Friday, January 7, 2011

Evelyn Cecille

Evelyn Cecille Knepper
December 29, 2010
8:07 p.m.
3 Pounds, 2 Ounces
15 Inches


Evelyn was the baby that nobody worried about.  She was always bigger, she was always stronger, she always looked perfectly healthy.  It breaks my heart a little that we spent all our time worrying about her sister when maybe she was the one who needed help all along. 

At our nonstress test, the day before we lost Evelyn, she was very active and she was kicking like crazy.  Everyone thought it was a good thing, but now I wonder if it was the beginning of the very bad thing.  I hate that thought but it's there, bothering me at night.  Bothering me all the time. 

It's been just over a week since she was born, and I have cried for her every day.  Always when I'm alone.  The grief catches me when I'm alone without distraction...in the shower, right after I wake up or right before I fall asleep, in the car, when I walk past the nursery and the door is open.  It's not the good kind of cry that gives relief.  It's the kind of cry that makes me feel like I'm wound too tight and coming undone at the same time.

There aren't many things that give me comfort about Evelyn's birth or situation (or whatever you call it when a baby is born asleep).  There aren't any things that really give me comfort when it comes to Evelyn; that's probably the wrong word.  I sometimes like to cling to the fact that I knew her best.  She was (is!) so, so loved by so many people.  But I'm the only one that knew her.  I loved her and I felt her move and I laughed as she kicked like crazy and then her sister started to kick like crazy.  Like she was teasing her already.  So many people love her but besides Ainsley?  I knew her best. 

We don't know what happened to Evelyn.  I don't even know if it would help to have "answers."  It is so weird to use the word Autopsy in relation to our lives...but there will be one.  To help Ainsley.  We need to know what happened to Evelyn so that we can make sure it doesn't happen to Ainsley, too, since they are identical twins and shared so much.  Maybe Evelyn will save Ainsley's life again.  I wish we could have saved hers, too.

A group of my friends got together and made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, in Evelyn's name.  We got a donation card in the mail, with this quote:

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

That couldn't be more true.

119 comments:

LisaJ said...

I am so, so sorry, Jen. I so wish this had not happened to you and your family. Or to anyone.

It sucks.

Doug said...

I am thinking of you and your family. I've followed your story for so long in the shadows and shared the infertility beast with you and wanted to come out and say that you and your stories have touched me. I am so sorry.

Amanda S. said...

I am so sorry you are walking through this tough time. Nothing can take away the pain of losing a child. One book that helped me grow through the pain was "Losing You Too Soon" by Bernadette Keaggy. I didn't read it till months after but when i did i was ready. It was very important to grieve and go through the grieving process. Allow yourself to do that but also allow yourself to love and enjoy Ainsley. Praying for you!

Ginny said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and loss.

Nicole said...

My heart Goes out to you. You are stronger than you even know. I can't imagine going through this pain and getting out of bed in the morning without some serious meds to help me function.

Hang in there.

Denise said...

I've been thinking about you and your family a lot. There are just no words and every time I go to comment, I end up erasing it instead of publishing. This time I will hit publish. Just to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Esperanza said...

I know my words cannot bring you comfort but please know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart.

Christine said...

beautifully written! sending our energy...we know you need it.

lis said...

You are right, you knew her better than anyone. You knew when she slept and when she woke, and what she liked to eat. You held her every day of her life and you'll continue to do so every day of yours. Her name is just perfect and so beautiful, Jen. Thinking of you and your family often. Sending love and peace for getting through these very tender early days of grief. xoxo Lis

Shanny said...

There are absolutely no words Jen, I'm just so sorry. I cried several times thinking of what you are going through, and if I feel like this being an outsider I have absolutely no idea how you are feeling. I'm pretty sure nothing can describe it.

You are so loved in the internet world and having been following you for several years I feel close to you somehow. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family.

areyoukiddingme said...

You knew her best and you will most likely feel her loss most acutely. I doubt that knowing what happened will help, but it's better to settle that question than not. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jess said...

