Evelyn Cecille Knepper
December 29, 2010
3 Pounds, 2 Ounces
Evelyn was the baby that nobody worried about. She was always bigger, she was always stronger, she always looked perfectly healthy. It breaks my heart a little that we spent all our time worrying about her sister when maybe she was the one who needed help all along.
At our nonstress test, the day before we lost Evelyn, she was very active and she was kicking like crazy. Everyone thought it was a good thing, but now I wonder if it was the beginning of the very bad thing. I hate that thought but it's there, bothering me at night. Bothering me all the time.
It's been just over a week since she was born, and I have cried for her every day. Always when I'm alone. The grief catches me when I'm alone without distraction...in the shower, right after I wake up or right before I fall asleep, in the car, when I walk past the nursery and the door is open. It's not the good kind of cry that gives relief. It's the kind of cry that makes me feel like I'm wound too tight and coming undone at the same time.
There aren't many things that give me comfort about Evelyn's birth or situation (or whatever you call it when a baby is born asleep). There aren't any things that really give me comfort when it comes to Evelyn; that's probably the wrong word. I sometimes like to cling to the fact that I knew her best. She was (is!) so, so loved by so many people. But I'm the only one that knew her. I loved her and I felt her move and I laughed as she kicked like crazy and then her sister started to kick like crazy. Like she was teasing her already. So many people love her but besides Ainsley? I knew her best.
We don't know what happened to Evelyn. I don't even know if it would help to have "answers." It is so weird to use the word Autopsy in relation to our lives...but there will be one. To help Ainsley. We need to know what happened to Evelyn so that we can make sure it doesn't happen to Ainsley, too, since they are identical twins and shared so much. Maybe Evelyn will save Ainsley's life again. I wish we could have saved hers, too.
A group of my friends got together and made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, in Evelyn's name. We got a donation card in the mail, with this quote:
"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."
|That couldn't be more true.|