Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Questions for you, because the Internet is Smart

...and pretty, and has an ass that looks good in, like, any pair of pants, no matter what.

I'm working on a post for you about how I almost killed and/or ate my waiter at Chili's this afternoon.  But first I have questions about multiple pregnancies.

First, some updates.

I had my 12 week appointment and NT scan a few weeks ago, and everything looked good. 

Most importantly, my identical twins are monochorionic diamniotic - they are inside the same chorionic sac but have their own amniotic sacs.  I'm not going to get into the details, but here is an excellent blog post I found explaining the different twin scenarios in kindergarten terms.  There are major risks for identical twin pregnancies when twins aren't separated by a membrane and do not have their own amniotic sac.

But they were able to see a membrane, so we're good there.

Here's my main question: Do I need to see a maternal-fetal specialist?  Or...just my regular OB?

I asked my OB, and he said that they don't work with a MFM unless there is a complication.  Which...OK.

But.  I had gestational diabetes, and preeclampsia(ish).  So I kind of feel like I'm a total pain in the ass when it comes to the whole gestation thing.

Next: I'm reading this book about multiple pregnancies.  Ummmm...it all sounds good in theory, but mostly I think this lady has lost her fucking mind. I'm supposed to gain 50 pounds! and eat like 5 bazillion grams of protein a day! and eat healthy (HEALTHY!!!) but consume 3500 calories a day! What's that you say...you don't feel good? Well, shovel it in when you feel good! Easy peasy!

I mean, I'm all for fattening these baybees up and being healthy and you know...etc.  But I just don't really feel like it's realistic.  I'm supposed to have gained like 25 pounds by now and I've gained 6 so obviously I'm on the right track and everything.

So, tell me: how much weight did you gain - not because I don't want to gain a lot of weight, but because I'm worried about my ability to eat enough to gain 50 pounds - and how did you eat and just generally, give me your assvice but don't be an asshole. 

I've had my fill of assholes, particularly the ones who tell me that I look YOUGE even being pregnant with twins *insert sideways judgemental glance here* 

Finally, what else?  What random advice do you have for me?


One Year Ago: Six Months, Holy Crap!
Two Years Ago:  Excuse Me Willis, Could You Please Repeat That?

Monday, August 23, 2010

You down with RPD? Yeah you know me!

Last week, at work....

Phone rings

Jen: Name of Biznass, this is Jennifer, how can I help you?

Random Perverted Dude: uhhhh....what?

Jen: Name of Biznass, can I help you?

RPD:  Yeah, so...wutz ur name?

Jen: Jennifer.  Can I help you?

Silent Rage.

RPD: Yeah.  Jennifer.  Uh huh.  Yeah.  I gotta...gotta question fur u.

Silent Rage

Jen: Oh...kay?

RPD: Yeah...uh...

Barely Silent Rage

RPD: What color panties u wearin?

I swear I'm not even making this up.  Seriously.  I am by myself at work, sweating like a hog because...well, I'm gross basically and hot all the time, and then this?!  AND HE CALLED THEM PANTIES! OH THE HUMANITY! 

I'll let you guess my response:

Response A:

Jen: I have no fucking idea, and I can't check because my pants go up to my chest.*

Response B:

Jen: I don't wear panties.  Gag.

Response C:

Jen: Hang up.**

*OK, fine.  I didn't say this to RPD.  But I did say it to Mark after I texted him the story and he asked, "so what color are they?"  Pregnancy is sexy.***


***And makes me want to not write blogs, apparently.  

One Year Ago: Still Givin, Just Not Right Here
Two Years Ago:  Lucky 13

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Morning Sickness: It Continues




One Year Ago:  The Picture of Perfect Parenting
Two Years Ago: Back, With Belly Pics

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Or Geese?

A little over two years ago, while I was pregnant with Olivia, my coworker was also pregnant.  She was six weeks behind me then.  I had my baby in February, she had hers in April.  Our maternity leaves overlapped by about a month.

I don't mean to over exaggerate our importance, but what we came back to was a textbook cluster fuck.  We are the only two people who do our job, and while there are people employed by our company to cover for exactly this type of situation?  Still.  Clusterfuckery to the greatest degree.

So after that it was a big joke, like, "oh what if we got pregnant at the same time again hahahahahahaha."  And then everyone was always all, "oh yeah hahahahaha don't." 


She's due 1/20/11; I'm due 2/24/11 with twins, which may as well be 1/20/11.

So then after much evil belly laughing and hand-wringing, we had to tell work about The Situation.

Nooooo!  Not THAT Situation!*

Hai, am pregnant with twins
and totally messing up your company.
This is pretty much how my abs look, too.
(I have to thank my friend, Lynn, not only for her amazing photo shop work, but also for still being friends with me after Olivia shat on her floor.)

We went around the office and told everyone about our collective Situation.  It was mostly uneventful, except when we told The Office Old Guy.  You remember?  The guy who told me that walking to the copier would help me lose my baby weight?  And who asked why I was eating my lunch at 10:55?  AND who comments on every single thing that I eat to the point where I had to tell him to shut his old wrinkly yapper?

The Old Office Guy did manage to give the appropriate smile and congratulations.  Then we told him our due dates, and he had a question. 

"What do you guys do?  Get together and have orgies or something?"

Except he pronounced orgies like OR-GEESE.

I would go on about the horror of the situation (red faces, hysterical laughter, uncomfortable exits ensued) but really, I'm sure you can imagine.
So yeah.  It's in the water in the office we share.  Or maybe it was my fertility drugs and following Frozen Embryo Transfer Yay Science.  One can never tell.

*OK seriously, who will confess to watching Jersey Shore?  I can't help it.  I love those dysfunctional dumbasses.  GTL, BABY!**

**OK, so my GTL is less Gym, Tan, Laundry and more Gestational Beetus, Taco Bell, and Lazy Whore.  But still.


One Year Ago:  Talking is Hard.  Making Baby Food is Not
Two Years Ago: Gone Gay For Belly Bands (Or: Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have A Fetus!)