I'm so sorry! I've been caught up in my own NICU journey and hadn't even realized that you had the girls! I would say a whole bunch of encouraging words except that now that I actually AM a parent, the thought of losing a child is so utterly mind-blowing that I know nothing I could possibly say will help.
I am, however, glad that Ainsley is doing well. If you ever need someone to talk to who understands how difficult things can be when you have a baby in the NICU, I'm here.

kate said...

I know there are no words that can be said to help heal you heart. So, all I can say is that I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and yours, and I hope you find peace and comfort in your own way soon.

Candice said...

I love her name. Last time I was pregnant, I was going to name my baby Evelyn if it were a girl. Alas it was not, so we have a Graham.

Please don't feel bad for not having worried about Evelyn. Worry wouldnt have helped her. She had all the same tests as Ainsley.

You said you don't have anything to comfort you, and maybe this won't either, but I was thinking...maybe one day you'll find it a comfort that you have her identical twin. You will always have a living piece of Evelyn. Often identical twins can be very similar not only in looks (obviously) but also in personality. I have also read on blogs where parents wonder what their 3 yr old might have looked like, and you'll know that too. Please know I am not trying to minimize anything as I know there is so much you'll miss out on.

Lastly, from the glimpse we can see of Evelyn...so, so beautiful. You guys make the most lovely little girls! Much love.

B's Mom said...

I always cried alone. In fact, I only recall three times anyone else saw me cry- and I probably cried hundreds.

Thank you for sharing her with us.

Andrea said...

Evelyn's journey has definitely made an imprint in my world. Such a beautiful little girl.

(Echoing B's Mom)
Thank you for sharing her with us.

Robin said...

you speak so beautifully of your daughter. I am so sorry for your loss, and pray for peace in your heart. Thank you for haring her with us.

reesha76 said...

I just want to kick this situation in the taco for you!

I wish we could all make this better for you. I can not even imagine what you are dealing with.

I know there probably isn't anything that we can say to make this better. But darn it, if there is you call on us we are here and are ready to march for you!

Simona said...

I am still amazed at your power, you can write about all this when I can barely read, it hurts so bad... Because I guess we all knew Evelyn a little and we all love her through you, so it's like a part of me (and probably all the other people here) died...
She'll always be in my thoughts and prayers, as is beautiful and strong Ainsley, Olivia, you and all your dear ones.
Please continue to write, I am selfish but it helps us heal too!

penuttpie said...

holy moly. i'm so so sorry :( this just breaks my heart.

Courtney said...

You have such a beautiful way of sharing your thoughts and feelings - and that's probably why so many of us are hurting so terribly for you right now. I could not pull it together for even an hour last Friday after reading your update, and I kept thinking, "I don't even know her - why am I such a wreck?" But you have shared so much with us over the years, and the feelings you've shared have been so raw and personal, that it is very hard to remember that we don't really know you.

You have been our support line as many of us have gone through our own struggles with IF. Your frustrations and anger with infertility validated our own frustrations and anger. Your success gave us hope. Your insight and honesty made us laugh about a topic that many of us probably NEVER thought we would laugh about. And now - now your grief gives us great sadness. You have indirectly supported so many of us for many years - and I just want you to know that there are literally hundreds of us who are supporting you right now. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, Evelyn, and the rest of your family. And when those moments come over me, there is always an intense pain in my heart and still at least a few tears - and then there are prayers (and I am not religious).

Thank you for sharing Evelyn with us - and thank you for sharing YOURSELF with all of us. You are a very special person to many!

Rosie said...

Hi Jenn. My heart breaks for you. I wish that everything had worked out exactly the way you had hoped for. Your story upsets me as a labor and delivery nurse. There were so many moments during your story that I would have wanted your health care team to do something differently. But I wasn't there and I don't know the circumstances. I pray for your little one in the NICU and I pray for your little Evelyn. I'm so glad that you got to have time with her after you delivered. Stay strong for your girls, let yourself be sad when you need to. Don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong, and you loved her with your whole heart. She knows that.

Mom of the Twinkies and Tot! said...

That quote is amazing. What good friends you have. Evelyn is sure to leave a huge imprint on this world. As I see it, she has already done so & I'm sure that imprint is just going to grow & grow.

