Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Everything was fine. Until it wasn't.

I don't even know where to begin to tell this story. The ending sucks, and who likes to read a story when you know that the ending sucks? But I feel like it should be written, because it's Evelyn's story, and it's Ainsley's story, and so I'm going to get it out there and someday hope that I can come back and read it without feeling like my insides are being torn apart.  I'm literally going to word vomit it all over.  It won't be funny and if you don't want to read it then I don't really blame you.

Tuesday, we had an ultrasound. Hog Baybee - Evelyn - was looking perfect, as usual. Itty Bitty Baybee - Ainsley - hadn't grown in two weeks. That, combined with my ridiculous blood pressure and protein-filled urine bought us a C-Section. 

I got my first steroid shot Monday night, and it is best to wait 48 hours from the first shot to deliver the babies.  So we were scheduled for our C-Section Thursday morning at 9.

We were constantly monitored.  The babies heart rates were perfect and my blood pressure was high but under control.  It was just a waiting game at that point - rest, relax, and be sliced from hip to hip.  No biggie.

Mark settled into the hospital with me Wednesday so we could spend the night hanging out before the babies came.  It felt like a little adventure.  We had the laptop and we watched movies.  We were actually watching Step Brothers when Everything Went Terribly Wrong.

Right around the Catalina Wine Mixer part of Step Brothers, Evelyn popped off the heart monitor.  Not a big deal, since both girls moved around so much, they'd have to reposition the monitors every hour or so to keep track of the heartbeats.

The nurse tried for about 20 minutes to find Evelyn before she let another nurse try.  "Fresh hands and ears."  The other nurse tried for another 20 minutes.  "Let's get a doppler, we can hear so much better and once we find her with that it will be easier to get the monitor back on."

Doppler = my heartbeat and Ainsley's heartbeat.

"Alright, let's do an ultrasound."

This is right about the point where I couldn't look at Mark.  I didn't want to be alarmist but...really?  It never took this long before.  5-10 minutes?  Sure.  My babies were movers and shakers and we'd often just get movement sounds until they settled in to rest.  But this was getting to be almost an hour at this point.

One doctor tried the ultrasound and couldn't find anything.  She called another doctor.  I couldn't breathe.  The other doctor sounded stressed, "Tell me what I'm looking at here.  Transverse and breech?  What should I be looking at?"

Our nurse started to pat my leg.  I started to cry uncontrollably.  It was quiet.  They asked for Dr. Davis.  I couldn't look at anyone and couldn't breathe.  Dr. Davis came - the same doctor who delivered my Olivia two years ago - and tried the ultrasound one last time.  "I can't find the heartbeat on Baby A.  I'm so, so sorry." 

One of the other doctors gave me a hug and was crying too.  They paged my doctor, Dr. Stewart, and I said I just needed time alone.  I felt Ainsley kick.  I'd never been so scared in my entire life.

We had a few minutes to call our families to let them know that we'd be having our C-Section right away.  Only 12 hours away from the C-Section that was planned back when everything was fine and when we were excited to meet our two girls.

I was so puffy, it took forever to get my new IV in.  I was so upset that I couldn't follow simple directions and people had to start saying things to me multiple times, even grabbing my arm and leading me around.  All I could hear was roaring in my ears and every time someone talked to me I could see their lips move but couldn't hear the words.  The medication for the spinal made me nauseated and I spent about 15 minutes groaning with my face in a barf bag.

Mark came in after my spinal was done, and they let me have my arms free so that I could hold Mark's hand.  We cried.  It was as awful as you'd imagine.

Ainsley was born first.  They held her up over the sheet and she looked totally pissed off.  And she looked just like Olivia when she was born. 

A little bit of blood dripped onto the drape and so we were distracted when they held Evelyn up.  They had to tell us to look.  She was bigger but looked just like her sister.  Except pale.  She was really pale.  She didn't look pissed off.  She looked perfectly peaceful.

Mark went to watch Ainsley be cleaned and weighed.  He took her picture.  He doesn't really remember what they said.  She cried a little.

I could see the nurse with Evelyn.  She was putting a pink polka dot gown on her.  She swaddled her and put her in a tiny carrier.

Both our parents were in recovery when we got there.  We held Evelyn.  She was perfect.  She looked like she was asleep - I'm not sure what I thought a stillborn baby would look like, but she looked alive and asleep. 

Evelyn was beautiful.  A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came to take photos of her.  It was the most horrible experience.  We did it because I would regret it forever if I didn't, but it was heartbreaking.  Our first and last pictures with our daughter.  The photographer was kind and respectful. 

We made arrangements.  Discussed funeral homes.  Autopsies.  We got a memory box.  Like we'd ever forget.

We saw Ainsley briefly before she was sent to Children's NICU.  She was so small. 

We were scared.

We kept Evelyn with us all night.  I couldn't hold her anymore after a certain point because the more I held her the more I worried I wouldn't be able to let her go.

Mark took our parents to see Ainsley.  I couldn't go because I was still hooked up to my catheter and my blood pressure was insanely high.  The official report: small, but doing well.  A fighter, but we already knew that.

Now, Ainsley is six days old.  She's getting stronger.  She's small and perfectly beautiful.  We love her so much.  I will write more about her later.

268 comments:

1 – 200 of 268   Newer›   Newest»
Amber said...

I am so so very sorry. You've been in my thoughts and prayers since your last update. It's wonderful news that Ainsley is doing well.

Lisa said...

Delurking again, just for you because your special ;) so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing to have to endure. Thank you for the update because even I, a total stranger, has been thinking about you and your sweet baby girls since your last post.

stumbull said...

