The Offense: Grammar Suicide/Punctuation/Textspeak
Example: < 3***Im Go 2 Da BaR wIf My PeEpS. R U going too be their *** < 3
You know, just trying to come up with that and then typing it caused my head to explode. I am sitting in Starbucks right now typing this with only my hands and a bloody neck stump while my head stares up at me in horror from the floor. Text speak! No punctuation! All that extra bullshit that doesn't look cute, GAH! Misuse of Your/You're and To/Too! It is enough to make me shake my bloody stump head.
Grammar is a serious issue on Facebook. And guess what people - you can only blame auto correct so many times before we all begin to realize that you should not have advanced past 5th grade English. I'm not saying that everyone needs to be the captain of the Grammar Police, but a basic grasp of your first language would be a nice touch.
Look, I know that sometimes it can be hard to admit that you are kind of a dumb ass. If you need to practice, go bookmark this post at The Oatmeal (10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling) and use it for reference when you need to update your status. Your, possessive. Not You're, the contraction for you are. See, it's easy! It's, the contraction for it is. Not its, possessive.
The text speak and little decorations just make you look like a lazy asshole. Knock it off. Thanks.
(Unless you are typing "Kthxbai" because I love that.)
The Offense: Constant updates and check-ins.
Example: Just took a giant, toilet-clogger of a dump! Burned 275 calories pushing it out! Going to drink a kale and brussels sprout smoothie and then maybe I'll watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo! And then I'll check in so that everyone knows I'm in the parking lot at the gynecologist! And then I'll live tweet my pap smear and cross post on Facebook! #vagina #lookatmelookatme
You know what they say about workouts: if it isn't posted on Facebook, it didn't happen! I admittedly have posted my workouts on Facebook and so I can now officially claim presidency of Hypocrites 'R Us. But the work outs and the calorie counts and the healthy food bragging and the check-ins? It is exhausting.
Just...save yourself the effort. You win! At life and at the eating healthy and being on the go and getting your vagina examined!
The Offender: Passive Activism
Example: Like this picture of a super sad bald kid who clearly has cancer if you hate cancer...Ignore if you think it is hilar when kids have cancer or if you kick puppies on the reg.
Alternate Example: Post your bra color to support breast cancer and drive the boys crazy! Tee hee!
Every single time I think I've blocked all of the people who do this, another one shows up. Which I ignore. Sealing my express trip to hell, or outing myself as a pediatric cancer-lover. Or as an unsupportive uncaring human being who is stingy with her bra color at the expense of all of the poor people fighting breast cancer. Filthy puppy-kicker!
The fact is that all of this ridiculous bullshit does nothing to support any cause. Unless your cause is being a dick on Facebook. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are some sort of amazing philanthropist because you sat on your lazy ass and clicked a thumb-up or "fooled" those stupid boys with your sexually suggestive status update.
|Oh, funny ecard! Why you no have punctuation?|