I love her name, Jen. My Lexie's middle name is Cecile after my grandfather (Cecil). Evelyn Cecille is so sweet.

I doubt the autopsy will bring any comfort to you, because knowing what happened isn't going to change the fact that it indeed happened. But I hope it brings comfort in knowing you will be able to help Ainsley if need be.

Thank you so much for sharing this story with us all. I'm sure this blog is therapy for you and rightly so.

Uh...I have so much I'd love to say to try to make the pain of this go away but I know none of it can. I continue to pray for you daily.

Katherine said...

Hugs.

BB said...

Your daughter has imprinted your heart forever Jen!

The Lungos said...

My heart is breaking for your family. What a lovely post for your daughters.

My New Normal said...

Crying is good, it's a release and you really need one right now.

I cry all the time, and it's been almost 5 months since I lost my son at 36 weeks. I cry in private, with friends, with family, and in public. I am really good at crying in public places these days. I carry my big sunglasses around and pop them on when I feel the tears coming.

At first that used to bother me, but now I understand it's just part of my grieving process. So I sometimes walk around London in the rain with sunglasses on and that's ok.

The writing is good as well. Without my blog I would probably have gone crazy.

So go easy on yourself. We grieve because we love.

Nicki J said...

Oh, look at her precious, perfect little hands. What a beautiful child. She will be honoured and remembered all over the world.

Maggie said...

Thank you for sharing the beautiful picture of her. She has definitely left an imprint in my heart and on my life.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Oh, Jen, I've been thinking such a lot about you all, and I do so wish I had something better to say than how sorry I am.

What a beautiful photo.

Deanna said...

I'm so sorry. That's a beautiful picture of your little darling.

Blair said...

I love her name. Truly, truly love it.

I'm just so heartbroken for you, Jen.

Gwen said...

Oh Jen, she's so beautiful, look at those tiny hands. I am so sorry. I know there's nothing that can ease this pain, but at least know that there are so many of us grieving with you, and thinking of her.

lparsons15 said...

Really nicely written. My heart is so broken for your family. Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful picture, it is amazing. I am so sorry, just so sorry.
Take Care.

Tasha said...

Thank you for sharing her with us. I have thought of you so often since you told us about Evelyn and Ainsley and sent prayers for you all.

polyhex said...

She is beautiful and I am so sorry. It just breaks my heart.

BabyWid said...

My heart aches for you. I know you will cherish those pictures forever, they are so sweet. ((hugs))

Hillary said...

Thank you soo much for sharing your pain with us. I too lost a little girl who was born sleeping only 2 months ago and you totally expressed everything that I am not able to put into words right now. Thank you for that!

Stace said...

Still thinking of you and your family...



My Mom and Dad Are Survivors

My Mom and dad are survivors,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear them crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch them lay awake at night
and go to hold their hands.
They don't know I'm with them
to help them understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my mom and dad
who think of me each day.

They wear a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from their eyes.

My mom and dad try to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows them knows
it is their way to survive.

As I watch over my mom and dad
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell them that angels
protect me forevermore!

I know that doesn't help them,
or ease the burden they bear.
So, if you get a chance, go visit them.
Show them that you care.

For no matter what they say...
no matter what they feel.
My mom and dad have a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

Courtney said...

I'm just so so very sorry, Jenn...

Stace,beautiful poem.

rebecca said...

I'm so sorry for the grief you are experiencing. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is such an incredible organization, I'm so thankful that they are there to ensure parents like us have pictures to remember our children by. We cherish ours immensely. Continuing to think of you often and hoping you feel the love of many surrounding you ((hugs))

Laurel said...

Once again, I am so sorry. It was awful to read about how suddenly Evelyn went from OK to not OK. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it wouldn't have been any less awful if you'd had warning. The outcome was still equally awful. But, as you said, you need to protect Ainsley so--there's that. And maybe, by having an answer, you can protect someone else's baby, too. Small comfort, I know.

It's a beautiful photo. My heart breaks for you anew every time I think of your loss. I am so glad Ainsley is doing well.

alison said...