There are no words. I cried the whole time I read your story. I am so glad little ainsley is holding her own.

Lynn said...

I've said it before... And I'll say it again. Your bravery and poise will never cease to amaze me. You are constantly in my thoughts.

Allison said...

I'm praying for your whole family. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now... but at the same time, I held my breath when you wrote about Ainsley's birth. Congratulations on your beautiful little fighter.

Michelle said...

So so sorry for your lose. It's heartbreaking but at the same time wonderful that Ainsley is doing good. You will be in my thoughts and prayers..

Charbelle said...

Y'all have been in my thoughts and prayers since your last post. I'm so very sorry. Praying for you Ainsley that she keeps fighting and gets to come home soon!!!

Flyover Belle said...

I've been thinking about you and your family, and worrying about you, ever since you posted the news. I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Your strength has always, always impressed me - and I suspect Ainsley gets hers from you. Please know that innumerable people who don't know you in person are keeping you in their thoughts.

hannah said...

I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet baby Evelyn. It's so incredibly unfair and cruel.... You, your husband and all 3 of your girls remain in my thoughts. I'm so sorry.

Hillary said...

Jen- thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are so brave and strong. My heart aches for you right now. I am sending prayers your way for a peaceful heart and mind.

Laura said...

I've been thinking about you all week hoping you will find the strength to get through every single day.

rebecca said...

Oh Jen, you have been in my thoughts and prayers so much these past few days. "I couldn't hold her anymore after a certain point because the more I held her the more I worried I wouldn't be able to let go" - I felt the same way with Lily...it was so incredibly painful letting go. Hoping so much that Ainsley continues to get stronger and healthier. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hoping you continue to feel surrounded by the love and support of so many and have the strength you need to make it through each day.

LJB said...

I can't imagine what you guys are going through... I had a missed miscarriage once at 3 months and I remember how absolutely gutted and nauseous I felt when they couldn't find a heartbeat... but I can't compare that to your experience... Ainsley will soon be able to come home with you and I'm sure she'll bring you lots of joy and makes you smile and maybe take away some of the pain...

Mom of the Twinkies and Tot! said...

I've been thinking of you constantly since your first post. Through it all you sound so strong, although I'm sure a lot of it is just a front to keep you going minute by minute. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now & pray that you find comfort somewhere. I'm sure you'll find comfort (& horribly so, pain as well) in Ainsley. All I can say is that she is so lucky to have a guardian angel in her sister, how many people can honestly say that? Words cannot express how much we are all (hundreds upon hundreds of us in bloggy land) are thinking of you & praying for you constantly!

Keep growing strong Miss Ainsley!

Blair said...

Jen...I have no words. I'm just so sorry. So, so sorry. & I am praying for you.

krlr said...

I am so very sorry. My first baby was stillborn - I know there are no words that will help but my heart goes out to you and your family.

Colleen said...

Just in case you didn't know, you have to be the strongest woman I "know". I am so sorry and you and your family have been constantly in my thoughts.

Mrs. Higrens said...

You and your family continue to be in my heart.

projectkjetil said...

I am thinking of you and your whole family, and I'm so sorry.

Four Ransom's said...

Just cant believe it...still thinking of you and your family...

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm so sorry that Evelyn couldn't stay. My thoughts are with you.

Kerri said...

I've been thinking about you guys so much, Jen. I'm so glad to hear that Ainsley continues to be a little fighter. I bet she'll be home with you in no time.

I'm glad you got to spend time with your sweet Evelyn & were able to get pictures taken. You will cherish those. I'm just so sorry for your loss.

Paranoid said...

I am so glad to hear that Ainsley is doing well.

Thank you for sharing your story -- it cannot have been easy to write. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Shannon said...

Jen- I cant stop thinking about you guys. I read your post today and had that lump in the back of my throat the whole time. Continued thoughts for your family.
Shannon

Jessica said...

I am so very very sorry for your loss of Evelyn. I am sitting here crying right now. I'm happy Ainsley is doing well and hope she continues to thrive.

You will continue to be in my thoughts.

VHMPrincess said...

delurking too - I'm so sorry. I have no words, but it is wonderful to hear Ainsley is doing well!

Milla said...

Sending all the love and best wishes we have to you and Ainsley, Mark and Olivia. Thank you for writing out your story, it will stay with us. I am so sorry, this shouldn't be able to happen. Hang on in there together. Sending hugs and anything else that we have. x

Courtney said...

I am still sending so much love and prayers your way. I just cant imagine how hard and how you could possibly feel. No words could ever make it better but i feel the need to so i am sorry anyways. I am sorry you have to go through this and i am sorry your heart is broken. I am glad to hear little A is doing well. HUGS!

Sarah said...

So incredibly sorry for your loss. Glad to hear that Ainsley is doing well. You are in my prayers.

lissasue3 said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. No mother should have to.

*huge hugs*

I lost my Charlotte at 37 weeks when I felt no movement and they couldn't find her HB. I know your exact feelings and I'm so sorry.

Sarah said...

Keeping you and your family in my heart.

Tiffany said...

Jen I love you for sharing your story with us all. I hate that this is happening to you all. I adore that you are strong enough to write.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and how I owe Oliver to you.
If you hadn't made me get new doctors and go get checked out, my heart wouldn't be so full now. Thanks for that, and for sharing your stories.
I'm glad to count you among my friends.
All my love,
Tiff

Tammy said...

