|Ainsley's First Birthday Party|
at Akron Children's Hospital, Reinberger Family Center
It's rocking Adelle to sleep and noticing how the curve of her fat ass cheek looks just like Ainsley's. It's putting a shirt on Adelle that Olivia and Ainsley both wore and realizing that my opportunities for these kinds of moments are quickly coming to a close. It's Olivia in the back seat of the car asking me what "died" means and then saying, "remember Ainsley? I miss going to see her."
As The Internet promised, things have gotten...easier? Or, less hard? When I think of Ainsley, I rarely think of her last gasps for breath (which haunted me for months, quite honestly). I think of my favorite thing - leaving a long day of work and peeking my head around the corner of her hospital room to see her see me. You might think that, seeing so many people all day every day would confuse her, but she knew her mommy and daddy. Her face LIT UP when we got there. Even if she was sick she was always happy to see us.
|Six days before she died.|
There was a group of nurses at her door cracking up at her.
Which sounds stupid because, duh, it isn't "natural" for your kid to breathe through tubes hooked up to her throat. But we were so used to it - I would pick her up and play with her and hold her up in the air like Super Ainsley without a second thought. When I looked at her I only saw her and never noticed the medical stuff. When I look at her pictures now, I see all the tubing and it makes me feel bad that she had to go through all of it.
When we were in the PICU, one of our nurses came to tell us something that another family told her. They said that they were coming into the unit for the first time and they were scared out of their minds. And they looked over as they walked past our room and there was our gap-toothed, chubby, trach-vent baby, splashing in the tub and smiling and laughing. And even though they had a very sick child, they could not help but pause and smile.
THAT was Ainsley.
|Bath time: her favorite.|
They are good people.
On Ainsley and Evelyn's second birthday, I went to a Disco Dance Party. You cannot watch kids jump around and dance and be sad at the same time.
Happy Woulda/Coulda/Shoulda been second birthday to my twin girls, Ainsley Laura and Evelyn Cecille. Always celebrated, always missed, and never ever forgotten.