10 perfect little fingers, and she has so many people wrapped around them. xoxo

Britt said...

((HUGS))

Jaye-Dallas said...

You're in my thoughts, thanks for sharing your story and your daughters with us.

Mrs. Higrens said...

Beautiful. Your words and Evelyn also.

s. said...

I know this probably isn't much comfort, but by sharing your story and Evelyn's story you are helping so many others who have been through this hell. Thank you so much for your bravery and willingness to let so many strangers share in your journey. Wishing you peace.

Kahla said...

(((HUGS))) When my identical twin sister died, they were worried that it might be something that would affect me too. They never found anything. Sometimes I don't know if that is better or worse. Sending so many prayers your way, I've cried a million tears for you.

Bree said...

Someday, I hope you share pictures of beautiful Evelyn Cecille. Sending love. xo

Courtney said...

What a precious baby. My heart hurts for you, and your family.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Parsing Nonsense said...

Beautiful post, Jen. And it's true, Evelyn's passing is felt by so many people.

krlr said...

I wish I could say something comforting. But I've been there - so I can't. But I know about the kicking the day before. And the crying in the car. And knowing them better than anyone else. god...I'm sorry. No other words.

Buford Betty said...

I'm continuing to pray for you and your sweet family. Lots of love and hugs to you...

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I keep all the baby lost mothers in my daily prayers. Please know that I care and I hold your sorrow deep within my heart.

Erin said...

Beautiful.

Her name. Your eloquence. That picture. All of it.

As ever, thank you for sharing.

--Erin

Brenda said...

Jen, what a beautiful post. I know I echo others statements when I say that Evelyn is loved by so many of us. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. I wish there was something I could do....

Thinking of you, Evelyn, Ainsley, Olivia and Mark. Wishing you all peace.

Chris and Annalisa said...

Thank you for letting us share your grief. I cry for Evelyn every day.

HereWeGoAJen said...

Thank you for sharing your girl with us. We all love her too and will always miss her.

katman110 said...

Oh, Jen. More tears... Thank you for sharing this.
All your little girls are perfect.

Debbie said...

God Bless Evelyn

Valerie said...

Beautiful post.

JP said...

I am so sorry for your loss of Evelyn. He name is beautiful, as is this post. You and your family are on my mind so often; it seems strange because we've never met. Still, you are on my mind and my heart breaks for your family right now.

Miss J said...

I have followed your blog for a long time...and have seen my fair share of IVF cycles. 7 in total. The 2nd one worked, but we found out around 15 weeks the baby wasn't growing properly. We hoped, and prayed and waited, and for our 20 week ultrasound we found out the news was grave. we waited another few weeks and we lost our little one when I was about 23 weeks.
It was devasting to say the least. Your pregnancy has really brought me back there. And while we kind of know what happened, we never really knew the exact cause. It doesn't matter to us anymore...we didn't have our little one regardless.
All I can tell you, is that once the pg hormones calm down the crying will be a little less. And that is when the pain for me really started to ease. It never goes away, and you will be surprised when the grief strikes you. But now we are almost 3 years behind it. We still think about it, but the pain...it does fade.
I pray for Ainsley every night, and your family as well. You are strong and I'm glad you are blogging and using as much humor as you can muster up because that will help too.
But I'm so sorry for your loss...you have a whole bunch of stranger friends cheering you on, and who "just love you like crazy."
Hang in there.

carrie said...

Jen, I've followed your blog for over a year now. I don't ever comment but I wanted to express my deepest condolences. After seven IUI's and three IVF's my husband and I were finally expecting. I was 10 weeks on Thursday when we lost the heartbeat, I had a D&C yesterday. Knowing what you've been through and the grace in which you've handled it has given me strengh. I will keep you and and your family in my prayers. Hold on like hell to your husband, Olivia and little Ainsley...let them give you strength. Thinking of you.

Dana said...

I have no words of comfort, even though I have given birth to a stillborn baby too. All I can say is that it takes time, that it does get easier. The pain never, ever leaves, but it gets easier to put one foot in front of the other. It gets easier and not wonder why every second of every day. The first few weeks after losing a baby are indescribably painful and the pain of those weeks still haunts me. I don't know that I could survive it again.