Always on my mind and forever in my heart...Evelyn will be. You and your little girls are loved by all. Praying that Ainsley keeps getting stronger and comes home to you all soon. You are a terrific mom, Jen...hang in there. I know that wasnt easy to write...thank you for sharing your story. I'm here if you need me for anything at all, just call. Hugs.

Courtney said...

You, Mark, and your three girls are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sarah S said...

My heart is breaking for you.

I know I have no words to take away your pain.

I am sending you tons of hugs and prayers!!

Sarah

The Editor, The Professor, The Baby, and the Mutt said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength is truly awe inspiring. Please take good care of yourself too in these tough times. All good wishes...

Lyndz said...

Thank you for sharing this story. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best. You and your family have been in my thoughts.

lis said...

Oh Jen, I have been waiting for a post from you. I can imagine the past few days have been so confusing and strange. The scenes you describe are so scary and I'm glad you and your husband were together that night, for each other and for the babies. Stillbirth is not an easy thing to come to terms with, I guess that's kind of obvious, but one thing that helped me (eventually) was thinking that my girls knew nothing but warmth and peace their whole lives. You gave Evelyn an amazing life inside of you. I wish she could have stayed. I'm so glad you have pictures to remember her by-they will be cherished. Sending love and peace to you and your family. Sending strength to Ainsley and comfort to little Olivia. xoxo lis

Erin said...

Thank you for sharing, Jen. Beautifully written. Can I just tell you how awesomely brave you are? An inspiration, really.

Rachel B. said...

I can't stand this for you. It is not fair. I'm so so sorry.

Laurel said...

Oh, Jen. I am just so sorry--words can't express. I've thought of you many times the past few days; someone I don't know, far away, going through the worst thing that can happen to anyone. You and your family are very much in my thoughts and prayers. I am so happy to hear that Ainsley is doing well and bringing you joy in the midst of your grief. Love to her and strength to you all.

lparsons15 said...

Oh god, Jen I have no words. Thank you for sharing this story. I am so sorry, just so so so beyond sorry for your loss. Praying for your family. Thank Goodness Ainsley is holding her own and being the little fighter she is..

Heathrow's World said...

I'm so so sorry. I've been thinking about you for days. You and your family are in our thoughts.

Moe's mom said...

Long time lurker here...

I am so sorry for you loss of dear, precious Evelyn. You cared for her wonderfully. She was loved without measure her entire short, sweet life. She knew no pain. She was always and forever will be in your hearts.

Jen, I was very depressed thoughout my struggle to conceive. Reading your blog really helped me not take myself so seriously sometimes. You are a wonderful writer.

Please take care of yourself in these hard days ahead. You are a special person. Who knows why bad things happen to good people.

Mrs. Bee said...

This sucks- it just plain sucks. I'm sorry for being so blunt but it's not fair. Everything was going fine. I hate this for you, for anyone for that matter and I feel really angry/sad/disheartened that this happened to you and your family. You don't know me, I don't know you but all I want to do is wrap you in my arms and pretend like that will make all the hurt go away. I'm praying for you.

Erin

Jamie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I've been a long time lurker on your blog and may have commented a few times, but felt the need to say lots of people are praying for you.

Lisa said...

What an amazing woman you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Extra prayers that Ainsley continues to get stronger with each passing minute.

sprogblogger said...

I am so very sorry. No words are right to tell you how horrified I am by this outcome. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Jenn said...

I haven't read any of the comments above mine so if this is repeatative, I'm sorry.

I'm crying. Literally, I have tears falling down my cheeks.

I never thought it would end like this, Jen. You are the second blogger's pregnancy I've followed from beginning to end.

I'm sorry. I'm thankful for Ainsley and I'm thankful that Evelyn didn't look pissed off and was prefectly peaceful.

I'm sad. I sort of feel like this is one of the times I cry when I watch Grey's Anatomy. Like, I cry because I SO actually know these characters, but really, they're not real.

You're real and your story is real. I'm crying like Grey's Anantomy, Jen.

Much love from Texas,
Jenn B

Miriam said...

Delurking to say that I am so so sorry for your loss. Even though we've never met, I've been thinking of you and your family, and wishing you peace and healing.

stb said...

I am so so sorry for your loss.

lori said...

my heart is broken for you, jennifer. i am so, so sorry.

Trinity said...

I'm so genuinely sorry, Jen. So much love to your family...

Christa said...

I'm so so so so sorry. Thank you for letting us know what happened, as we've all been thinking of you. You and your family will remain in our thoughts.

alison said...

I really don't even have the words to tell you how truly sorry I am. And in the same breath, I don't want to take away from happy I am for you that sweet Ainsley is here and such a fighter and holding her own. You guys are in my heart. xo

Baby Mama, Too said...

I am so sorry for your loss, it is just so unfair and cruel. You and your family are in my thoughts, as you are in so many others' thoughts. I can only hope that it is some teeny amount of comfort to know how many lives your story has touched.

Courtney said...

Thank you for sharing Evelyn's, Ainsley's, and your story. You have amazing strength - a strength that most of us can't even imagine having at a time like this.

I wish you peace in the days and months ahead - and I wish Ainsley strength and (even more!) determination in her quest to get home soon. She is an inspiration - just like her mommy :)

Adinda said...

Thank you for sharing your story. You have a beautiful way of telling us your story that makes it feel like we are there with you in the joy and the pain. There are so many things that I want to say to try and make it better but I know no words can. Your entire family continues to be in my prayers. May God give you peace beyond any understanding, strength to stand, and love to wrap around you.

Klare Family said...

Jen,

God Bless you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my twins almost 2 years ago, and this story just breaks my heart into a million peices. I just want to give you a giant hug! Evelyn, will always be with you. Again, my prayers are with you.

