Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Egregious Facebook Offenses, Continued

If you missed part one, you can read it here: Most Obnoxious Facebook Offenders

The Offense: Grammar Suicide/Punctuation/Textspeak

Example: < 3***Im Go 2 Da BaR wIf My PeEpS.  R U going too be their *** < 3

You know, just trying to come up with that and then typing it caused my head to explode.  I am sitting in Starbucks right now typing this with only my hands and a bloody neck stump while my head stares up at me in horror from the floor.  Text speak!  No punctuation!  All that extra bullshit that doesn't look cute, GAH!  Misuse of Your/You're and To/Too!  It is enough to make me shake my bloody stump head.

Grammar is a serious issue on Facebook.  And guess what people - you can only blame auto correct so many times before we all begin to realize that you should not have advanced past 5th grade English.  I'm not saying that everyone needs to be the captain of the Grammar Police, but a basic grasp of your first language would be a nice touch.

Look, I know that sometimes it can be hard to admit that you are kind of a dumb ass.  If you need to practice, go bookmark this post at The Oatmeal  (10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling) and use it for reference when you need to update your status.  Your, possessive.  Not You're, the contraction for you are.  See, it's easy! It's, the contraction for it is.  Not its, possessive.



The text speak and little decorations just make you look like a lazy asshole.  Knock it off.  Thanks.

(Unless you are typing "Kthxbai" because I love that.)

The Offense: Constant updates and check-ins.

Example:  Just took a giant, toilet-clogger of a dump!  Burned 275 calories pushing it out!  Going to drink a kale and brussels sprout smoothie and then maybe I'll watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo!  And then I'll check in so that everyone knows I'm in the parking lot at the gynecologist!  And then I'll live tweet my pap smear and cross post on Facebook!  #vagina #lookatmelookatme

You know what they say about workouts: if it isn't posted on Facebook, it didn't happen!  I admittedly have posted my workouts on Facebook and so I can now officially claim presidency of Hypocrites 'R Us.  But the work outs and the calorie counts and the healthy food bragging and the check-ins?    It is exhausting. 



Just...save yourself the effort.  You win!  At life and at the eating healthy and being on the go and getting your vagina examined! 

The Offender: Passive Activism

Example: Like this picture of a super sad bald kid who clearly has cancer if you hate cancer...Ignore if you think it is hilar when kids have cancer or if you kick puppies on the reg.

Alternate Example: Post your bra color to support breast cancer and drive the boys crazy!  Tee hee!

Every single time I think I've blocked all of the people who do this, another one shows up.  Which I ignore.  Sealing my express trip to hell, or outing myself as a pediatric cancer-lover.  Or as an unsupportive uncaring human being who is stingy with her bra color at the expense of all of the poor people fighting breast cancer.  Filthy puppy-kicker!

The fact is that all of this ridiculous bullshit does nothing to support any cause.  Unless your cause is being a dick on Facebook.  Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are some sort of amazing philanthropist because you sat on your lazy ass and clicked a thumb-up or "fooled" those stupid boys with your sexually suggestive status update.


Oh, funny ecard!  Why you no have punctuation?

25 comments:

Marisa said...

Ha! You are so awesome. I love how you say everything I'm thinking. :)

eeny meany said...

Brilliant writing from a bloody head stump!

Unknown said...

Great way to start off my morning---thanks for the laugh, Jen!

Unknown said...

I hope hyphens are acceptable on your blog comments. A bad habit that I'll blame on Facebook!

Michelle said...

Yes, just... Yes!

JessieB said...

what about the people who post pics of their pets all.the.time? especially obnoxious when you post something about your kid and they respond with 'omg, i know, i took my dog to get shots too.' or something equally stupid.

Samantha said...

Someone posted "HBD" on my husband's wall yesterday for his birthday. We were both like, "REALLY!?", you can't even write out "Happy Birthday"?!. Defriend.

Steph said...

