Monday, April 2, 2012

Perhaps I should bathe more often?



Our office moved to a new building...oh, 5 years ago? Maybe even 6. I don't even know what happened 17 minutes ago, so this is my best estimate: 5 or 6 or whatever years ago, our office moved to a new building.

Every spring, these trees bloom all over outside of the building.  They are all around the building.  Aren't they pretty?
Looks pretty.
Is lying whore.

And they are pretty, but they smell like cat pee.  Like burning cat pee, actually.  Like pee from a cat on fire.  Or, pee from a cat with a urinary tract infection.  Or, pee from a cat with an STD...a naughty little kitty (or maybe an unfortunate virgin kitty who failed to use the proper protection?). 

Anyway, every year these pretty but skanky trees bloom and every year, for five or six or whatever years?  I mean, every.single.year. without fail, I walk out of the building on the first nice, sunny day and immediately smell the burning cat pee and I think it is me.  Every year.  I get as far as doing the covert armpit sniff - like, hey, let me casually brush my hair out of my eye while looking to the side and breathing in a fresh breath of burning cat pee.

And then I smell the sweet smell of Secret Shower Fresh and realize that, alas, I have been tricked by a motherfucking tree.  Again.  Am clean but stupid.

I'm not sure why I would smell burning cat pee and automatically assume that I am the offender.  I bathe, I swear.  Regularly, even.  I'm thinking I should bathe more just in case I smell like Cat Pee STD though. 

If I start thinking that the smell of the fresh mulch is me, I am going to do a full sink bath every time I wash my hands in the office restroom.  Because my psyche is too delicate to handle the stress of thinking I smell like fresh cow shit.


28 comments:

eeny meany said...

Awesome. Sounds like something I would do.

Amy said...

Love it so much. You are hysterical!

mjb said...

Those have to be Bradford pears - pretty flowers, just don't breathe in!

Mama B said...

We have these trees all over our office parking lot, as well. And every year when they bloom, it smells like sex in the air. At least, that's what I relate it to. lol I don't know what's worse...sex or pee. Hmmm.

TreeLove said...

I am with you Mama B...my husband and I always say they smell like semen. We have them at our office too!

areyoukiddingme said...

How long do you think it will take you to figure out that it's the tree without the covert armpit sniff? Another 4 or 5 years?

Britt said...

Ah, yes, the semen trees. We have one in our front yard and one in our backyard. Our yards a dirty whore.

PiccolaPineCone said...

i can't believe i am delurking to tell you about my bum... but here we go, your post really made me think of my first encounter with heated car seats - my colleague would give me a ride maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks and he would automatically turn on my seat heater without telling me (i live in canada) anyway every time without fail as i felt the tingling warmth under my butt i would think - am i getting a bum rash? (even though i haven't had one... well since they would have been someone else's problem, not mine). it took me well over a year to associate the warmth in my butt with his car and then figure out the heated car seats.

Rachel @ The House of Burks said...

Ah, Bradford pears. Or butt trees, as I've called them for the past 12 years. My university campus was lousy with them, and every spring the whole place smelled like a shipyard. They are pretty, though!

amy =) said...

yes, we had them at our college too and thought they smelled like sex, but like nasty, stale, frat house sex

Rebecca said...

My husband tricked me into planting one of those pee trees in our front yard. It's just a baby right now. (I am taller than the tree). He told me it was a Red Bud. Which makes me wish I lived in Red Bud because some lucky guy/girl from Redbud is a millionaire now. Thanks to MegaMillions Lottery. Red Bud is near here......like 2 hours away near.

Laura said...

lol, this made my day!

Becky said...

Oh yes, Bradford Pears. Beautiful and horrifically smelly. Our neighborhood has hundres of them. My 6yo calls them "stinky booty trees".

The Crivella Family said...

We say they smell like fish, never thought about them smelling like sex!! Ha!

Liz said...

My husband says that they smell like semen. Ewww.

'Murgdan' said...

Ugh. We moved into our house when they were in full bloom. I had never experienced the disgustingness that is Bradford Pear. We spent a full 30 minutes looking for the dead animal causing such a stench before a neighbor came out to tell us it was the tree. Nice. But I am so lazy that 8 years later they are still there in the front yard.

Brenda said...

OHMYGOSH, there are a million of these trees planted along where I work. And when I first smelled them, I wondered what foul thing was rotting. Then someone told me they were the semen trees. And now I smell that smell every year. And it makes me and everyone of my coworkers gag. It's gotten to the point that I will cross the street to avoid the trees. GAH!

Crazy Sister said...

That's nasty! I laughed myself sick at this post and all the comments. And I am so very very thankful that these trees probably aren't in Australia - I've never heard of them!

More importantly, I've never smelled them. Dear Lord - WHY do they get planted?

Rob and Sara plus 1 plus 1 more said...

those trees smell like straight jizz. Not that I've done a huge jizz sniff in my life, but everytime ours bloomed, I'd walk out of the house and think "ugh, jizz." Not that sad when ours bit the dust last spring.

Andrea said...

we have these. outside of our house. let me tell you how awesome THAT is.

also - they were all over YSU's campus and were affectionally termed the "vagina trees" because someone thought they smelled like, well, you get the point.

erin said...

we call those "cum trees." pretty gross.

Shannon said...

hahahaha thanks for the good laugh!! I needed it after this week! :)

Rachael said...

OMG that is freakin' hilarious--I would totally do the same thing every year too!

RandMc81 said...

Hilarious! My neighbors have one and I always thought, ah dead fish tree I loathe u enough to wish their yard a massive uncontrolled fire burning...but alas never happened. Jizz tree sounds better. Smelly is something no one wants to be so let the tree win this one. Thanks for the laugh :-)

kmrn said...

oh, a jizz tree! i just want you to know that i laughed myself into embarassment (snorting, tears, possible urination) reading this post and the comments. also, i am at work and my coworkers may think i'm nuts. sweaty nuts, that smell like a jizz tree.
that is all.

Kendra said...

My husband and I call these "sperm trees." Glad to see we're not alone! Never knew what their real name was. Avoiding Bradford pears 4evah.

Ima Peccable said...

I sincerely & utterly appreciate all of you informing us what trees NOT to plant when hubby & I have our 3 acres landscaped!!!

Emily said...

I just linked here from Glimpseinsidemyjourney and ... Oh my GOD... My friend has said the same thing about the smell of these trees... She hates them!! :) linking her here now too!