Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I'm afraid this might be all my fault.

The bears, I mean.

I live in Ohio.  I know if you are from somewhere cool like LA or NYC that you immediately picture me out in the holler, sitting in denim overalls with a piece of wheat or straw (or whatever) hanging out of my mouth while I wash my laundry in a river or catch fish with my hands.  Or something.  I don't know. 

But truthfully it is suburbia where I live.  Like, I live two minutes from Target and so basically I don't need to move, ever. It isn't very woodsy is my point.  Most of us don't wear denim overalls...mostly.   I am not a holler girl.  And for that matter, I do not think I am a holla back girl, if I understand that correctly.
Except for that one time in high school when I was walking like an Egyptian
with someone's finger up my nose
while wearing a Pooh watch and denim overalls.
That was kind of a holler thing to do.
Basically my point is that I do not live in, like, the mighty forest or whatever.  But that doesn't mean that there are not bears here.

BEARS.

Yes, there are bears that are wandering the streets around my home.  I do not fear, because the Ohio Department of Natural Resources has given this sage advice for dealing with bears:

"Clap, stomp your feet, shout at the bear. Most times they'll turn around and run," she explained. "Put your hands and arms out and 'puff up,' so to speak."
Apparently you pretty much just have to act like a member of the Jersey Shore cast when you encounter a bear.  Act like a real asshole and the bear will just turn around and run like a little pansy.

Ronnie ain't afraid of no fuckin bears.
I really hope that nobody is eaten by this bear.  Because it might totally be my fault that it is here.  Now that I'm not pregnant and everything and things are getting back to normal and you know, it's just pretty much time for another Anchorman reference now:



Plus the only actual conversation I had today was when I explained the concept of toe jam to Olivia.  And that was before I decided to write about my period on my blog.  Probably I could use a bit of grown-up conversation?

15 comments:

Betsy said...

I <3 you so much its unreal! Just came back to work - regretting my decision and you have made it all worth it. I get to laugh out loud without fear of waking my little tyrant :)

PurpleDogMommy said...

No fresh wisdom for you. Only to say that I enjoyed your post. As I usually do.

(keep away from da Bears)

MommaMeg said...

The bear advice is true. You can bang pots and pans together too, the louder the better. At least that's what they told us before we went back-packing in Minnesota. On the other hand it may be a big conspiracy and people just want you to make a fool of ourselves! :)

Delenn said...

You know, everyone could use a daily dose of Anchorman!

kharris said...

LOL...thanks for the Anchorman clip. BEARS CAN SMELL THE MENSTRUATION! Please stay inside....

mandie lane said...

I live in the REAL woods, and for the first year we were here, I refused to go outside when I had my period because I was VERY SURE the kids and I would promptly be devoured by a blood smelling bear. Then a friend sent me a scientific study about how bears probably wouldn't eat me just because I'm on my period. Particularly if you wear "internal tampons" (I have no idea what an "external tampon" is, but oooookay then).

Anyway. And also? There is no way in HELL I'm going to act all tough if I do stumble upon a bear. I'm going to piss my pants and run away crying, and HOPEFULLY remember to grab my kids, too.

HereWeGoAJen said...

Some of my mom's relatives live in one of the counties listed in that news report, so having been there, I need to say "OMG BEARS WHAT?"

Sunny said...

Well, I'm from Michigan and we make fun of Ohio too, so it's not just people in the "cool" big cities. ;) But a bear! Holy hell! Hope your Jersey Shore imitation is convincing.

thelambentlife said...

Ahh-hahaha. That's awesome. We live on the coast and I'm irrationally filled with TERROR to go in the ocean when I'm on my period for fear of sharks. Because they will swim miles inland just to get a piece of this.

Life as 4 said...

I live in North East Ohio and we have bear sitings often here. thank you f r the laugh of your description of an Ohioian lol loved it I grew up in the "sticks" and now live in the city I would give anything to move back to the sticks, city life is not for me :) I love reading a blog from my "state"

Laura Diniwilk said...

You had me all nervous, then I saw that the bears run away from Summit county. They must fear the roo (ahh, dorky NE Ohio humor).

Candice said...

I was wondering if you had gotten your period yet... ;)

alison said...

This is hilarious. Growing up near(ish) the mountains (of colorado), when we'd go camping, my dad would have to remind us that if we saw a bear we should just act dead and they'd leave us alone. Definitely not cause a scene by screaming and jumping up and down as that apparently startles them and they chase. I? Have no idea though, I've only ever seen bears from in my car. ::shudder::

A Engineer in the Kitchen said...

I live in Michigan and I have a friend from NYC and he once asked me what I was doing for the weekend, I told him I was going up north and he asked can you really go further north...anyways we have a bear living under I-75 about 2 miles north of us and they have tried removing it twice and it came back both times, so I know the feeling of a bear wandering the "neighborhood".

J.A. Mars said...

Don't feel bad about the bears! It's okay. We had bears in the Pine Point section of Springfield, MA two weeks ago. Springfield is an honest to goddess city with hoodlums and murders and homeless people peeing on the sidewalk. Bears are very cuddly from a great, great distance. What you really have to look out for are the mountain lions. Sum mean kitties right thar!