I love that you wrote that you know Evelyn the best. That is how I feel about Jacob. It comforts me, but also makes me sad that so many people didn't get to know him the way I did.

We had an autopsy done on Jacob too and I'm glad we did. It is hard to sign the papers, but it was worth it for us, for the answers it gave us. Ours wasn't conclusive, but we have a clue as to why he died and that is better than nothing.

I'm so glad that you have beautiful pictures of Evelyn. Thank you for sharing this one. I hope that they bring you comfort as Jacob's have for me.

It is amazing how a baby who lived such a short time can change the world forever. Evelyn has touched so many lived and she will continue to.

CurlyGirly said...

I hope your pain eases quickly. Until it does - cry and grieve. You and Ainsley will always be the ones to have known Evelyn best. I hope that memories of feeling her, nurturing her and loving her during your pregnancy will bring happiness to you always .

Mrs.Babbsy said...

My heart it broken for you, I don't understand how life can be so unfair. I have an itty bitty too, I call her my itty bitty. I am reading your story and tears are following. I never worried about my hog baby either. My heart is completely broken for you.
I wish I had words to comfort you, but I just want to curse the high beings, because no mom should have to go through what you and your husband are going through.
{{hugs}}

A beautiful picture that you will always have to treasue.

Mrs.Babbsy said...

My heart it broken for you, I don't understand how life can be so unfair. I have an itty bitty too, I call her my itty bitty. I am reading your story and tears are following. I never worried about my hog baby either. My heart is completely broken for you.
I wish I had words to comfort you, but I just want to curse the high beings, because no mom should have to go through what you and your husband are going through.
{{hugs}}

A beautiful picture that you will always have to treasue.

Mrs.Babbsy said...

My heart it broken for you, I don't understand how life can be so unfair. I have an itty bitty too, I call her my itty bitty. I am reading your story and tears are following. I never worried about my hog baby either. My heart is completely broken for you.
I wish I had words to comfort you, but I just want to curse the high beings, because no mom should have to go through what you and your husband are going through.
{{hugs}}

A beautiful picture that you will always have to treasue.

Sarah said...

Jen - That is a beautiful picture. You will treasure those pictures forever.

I've been reading your posts but have not yet commented. My first baby was born sleeping 6 days past her due date. I know your pain and it is so unfair.

Thinking of you....

Kacey said...

Wow...I just stumbled upon your blog and now I believe for no accident. I lost our baby A girl who was the bigger twin as well. Her heart just stopped beating and we don't know why. You can read her story a few posts back on my blog. We were the same as you always worrying about baby b be use he was smaller...he had the low amniotic fluid...the fluid in his kidneys....she seemed perfect. I had to carry her for 6 more weeks until her sac ruptured and i dleivered them both at 30 weeks exactly. I don't know why we have to endure this kind of heartache. I can tell you I know your pain. One thing I do know is that Gods plan is perfect whether it makes sense to us or not. Kaiya's life has changed so many people's loves as you will see Evelyn's will as well. I am praying for you and baby Ainsley. Roman was born weighing exactly 3 lbs and was in the nicu for 6 long weeks. I pray phillipians 4:6-7 over you. You and Ainsley now have an Angel watching over you. Exodus 23:20...Evelyn did a good job of getting Ainsley here. That could have been her purpose all along. Now i lay me down to sleep did Kaiya's pictures as well and they are so beautiful. We both have a child here on earth and a daughter in heaven. Let sweet Jesus hold her til you can hold her again. She just has heaven before we do. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.

Hisplannotmine.blogspot.com

Kacey

Julia L said...

I am so very very sorry for your loss. We're broken-hearted for you here.

MommyV said...

Beautifully written, Jen. You are all still in my prayers and thoughts daily. Thank you for sharing Evelyn's story.

tiffany said...

There are simply no words, except that I am so deeply, deeply sorry. I am praying for Ainsley, you and Mark, and of course beautiful Evelyn.

Bev said...

that was the most beautiful, elequent tribute to your special angel.

Skerry said...

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Ms. J said...

