Sunday, May 27, 2012

If Peeing Your Pants is Cool, Consider Me Miles Davis.

Billy Madison?  Anyone?  No...?  Oh well.  Hey!  I'm nine months pregnant.  Which is, like, suuuuuuper pregnant in case you didn't know. 

I don't know if I got lucky when I was pregnant with Olivia or what but I loved that shit.  I could not get enough.  I wanted to go fully to 42 weeks, I felt so fantastic.  But my other two pregnancies have turned me into some sort of crazy miserable homeless-looking/smelling hag that is virtually unrecognizable.

First of all, I smell like pee.  Because I pee my pants a little all.day.long.  It started around 29 weeks and is going strong at 38 weeks 5 days.  This is amazing to me because I pee approximately 148 times a day and yet there still seems to be some amount of pee left to make me seriously consider a package of Depends on my next shopping trip.

Then, the swelling.  Not to be confused with The Weight Gain ZOMG.  I held on to a good 30 pounds from my last pregnancy, and I've gained just shy of 30 this time, which is fine.  I'll lose it.  But add that together with swelling and I look like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal.  I look in the mirror and it looks like someone added fake fat padding to my face and ankles.  I'm only 5"1' so, things are getting muy rotund. 

(I know how much some people looooove when pregnant people complain about being fat.  I also don't care.  I can barely move at this point.)

So anyway, the swelling was getting to be epic by noon every day, so I started to wear tennis shoes with my business casual outfits at work everyday.  I was, like, two pounds away from being a total mall walker.  And nothing says professional like a mall walker handling your official business.
Good thing I have been on maternity leave since the beginning of April.  You know, super high blood pressure and super swollen feet and a little bit of protein?  After you delivered your last pregnancy (identical twin, stillbirth, raging preeclampsia OH MY) with much drama at 32 weeks?  Will buy you maternity leave at 31 weeks.  It has helped, too.  My blood pressures and protein with more rest have been normal.  The swelling, though...not so much.

I'm fairly certain that my OB (who I love seriously) thinks that I am completely cray cray ridiculous.  I was telling him a month or so ago about my crotch pain, which I call Lightning Crotch.  You know, those horribly sharp pains that come from nowhere like someone is stabbing you right in your Lady Business?  A term which he found to be pretty funny.  He says that he is going to go on using the medical terminology which I think is stupid but, whatever.

It is hotter than hades in my part of Ohio right now, which is completely fun and awesome especially when I am down to one pair of pants and 4 shirts that fit.  My belly has dropped so low that, no matter what I wear, about 3 inches of my newly stretch-marked stomach (seriously, I had a TWIN pregnancy with zero stretch marks) hangs down and out in all its glory.  Yesterday, I had a desperate need to go to the store and buy fruit, I had to wear an old sun dress with yoga pants and tennis shoes.  And then I didn't even bother to fix my hair or look at my face because why bother, at that point.

So basically the message now that I'm full term is: GET OUT OMG GET OUT.  Yes, I'm glad to be full term with a pregnancy that required no sort of science, no I don't want a preemie or any NICU time, and insert whatever the appropriate disclaimer is for this statement but still.  GET.OUT.

I've had two days where I had ouchy but irregular contractions that got me all hot and bothered for the official baybee eviction but that ultimately went nowhere. I have a c-section scheduled for Tuesday morning which feels like a million years away.  Olivia wants to play with me nonstop and I am so uncomfortable that I can't which she doesn't understand because she is three and wants whatever she wants right goddamned now. 

(Which, come to think of it, I am acting very much like my three year old regarding this whole GET OUT thing.) 

Yesterday I ate 6 ice cream sandwiches.  Today I might eat 6 more.  I should stop buying ice cream sandwiches so that I don't look like Gwyneth in Shallow Hal.

I am ready to meet this baby.  Hopefully I don't eat it, too.


34 comments:

Tippy said...

That is funny shit!!! I am 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant and peed in my pants about 10 times while reading this post. Also, on a more serious note, I am sending your family tones of healing thoughts for Ainsley's passing. Big big hugs.

Amanda said...

No fear, Pregnant women in depends will be the next pinterest craze. XOXO

jjandrose said...

Gosh, I love you! LOL congrats on making it thus far :) and Best of luck on Tues!!( hint:add some bleach to the wash to get the urine smell out)

Lisa said...

Good luck Tuesday!

White Picket Fences said...

I was so hoping you were going to have to tell us that you have resigned yourself to full time croc wearing. Good luck Tuesday. We'll be thinking of you.

White Picket Fences said...

I was so hoping you were going to have to tell us that you have resigned yourself to full time croc wearing. Good luck Tuesday. We'll be thinking of you.

Mrs. Higrens said...

Please don't tell me the wanting what they want when they want it keeps going...so not a fan.

I've heard somewhere that Depends are also awesome after after the birth to catch all that other stuff...you know what I mean.

Looking forward to "meeting" the newest Knepper - but probably not as much as you!

Sunny said...

My pregnancies were the same way. I did awesome with my first, not-so-awesome with my second (twins), and my third... I was so uncomfortable and I complained CONSTANTLY. Hey, if I had to suffer, so should everyone around me, right?

HereWeGoAJen said...

I have solved this mystery, by the way. I did go 42 weeks with Elizabeth and I FELT FINE. Last time, I felt like crap the entire time. This time, I felt like crap for the first four months and now I just can't walk and am crazy sore and can't bend down to pick anything up and can barely put on my own underpants. And I am only twenty two weeks. DOOMED. And do you know what the only variable is here? The child that I already have. Clearly she is sucking out my energy and using it for herself.