CassJustCurious said...

I will pray and light candles for you and your girls tonight.

kimalli1 said...

Tears are running down my face- I cannot even imagine. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Jess said...

Thanks for the update, Jen. I've been thinking of you since your last post - I don't think I've ever wondered how a complete stranger was doing so frequently in my life. Still so so sorry about Evelyn, but glad to hear Ainsley is doing well.

Lisa said...

Nothing I can say seems appropriate or adequate, or anything, really. But to read and not comment seems worse.

I am so, so sorry, Jen.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

It's hard to type through the tears. I just wanted you to know that you and your beautiful family are in my prayers. ((HUGS))

Mel said...

I read this while feeding my little one breakfast and couldn't fight back the tears. I had to go in the other room and cry uncontrollably for a few minutes. I'm just so heartbroken for you, I can't even put it in to words. I dont know why these things happen to such wonderful people. Im so, so, sorry.
I'm glad Ainsley is doing so well. She is strong like her Mommy. The NICU Is a strange journey that we know well, but have a perfectly healthy toddler to show for it now. Thinking of you constantly...

Cassie said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of Evelyn, but so happy to hear that Ainsley is doing well.

Kathleen said...

Many more prayers sent your way. I'm so sorry.

Stacey said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story...I've been checking in every day. I'm so happy to hear that Ainsley is doing well and will keep on praying that she contiues her fight. Hope that YOU are doing ok and have plenty of people taking good care of you too. Thinking about you all the time...

Lisa said...

Thank you for sharing, Jen.

I've been thinking of you often these last couple of days.

This song was presented to me after my 2nd late miscarriage. I wanted to share it with you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Amy said...

There are no words. I'm happy that Ainsley is doing well, but I'm heartbroken that she will never know her sister Evelyn.

You and Mark are in my thoughts and prayers.

Give Olivia a big hug as well.

Krista said...

I don't think I've ever been so heartbroken for someone I've never met. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, Jen. I'm thinking of you from afar...I haven't been able to stop.

Yias Yias Girl said...

Aw Jen, I'm just so sorry for you guys. Poor sweet Evelyn. I'm so glad to hear Ainsley is doing well.

Clair said...

Jen,
I've been checking your blog everyday hoping to hear some news. Thank you soo much for sharing with us - especially since it must be so incredibly painful to see those words in print.
I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain but I hope you know that all your readers, that you bring joy to with every post, are pulling for you and your family and thinking of you.

Thoughts and prayers with you all.
Clair

Northeast Ohio Wedding Planner said...

Couldn't read it without sobbing hysterically. I don't know what to say or how to show my support, but I'll pray for your heart, for your daughters and for some kind of peace with what you've experienced.

Rosie said...

I'm a stranger follower, but have been keeping up with you the entire pregnancy. I cried the second you posted after the birth. I just can't fathom what you and your husband are going through. My thoughts and prayers to you all. And I'm so glad Ainsley is holding her own.

Esperanza said...

I'm so sorry for you loss. I don't know what else to say.

MagaliesGarden said...

Clair said it very well, but thank you for having the strength to keep telling this story. So very glad to hear Ainsley is fighting on, getting stronger. So sad to hear about Evelyn. No one wants to know an angel so personally, but what a special one you have.
Praying On for You and Yours,
Heather

Ellie said...

Delurking to tell you that I am so very, very sorry for your loss of Evelyn.

Losh said...

What an absolutely heart-rending birth story. How I wish for you that the ending could be a different one.

Thank you for sharing and for the update of Ainsley. May she grow big and strong and come home with you very soon.

Sending you and your family love and hope for the forthcoming weeks and months.

Losh, xx

Brenda said...

Jen, I have been checking on you since I read your last post. I am heartbroken for you all. I wish there was something, anything, I could do or say to help you. I just wanted let you know that I am so very, very sorry for the loss of Evelyn. You are an amazing woman to write down her story for her sisters (and us) to read. I will continue to pray for your whole family, including your little fighter Ainsley.

Nic said...

I am so so sorry. Such a sad time. Sorry for your loss.
I hope Ainsley gets stronger everyday.
x

Another Julia said...

Thank you for sharing Evelyn's story. It had to have been awful to write, to say nothing of how awful it was to live it. I can't find the words to tell you how incredibly sorry I am. Sending my thoughts, prayers, and love.

Courtney said...

Thank you for sharing that. I'm sure it was surreal and incredibly painful to write. You have been through the fire more than most of us can imagine. My heart just aches for you.

renee said...

Exactly what Clair said.
Jen, I have not stopped thinking about you and your family since the night it happened when I heard from the girls. there really is nothing to say except that I am thinking about you constantly and praying for you every chance I get. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain, but I know there is not. I wish I understood why something so horrible would happen so someone so amazing, but I do not.
I am glad, however that Ainsley is doing well. I do look forward to hearing more about her. The NICU freaking sucks. end of story. But I do hope that she gets through it easily and is home where she belongs very soon.

sabrina's spot said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of Evelyn. I can't even imagine how difficult this all is, was or will be. Please stay strong and know that my prayers and many, many others out in cyberspace are praying for strength needed during this time. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know you didn't have to.

Allison said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story and I hope you know that all of us are thinking of you and your family. I've been saying prayers for you and will continue to do so. I hope Ainsley continues to fight and grows up to be just like Olivia. I pray for peace for you and your family.

Tara said...

So sorry for all you have been through. Continued thoughts for you and your family.

JenM said...

