I got all smug with my good little itty bitty baybee updates - which you pretty much know nothing about since I suck at blogging - but it turns out that the smallest bump in the road is like a giant crater when I'm constantly operating at the brink of Mah Shit: About to be Lost.
Today I lost my damned mind (again) while visiting Ainsley and so I've felt like crap all day and have been completely unable to rally from the horror that is Mah Ugly Cryface. Ainsley had to go back on oxygen, and then back on vapotherm (which is like CPAP, for people who know about such things). And the realization that she was on vapotherm shook me up. I saw the machine and recognized it from her first few days in the NICU. Then they came to round on her about 10 minutes later, and AS ALWAYS they dodged all my questions and gave me their canned answers of "she's just little, we'll have to wait and see," and "you can't take her home until her due date."
No shit I can't take her home. She's smaller than a kitten and can't breathe and is so skinny she has no butt cheeks. But thanks for treating me like an idiot when I try to ask you questions! Good thing the nurse is here to be awesome and comforting after you leave! I'm sure my crying spell makes you think I'm not just an idiot, but also a crazy asshole idiot. I mean it could be worse...I could be a crazy asshole white trash idiot, which seems to be pretty common around here if we're being quite honest.
Hey! Here's a picture!
|Ainsley to Me: What's the big deal, drama queen? I'll breathe when I damn well feel like it.|
Me to Ainsley: You should just be glad that I don't use double negatives. You'll appreciate that some day.
The 40 minute drive (one way!); the lack of sleep; the ridiculous guilt I feel over leaving Olivia every day; the entire life that somehow keeps demanding my attention even though I have a baby in the NICU; the baby that we lost...all of it. All this worry. It's just exhausting to me today.
Tomorrow has to be better.
One Year Ago: Formula Question
Two Years Ago: How Should My Tombstone Read?
Three Years Ago: Babies Bawl at Benihana