And by fight I mean, she was yelling "CHIPS!" and I was trying to calmly explain that she had to "eat regular dinner before she has a treat like chips" and she waited until the exact second I stopped talking to again yell, "CHIPS!"
Everyone knows the whole terrible twos thing, but I don't know why that's so popular because everyone I know detests age 3. And as we are quickly approaching age 3 I can see why.
I recently read this funny blog post laying out the top ten reasons why age 3 is worse than age 2. All that keeps repeating in my mind is #1: Three is two with intent. She knows what she wants, and she knows how to communicate it, and she knows how to protest if not given whatever ridiculous thing she wants.
I believe that, given a more sophisticated vocabulary, Olivia would have replied to my sensible dinner option with a very direct, "fuck that shit, give me chips or give me death." Lucky for us, she has not yet learned the deep pleasure that comes from dropping an F-Bomb but I'm sure it will come soon and publicly because isn't that really how those things usually go?
|She requires two Disney Pwincess Band-Aids per day.|
No boo-boos. Just for generally looking fabulous.
(Also? She would suck on the toothpaste container if I would let her. But spaghetti? Mom, have you lost your mind?)
Last night, I told her she had to eat one grape. One. I figured she would taste it and want more because you guys, these were the sweetest most delicious grapes. I'm an idiot.
After a refusal of epic proportions (she called me mean, which, hahahahaha) she took one bite and then turned her head toward me and gagged from the pit of her chip-craving stomach so hard that I grabbed a throw pillow and put it under her face. Which was the perfect place for her to spit the half-chewed grape.
And then? After that? She put her hands up and casually said, "chips?"
She never did get chips. She got 3 time-outs and a bedtime with no books. And I freaking HATE IT. because she really is such a good, sweet girl. Really. She's just an asshole sometimes. More than half the time, she is totally fun and hilarious and just smart, ya know?
I think I shall ask for a lollipop for dinner for at least the next
forty consecutive days.
Speaking of asshole kids: every one's kid is an asshole sometimes. Don't make excuses or blame other kids or whatever. Own it. If you don't think your kid is an asshole sometimes? Chances are good that everyone else thinks your kid is the biggest asshole.
Speaking of delusional parents: stop taking credit for things you did nothing to create. Your kid slept through the night from day one? You're lucky, not brilliant at fostering good sleep habits. Your kid eats a variety of foods? Good for you. You are lucky, not some brilliant pediatric dietitian. Braggy parents are the ones whose kids are being the assholes while they are ignoring them to brag about how not-assholey they are because of their brilliant parenting skills.
|Chips? Birthday cake? Cheetos?|
Happy meal? Fries?
Playground? Then happy meal?