I am so glad you were able to write this. This isn't her whole story. She was loved before she was born, before she was conceived. She was warm and safe and with her sister. She will always be in your heart and in so many of ours. I am so sorry that she didn't get to stay.

Ainsley is a lucky little girl who will always have an angel twin watching over her. I am sorry that her birth story will always be side by side with grief but she is a feisty little girl like her Mommy and I can't wait to see her continue to kick ass in the NICU. We love you guys and wish we could do anything to make this better for you.

KnottyMonkey said...

Like many of the posters above, I've been reading your blog for a long time but have never commented. I just wanted to let you know how deeply sorry I am for your loss. You and your family have been in my thoughts all week. Thank you for sharing the story with us, I can imagine how hard it is to do so. I am so glad to hear that Ainsley is doing well. You are all in my thoughts.

The Salem Family said...

Jen, thank you so much for sharing your story. I haven't stopped thinking about you since you first announced on ADM you were headed to the hospital. My heart breaks for you guys, and I wish there was more I could do. You, Ainsley, Mark, and Olivia will remain in my thoughts and prayers!! <3 you guys!

kayee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kayee said...

Thank you for having the strength to share. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your dear Evelyn. I can't even imagine what you and your family are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time and for Ainsley to grow big and strong.

Kate said...

I too have been thinking about you all since your last post and am so glad to hear that your little fighter is doing well.

Gwen said...

I've been thinking of you often since your last message. I am so sorry for what you went through, and continue to go through. I don't know if you know it already, but have you heard of Glow in the Woods? It's a blog, and an online community of people who have lost children, many of them through stillbirth. www.glowinthewoods.com

Stephanie said...

I've been thinking about you every day since you're last post. Thank you for having the strength and courage to write about this. Your story was so sad, but you wrote it so beautifully.

I'm glad to hear that Ainsley is getting stronger. I hope she's strong enough soon to go home.

Thinking of all of you.

Jen J said...

I don't even know where to begin. I'm in tears as I read this. I've never experienced it before so I don't know where to begin to offer comfort. Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Know that Ainsley is in my thoughts and prayers.

I wish that I could say more than that. I wish that I could give you a hug.

Sara B said...

Jen, this is just heartbreaking. I can't even imagine the range of emotions you must be experiencing. I am so sorry for your loss but glad to hear Ainsley is doing well. I will continue thinking of you and praying for your recovery.

Wendy said...

I've been thinking about you and your family nonstop. I'm so sorry this horrible sadness has been etched into your hearts. Much love to you and yours.

Pyjammy Pam said...

Oh Jen. I'm so sorry to have to read this. My heart has been hurting for you ever since we learned that you lost your sweet Evelyn.

I hope Ainsley continues to do well.

Enough happiness said...

Thank you for the update. I am so sorry for your loss and will keep praying for all of you.

Jennifer said...

First of all, thank you for taking the time to tell us Evelyn's story. you didn't have to do that, but I am glad that you did. As far as saying something supportive and loving... I am at a loss for words.
Just please know that we are here for you.
Ainsley, Please keep fighting little one. We want to meet you. You have an amazing Mama, a sweet Daddy and a HILARIOUS and kind big sis waiting for you at home.

Hugs, prayers and love, Jenn from all of us.

*~*Lis*~* said...

Thank you or taking the time to share - I've been thinking about you non-stop. I wish there was something, anything I could do.

Erin said...

Jen,
This broke my heart - again. While I don't have the words to express my condolences to you and your family (because they do not exist), I would like to tell you that your gracefulness in such an unimaginable time is nothing short of beautiful and inspiring. Your girls - all three of them - are so lucky to have you. As an aside, and knowing nothing, nothing, NOTHING of what you are going through - this story and the way you were able to share it with total strangers was nothing short of courageous.

I can't wait to hear more about little Ainsley and Miss Olivia.

-Erin

Lauren and Kevin said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine.

Thank you for sharing your girls' story. Praying Ainsley continues to do very well and will be home with you soon.

Jeff and Kerry said...

Thinking of you in Colorado...

waitingforbabyk said...

I am so heartbroken for you, I have been thinking about you often. Glad to hear that Ainsley is doing well, no doubt she has your spirit and determination. Hope you are physically recovering well from your c-section and crazy high blood pressure. Praying for you and your family!

Gurlee said...

Yet another "stranger" who is thinking about you and sending love your way. I am deeply sorry. I am so happy that the little fighter is doing well. I hope you get better physically, Olivia will need you. Mentally, it will never be the same. I am sorry.
Love and peace.

JB said...

I don't even know what the fuck to say. "Sorry" just seems inadequate times a million. I do know, from following you on your blog, that if anyone can get through this, it's you. I hope you heal quickly, in every possible way.

--Jen

Chicago Mom (Heather) said...

I'm so so sorry. You are the 3rd person I know who has had this same experience. I'm at a loss for words. You are in my thoughts and prayers...

JennloveAustin said...

I am so sorry. Nothing I can say will make it any better. I am heartbroken.

Traci said...

Jen my heart is absolutely broken for you and your family. I think of you all often and hope that Ainsley continues to do well. I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now.

Katrina said...

You've been heavy on my mind ever since the first post about your girls. My heart aches for you and your family. I hope you're finding some small moments of peace despite it all.

Rachael said...

I'm so glad to hear that Ainsley is doing well, and I am honored that you've told us Evelyn's story. Thank you. This is incredibly unfair and I am heartbroken for you and your family.

Denise said...

Sending you and your family lots of prayers.

Katie said...

Thinking of you and your family. Thank you for sharing Evelyn's story, I'm sure it was incredibly difficult. Just wanted to give you some virtual (((hugs))) from the MoMfia girls and I'm happy to hear that little Ainsley is doing well.

