Amsterdam, so you could go to college classes, while your husband walked around with her outside???'). It's really helped to psych myself up. Oh and this blog is hilarious: http://www.havingtwinsnow.com/general/butt-fuck/

Dreams and False Alarms said...

One nice thing about being on bedrest...less opportunities for people to say stupid shit to me!

Courtney said...

LMAO!

Yes I was huge! Everyone didn't need to point that out to me, Yes there are ONLY 2 babies in there, Yes I look as if I could "pop" anyday, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I did push 2 babies out my vajayjay in 49 minutes and although at the time I thought it exploded, I guess it did not. (I have only had twins so after a singleton I probably would have thought it exploded afterwards then too) I have a belly full of stretchmarks and a jelly belly that rivals Santa's!

And if I hear one more fucking time "Double Trouble".... OMG shut your damn mouth! And the "Oh your hands must be full" I know laugh and say "Oh you are asking to babysit?" Come on people, don't you got any new comments???

Only more stupid comments to come as you grow YOUGER and after they are born when people feel the need to give you even more assvice!

Whateva... twins rock bitches!

PJ said...

Yep.

I got so sick of hearing, "get your sleep now". Gee, thanks.

Oh, and "when are you due again"?

People say stupid stuff when you have them also. Seriously, when you take them out in public together, expect dumb comments!

PJ said...

I hate Two Kayaks, by the way. No stretch marks with twins? Seriously?

lumos said...

totally worth it!

Amy said...

Oh, almost forgot. When people say "Better you than me" I say "Yep, better me than YOU!!"

Anonymous said...

Just wait until they are born. Walking through the mall with two newborns and toddler gets you all kinds of annoying comments. I was at the mall today with our 3 and I felt like a zoo animal with people crowding around me. It is RIDICULOUS!

If one more person says to me, " Boy, you sure have your hands full" I'm gonna throw a bitch fit.

Good Egg Hatched said...

I had people ask me if I was having twins and then CHALLENGE me when I told them I was not. Like, are you sure? Could one be hiding behind the other? Seriously. I was almost relieved to go on bed rest so I wouldn't have to listen to it anymore.

Good Egg Hatched said...

And PS You look fabulous and you are already a fabulous mom (you'll be even better with three) so screw them.

Rebecca said...

I'm sure YOU are the exception and YOU look completely adorable and YOUR twins will be different because you know how to give them a little Propofol and we all know that propofol makes babies really really sleepy. Full nights of sleep straight out the girly bits. Our little secret.

queif is my word verification. I think your twins will make you more queefy. I think it's a sign. I totally wish I knew how to do a screen capture or at least had the patience to google how to do so, so I could send you the image.

twobabiesandtwojackrussells said...

Jen I just had twins on 10/12..they were 36 1/2 weeks.. They were both 4lbs 7 oz.. These are my first two babies so I dont know what one would be like but so far people are amazed by how great they are... we get 2 1/2-3 hr stints of sleep and the best advice I got was to keep them on the same schedule.. We wake up the other twin to eat as soon as one wakes up hungry and so far its been a great. I have been told by some of my friends that have one baby that they had a tougher time with just one! One of my other friends with twins and a toddler said by 5 months it was easier to have twins than one baby because they entertain one another. I got A TON of comments about twins while I was pregnant and it drove me nuts... as if I didnt have enough anxiety about the challenges of having two babies. And now its not nearly as bad as I had built it up in my head to be (well not yet at least) My favorite comment would be, OMG Twins.. what are you going to do??? I started to respond by saying oh well we are going to see which one we like best and sell the other.. Or, when one acts up, we will just put he/she in the closet. I mean seriously.. what kind of question is that???? I also got, oh twins, was that natural? People actually have the nerve to ask how you conceived your twins.. its amazing.
I had a vaginal birth...both out in 30 mins. No stretch marks and nothing is blown out, stomach or vag.. I also had gestational diabetes so it really limited all the junk I could eat and therefore didnt gain a tremendous amt of weight.. Hang in there, my pregnancy was sort of tainted by all the dumb comments I got from people. Try not to let them get to you.. I know easier said than done. I have been following your blog for over a year now. A year ago this month was my first try at IVF.. your blog kept my spirits up and kept me sane. If you ever have any questions about twins or want to bitch about the world of morons please let me know and I will give you my email address! Hang in there..