I have a really stupid way of remembering it's vs. its, but it works:

If I want the possessive, I think "no, you can't have an apostrophe. Not yours." Because, see, it's possessive and stuff but I'm being mean and not letting it have an apostrophe. The contraction isn't all possessive and greedy so it can have one...

OK, that's dumber than I thought when I write it out. Oh well. I never said it made sense.

(kthxbai)

Erin said...

I have always felt that the "like if you think Cancer sucks, ignore if you love Satan" posts are the equivalent of e-mail chain letters. Seriously, who still falls for that stuff?

Steph said...

Thank you for addressing 3 more of my FB pet peeves. I might not have too many friends left if I hide all of those annoying posts.

I'm not on twitter so maybe it's a twitter thing, but what the hell is up with the hash marks?
#idontgetitandhavetroublereadingthese

In an effort to be cool, I joined in for a little while, but then decided it's really just annoying and I don't understand it in the first place. #dumb

Jessica said...

Pediatric cancer-lover made me laugh so hard I woke up my baby. Thanks. I suppose you hate baby naps, too?

Givinya De Elba said...

Another great post on Facebook sins! I get that "Okay, you win" feeling with the "My kid is school captain! #iamsoproud" - "My kid won all these awards! #iamsoproud" - "My kid is the dux of their grade! #iamsoproud" posts. You win, okay? You win!

(Bonus points for each time you can sneak in a pic of your kid in their posh private school uniform.)

Stephanie said...

I hate the FB version of chain mail and refuse to "like" any of those things. But don't you love when people get on the bandwagon and start liking hoaxes - like when all those people started liking "RIP Morgan Freeman." I'm sorry you guys, if I didn't hear about it on NPR or CNN, it didn't happen.

I can't take people seriously who write in text speak all the time. I just can't.

Anyway, this was awesome.

Chlesey said...

Hilarious! THANK YOU for including grammar in this post. I feel like proofreading is a lost art form. And to your point, I just came across this gem:

"working on the babies room ~~~ how could this little person need so much stuff?"

I almost commented to ask if she was now having twins, but it's clear from the rest of the post that she's not. I think at the risk of coming off as the "captain of the Grammar Police" I'll simply decline commenting:0

Kasey said...

Ha. Love these. I blocked someone for excessive use of lol. You do not need to LOL multiple times in every status.

Carol said...

Thank you so much for this post!! I completely agree. The other thing that makes me crazy is the constant brag about the amazing accomplishments of your child. Enough already. Blech!

A Engineer in the Kitchen said...

Oh I have a constantly checking updater. I don't get how the time she even has time for Facebook, her husband is deployed and she has a 2 year old and she post something at least once every hour but usually more then that. Hometown lost our 8 yr old St Jude Kid two nights ago, so I hate pediatric cancer but I still don't click on those post, I do however follow St. Jude's fan page.

JennRox said...

Love these and love the way you write! You're hiiiiiilarious! Maybe in your next obnoxious Facebook blog, mention the folks that totally ignore your texts but then post and like shit all over Facebook. I can't stand that. I mean if I'm gonna ignore someone for the time being, I keep my ass off Facebook ;) lol anyways, thanks for sharing your life and all the laughs!

Marrisa Brenton said...

Love it!

Eva.G said...

Oh my goodness, I was laughing so hard my husband started to wake up....and I want him to stay sleeping! And that 10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling post was amazing. Genius! I need to share that to Facebook and tag a lot of people, if you catch my drift!

Lisa said...

Please never stop blogging because holy shit, you make me laugh! By the way, I totally kick puppies on the reg.

MommaBeThyName said...

I'm just going to go ahead and say, "Ha!" again. Think I'll share this one, too.

Ashley Austrew said...

LOL! You are too funny. This is all so true.

ohshellsbells said...

PREACH.

Robyn Welling said...

"Ignore if you think it is hilar when kids have cancer or if you kick puppies on the reg."

Still. Laughing. A status like this would force me to comment, "I only kick cancerous puppies."