Monday, November 19, 2012

Most Obnoxious Facebook Offenders

It seems like people all get annoyed by the same things on Facebook.  And yet there are still enough people being totally obnoxious that we can all sympathize with each other and celebrate the ever fantastic Hide function.

The problem is that you can't complain about it ON Facebook without offending the delicate little flowers who are the biggest offenders.  Who needs that drama?  (Some people live on that drama, but not you!  Definitely not you!)  So I am doing everyone a solid and making a list of shit that you need to immediately stop doing on Facebook.  Feel free to share with all of your obnoxious Facebook friends so that they can blame me for being bitchy instead of you.

Offender: The Cliche Whore

Example: I have the most amazing husband/wife/kids and I can't picture my perfect life without them, blah blah blah you compleeeeeete meeeeee.

I assumed that it was some deep character flaw that fed my pure hatred for the thankful November posts and other mushy love posts.  I mean, what kind of asshole is annoyed with people who are so deeply pleased with their lives that they feel the need to post cliches every day to prove that they are just ZOMG SO HAPPY?  Why do I care?

But I do care and I am not alone.  From the Maybe If You Just Relax Facebook page:

"Over the top fake happy my-life-is-perfect posting!"
"Thankful November.  WGAS!"
"When couples post 'I LOVE MY WIFE/HUSBAND/PERFECT LOVE BIG HEARTS' bc you totally know they boned someone else the night before."

These posts just seem so insincere.  Why do you need to kiss your significant other's ass on a Facebook status?  Do you think someday your kids are going to read your old status and think they are way super loved?  I mean, unless you are in the middle of a flood Facebooking from your phone and writing that you are thankful for your canoe and flask of whiskey, it is all pretty pointless and barftastic.


Offender: The Vaguebooker

Example: This is the worst day of my life ever I can't take dis shit no mo.

Vaguebooking is the worst.  THE WORST.  A person posts some really vague status to indicate that some sort of drama has transpired but does not provide any information as to what. Or it is a post totally bitching about someone, except the offender doesn't have the balls to call the person out.  Or, you know, confront them in real life like a functional adult. 

Please get a little dignity, mkay?  Please do not beg for attention via social media.  If you are too embarrassed to flat out say whatever it is, then you should probably not post it on Facebook at all. 

Also, hey you!  You, who posts in the comments asking what is wrong?  Yes, I'm looking at you.  Knock it off, asshole.  You are enabling this bullshit and I do not appreciate it at all.  If you know what the problem is and you don't post it in the comments, you do not appear to be a closer friend.  You appear to be a giant douche canoe.


Offender: Tragedy/Sympathy Whoring

Example:  My cousin's neighbor's uncle's mother was in a horrible accident and I didn't know that she even existed until just now but my heart is just broken and...etc.

The tragedy/sympathy whore jumps on to someone else's bad news in order to gain sympathy.  You know, that person who all of a sudden has some kind of connection to someone as soon as they have some horrible shit happen?  And then they post all over Facebook about it in an attempt to gain sympathy.


It is fine to be upset by some major thing going on the the world, but quit trying to ride the coat tails of someone else's misery just to get attention or look like you are such an amazing friend.

--

This is going to be at least a three part series.  So many annoyances, so little time to blog.
Click here for Part Two: Most Egregious Facebook Offenses Continued

42 comments:

Trevor Allen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trevor Allen said...

Lovely post. I am looking forward to the rest of the trilogy

Oak said...

I really hope the inappropriate photo sharer is in the next part. She makes me uncomfortable.

areyoukiddingme said...

I am so tempted to respond with your category names, next time I see this behavior...

Anne said...

Funniest post ever. EVER. I shared this shit ALL over FB. Keep it coming!!

Caroline said...

The "I'm going to the gym/ just went to the gym" posts are the worst! No, I take that back, the "I just had a baby and look at my flat stomach a week later" posts - those are the worst. F-ing obnoxious.

Shauna said...

So funny! I do think that "douche canoe" is one of my favorite new names.

Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

Oh vaguebooking... I also hate it because it's like a clique-ish way to exclude people. Like, the vaguebooker's TRUE besties totally know what's going on, and if you have no clue, you obviously don't need to know, so STFU.

At least that's the message I get from vaguebookers. Perhaps I have a bit of middle school PTSD.

allthesunforyou said...

This is one of the best posts I've seen in my reader in a very LONG time!

A Engineer in the Kitchen said...

I think that just described half the people on my Facebook, the other half are the I most post 8000 pictures of myself/baby add. Seriously I have two girls that blow up my Facebook feed of themselves that I spend 15 minutes looking for other peoples post....ugh!!! I guess I must be the idiot that post the most random status because I really don't think people read them anyways.

Rachael said...

OMG I know half a dozen people who meet at least one of those three things, and several who are all 3!!!
Can't wait to see the rest of the series!

Ashley said...

I love the ones that post the perfect photos of their kids all the time and then say, "such and such is such a great baby, he/she is such a dream and sleeps through the night...yada yada yada." Cut the crap, post a picture of your kid screaming his head off in the middle of the night and then I'll take you serious and like that post when I am up in the middle of the night because my kid wont sleep and is screaming bloody murder.

HereWeGoAJen said...

I would like to add people who overdo commenting. I have one friend who leaves over the top comments on everything I post. Like "oh, Jen, he's the most beautiful baby to ever exist in the history of the entire universe, he's more precious than all the riches in the world." Because yeah, back off woman, I cannot take you seriously. And people (ahem, my inlaws) who leave comments speaking to my children. Especially on joke pictures. Like I put up a picture of Elizabeth throwing a tantrum and I get (two weeks later too) "Elizabeth you are Pops most beautiful girl- Pops". She cannot read! And then he signs it because clearly his full name and profile picture are too obscure.