Sandra said...

One of the ladies from my twin parents group complained that the first 2 months were "boring" because her babies "slept all the time" so it is possible to have an easy time.

Don't listen to the haters --people are asses. It's gonna be awesome! And when they get older and start interacting! OMG I've never laughed so much in my entire life.

Anonymous said...

When I was pregnant with my twins, it seemed for the longest time people would say "you're hardly showing" and that drove me crazy. Did they just think I was getting a really fat belly, or what? Then people would say how huge I was. I really did prefer that- at least there was a reason- and that was how I felt anyway. I would joke about how I had tight abs.
Anyway, we have girls with names that don't start with the same letter or rhyme. A cashier at Costco recently asked their names and I told her, and she said, "Oh I think it's funner when their names rhyme, like Darlene and Charlene." And I was supposed to say what to that? Stupid B! I think it would be funner if you'd shut your trap!

Bekah said...

What I want to know is why all the douchebags are drawn to you like moths to a flame. Seriously, if any of my kids grows up to be so rude, I will slap him constantly until he is nicer. Sorry people are total asshats. I think it's my general social anxiety that keeps me from meeting the same people. Hey sometimes mental issues are a benefit!
Really though, why do people like that think they are adding anything of worth to your life by being jerks?

THE SARCASM GODDESS said...

Thanks for the advice! I never know what to say to pregnant ladies, especially those having twins. Now I know exactly what to do! :)

Love your blog. You are hilarious!

Jen W said...

THe others are right. The stupid comments don't end when they are out of the belly. I have had a lady ARGUE with me that my twins are not both boys (trust me, they are) because "That one has a green blanket" and I have had perfect strangers ask how big they were when they were born, which was almost 7 lbs a piece, and charmingly followed up with "wow, you must've been HUGE."
People have asked if they are biological. (instead of what, robots?) or if they are close in age. Someone came up to my husband in Target and looked him up and down and said "but you don't look tired."
So little did I know the comments when I was pregnant and the size of a Volkswagen were just the preparation for the big game - life in public with two babies OMG!
You'll be great. Hang in there. Twins are awesome. Mine turned 1 last week and it was the best year ever.

Anonymous said...

You were my favorite IF blogger. My fave. It seemed like you could really reach out and show everyone exactly what us IF'ers were feeling and thinking.

But now I have been so let down. I know you are PG and all, but seriously? All you do is complain. I can't take it anymore. You have turned into the ultimate example of what IF'ers should never do and be. I can't believe you wrote an entire post bitching because people are telling you what you obviously already know is true when so many out there would do anything to have that. I am sad that I can't read your blog anymore, but even more sad that you have completely lost touch and have turned into a mommy who forgot where she came from and how much work it took to get where you are.

Anonymous said...

To the Anonymous commenter at 8:20 AM on 11/12 - I could not have said it better myself. This is no longer a blog that I would recommend to anyone who is struggling with infertility. I wish it would no longer come up on Google when you search for infertility blogs. This blog helped me while I was first struggling (over 2 years ago), but pained me as I continued to struggle through more and more treatments and a miscarriage (I miscarried the day she posted that "babies = jerks"). I am now 7 weeks pregnant - but the pain of my 2.5 year struggle is still very real and raw - and I truly hope I never forget how this has felt and still feels. The good thing about this blog is that it has shown me how I will NEVER allow myself to act once my struggle with infertility is behind me.

Thank you for your courage in saying what you said. I have many infertile friends who feel the same way about this blog.

Jen said...

To both anonymouses: stop reading by blog. It's the easiest fix for your problem.

This is a blog about my life. NOT a blog about infertility. I'm not the least bit apologetic for how I've handled my blog since having a baby/being pregnant.