I continue to pray for you to have strength as you learn to live without your precious Evelyn, until the day you hold her again, and for you to be strong as you help Ainsley thrive.

Rivalen said...

There are no comforting words for what you and your family are going through.

The only "comfort" my wife and I found after losing Joel was in reading others put what we couldn't into words.

http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com

Remember and cherish your daughter for who you knew her to be. and cry. Remember, there's no right way to do this.

I wish strength and peace for you, Mark and all of your family.

Curls O Fred said...

I'm so sorry you are experiencing all this. Cry for her. There's no shame in that. You knew her and loved her and anticipated doing so much with her. Saying Evelyn's name and remembering her today.
Thinking of Ainsley and you as you both recover and traverse these coming months.

Stacey said...

My heart continues to break. What a lovely post for your precious Evelyn. .

Roadblocks and Roller Coasters said...

I am so, so sorry. I'm thinking of and praying for you and your entire family.

Supermom said...

Sending you lots of prayers and I hope that one day you will be able to feel a sense of calm.

amiracle4us said...

Sending you prayers, strength and hugs...

Jennie said...

This is such a beautiful post (even if I hate that it had cause to be written). A mother's love comes through in every word. You continue to be in my thoughts.

Colleen Ryan said...

While I don't know you, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Expecting my own first child now, I can't even begin to fathom the pain and sadness you must feel in losing Evelyn, while still having to fight with and for little Ainsley. The fact that you have shared your personal thoughts and feelings inspires me, and I'm sure many others feel the same.

Sending wishes that time helps you, Ainsley and your family grow only stronger.

Steph said...

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry you are going thru this!

Leah said...

Continued prayers for your family. She is very precious indeed.

Jeannie said...

My heart just aches for you... Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this...

Thank you for sharing your sweet, beautiful photo of your Evelyn.

Kansas said...

The babyloss club is one we never picture ourselves being apart of. It's unthinkable. But the loss community is full of support.

Thinking of you and your family daily (((Hugs)))

Stephanie said...

What a sweet tribute. And that picture is precious - she is beautiful. I'm so sorry you're going through this. And thank you again for sharing.

Susie said...

This is a lovely and loving tribute to your daughter. I am so very sorry that you lost her. Thank you for sharing your story and updates on Ainsley. I hope that she continues to thrive and that her NICU stay is brief. Best wishes to you and your family.

PS...The girls' names are beautiful.

kanitzsche said...

Jen,

Thinking of you today and everyday. My prayers are with you.

Sue said...

She looks so perfect -and she did leave her mark. Thank you for writing about her.

cdoswald said...

Such a beautiful post but so sorry you have to write it. I think of you and your family of five daily!
I am so so sorry it just plain sucks!

Chris and Joy said...

I'm so very sorry. You are unbelievably brave for sharing your journey and Evelyn with all of us. I can't imagine how you heal from this or what will bring comfort.

I have followed your blog since you were pregnant with Olivia. As I went through several rounds of IVF your blog helped me to laugh and to know that someone else had gone through the same thing and was successfull.

I was tickled when we got pregnant just a week apart. I never imagined that we would both give birth to preemies on the same day. My son, Ian, was born 12/29 at 11:20am at 31 weeks gestation. I had a placental abruption so it came out of nowhere. While I can't imagine going through this with the added grief of having lost a child I do know what it is like having a baby similar in age in the NICU. Please, if you would like an internet NICU buddy reach out.
Sending you lots of supportive vibes
Joy

Jean said...

Saying sorry, just isn't enough. I am going through fertility treatments and was told about your blog a few weeks ago. I delight myself in reading a few a night and have just caught up. You have come into my life, into my home in the midst a very personal, emotional journey and my heart literally breaks for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your life with me, you are very brave. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather said...

I am so sorry Jen. I wish you peace and healing.

Celia said...

I have been thinking of you, and praying for you.

kate said...

You don't know me but I recently started reading your blog and my heart truley goes out to you and your family. I can not imagine the pain of losing a child and on top of that having to pull yourself together and be strong enough for your other children! You are amazing, and it is okay to have bad days and just let yourself cry!

