When it became obvious that we would have to let Ainsley go, there was no question in my mind that I would hold her and be there for her and talk to her. I had to. I had to do this one last thing for her even though it was sure to be awful.
And it was. Awful.
I mean, she was as comfortable as possible and felt the least amount of pain possible. A group of caring people were with us to make sure of it. It was fast, because she was very sick. She had very sick lungs. I had almost a year and a half with Ainsley and the part that is sticking with me are those last few minutes while I kissed her face and said goodbye to her. I hate it. I hope that changes over time, ya know?
I basically took pictures and videos of Ainsley nonstop every time I was there. Because she was funny and cute and I couldn't resist. And now I am so glad that I did because every time I picture The Awful, I can pick up my phone and watch a happy Ainsley. Here is one of the last videos I have of her. She was cracking up just because I was cracking up.
I don't think people understand what it was like to be around Ainsley. How could they, really? The tubes, the wires, the equipment...it all looks very intimidating. I didn't even notice the tubing anymore when I looked at her - it was as normal as a paci or something. We could pick her up and swing her around and nibble on her cheeks just like any other kid.
She was delayed, yes, but she was otherwise a very normal little 16 month old. She was fun and played with toys and she was a flirt OH MY GOD, she was a flirt. They would sit her in a stroller or exersaucer or even just on a mat on the floor in her doorway and let her interact with people in the hallway. She would make people clap, or tell them no, shake her booty, or cover her face if she didn't know someone.
She got to play all day with a room and crib full of fun toys. And everyone who came to see her smiled at her and played with her. She had a fan club, almost literally, at the hospital. If she wanted to sleep, she did! If she wanted to watch a movie, she did! She was just surrounded by fun and love all the time. It is sad that she is gone, but while she was here things were fun and happy. A lot.
This is the last video I took of her, that same day. It is a pretty good one too - she smiles, laughs, dances, sneezes and eats her own snot.
I was looking through pictures and found a set of Olivia and Ainsley playing. Olivia was playing with Ainsley's toys, and every.single.toy that she picked up, Ainsley reached her fat little paw out to take from her.
So then Olivia decided to just watch a movie, but Ainsley kept closing the DVD player and then laughing when Olivia would protest. It was so funny and to me it was just so...ordinary. Normal. Sisters getting on eachothers nerves.
I think I need to remind myself that we did every single thing we could to make her life happy. It wasn't normal for most people, but to her it was normal. Ainsley lived a good and happy life.
I don't know why I am putting this all this mess on mah blog because really it is kind of all over the place.