Leah said...

I am very glad that Ainsley is doing good and thank you for sharing Evelyn's srory. You have been on my heart often and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

stephanie said...

I can barely see through the tears. My heart is absolutely broken for you and Mark.

I am so sorry you lost Evelyn. I'm so so sorry. Thank you for sharing her with us. And please know that total strangers are thinking of her, of Ainsley, of Olivia and you and anything you want to share, we want to support you.

I pray (and not very often, let me tell you) for peace for you and for Ainsley's strength.

Much love.

Ruby said...

Thank you so much for sharing the story. I just.... I've been thinking of you guys SO much the past week.

Evelyn was an awesome big sister to Ainsley. She must have been looking out for her inside your body. Making sure she behaved. I'm so sorry she couldn't be the "big" sister on the outside too.

I'm so glad Ainsley is doing okay. You will all continue to be in my thoughts.

Shannon said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

middleagedrunner said...

Sending thoughts and preyers your way. You are one brave lady and your girls, and whole family are lucky to have you.

Momma Chaos said...

I'm trying to write thru my tears as I read this story. It's so freakin unfair. Words seem inadequate so I will just send love & hugs to all of you.

Deanna said...

The best and worst experience of your lives. I am thankful that you had the NYLMDTS photographer.

Take care.

Lorrie said...

Your story left me with tears running down my cheeks. I am so, so, SO VERY sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.

Cory said...

I have been reading your diary awhile, and this is the first time I have commented. I am so so sorry for your families loss, and it's hard to congratulate and express sorrow for you all at the same time. Prayers for Ainsley's short time in the NICU and hoping she's home with you guys sooner than later. And prayers that while you won't probably ever fully heal, that the days get easier and know that Evelyn is watching over you all every moment of everyday now.

e.k. said...

oh god Jen. I am so, so sorry. I am so sorry.

Shelby said...

I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart hurts thinking about how painful it must have been just to type the words. You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so happy that Ainsley is getting stronger and doing well. You have a lot of people that care about you and your family.

Jeannie said...

I'm so incrediably sorry for the loss of your sweet Evelyn.
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Patty said...

through very tearful eyes, i can't tell you enough how so very sad i am for you and your family.

thirtiesgirl said...

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Juicy said...

Jen, I've been thinking about you every single day since before your last post. I have no words to tell you how incredibly sad I am for you and your family. Just know that I'm thinking about you. A total stranger is thinking about you and wishing I could make it all better. :(

Congratulations on Ainsley, I can't wait to hear more about her.

mizbiz said...

Thanks for taking the time to update us. I'm so glad Ainsley is doing well. I've been thinking of you all week. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts.

Jaci said...

I want to say "Jen, this is so very, very well written," but it doesn't seem appropriate to talk about writing style now.

It's Evelyn and Ainsley's story and you told it beautifully. In your style. With a little bit of Jennepper humor peeking through in just the right places. I hope when you are able to read it without feeling torn apart, you'll see that you did an amazing job.

veevs said...

Just like many others, I've been thinking about you and your family since your last post. Keep getting stronger, little Ainsley. We're rooting for you. Come home soon.

Angie said...

The pictures definitely are/were an awful experience, but when you see them, you will be so glad you did it. And I know that writing the story out isn't easy, either, but you'll be glad you did it, too.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Evelyn.

Luna said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.
:'(

Bree said...

I've been stalking you since the girls' birthday. Asking the universe to grant you peace and for Ainsley to keep growing big and strong. Thinking of sweet Evelyn.

Amy said...

I am in tears reading this. I am so very sorry. No parent should ever have to bury a child. My heart is broken for you.

Manda, Jerrame & Ryvr said...

I can't imagine what you must be going through, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You have a tremendous spirit that reaches out and grabs a hold (even through the computer!), but don't be afraid to lean on those around you.

...Long time reader, first time commenter

Jennifer said...

Thank you for sharing Evelyn, Ainsley and your story. You and your family are in my thoughts. I'm sending your family prayers of strength, love and peace. And extra prayers of thanksgiving for your little fighter Ainsley.

DianeTaylor said...

OMG I am a freaking mess after reading your update. Suddenly all those problems I've been thinking about just melted away compared to this.

Prayers to you, Jen - we are all thinking about you.

Emily said...

no words just ::hugs::

Barefoot said...

Thank you for the update -- I know that must have been hell to write. Thinking of you and your family every day.

Jamie said...

Thank you for sharing Evelyn with us. You have been in my thoughts and prayers since I heard.

*hugs*

Hopeful Mother said...

Thinking of you, Mark, and all of your beautiful girls. Sending you hugs and strength.

Michelle said...

My heart is breaking for you. It is unbelievable. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Evelyn, who was so, so loved.

I want to congratulate you on the birth of Ainsley, and I am so happy that she is thriving despite her small size. I can't wait to hear more about her when you are ready to share.

Ashley said...

Jen,

I think about you and your family everyday. I pray that all of you will be surrounded by warm hearts and gentle hands at this complex time.

Peace,

Ashley Cheung

brooke said...

I'm so glad to hear that your little Ainsley is getting stronger and I'm heartbroken for you about Evelyn. It's a trauma and a grief and incredibly unfair.

Melissa said...

Jen I'm am so so so sorry for your loss of Evelyn. What an amazingly strong woman and mother you are. I am thinking and praying that Ainsley gets stronger every single day. Know that you are constantly in our thoughts.

- Melissa

Mel said...