Sara said...

I have someone that fits in every category. And I would put money on her fitting into the rest.

thelambentlife said...

What's worse is vaguebooking and then acting offended when people show concern and/or straight up curiosity.

'I just can't stop crying. I'm heartbroken - worst day of my life."

"What's going on? Are you okay?"

"Geez, people. I don't want to talk about it. Sorry you need to come to Facebook to get your daily dose of excitement. GAH!"

B. said...

Vaguebooker...I didn't know there was a word for this though it is my biggest facebook peeve. I feel old.

Unknown said...

Perfect! Hit the nail on the head. Glad I'm not the only cynical bitch that hates facebook braggarts and gushers!

Emily said...

LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!!! Spot on!

Jen said...

Exactly. All of it. More, more!

boringyear said...

This right here is why I don't bother with Facebook as a general rule. If you're my friend and you want to tell me something, email or SMS or pick up the phone! Frankly my life is not enriched by knowing what some kid I went to highschool with a million years ago ate for lunch today - complete with photos. I ate peanut butter sandwiches while Monkey smeared his on the window.

Umm wow. I think you may have touched a nerve...

Tienna said...

Dude, I'm hooking this post straight to my Facebook. And maybe I'll really show some balls and address it to specific people....mwahahahaha!!

S said...

Have you been reading my FB news feed??!! Love it!

In regard to the "I have the best husband/daughter/mother/BFF" posts, I always think: why not just tell that person? Why tell the rest of us. Grrr...

E said...

One technique I use with the "vaguebookers" is responding to them as if I know what the frick they are talking about:

VB-er: "OMG how am I going to survive this blah blah blah vagueness."

My comment: "I have heard all about it- I was surprised but I am so sorry- things like this suck but stay strong..."

It really freaks people out :)

Wendy said...

I love you long time.

The Crivella Family said...

Love it!!!! I too have one person that fits into all these categories and it takes every ounce of my being not to call her out!!!

Shanny said...

"Like" ;)

Charleston Hokie said...

This. Is. Awesome. And so true. I get so annoyed with "My husband is the best husband in the world" Um-no he isn't-that's mine! ha! :)

sheilah said...

I am with you on all of these. I hate hate hate the VB'ers. And I really really despise the '...oh my life is soooo perfect...' This is the post you see right after your dog dies or your husband leaves you. I want to just project my hate through my keyboard...

SJW said...

Ooh, can I contribute?

* Going into a tirade about something/someone and it be filled with numerous gramatical errors, that my 2nd grader would be able to pick you. Example: "I hate Obama. he don't do nothing for us amerikanz." For some reason, I feel like if you're going to be opinionated, you should also be somewhat educated.

*And speaking of Obama - I hate hearing about other people's religious, political, health, and parenting views. I think it's great that someone loves Obama and prays for his leadership everyday while working out at the gym before they go home to read to their children instead of letting them watch TV......but believe it or not, there are those of us who aren't even sure who ran in the last election, forgets if church is typically on Sat or Sun and does not have the time to work out because we are too busy chasing around all of our crazy-ass kids who are hyped up on all the candy we gave them for dinner. lol. Just saying....

raisingmiles said...

Perfect! All of my thoughts as well....unless I'm just an asshat like that. I loved it so much I reposted a link to your post on my blog today...

Kim said...

My FB peeves:

- constant pictures of what people plan on eating.

- a gazillion self-help quotes

- too many "self-portraits" making "pouty" lips. You are not a super model, and this does not make you look like one.

- status update to small children: i.e. "you are such a wonderful girl and mommy loves you soooo much." Your baby is not reading this.

You got the rest. :)

Amber said...

We have a good friend who posts how far and how fast he ran that day. EVERY day. I don't want to hear about it while I'm scarfing down my 3rd helping of mexican food...

jill said...

Like like like.

Cavinder Family said...

I die every time I read your blog. Vaguebooking. TOTAL HATE!! And the drama. Save it for your mama. And in the end no one really cares what you have to say anyways. "Is it facebook official???" :o)

Steph said...

Thanks for addressing this! I have a relative who is a poster of the lovey dovey crap and we all know their life is far from this. Even her hubby started doing it and he's got one foot out the door practically every week. She also posts vague crap about how she's over it. Stop posting this crap, people!!

Cant wait to read more of your FB vents!

Steph said...

VAGUEBOOKING!!! Seriously, pet peeve. Quoting E from above...

"One technique I use with the "vaguebookers" is responding to them as if I know what the frick they are talking about:

VB-er: "OMG how am I going to survive this blah blah blah vagueness."

My comment: "I have heard all about it- I was surprised but I am so sorry- things like this suck but stay strong..."

It really freaks people out :)"

WHERE IS THE LIKE BUTTON?????

Stephanie said...

This post has "like" all over it!

MommaBeThyName said...

Ha! Great read! Love this!

I wrote this one last summer. I think we must have a few friends in common:

http://mommabethyname.com/2012/06/25/facebook-archetypes-whos-in-your-timeline/

When Pigs Fly said...

Yes, the cryptic FB posts drive me up a wall. It is so passive/aggressive. The other thing that sends me over the edge is the over sharing. I don't want to know about your mucus plug, knee replacement stitches oozing or anything else disgusting and a little too personal. Boundaries, people. Boundaries!

Teresa Hermann said...

Luv this post!! I pleases me that others feel my FB annoyance.

Twingle Mommy said...

Hate the vague posts! And I'd like to add the repost if you have the best husband/love your kids/think your dad is the best. UGH! And the moms who brag about every little thing their kids do. I'm so proud of my son, he rolled over today. Oh shut up , no one but your mom cares.