It first came up in July of 2011 when we were still hopeful that Ainsley would continue to improve and would get to come home. And with her coming home would come the round-the-clock care requirement that comes with a ventilator dependent child. The main plan was to cross our fingers that we would get enough nursing care through the state to allow us both to continue working.
But no matter how much you cross your fingers, you can never count on luck. Especially our luck. Our luck tends to suck.
And so in July of 2011 I decided that I would make our lives work without my paycheck. Just in case I couldn't keep working. Mark and I made almost equal salaries, so the loss of one would definitely be noticeable. Better to be prepared. So I threw all of my paychecks toward paying off our cars and then building up our savings.
Then I got super surprise pregnant. The optimistic side of me thought: hey. No biggie. We can afford a nanny. I will keep working!
The realist side of me thought: this is the end of my career. Or the beginning of my sabbatical. Or, I think this is piss.
|Photo Credit: Click Here|
Mourning the possible loss of your career can make you feel like a pretty big dick if your chronically ill child dies. And then that's what happened. Ainsley died, and then Adelle was born, and then I decided that I couldn't go back to work. I just couldn't.
I never aspired to be a Stay at Home Mom. I liked working. But something changed after all of that drama and I just felt like I had to be with the girls for a bit. I think they would have been fine if I went back to work but I don't know if I would have been fine. And so, being fortunate to have the financial means and an agreeable husband, I quit my pretty decent job to try my hand at being home full time.
The truth is that I'm starting to feel more like a Stay at Home Sybil.
People ask all the time how I like being a Stay at Home Mom. The acceptable answer goes like this, "I love it! I am so blessed! They are only little once!" Right? Isn't that what you expect to hear? And all of that is true sometimes, but sometimes the days are incredibly long and I am exhausted and all I want to do is run down the street and shove my face under the soft serve machine at Dairy Queen until they call the police and have me arrested.
I feel like I have a better chance of getting some sleep in jail than I do at my house.
Today was a challenge. Adelle is going through a sleepless crab ass phase and is difficult to please. I spent all morning trying unsuccessfully to make her happy. I resorted to carrying her around which worked pretty well except when I tried to hold her while I went pee and then bonked her head on the wall. That did not go over well at all.
When I finally got her to nap, I searched for jobs online. Contemplated child care. Ate string cheese.
And then after her nap she was ZOMG HAPPY and super fun, and I felt like a crazy person for wanting to go back to work right now when everything was so perfect! Sunshine! Rainbows! Quick - someone ask me if I like being at home with the kids!
|Adelle Sophia Knepper|
For now, I'm staying at home. I've got two tiny little dictators for bosses, and they are equal parts demanding and cute.
Some days, I am bad ass at being a Stay at Home Mom. I am showered and dressed, the house is clean, dinner is planned, and my kids are happy all day.
Some days, I am a stinky unshowered pajama wearing hot ass mess who appears to live in the home of a dirty hoarder and who has maniacal screaming kids and a never ending case of PMS and I'm shoving the baby at Mark as soon as he walks in the door.
Some days I fluctuate wildly between the two extremes.
Please tell me I am not alone in this.