LetterstoClaire said...

Losing a child is a horror that burrows itself so deep inside of you there are many days that it's impossible to realize that anything else exists. It takes time to make the tiniest climb out of the grief. The pain of losing my daughter Claire still hits me with the same intensity it did when she passed away in October. I hope that you surround yourself with the love and support of your friends, family and know that there is a wonderful resource of women who have lost their babies that can help you through this unfortunate journey. Many of the women, including myself, had to struggle with infertility as well. Your daughters are in my prayers.

Losh said...

Beautiful and so terribly sad.

I have no advice on how to get through this, just sending you my love and hoping that the comfort of your other two lovely girls, whilst not taking away from your sorrow, will bring you enough joy to allow you to bear it. xxx

WannabeMommy said...

Oh, man... I just balled when I read this post. I cannot convey how very sorry I am for you and your family. I'm so glad, however, that you have the beautiful photos to forever remember Evelyn by.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

That final thought about no foot being too small is what finally did me in. Jen, I am so sorry. Holding you in my heart.

Nicole said...

I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. I have identical twin girls who survived unimaginable odds - so we faced the possibility of losing them throughout our entire pregnancy.....so I can empathize to a point. With that being said....your grief is unimaginable and it is SO true that you truly knew her best besides her sister. I can tell you are strong. I can tell that you are realistic in your grief and you know that how you feel is warranted and that's important. I hope that you will find some peace and know that you have the prayers of so many with you.

katman110 said...

Just came back to let you know that you and your little girls have been constantly in my thoughts for the past 2.5 weeks. And am sending much love your way...

WorryWart said...

....I've read your blog since you were preggers with Olivia and thrilled to find you were expecting again, but it never crossed my mind that this would happen...I think about you and your family every day and wish I knew you personally so I could give you hugs...

erin said...

I cannot imagine the pain you are continuing to go through, but continue to hope for the best for Ainsley. I check back here daily for updates on her progress and hoping to hear that you and your DH and Olivia are as well as can be in the shadow of this sadness. I hope that you update us all soon on Ainsley's progress. We are all thinking of you and praying for your family

Courtney said...

Just thinking of you and your family. Hoping Ainsley is making good progress. Like so many, I hold you in my heart and prayers.

Hoping that you are encountering nothing but wonderful people and a huge outpouring of support and love and kindness as you navigate this profoundly difficult terrain(and I am certainly hoping NOTHING like that NICU incident occurs again. Once was more than enough).

Jess said...

Just wanted to let you know that we're still thinking of you. Hope that Ainsley is doing well, and the rest of your family too.

Christine said...

Hope all is well with your family, especially Ainsley. Your lack of updates has me a little worried- I keep checking back every day.
Praying for you guys!

Jennifer said...

Thinking of you and checking back frequently for updates on all of you. No pressure, just warm thoughts.

clearness said...

Still loving you guys and sending prayers your way.

Jeremy said...

I can't do anything but cry.Your blog has been a blessing to me and my wife. I'm so very sorry.

Mommy said...

sending so much love to you, mark, and your beautiful girls. thank you for telling your story and know that there are hundreds of people who will keep evelyn's story alive with/for you. i'm so sorry for your loss. i would send you another box of kleenex...

xoxo
leanne

ASP said...

Thinking of you and holding you and your family close to my heart.

Peapod said...

I don't know what to say other than it's so obvious to me how much Evelyn is loved by you and by so many others.

Chantel said...

I would love to connect with you.... I lost my son at 40 weeks to stillbirth. Please, if you need to talk, cry, scream..... I can put you in touch with a woman who lost one of her twins to stillbirth as well. My blog(s) is linked to my profile here. It tells my story of losing Curtis.

{*The Internet Cooking Princess} said...

I am so deeply sorry about everything you and your family are going through. You guys are ALL troopers. (Not trying to take the spotlight away from Ainsley, but you guys deserve a lot of credit for holding up so well.) Sending you virtual percocets, beers, and cupcakes. Your friend, ICP

Colleen said...

I am so very sorry. I read your blog a couple years back when you had your first daughter and just came across it. I am catching myself up. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious girl.