Linds102 said...

I totally got your Billy Madison (BM?) reference. And I totally laughed. I peed my pants, while laughing, on our brand new couch, during my 3rd pregnancy. Thankfully I've regained my bladder control (my daughter is now 1), so there is hope for you yet. I agree with HerewegoaJen, it's totally the older kids plan to suck your energy and use it for themselves! How else can they possible be so "on" at all times?!?!
So excited for you to meet your new daughter on Tuesday! Relax as much as you can til then :)

Anon said...

Jee-sus you slay me! Laughed so hard it required a wardrobe change. Wishing you and your family the best.

venter said...

You make me smile. :) She Shallow Hal reference of Gwyneth...HILARIOUS!

And thanks for sharing Ainsley pics and videos in your last post. I used to work in a PICU and a NICU, many of those kids had parents that very rarely came to visit, you guys are awesome parents. You can see how happy she was. :) I miss her and I didn't even know her. You are one strong mama and I think of you often.

Julia said...

Good thing babies are worth the trouble, because I approached having my own zip code by the time I delivered my youngest son. I was swollen, fat, and crabby--muy fabuloso! :)
I'm sure you're not nearly as scary as you think you are...sending you healthy baby thoughts!! C'mon baby, 39 weeks is fine!!

Lyndz said...

You are hysterical! This post was hilarious! Good luck with the eviction!

PJ said...

I hope eviction day goes perfect! I hope, no I pray, this kid doesn't even have a sniffle like, ever!

My bladder has never been the same, sadly. Haha! I hope yours snaps back into shape though.

Jessica said...

I got the Billy Madison reference. :-) And I am now thanking my lucky stars that, at 35w3d I don't pee my pants. I just pee a million times every day. And a night. The worst is when you feel like you have to pee SOBADRIGHTNOW and then you get like, a drop of pee. Lame.

Michelle Hanway said...

good luck on tuesday!!!

Rebecca said...

Bladder Contusion. That's what one of my friends was just diagnosed with. She thinks she is going to give birth to a kick-boxing ninja. She's only about 30 weeks pregnant. I forget how far along she is.

squirrellymom said...

*big hugs* I really hated that point. I'm five foot so I can TOTALLY relate to how there's no real place for the weight/water/baby/various other body crap to go but out. I felt like a beach ball at the end of the fourth pregnancy. Just take it day by day. You are awesome mamma!

Amelia said...

I can't wait to "meet" your tiny!

Azy said...

I just recently found your blog and peed my pants regularly while catching up the last few days. I am 29 weeks pregnant and found myself nodding and laughing through this whole post. I totally get you on the swelling, I can't close my fist as my sausages are getting so swollen. Good luck with the eviction. I hear these things are notorius for ignoring evictions and squatting indefintely.

Michele said...

You should TOTALLY eat as many ice cream sandwiches as you can fit inside your poor smooched stomach. When I was pregnant, vanilla ice cream was the only thing that helped with any of it. Once New Baybee graces you with her presence on Tuesday, you should all celebrate with a big-ass ice cream cake that someone else buys and brings to you in the hospital. You. Have. Earned. It. P.S. I can't wait to hear her lovely name, and see pictures of the newest Knepper. :)

MFA Mama said...

You poor thing. 38 and a half weeks is the most pregnant I ever got, and I hated that shit. Since my first two were early I was fine up to 37 weeks, then I was all GET OUT OMFG. Sucks.

areyoukiddingme said...

Good luck on Tuesday!

notmensa said...

Good luck for Tuesday!! And thank you for such beautiful, funny posts.

Losh said...

I love how any notion of fashion or style get pushed way to the side during pregnancy! The fact that your lady bits are covered is enough - anything else is a big bonus!

Good luck on Tuesday - hoping for you that it is the most routine, boring, uneventful section ever and that your new baby girl behaves like a saint from birth!

erin said...

What about Poise pads? Ive heard wonderful things about them and theyre easy enough to dispose of and you wouldnt smell like pee! Ive been there, but Poise wasn't discussed, advertised, or really even thought about. if I ever get pregnant again, I would totally use them

Unknown said...

Just another e-friend thinking of you, heartbroken for your losses, awed by your strength and wishing you, your new baby and your family good health, a joyful homecoming in just a few days and all happiness and good things together. Best wishes for everything today.

Diane said...

I think today is the Tuesday morning scheduled C-section you mentioned. Thinking of you!!

Emily said...

I still pee my pants... after delivering a bebe 21 months ago. Sigh. Thinking of your this morning! You are amazing!

Ali said...

Lightning Crotch! Finally!! A word for what I've been feeling through two pregnancies now. I sent my husband your description of it and finally I think he understands the severity of the situation.

On another note, I'm a new reader and I admire your ability to find the humor in life, even when you've been through more than most can handle. You inspire me and make me pee my pants (33 weeks prego here) every time I check your blog.

Eva.G said...

I like the word e-friend. I think it accurately describes how we feel about the bloggers we read.....they're our e-friends! I'm also an e-friend anxiously waiting to hear about your new baby. Is she here? I expected you to post the second Baby was out. ;) Wishing you and Baby and the family all the best!

emmykay said...

Love your glamorous description of pregnancy :-) So true, so true!! Can't wait to meet the newest little one. Lots of love and hugs from our family to yours!

Pamil said...

I had a desperate need to go to the store and buy fruit, I had to wear an old sun dress with yoga pants and tennis shoes. And then I didn't even bother to fix my hair or look at my face because why bother, at that point View news.