I cannot even think about you at any time of a day without welling up with tears right now and I know you only via the FREAKING INTERNET. This story breaks my heart and I just cannot even imagine how you and your family and feeling right now. Thank you for sharing in spite of your pain. You're on my heart.

Mel

mjb said...

So sorry for your loss - I can't imagine what you're going through in terms of hope and grief right now.

Joanna said...

I am so sorry Jen. My heart was in my throat the entire time I read your post and tears streamed down my face. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

clearness said...

It seem so small and insignificant but I'm so sorry. I am praying for all of you.

mg said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I've been thinking about your and your family; I am so sorry that you are going through this.

BB said...

Sending warm hugs your way!

dmarie said...

what a painfully beautiful tribute to your loss and your love. bless you.

Laura said...

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. This is a beautiful and painful experience that you've captured in your post very lovingly.

katman110 said...

Thank you, Jen, for sharing your girls' story with us...
I am so so so sorry you have broken this way. But I am also glad your little Ainsley is a stong little fighter. (Not that that could ever undo or lessen your loss. I hope no one ever implies that...)

I also wanted to state the obvious: You do not have to be funny and your stories do not have to be happy for us to like you. You are an amazing, strong, smart, loving woman, Jen, and that will always shine through -- your girls (all three of them) are superbly lucky to have you as a mom.

You have given us so much throughout the years, Jen; I only wish there was a way for us to give a little something back during these difficult times. If you can think of any way in which we can help -- a fund in Evelyn's memory; help with funeral costs; a food service; anything, really; please do not hesitate to let us know.

I also hope your friends in real life will come through for you. People are notorious for letting down babylost mamas, for disappearing off the face of the earth, or saying the most inappropriate, stupid things. I sincerely hope this is not the case for you.

I am thinking about you, mama. (I have been, non-stop, for days now.) I hope you are now at home and recuperating well from the c-section; and that holding Olivia again can help warm your heart and soul a little. During my own loss (which, granted, was nothing like yours) I found that cuddling with my daughter and singing "you are my sunshine" through the tears was immensely healing. Much love to you all...

Parsing Nonsense said...

Oh Jen, my heart's been breaking for you and your family since last week. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm so sorry that Evelyn is gone.

I'm so glad Ainsley is a fighter. I love that name, and I'll keep praying for her recovery.

Kristina said...

I have been thinking about you ever since I read your last post. That is just a heartbreaking story, and I'm so very sorry you are going through this. Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family for the loss of sweet Evelyn. And for little Ainsley to continue growing strong so she can go home to her family where she belongs.

Nicole said...

Jen and Fam-Ive followed you since O and I feel like I truly know you and your fam and I am grieving in your loss of Evelyn with you. Though I am so happy to hear that Ainsley is doing very well. Thinking of you!

Des said...

I'm really sorry Jen. If I could crawl through the computer to give you a hug right this second I would.

lena said...

My heart aches for you and your family. Glad to hear Ainsley is doing good. You're all in my thoughts.

Good Egg Hatched said...

I wish there were something I could say that could reach your pain, but I know there probably isn't, because, really, who am I to you? But I felt your loss the other night like a real-life friend's loss. There are so many of us out here who genuinely care about what you're going through because you've opened up your life to us through this really funny, warm-hearted blog. I hope that provides some small comfort to you in the days ahead.

I hope that each moment gets a little bit easier for you. I hope that Ainsley continues to get stronger and stronger. And I hope you have lots of real-life support whenever you need it. Thank you for sharing your story -- that couldn't have been easy but I do believe that someday you will be glad you are doing these things to remember her.

JP said...

Beautiful and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that this is your story to tell. Glad to hear that Ainsley is doing well.

Kathleen said...

Hi Jen. I too have been thinking about you and your family ever since your last post. I don't pray, but I am holding you all close to my heart. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was to write this post, so I thank you for sharing with us what happened. I am so, so sorry for all your pain, and I'm glad to hear Ainsley is doing well. Take care.

Melissa G said...

Hugs. Just hugs.

Carolyne said...

Jen I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Thinking of you all.

Ryan & Amber said...

Jen, I'm so, so sorry. Praying for you and your family.

Rebecca said...

I am sorry. So very sorry. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way.

Jamie @ Bungalow Bee said...

Crying for you...your family is in my prayers. I've been thinking about you guys ever since your post about the girls' birth. I'm so heartbroken for you.

Kerrik said...

I'm so sorry for all you have had to endure, and my heart goes out to your whole family.

I'm also so happy that Ainsley is doing well, and getting bigger and stronger with each passing day.

I cried while reading you post, and wished that somehow I could make it end differently. Please accept my condolences.

Stefany said...

I've been thinking of you and your family non stop. Sending my love and prayers.

Preshus said...

I am just so, so devistated for you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Sending my thoughts and hugs.

Emily Erin said...

I am glad that you were able to use NILMDTS; I hope that when you are ready, pictures of Evelyn can help you to heal. I'm cheering for Ainsley and praying for strength for you and your family.

Jackie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss...no parents should EVER have to go through something like this. :( Your family is in my thoughts.

SmartAssMom said...

I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Evelyn. I've read your blog for a long time but rarely if ever comment. I'm so, so sorry.

Melanie Mueller said...

I am soooo sorry for your loss. I will prayer for you to find peace, strength and feel God's presence each and everyday. I will also pray for your sweet Ainsley to get stronger and healthier each day. Thinking of you.

Amy said...

Thank-you for updating, I've been thinking about you and your family a lot lately, and obsessively checking for updates.

