This morning I got stuck on an elevator with a lady who I shall forever call Douche Canoe. It was my own fault, really. I was in the elevator and saw her coming and held the door until she got there.
Now let me tell you why I am usually not nice like that.
Douche Canoe: when's that baby due?
Jennepper: oh, June...
Douche Canoe: you got twins in there?
(ha. Haha. Muahahaha!)
Jennepper: * eyeroll, discontinue eye contact. *
Douche Canoe: bet you hope it comes early!
Jennepper: * death stare until elevator door opens and she shuffles along to be Douch Canoe-y until 5 *
Perfect choice of words on her part, don't you think?
Given the opportunity I could have dropped a woe bomb on her. An atomic woe bomb, complete with a "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?" aftershock.
Next time, maybe. I already decided to fake a contraction any time someone asks if I'm going to have that baby RIGHT NOW CUZ U IS BEEG!
"You got twins in there?"
"Ha! No, but funny story. Last year I really was pregnant with twins and one of them died the night before my scheduled c-section! And then? And then!!!!!! The other one was delivered alive at 32 weeks has never left the NICU because her lungs are so premature that she can't breathe without a machine! 384 days but who is counting, right? Haha! So I think I will pass on the whole early thing and just go ahead and carry this one full term. But yeah, you are super adorable for asking and also I hope your day is just swell."
Pregnancy: justified motive for aggravated assault?
New Rule: Never hold the elevator for anyone under any circumstance.