I am approaching the anniversary of the loss of my second child. I never knew him/her, as I lost the pregnancy at 13 weeks, right after we'd told everyone we were expecting. It's a hard thing, but not so hard as what you have so bravely gone through this last week. I admit I cried for you, and I never really do that.

After I lost my baby, pretty much the only thing that made me smile was my daughter. I hope you find that comfort in Olivia and Ainsley.

My sincerest wishes for a short and uneventful NICU course for Anisley, so that she can come home to the family that loves her.

Be good to yourself now, and take care so you'll be ready for all the fabulous feeding fun and sleep deprivation that will be on your plate soon!

Steph said...

Jen, I've been praying every day for all of you. Unimaginable grief accompanied by joy of Ainsley. Thanks for sharing with us. Praying Ainsley gets big quickly so she can come home soon!!!

mom2anangel said...

Jen, you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. I appreciate the update and know that you will be glad to have this all written when it is fresh - not that you will forget but the details will get fuzzy. It has been 3 and a half years since I delivered my stillborn son and I still remember being surprised that he seemed alive but sleeping just like you mentioned. He was perfect to my husband and I and we miss him every single day. Thinking of you...

queenofbirds said...

I'm so sorry. I hope in time someone will be able to give you some kind of answer as to why, if it'll help.

Thank you for telling us about Evelyn, and hope to get to hear more about her and Ainsley soon.

Sarah said...

I'm so incredibly sorry for what you're going through, Jen. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Rotten said...

I imagine this story was written with a wet keyboard and puffy eyes so I thank you for taking the time to share such a deeply heartbreaking and personal story. You have made hundreds of other people know who Evelyn was and thus she will remain in other's hearts as well as yours. So glad to hear that Ainsley is doing well.

Linda said...

Oh Kneppers,
I can't believe what you have had to go through, been thinking of you daily- and am amazed at your strength to even be able to write this Jen. Thank you for keeping us posted, tell your little Rock Star Ainsley that the world loves her, and her sister will always be looking out for her- continuing to send love and prayers your way. . .
Linda

krexing said...

Although I am a complete stranger to you, I am just heartbroken over your story. I have not stopped praying for you and your little babies since I read your post last week. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet Evelyn. No mother should have to experience what you're going through.

I'm keeping both of your precious little souls in my prayers, here on earth and in heaven.

Sending lots of love your way.

meinsideout said...

I have lurked for years, you are an amazing woman, you did everything right, I am so sorry, I know that there are no words, my heart goes out to you and your family.

AFGS said...

So so sorry for your loss.

erin said...

It is wonderful to hear that Ainsley is doing well while completely heartbreaking to read of the loss of Evelyn. It was so unexpected and sudden, and from your post, it seems like that is exactly how it happened- suddenly and unexpectedly. I am not even sure what other words can be said other than I am sorry for your loss, happy for the health of Ainsley, and eternally grateful to you for sharing your story and your life with us.

The H's said...

I have no words

Catherine said...

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Not that you'll have much time to read, but the book "Empty Cradle Broken Heart" saved my life and my sanity after my loss. It will help you grieve - I highly recommend it.

Peace

PJ said...

So incredibly unfair.

I am glad that Ainsley is doing well though. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers.

Jennifer said...

Oh Jen, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I'm sitting here in tears just thinking about how scared you and your husband must have been. I'll keep you all in prayers. I hope little Ainsley continues to grow nice and healthy.

Susan Promislo said...

You have helped me get through the insanity of infertility, fertility treatments, two rounds of IVF, one miscarriage, pregnancy, delivery, and the bliss and uncertainty and nuttiness of mothering a little girl who's just a few months behind Olivia. And getting pregnant again. I hope you know how strongly your online family is pulling for you now. I'm saddened beyond words on the loss of Evelyn. I'm cheering for little Ainsley, who is showing herself to be every bit the asskicker that her mom and big sister are.

No one deserves this pain -- not this -- please know you're all in my thoughts and I'm sending every wish for strength and solace to you, your husband and your families.

Laura said...

i am so very sorry. i keep coming back here, hoping the ending changes. my heart is breaking for you. sending much love from connecticut.

Brian and Emily DeLuca said...

Jen,
I never comment, but I've been following your blog since your pregnancy with Olivia. I went through IVF around the same time, and you really helped me through that process with your humor. I always look forward to your updates.
I've been thinking about you and your family since your last post. I am so, so sorry for the loss of Evelyn. I know that nothing anyone says on here can make it better, but hopefully the thought that hundreds, if not thousands, of people are thinking about you and praying for you is somewhat comforting.
Looking forward to hearing of Ainsley coming home soon! Until then, your entire family will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Candice said...

Thank you for writing. I have been thinking about you guys SO MUCH!! Hearing from you makes it seem like maybe, just maybe, you're okay out there (even though you probably aren't). You family had been in my thoughts every night and will stay there. Keep getting stronger Miss Ainsley!

Kate Giovinco Photography said...

I am so sorry to hear about your sweet Evelyn. My thoughts are with you and your family.

CurlyGirly said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sure there is nothing harder than to go through what you went through. I have been constantly thinking about you all and hoping to read good news about Ainsley in your next post. I am so happy that she is doing well.

E said...

Jen, I have said numerous heartfelt prayers for you and your family since you wrote about Evelyn. This is a cruel, horrible turn of events and there are simply no words to describe it. Your strength is amazing, and you have hundreds, if not thousands of internet "strangers" thinking of you and praying for your family. ::hugs:: Just do the best you can. I am so sorry hon.

naturalmel said...

Jen, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm praying for you, Mark, Olivia and Ainsley. I love you for being son honest, open and brave.

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